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Original poster

Step kids at weekend

375 replies

Bananarama77 · 20/04/2023 16:46

I’m really unhappy about this situation but not sure if I’m overreacting.
My DH is due to have his kids this weekend & he usually picks them up from school on Fridays but this weekend he has commitments to work so he has asked me to collect them from school which usually wouldn’t be a problem however I have plans to meet friends & I was hoping to get a few hours to sort myself out, get ready etc. I’m fed up with having kids here constantly & I rarely get a day to myself. Nice kids but not my responsibility. AIBU?

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Blondeshavemorefun · 21/04/2023 11:24

More I read. More I'm torn

You have a dh problem. Not a step child problem

I totally get why the ex got annoyed having to pick up her own kids as it's her weekend off

Your dh should have said no to the work just as any other female parent would have to do

Saying that - as I said previously if it's a one off and you said usually dh picks up and takes out to dinner on a Friday , is it the end of the world to pick them up today and Bung tv on while you get ready

What time is ex now dropping them off
Or what time or dh home @Bananarama77

13Bastards · 21/04/2023 11:27

Yeah I would not be happy with the getting into bed or the shower situation at all. DP's child knows that if he gets into bed it's next to his dad and not me and he knows to not come into the bedroom or bathroom if I am there.

Original poster
Bananarama77 · 21/04/2023 11:29

Blondeshavemorefun · 21/04/2023 11:24

More I read. More I'm torn

You have a dh problem. Not a step child problem

I totally get why the ex got annoyed having to pick up her own kids as it's her weekend off

Your dh should have said no to the work just as any other female parent would have to do

Saying that - as I said previously if it's a one off and you said usually dh picks up and takes out to dinner on a Friday , is it the end of the world to pick them up today and Bung tv on while you get ready

What time is ex now dropping them off
Or what time or dh home @Bananarama77

It’s a problem because I’ve made plans & I wanted to have a nice bath (with the door open!) have a couple of glasses of wine & wander round my own home in my undies whilst I decide what to wear, I don’t think that’s unreasonable. I don’t often see this group of friends & am really looking forward to it. My DH is picking them up from their mums when he finishes work so not sure exactly what time he’ll have sorted that with his ex but I’ll be out by then so doesn’t matter to me

OP posts:
Original poster
Bananarama77 · 21/04/2023 11:32

13Bastards · 21/04/2023 11:27

Yeah I would not be happy with the getting into bed or the shower situation at all. DP's child knows that if he gets into bed it's next to his dad and not me and he knows to not come into the bedroom or bathroom if I am there.

This is what I meant when I previously said he doesn’t understand boundaries. The rule in our home is that if a door is closed/locked then you aren’t to go in but he doesn’t seem to get that, I could understand if he was a toddler but by 9 I would expect him to know that, he’s forever walking in on DSD when she uses loo as she doesn’t like to lock it which causes her embarrassment obviously

OP posts:
13Bastards · 21/04/2023 11:38

I get it OP, but as a stepmum you aren't allowed to have a moan because 'you knew what you were getting into' 😒 I hope you enjoy your bath and your wine and have a fab night out

SquidwardBound · 21/04/2023 11:40

Let the man marry someone who’ll be a team player - that’s the joy of stepchildren I’m afraid.

Ah the team player bullshit.

What about where the man is not a team player? is it just the woman’s job to ‘be a team player’ by doing all the work for him.

Is it more of a horribly hierarchical work team than a sports team where he gets to be the boss and delegate all the stuff that’s beneath him and doesn’t really care about the people doing it?

What about when it stops being ‘a team’ at all if you want to have any say in the tactics used (never mind the strategy)? Is it merely a ‘team’ where you do the work and should just do as you’re told? And where you are disciplined is you dare raise any objections - even if it’s negatively affecting you.

It’s the dysfunctional, patriarchal version of ‘team work’.

Laurdo · 21/04/2023 11:41

Bananarama77 · 21/04/2023 11:29

It’s a problem because I’ve made plans & I wanted to have a nice bath (with the door open!) have a couple of glasses of wine & wander round my own home in my undies whilst I decide what to wear, I don’t think that’s unreasonable. I don’t often see this group of friends & am really looking forward to it. My DH is picking them up from their mums when he finishes work so not sure exactly what time he’ll have sorted that with his ex but I’ll be out by then so doesn’t matter to me

Show quote history

This is absolutely not to much to ask. I'm glad the kids parents managed to sort the childcare between them. Enjoy your bath, enjoying much deserved chill time and your night with your friends!

