Step kids at weekend

[Bananarama77]

I’m really unhappy about this situation but not sure if I’m overreacting.
My DH is due to have his kids this weekend & he usually picks them up from school on Fridays but this weekend he has commitments to work so he has asked me to collect them from school which usually wouldn’t be a problem however I have plans to meet friends & I was hoping to get a few hours to sort myself out, get ready etc. I’m fed up with having kids here constantly & I rarely get a day to myself. Nice kids but not my responsibility. AIBU?

Fair point. But I wouldn't get involved with someone if I wasn't willing to treat their children like my own. I would expect the same.

Well then my comment wasn't aimed at you was it?

I always think adults who get very upset at the notion that step parents don't consider step children 'as their own', have a lot of work to do on boundaries. I doubt veery much that children who already have two present and engaged parents want another adult to claim them 'as their own'.

I don't know any stepparent who is trying to claim the children as their own. Just treat them as family and not a burden.

To be fair after reading more of the OP's post they sound like they do a lot for the children but they worded things a bit unkind in some posts.

As pointed about my @ZeroFuchsGiven

I’m fed up with having kids here constantly

They just seem to always be here & honestly I find it annoying

I’ve got grown up kids I don’t need this crap honestly

And that's entirely your right to want that for yourself but it doesn't mean that has to apply to everyone.

Let the man marry someone who’ll be a team player - that’s the joy of stepchildren I’m afraid.

Not meaning to sound awful, but there’s a lot of people out there who would muck in a lot more without fuss.

It's a relationship not a fucking job vacancy

You have parented two children. You know what life with children is like. You got into a relationship with a man with two young children with your eyes wide open to what life might be like.

You said "we" will have to review the care arrangement. No YOU won't. The children's parents will review their care arrangement. If your husband wants to care for his own children 50 percent of the time then he can. What he can't do is expect you to do anything for the children or stick around if the arrangement doesn't suit you.

If this isn't working for you, it's ok to leave.

My stepchildren would be like wtaf if I started treating them like they were my own.

It's maybe easier to take it out on the kids than say "My DH prioritises his ex over me" "My DH can't say no to his ex".

It it helps OP I think the tweenage years are some of the hardest personally. My eldest DSC is great now they've got through that bit

What? Like not wishing they were around so much.

But he doesn't want to care for them 50 50. He wants to have them at his house 50 50, but he wants OP to care for them.

As a PP said: it's not a fucking job.

OP is not obliged to sign up for 50% childcare of children that aren't hers, when he can't even commit to 50% childcare of children that ARE his.

He needs a childminder or a more flexible job. Like how all other working parents manage.

I think a part of my frustration is also that his ex left him for someone else & moved over an hour away to live with him essentially denying DH of daily contact with his kids, so initially when we first got together it was EOW. Her relationship didn’t work out so she moved back hence how the 50/50 came about but everything is on her terms when it’s good for her so me looking after the kids when all these last minute plans come up is fine but when I made a suggestion that her DS may need to have his behaviour checked as it was a bit concerning she went mad at me & said I’m nobody to them, mind your own business, how would I know (because looking after her kids 50% is nothing). She refers to me as she or her or the wicked witch of the west & yet DH just remains fairly passive to it. His ex always causes problems when we have plans, my DM birthday party, my nieces wedding, our weekend break..she’s always running late or has a family emergency or a problem at work, it’s all sabotage tactics and yet DH just sort of ignores it, it’s so frustrating & really bizarre

They'd be so confused if I started trying to be a mum to them. They're perfectly happy with me doing what I'm doing and leaving the parenting up to their actual parents.

I treat my DSD as if she were my own despite having the burning fear in the back of my head that one day she could just want nothing to do with me. I do it knowing that her mother drips poison in her ear about me and one day she could start taking it on board and decide she hates me. I put my heart on the line every day and do my best for that little girl everyday knowing one day my heart could be trampled on.

People expecting SPs to treat SCs like their own have no idea.

