Page 10 | Step kids at weekend

Bananarama77 · 2023-04-20T15:46:26+00:00

I’m really unhappy about this situation but not sure if I’m overreacting. My DH is due to have his kids this weekend & he usually picks them up from school on Fridays but this weekend he has commitments to work so he has asked me to collect them from school which usually wouldn’t be a problem however I have plans to meet friends & I was hoping to get a few hours to sort myself out, get ready etc. I’m fed up with having kids here constantly & I rarely get a day to myself. Nice kids but not my responsibility. AIBU?

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mybeautifuloak · 22/04/2023 17:57

SoupDragon · 21/04/2023 07:59

If I were a step parent I would expect to treat any step children as family.

So you would expect to have a say in education and medical decisions too I take it. As well as discipline and all the other parental roles? Or just the workload?

Original poster

Bananarama77 · 22/04/2023 18:07

mybeautifuloak · 22/04/2023 17:57

So you would expect to have a say in education and medical decisions too I take it. As well as discipline and all the other parental roles? Or just the workload?

Show quote history

Sorry have to comment as it’s such a good point..I am not expected (or allowed) to have any say but expected to take them to any appointments despite caring for them 50% of time. This thought process is ridiculous. All the responsibility but no rights

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hourbyhour101 · 22/04/2023 19:02

You are well and truly being taken advantage of op.

I get your DH asked you once and then twice and it's all the frog in the pan situation. That though whenever anyone has collected my Dd for me and had her if I have been unavailable I have been grateful and mindful of not taking advantage.

Since there wasn't a conversation I wonder if DH slipped into the thought process of - ah actually it would be easier to ask you. Rather than him leave work or ask mum (who would kick off). You by not saying hey this impacts me became the easiest option by default. If he had had a chat with you, then it risks you potentially saying actually no.. I don't wanna sign up for that.

I can see you have had the usual comments 🙄 thing is just because you married your DH doesn't mean morally or otherwise you have agreed to be unpaid unappreciated childcare that can't quit. Even childminders can say no and they get paid. Sure others will say they do that and that's fine but ultimately that's their choice and what works for their family.

Make you being pressured into this, the harder option for DH to get out of this bind.

It can't be your default unpaid childcare and also you have no say in xyz and your not even given the respect of being called by your own name.

I would say no and if DH doesn't or won't make other arrangements, show him the door to your house and shut it behind him.
That will force the parents to parent without you. And I suspect that won't be as appealing as the current set up.

Ps you don't have to justify how long you need to get ready to randos on the internet. You are not property- and neither are you owned by DH or mum.

My Dd has a sm and I would never treat sm like this ever.

Original poster

Bananarama77 · 22/04/2023 19:42

My DH doesn’t take the P out of me regarding housework or anything associated. We have a completely shared division of labour. I don’t work & that’s a choice because I don’t need to but I also do not need to raise his children which is the issue here..I’m raising it with him next week

OP posts:

Beamur · 22/04/2023 23:05

mybeautifuloak · 22/04/2023 17:57

So you would expect to have a say in education and medical decisions too I take it. As well as discipline and all the other parental roles? Or just the workload?

Show quote history

I see this kind of comment all the time on these boards.
Treat them as family
Does this work both ways? All ways?
Do step parents get equal shares in all decisions if they're expected to treat kids as their own?
Will the kids behave as if all the adults are their parents and given equal respect and love?
If you think SM's should provide equal access to their time and resources, so what do they get in return? Mother's Day cards? Call me Mum? Tickets for school plays? Equal say in things like health care, education, would you mind if SM took them for haircuts? Got the kids ears pierced?
Or maybe, just maybe, there's a bit of give and take.

Clingthefilm · 22/04/2023 23:17

Why are you able to not work? Are you fully financially independent or are you relying on DH at all?

Scalottia · 23/04/2023 05:18

I am wondering why also @Clingthefilm. Working would get you away from having anything to do with childcare OP!

Original poster

Bananarama77 · 23/04/2023 06:55

Scalottia · 23/04/2023 05:18

I am wondering why also @Clingthefilm. Working would get you away from having anything to do with childcare OP!