P. S. Does not surprise me in the slight

NorthernSpirit · 21/04/2023 11:42

TBH…. I haven’t read all the thread & replies (I’ve only read the OP).

Of course as a SM you are expected to drop your own life & do everything asked of you. Pick up’s, drop off’s, child care etc.

If you don’t the usual SM bashing gang on here will brand you an absolutely awful SP - and ‘you knew what you were getting into’. Lol…. How dare you not sacrifice your own life for someone else’s kids.

Of course you aren’t being unreasonable. They aren’t your kids. They have 2 parents.

Tell him to pick his own kids up or arrange someone to do it.

Blondeshavemorefun · 21/04/2023 11:57

He runs his own business but still organised work when having his kids

Scalottia · 21/04/2023 12:00

VWHoliday · 21/04/2023 10:44

What? Like not wishing they were around so much.

Show quote history

There are actual parents who want a break from their bio children. I have read it on here many times. Why is it ok for them but not for step parents?

There's nothing wrong with feeling this way sometimes, whether you are the bio parent or step parent.

Original poster
Bananarama77 · 21/04/2023 12:02

Blondeshavemorefun · 21/04/2023 11:57

He runs his own business but still organised work when having his kids

Yep. He’s expanding, recruiting, taking on new contracts etc etc it’s a big responsibility so can’t just come & go as he pleases..this is his excuse anyway
The only time he ever takes time off is during school summer hols (but still pops in for the odd hour here & there or wfh) & for annual holiday as he said taking more than what his employed staff get looks bad

OP posts:
13Bastards · 21/04/2023 12:04

@Scalottia ssssh stop speaking sense! Only 'real' parents are allowed to want a moments peace from having kids in their house. Stepmums have to be silent on the subject.

Gardeningdogs · 21/04/2023 12:05

Oh sweetie I wish I could give you a hug cause you sound absolutely worn down and I'm not surprised. The amount of posts here saying grandparents shouldn't be expected to provide any childcare because they've raised their children and are finished with that part of life compares dramatically with the responses you've been getting yet you've raised your children, you're done with that part of your life but just because you married a man with children you're expected to start over despite there being two capable (if not entirely willing) parents available. I think the first step will have to be a direct honest conversation with your dh (and I'm actually sorry to see he's a dh not dp, I hope you've got your house etc well tied up), you need to insist no more children in the house unless he is there, the behaviour of his ds is alarming and you are open to misunderstandings which could be dangerous. Please enjoy your night out but take time to decide exactly what you want, write it down and play with it until it's clear in your head and then sit dh down and explain to him that you are no longer willing to mind the children without him being present, no picking up, no more him deciding to work and leaving them with you and stick to it, if he pulls it once the kids are put in your car and dropped to him, his ex, his mother/sister. Good luck and remember there's a lot of years ahead before these children become adults.

moonspiral · 21/04/2023 12:06

Bananarama77 · 21/04/2023 11:32

This is what I meant when I previously said he doesn’t understand boundaries. The rule in our home is that if a door is closed/locked then you aren’t to go in but he doesn’t seem to get that, I could understand if he was a toddler but by 9 I would expect him to know that, he’s forever walking in on DSD when she uses loo as she doesn’t like to lock it which causes her embarrassment obviously

Show quote history

My eldest did this once to my youngest DSC and I soon put a stop to that and told them if they did it again I'd assume it was because they were a creep. That stopped it. Failing that get a decent lock.

VWHoliday · 21/04/2023 12:12

13Bastards · 21/04/2023 12:04

@Scalottia ssssh stop speaking sense! Only 'real' parents are allowed to want a moments peace from having kids in their house. Stepmums have to be silent on the subject.

I'm both.

I do actually think OP's DH is taking the piss.

They have said a lot more since the first post.

I'm glad OP has sorted it and can enjoy their evening.

I actually apologise as I didn't realise how much DH put on OP and how the ex was so disrespectful.

I just hope the children don't realise how much they are all arguing about who is doing what for them.