It’s up to me if I provide child care for them so Yes I will be reviewing that arrangement & if I chose to withdraw that care then they can then review their options from then on. I’m not obligated to provide care or leave! As if it works like that

So he's happy to keep throwing you under the bus in order to keep the peace?

That's really shit of him. No wonder you're at the end of your wick with it all. I would be too. Why would you go above and beyond to help them both out when she slags you off and he can't even stick up for you?

I am glad your husband has sorted the only sensible alternative. But generally, I don't know how you cope with younger step children, @Bananarama77, when you have adult children of your own. There is nothing on earth that would persuade me to date a man with young children, never mind marry one. Even when mine were younger, I wouldn't have gone for the 'blended family' thing as it's a bloody minefield. Someone upthread said you didn't sound as if you even liked your stepchildren, never mind love them. Why would anyone expect someone to love or even like children who aren't theirs?

Ok, so she's high conflict by the sounds of it. She's not going to change and you can't control her behaviour. Your DH can however control how he reacts to her behaviour.

If he doesn't already I'd recommend getting a formal agreement in place and detail what should happen if there is an emergency or either parent needs to make a change. Give her a notice period for changes. Your DH needs to only reply to the necessary and ignore any other shit she may be kicking up. He needs to start pushing back on last minute changes and if he needs you to step in he has to ask you first before saying yes to his ex, with the acceptance that you can absolutely say no for whatever reason.

If she's name calling infront of the kids that needs to be addressed by your DH. She can think what she wants but she shouldn't bad mouth either of you to the kids.

If you feel you're being left to pick up after the kids at home then that needs to change also. You're not a maid.

Lastly, DH needs to make time for you. It's all very well saying "you knew he had kids bla bla bla" but he chose to get into a relationship with you. He didn't do that with the expectations that you would never need or want any of his attention. Make sure you make time for yourselves, a regular date night and if the ex asks him to have the kids he just says no.

I think this is why I get to the point when I feel like I’m sick of kids being around as I then feel like great what is expected of me this time. I don’t dislike them at all I’m very fond of them but of course I don’t love them like my own, so obviously resentment probably builds up. She calls me the wicked witch to the kids not my DH, my DSD told me. When she refers to me as she/her my DH just says stop being so childish & use her name but she doesn’t stop.

How old are the kids? I would chuck the telly on, whack a pizza in the oven and then just let DP's 7 year old know I'm upstairs if they need anything as I am getting ready to go out.

I get it, it can be hard having kids about (parents frequently say this type of thing on here about not having a moments peace) especially if you don't have them yourself or yours are grown up.

As a stepmom though, mumsnet is not the place to come and moan as an FYI, you will not get nice responses, especially to comments like yours.

Exactly why I said that he can't expect op to provide childcare. And why op should perhaps exercise her right to control what she can i.e. HER presence in the house.

It does work like that. You know that fundamentally you can not control her behaviour. You also know you can not control your husband's reaction to it or his expectations on you. Quite literally the only person who can make this situation better for you is you. You are frustrated with her behaviour and you are frustrated with his behaviour but more importantly you are resenting the children and their presence. Something has to change and if none of the other acting characters are changing your only option left is for you to live somewhere else.

She certainly shouldn't be name calling them, and your DH should be doing something about it.

I do think if the expectation is that Mum helps out during Dads contact time, then that should be honoured the other way. Not that she's expected to help, they are her children after all, but I get pissy when she asks DH for help when the children should be with her. It works both ways, or neither way.

I think I was so pissed off because for half the Easter break I had them most of the time & this situation was straw that broke camels back. DH was supposed to take week off (he runs his own business so doesn’t have to request leave) but he decided to go in for most of it. As I previously said his DS is hard work & doesn’t leave me alone for 5 mins (gets into bed with me in the morning which is an absolute no-no for me and makes me feel extremely uncomfortable, knocks on bathroom door & tries to come in when I’m showering, has emotional meltdowns about very trivial things) so I’m exhausted & just want some time for myself so when he asked me to collect from school today it just felt too much. Anyway as I said their mum is collecting them now.

Well it’s my house so he would technically have to find somewhere else to live