Why I don’t work is irrelevant however I’m not doing something I don’t need to just to avoid childminding duties, just because I don’t work doesn’t obligate me to childcare

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CornishGem1975 · 23/04/2023 08:02

That's a big drip feed. If you don't work, how do you 'rarely get a day to yourself'.

SquidwardBound · 23/04/2023 08:05

thing is… it might make some difference to the valance of the situation.

Not directly. It isn’t as simple as: you don’t work, so you must be the unpaid nanny.

It’s more a question about the balance of contributions. The answers about whether/what it’s reasonable to ask of a partner are likely to be different in situations like:

If you are independently wealthy to the extent that you can just live off your own means, such that you are carrying your fair share of the financial load.
If you own the house (outright) so you are contributing financially by housing everyone.
If you are financially dependent on him, and he’s working to pay all the bills for everything, then most people would agree to contribute in other ways.

Obviously, in all cases, they’re still not your children and remain their parents’ responsibility. But the details change the give and take of how each partner contributed to meeting household responsibilities. If one partner is meeting all the financial needs, then it may be fair for the other to help shoulder some of their other responsibilities.

Not that you are obligated to outline the details to strangers on the internet, of course.

moonspiral · 23/04/2023 08:08

Bananarama77 · 22/04/2023 19:42

My DH doesn’t take the P out of me regarding housework or anything associated. We have a completely shared division of labour. I don’t work & that’s a choice because I don’t need to but I also do not need to raise his children which is the issue here..I’m raising it with him next week

Yeah just coz you don't work doesn't mean you are his nanny

Original poster

Bananarama77 · 23/04/2023 08:08

CornishGem1975 · 23/04/2023 08:02

That's a big drip feed. If you don't work, how do you 'rarely get a day to yourself'.

Because aside from kids I have a lot of other things going on

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ImAvingOops · 23/04/2023 08:10

OP might be caring for someone and that takes a lot of her time. Or she might be committed to a volunteer role. Some people wouldn't describe themselves as being in work unless that they do is paid.

Scalottia · 23/04/2023 08:21

Bananarama77 · 23/04/2023 06:55

Why I don’t work is irrelevant however I’m not doing something I don’t need to just to avoid childminding duties, just because I don’t work doesn’t obligate me to childcare

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That was a joke (a bad one) because I don't think you should have to do childcare for his kids at all!

I do wonder why able bodied women that can work don't work though (unless there are other factors at play such as illness, being a carer etc). Unless you are independantly wealthy! Anyway, I digress. I still think that YANBU OP.

Original poster

Bananarama77 · 23/04/2023 09:19

Scalottia · 23/04/2023 08:21

That was a joke (a bad one) because I don't think you should have to do childcare for his kids at all!

I do wonder why able bodied women that can work don't work though (unless there are other factors at play such as illness, being a carer etc). Unless you are independantly wealthy! Anyway, I digress. I still think that YANBU OP.

Show quote history

Sorry just realised there was !
I don’t work because I inherited my lovely GM home & a significant amount of money with some of which I purchased 2 further properties which I rent out so gives me an income plus still have funds left over so I absolutely contribute to the household by providing a house for them all to live in! My DH doesn’t have to work as much as he does in reality but my income/money is my own apart from joint bills but he wants to give his kids better opportunities/options so he does which I understand but it’s obviously now at the detriment of my time when kids are with us

OP posts:

NoSenseNo · 23/04/2023 10:48

@Bananarama77 I would say you do work- you manage rental properties. How many hours of your time that takes up is irrelevant.

SquidwardBound · 23/04/2023 11:00

I don’t think a pedantic discussion of whether the OP ‘works’ or not is really relevant.

The fact is, she contributes substantially to the household. She houses everyone. She contributes fairly to the bills.

She’s not his dependent (arguably, he’s more dependent on her since she is housing him and his children). There’s no argument to be made that he is enabling her lifestyle or whatever.

He’s choosing to work more for his own reasons. It’s not the OP’s responsibility to facilitate that.

