Step kids at weekend

[Bananarama77]

I’m really unhappy about this situation but not sure if I’m overreacting.
My DH is due to have his kids this weekend & he usually picks them up from school on Fridays but this weekend he has commitments to work so he has asked me to collect them from school which usually wouldn’t be a problem however I have plans to meet friends & I was hoping to get a few hours to sort myself out, get ready etc. I’m fed up with having kids here constantly & I rarely get a day to myself. Nice kids but not my responsibility. AIBU?

If you had just stopped at, “I have plans and don’t want to change them to accommodate picking up the kids”, that would be totally reasonable.

not wanting them around and having to consider them as members of the household and family is not.

The problem is that they are constantly palmed off by their mum, but I’m not here to pick up the slack. Last week..I’ve got to work late can you get them’ etc etc I’ve got grown up kids I don’t need this crap honestly

I don’t pick DSC up from school any longer, it was being taken advantage of, and I was expected just to drop everything and run to suit when their DM and DF didn’t bother to organise plans.

Genuine one-offs are different, but I understand the taken for granted feeling when it’s always piled back on you last minute. Funnily enough, they both get their work organised now, and also now manage to leave work on time.

How did he manage before you came on the scene?

You need to put your foot down and say no.

It's all too common for the step-mother to be made the default parent rather than the father. You are not their mother. They already have two parents.

Say you are not available for the pick up and let them (the actual parents) resolve it themselves.

I have refused to collect my DSD from school as it's not my job ultimately and if anyone should be inconvenienced by the school run it should be her Mum or Dad. I don't mind collecting from her home as it is much less of a pain for me to get too.
None of this means that I don't consider her my family, it just means I don't consider my plans or needs as being below her parents. 🤷‍♀️
It's ok to have a limit, OP. It really, really is.

I have refused to collect my DSD from school as it's not my job ultimately and if anyone should be inconvenienced by the school run it should be her Mum or Dad. I don't mind collecting from her home as it is much less of a pain for me to get too.
None of this means that I don't consider her my family, it just means I don't consider my plans or needs as being below her parents. 🤷‍♀️
It's ok to have a limit, OP. It really, really is

If he asked you before saying yes to his ex or arranging overtime, and you agreed - YABU

If he agreed with his ex or arranged overtime without asking you - YANBU

And what happened when you said no sorry I have plans? Because to me that's the key thing here - asking if you can help is fine but it's how he reacts when you say no.

I agree. My DH knew from an early stage what I would and wouldn't do in terms of his children and tbh he has only asked me to watch them twice! He knows it's his and their mums job not mine.

Wow you're lovely aren't you OP 🙄

Well you shouldnt have married someone with young children then, you are totally unreasonable, poor kids

I’ve got grown up kids I don’t need this crap honestly

what do you think would happen when you married someone with younger children?

You signed up to being a step parent with 50% residency.

Being ask to pick up the kids occasionally is not being taken advantage of, it’s just the reality of being a step parent.

If you don’t want to do it then leave. But yes you are being unreasonable to stay and complain about it.

I am a stepparent BTW so I know it’s not a bed of roses.

He's made the classic mistake of assuming you're his nanny.

Perhaps he could schedule his work commitments for the weekend his children are with their mother.

Or, if he needs them looked after, maybe he could ask...their mother?

I'm guessing their mother already has other plans, which is why he's asking you. Too bad for him that you also have other plans. So unfortunately he's going to have to put his children first and cancel whatever he's got going on at work. Like millions of working mothers have to do every single day.

Their parents would parent them?

It's amazing how much posters think someone who is neither of their parents should take care of children, whilst the two actual parents have "more important" things to do.

Thinking about it, in reverse. If DH and I split, and he wasn't available to do his school run, I wouldn't be thinking "well his girlfriend should then." It's for DH to sort out, if it's on his time, and if his gf/wife isn't available, and he can't get childcare, then I, as the other parent, need to sort our children out.

Essentially, it's DH's problem, not yours. The issue is he's making out that you've got the same duty and responsibility for looking after children that aren't yours, as the parents have.

What are the work commitments?

I can understand why you’re annoyed. You want a few hours to yourself.

You said specifically that usually you wouldn’t have a problem with it, only this this weekend you’ve dared to make plans. On this occasion, he will have to sort his own kids out. Not too much to ask of him, is it? 🙄

Everything @PelvicFlora said, with knobs on.

Just say no. What’s the issue?

Are you having a giraffe

I have been on another thread defending blended families and step parents but you are the steparent I would defend.

I hope you don't make his children feel like an inconvenience when they are with you. Uou chose to marry a man with children. They were there before you. So unless you were prepared to treat them like family then you should not have got married.

Your DH is also to blame too for putting his needs before the children.

Would NOT defend!!

I Understand where you are coming from.

How often are you asked to accommodate changing plans without your DH stepping up?

I have two step kids and I have grown up kids. I don't do picking up and dropping off unless there's an absolute emergency. I told my partner when we got together that I wasn't going to be lifting and laying him he was the parent and it was up to him.

If you weren't there, what would he do?

Just say no! It's fine. One of their parents needs to get them or they go to after school club.

Don't make a drama out of it but just quietly start stepping back & holding your own boundaries. Whether or not the CV marriage survives depends how he reacts