DeeplyMovingExperience · 21/04/2023 12:21

I think it's time for you to tell him outright that you are no longer going to be the "default" childcare solution. He has to step up and parent his son.

I've been a step parent too (kids are all grown up now), and found myself being used just as you are being.

I told DH "your life is not more important than mine. your time is not more valuable than mine. if you don't want that contact time with your child, don't defer that contact time to me".

I point blank refused to be available. And lo and behold, the schedule changed. What a surprise (not).

BeetleBailey · 21/04/2023 12:22

Did you not realise that your partner had children when you began a relationship with him?

PelvicFlora · 21/04/2023 12:24

BeetleBailey · 21/04/2023 12:22

Did you not realise that your partner had children when you began a relationship with him?

What an absolutely stupid comment to bother wasting your time even typing out.

QueenCoconut · 21/04/2023 12:28

BeetleBailey · 21/04/2023 12:22

Did you not realise that your partner had children when you began a relationship with him?

What a pointless comment.

Coffeeandbourbons · 21/04/2023 12:31

Bananarama77 · 20/04/2023 17:01

He has kids 50/50 which I obviously signed up for but usually he does all the childcare & I made it clear that I’d help out occasionally but I have grown up kids so not doing school runs etc. They’re nice enough kids but always around & I’m expected to do the daily crap but when it comes to anything I want then they have to be considered..

if he has them 50:50 then they’re not ‘always around’.

You married him knowing he had children, younger than yours. This is a one off favour; if it was a regular thing then I would say YANBU. And technically you wouldn’t be unreasonable to say no to this, but what about next time you need a favour from DH? Sounds like you just want them to disappear

And why does getting ready take a few hours?! You can shower, blow dry and do make up in about an hour even when you’re not rushing.

Coffeeandbourbons · 21/04/2023 12:34

Bananarama77 · 21/04/2023 11:21

I think I was so pissed off because for half the Easter break I had them most of the time & this situation was straw that broke camels back. DH was supposed to take week off (he runs his own business so doesn’t have to request leave) but he decided to go in for most of it. As I previously said his DS is hard work & doesn’t leave me alone for 5 mins (gets into bed with me in the morning which is an absolute no-no for me and makes me feel extremely uncomfortable, knocks on bathroom door & tries to come in when I’m showering, has emotional meltdowns about very trivial things) so I’m exhausted & just want some time for myself so when he asked me to collect from school today it just felt too much. Anyway as I said their mum is collecting them now.

Actually I read this and changed my mind.

YANBU overall; the relationship sounds a bit doomed to be honest (and I’m not a LTB type poster)

Original poster
Bananarama77 · 21/04/2023 12:34

Coffeeandbourbons · 21/04/2023 12:31

if he has them 50:50 then they’re not ‘always around’.

You married him knowing he had children, younger than yours. This is a one off favour; if it was a regular thing then I would say YANBU. And technically you wouldn’t be unreasonable to say no to this, but what about next time you need a favour from DH? Sounds like you just want them to disappear

And why does getting ready take a few hours?! You can shower, blow dry and do make up in about an hour even when you’re not rushing.

Show quote history

Because they’re usually in my care so that’s how it feels. I don’t have to justify why I want time to myself to get ready, I want that time so that’s good enough. Any way I am going to talk to DH about it next week as it’s got to change.

OP posts:
SquidwardBound · 21/04/2023 12:38

13Bastards · 21/04/2023 12:04

@Scalottia ssssh stop speaking sense! Only 'real' parents are allowed to want a moments peace from having kids in their house. Stepmums have to be silent on the subject.

No. They’re supposed to delight in being the person that gives the parents the time off. 😮‍💨

clpsmum · 21/04/2023 12:40

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Reugny · 21/04/2023 12:41

Because they’re usually in my care so that’s how it feels.

Sorry OP you didn't make it clear that you take care of them.

I made it clear when I started going out with my DC I was not taking care of his DC except as a last resort. His ex being so nasty helped with this.

In your case make it clear that you will no longer being providing childcare for him as contact time is for him to spend with them. Then make sure you are unavailable like you have done tonight every single time until he gets the message.

I know plenty of self-employed separated fathers and mothers who know their child comes first. Lots of them have lost work, so money, because of their parenting responsibilities.

Oh - put in door locks and make sure you use them when your SS is around. His sister will have to learn to use them but that's for her dad to teach her.