Scalottia · 23/04/2023 11:13

SquidwardBound · 23/04/2023 11:00

I don’t think a pedantic discussion of whether the OP ‘works’ or not is really relevant.

The fact is, she contributes substantially to the household. She houses everyone. She contributes fairly to the bills.

She’s not his dependent (arguably, he’s more dependent on her since she is housing him and his children). There’s no argument to be made that he is enabling her lifestyle or whatever.

He’s choosing to work more for his own reasons. It’s not the OP’s responsibility to facilitate that.

Absolutely this, 100%.

Original poster

Bananarama77 · 23/04/2023 11:16

SquidwardBound · 23/04/2023 11:00

I don’t think a pedantic discussion of whether the OP ‘works’ or not is really relevant.

The fact is, she contributes substantially to the household. She houses everyone. She contributes fairly to the bills.

She’s not his dependent (arguably, he’s more dependent on her since she is housing him and his children). There’s no argument to be made that he is enabling her lifestyle or whatever.

He’s choosing to work more for his own reasons. It’s not the OP’s responsibility to facilitate that.

Thank you, I knew people would ask why I don’t work & probably make assumptions without clarification. But my DH has chosen to work to give his DC a better future & provide more opportunities that having more money behind you allows you to have. He’s never once made the assumption that the kids would be ‘financed’ any other way (by me)

OP posts:

WhatNoRaisins · 23/04/2023 11:17

Was there maybe an element of you both hoping they'd be more independent or self-sufficient by now? The 9 year old sounds very high needs and that's a bit of a game changer.

In any case it's for their father to find a way to make it work

Original poster

Bananarama77 · 23/04/2023 11:27

WhatNoRaisins · 23/04/2023 11:17

Was there maybe an element of you both hoping they'd be more independent or self-sufficient by now? The 9 year old sounds very high needs and that's a bit of a game changer.

In any case it's for their father to find a way to make it work

I’m not sure he thought about it but yes I certainly did. He’s going to have a conversation with his ex about arrangements with school pick ups anyway as his DD starts secondary in Sept & the school they picked is closer to her mum than us & presumably she’s going to want to walk with her friends rather than mummy/daddy picking her up so that might change things anyway. Will see

OP posts:

Laurdo · 23/04/2023 11:30

Beamur · 22/04/2023 23:05

I see this kind of comment all the time on these boards.
Treat them as family
Does this work both ways? All ways?
Do step parents get equal shares in all decisions if they're expected to treat kids as their own?
Will the kids behave as if all the adults are their parents and given equal respect and love?
If you think SM's should provide equal access to their time and resources, so what do they get in return? Mother's Day cards? Call me Mum? Tickets for school plays? Equal say in things like health care, education, would you mind if SM took them for haircuts? Got the kids ears pierced?
Or maybe, just maybe, there's a bit of give and take.

Show quote history

This. My DH does allow me to make decisions and discipline his kids as I see fit. He sees me as the kids other parent however never takes what I do for granted. This doesn't change the fact that despite being the one who makes the Xmas show costume, makes the Easter bonnet, helps with reading and spelling, there's only ever 2 tickets for things. Even with a supportive partner I'll always be left out of things.

VWHoliday · 23/04/2023 12:02

I agree that if you marry a man with children you should treat them as family and try to have a good relationship with them.

That doesn't mean you are the third parent and get put on by the parents.

I do things for my SC because I want to not because I'm told to. I do actually get a card and present on Mother's day thanking me for being there for them.

I certainly wouldn't let anybody take the piss out of me.

Invadersmustdie · 23/04/2023 12:10

It matters not one bit whether you work or not. Your time belongs to YOU. It is so refreshing to read from a woman who values themselves rather than taking everything on to cling on to a relationship!

Original poster

Bananarama77 · 23/04/2023 14:16

Bit of an update if anyone cares! I mentioned to DH ( not in front of kids) that I’m fed up with current arrangements & that we need to talk & he said ..’ I knew this was coming’ which makes me think he absolutely knew deep down

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