If we paid towards SD puppy is it partly ours???

[Itsnotmypuppy]

Dh sees his dd every other weekend. Pays maintenance but extra as and when.

Recently was SD birthday and we got her the things she asked for but then her mum asked Dh for some extra money as she wanted to get her something and couldn’t afford it. Fine , Dh transferred the money and we didn’t think much more of it as usual.

Turns out she was getting SD a puppy, SD has ASD and apparently this will help.

The problem is , I’m allergic to dogs and so is my ds, I also dislike the smell and have a bit of a phobia of dogs if I’m honest.

Apparently the puppy is coming with SD every other weekend ??? It’s a ‘support dog’ suddenly. I’ve told dh no absolutely not , SD mum is saying we are partly responsible as we paid towards the dog so it’s ours as well???
She has form for dropping off on the doorstep and leaving then telling SD to knock so weve had to have her on unplanned days on multiple occasions as she won’t pre plan extra days and she has said she will do the same but with the puppy as well ? I told dh if that happens he will need to explain to SD the puppy can’t come in and he will have to source dog care or kennels. He told me to just buy some allergy medication for me and ds.

SD mum is saying it’s our responsibility too as it’s basically a treatment for SD so we can’t say no!

[RedHelenB]

Is your ds also your dhs son?

[Itsnotmypuppy]

@RedHelenB

Is your ds also your dhs son?

Yes

[MintJulia]

Well, your DH needs to put his DD first for those weekends, so I guess he could take them to stay with a grandparent, or rent an Airbnb, or spend the weekend at his ex's house.

There will be a solution somehow.

[mycoffeecup]

People with dog allergies in the house -> no dogs in the house. Simple.

[KnickerlessParsons]

When DDs boyfriend comes to our house he takes antihistamine as he's allergic to our cat.
Could you do the same?

[Theunamedcat]

Medication might not work he needs to keep the dog out of the house so he needs to book an air bnb or something for the dog you can't be made ill to make his life easier

[Lifesagamethentheytaketheboardaway]

Is this actually a support dog? Is it making a genuine difference to her life and managing her diagnosis?

[Itsnotmypuppy]

@MintJulia

Well, your DH needs to put his DD first for those weekends, so I guess he could take them to stay with a grandparent, or rent an Airbnb, or spend the weekend at his ex's house.

There will be a solution somehow.

I suggested he stay there but SD mum said no , either she will be away and doesn’t want him there alone or she will be there and doesn’t want weekends with him there.
No family or grandparents in the U.K. and no funds for alternative accommodation every other week .

dh says that weighing up both dc needs that ds can take antihistamines but he can’t see a way to make it easier for dd so ds has to be the one to compromise . The fact I’m allergic too and don’t want a puppy in the house is irrelevant it seems

[IhearyouClemFandango]

He hardly paid towards it if she didn't tell him what the money was for. What an idiot.

[Itsnotmypuppy]

@Lifesagamethentheytaketheboardaway

Is this actually a support dog? Is it making a genuine difference to her life and managing her diagnosis?

No it’s a puppy they got 2 weeks ago . When I told dh no and that got back to SD mum it suddenly became a support dog….

[Itsnotmypuppy]

@IhearyouClemFandango

He hardly paid towards it if she didn't tell him what the money was for. What an idiot.

Apparently what we gave paid just over half so that means we have half the responsibility apparently!!! We didn’t even know she asked for more money for SD - we transferred like we have done plenty of times before

[Itsnotmypuppy]

I’m honestly dreading what happens on Friday night now she usually drops SD off and I just know what’ll happen

[Lifesagamethentheytaketheboardaway]

Then hold firm. It is their family pet, not yours. Pet allergies can be just as serious as any other allergy and it won’t just be for the weekend; your house will have dog hair in it and you’ll feel the affects of your allergy all the time.

She bought the dog. She is responsible for it. Your husband doesn’t get to force this into the 2 of you.

[MzHz]

@MintJulia

Well, your DH needs to put his DD first for those weekends, so I guess he could take them to stay with a grandparent, or rent an Airbnb, or spend the weekend at his ex's house.

There will be a solution somehow.

Yup. This. It’s not your problem to fix.

dh needs to meet his daughter somewhere else

[Lifesagamethentheytaketheboardaway]

Pick SD up instead. Don’t take the dog.

Separate questions; what happens if no one is home when she just leaves SD on your doorstep when she fancies an extra day off?

[mdinbc]

I wouldn't accept it... and your hubby better check on vet costs, boarding fees, etc. Dogs can be very expensive.

[Chamomileteaplease]

Surely your DH can see that if his daughter is suddenly supposed to stay EOW with a dog 😮, then this is something to be talked about and agreed on beforehand between him and his ex.

He sounds as wet as hell. Why is he more worried about pissing off his ex than you and your son's health and wellbeing?

Keep refusing - this is ridiculous. What a hateful woman that mother must be. I am sure his daughter, ASD or not, will cope without the dog for a couple of nights every fortnight.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Wow, she’s beyond ridiculous. He’s pitifully spineless. Neither one of the children he chose to have should be prioritised. It’s not DS’s fault his dad has another child.

I’m not allergic to dogs but I don’t like them and no dog would set foot over my doorstep for anyone.

This is one of the most insane things I’ve ever seen on here and that’s saying something.

[funinthesun19]

If this was an arrangement she wanted for DD, then she should have spoken to your DH beforehand. Not saying she would have got her own way on this occasion due to the allergies, but with things like this you discuss it if it impacts on the other household. It’s like when one parent books a hobby without talking about it and expecting the other household to just go along with it.

[Itsnotmypuppy]

@Lifesagamethentheytaketheboardaway

Pick SD up instead. