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Original poster

Step kids at weekend

375 replies

Bananarama77 · 20/04/2023 16:46

I’m really unhappy about this situation but not sure if I’m overreacting.
My DH is due to have his kids this weekend & he usually picks them up from school on Fridays but this weekend he has commitments to work so he has asked me to collect them from school which usually wouldn’t be a problem however I have plans to meet friends & I was hoping to get a few hours to sort myself out, get ready etc. I’m fed up with having kids here constantly & I rarely get a day to myself. Nice kids but not my responsibility. AIBU?

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VWHoliday · 20/04/2023 16:49

Nice kids but not my responsibility

Is this a wind up? How long have you been married?

TellHimDirectlyInDetail · 20/04/2023 16:50

What happens when you tell him you already had plans?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 20/04/2023 16:50

LTB for his and his kids sake

Redebs · 20/04/2023 16:51

If you married him after he had kids, then it is reasonable for you to be involved with them.
If he regularly expected you to care for them in his absence, then maybe you'd be wanting him to reconsider contact arrangements, but an occasional day of childcare would be normal for a step parent, I'd assume.

Some step parents have their partner's children living with them full time, after all.

Greensleeves · 20/04/2023 16:52

The not wanting to pick them up from school I could understand, if he was expecting you to shoulder the load too often and taking advantage. I would expect you to be prepared to do it occasionally though, as part of a family, and I wouldn't think "I want a few hours to get ready for going out" was a very good reason to refuse.

The "sick of having kids around" is more worrying. They're his children, they're not going anywhere, and if you're not up for that you shouldn't be there. What is your plan if something happens to their mother and he gets full-time custody?

SoupDragon · 20/04/2023 16:52

it sounds like a one off where he has asked for your help.

I’m fed up with having kids here constantly

Constantly?

QueenCoconut · 20/04/2023 16:52

I don’t pick up my dsc from school, I think it’s fair for you to say no and question why your husband hasn’t adjusted his shifts/ work hours.

Razberryberet · 20/04/2023 16:57

You sound lovely Op. You married a man with children what did you expect would happen? He spends no time with them and they become the mothers sole responsibility??

booboo82 · 20/04/2023 17:00

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Original poster
Bananarama77 · 20/04/2023 17:01

He has kids 50/50 which I obviously signed up for but usually he does all the childcare & I made it clear that I’d help out occasionally but I have grown up kids so not doing school runs etc. They’re nice enough kids but always around & I’m expected to do the daily crap but when it comes to anything I want then they have to be considered..

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Floofydawg · 20/04/2023 17:05

Well of course you don't have to do it. You have plans.

What sort of 'daily crap' are we talking?

I think some might have taken offense to some of the things you said in your post about being fed up of them being around. Having grown up kids myself I can sympathize with the feeling that you don't really feel your child-rearing days are over when there are younger stepkids involved and you don't have the freedom you would have had if you'd not married a man with kids. But in terms of helping him out, you should do what's convenient for you, however much or little that is.

Somethingneedstochange78 · 20/04/2023 17:13

How old are the kids? Could you not just order them a takeaway and put a film on while you get ready? Until DH gets home?

blackbeardsballsack · 20/04/2023 17:17

Why are previous posters acting as if the children don't have a mum and a dad, who should be working THEIR commitments around their children.

The same posters I am sure would be quick enough to have something to say if OP wanted to make a decision about schools, or where she sits at their weddings etc.

Original poster
Bananarama77 · 20/04/2023 17:23

Kids are 9 & 11. My kids are grown & independent. Don’t get me wrong they are welcome as a Mum I get it but I don’t think it’s fair for me to have to change my plans to accommodate kids that aren’t mine. Their Mum regularly changes plans & puts us in difficult position (how do you refuse). They just seem to always be here & honestly I find it annoying

OP posts:
Hbh17 · 20/04/2023 17:29

They are your stepchildren - of course they are (jointly) your responsibility!

Reugny · 20/04/2023 17:31

Hbh17 · 20/04/2023 17:29

They are your stepchildren - of course they are (jointly) your responsibility!

Actually they legally aren't unless you are a kinship carer or have parental responsibility for them.

The OP clearly has neither.

Reugny · 20/04/2023 17:34

Bananarama77 · 20/04/2023 17:23

Kids are 9 & 11. My kids are grown & independent. Don’t get me wrong they are welcome as a Mum I get it but I don’t think it’s fair for me to have to change my plans to accommodate kids that aren’t mine. Their Mum regularly changes plans & puts us in difficult position (how do you refuse). They just seem to always be here & honestly I find it annoying

If you are going out with friends locally you need to suck it up.

If you were going out with friends further a field or working, then you just tell him "No" and that he needs to tell his workplace that he needs to look after his primary school aged children as no-one else can.

You have 3 more years where you have to look after one of them after school on occassion in the evening. After that as long as they aren't left alone over night they won't need you to look after them.

Daisydu · 20/04/2023 17:36

of course you would have them if you didn’t have plans, you said you would, but you do! So he shouldn’t expect you to. My dp often asks me to have his ds for a few hours before he gets home from work, that’s fine but If I had plans he wouldn’t expect me to. How old are they? Are they not of an age to sort of sit and watch tv with a snack while you get ready? But yeah anyway you shouldn’t be expected to.

onlyabitnosy · 20/04/2023 17:37

Does your dh know you feel this way about his dc?

Scalottia · 20/04/2023 17:39

Hbh17 · 20/04/2023 17:29

They are your stepchildren - of course they are (jointly) your responsibility!

Actually, no, they aren't. They have a mother and a father already.

lunar1 · 20/04/2023 17:40

For this instance I agree with you, he needs to arrange childcare to bring them home and stay with them if he has to work.

But honestly, you are fed up with them being in their home, no child should grow up in a home with adults who wished they weren't there. Its incredibly damaging.

Blondeshavemorefun · 20/04/2023 17:41

So you have plans to go out in eve once dh is back to look after his kids

How long do you need to get ready ?

Pick then up and they can watch tv while you have a bath /wash hair

If ex changes plans then you can say no if have own plans

But this sounds like the usual weekend dh has them but he can't pick up due to work

How long have you been married ?

You don't sound like you like them let alone love them

CornishGem1975 · 20/04/2023 17:43

They’re not your responsibility but as a one-off? I’d feel hard-pushed not to collect my step-children if my DH asked me to help. We’re a partnership, and that includes all aspects of our life.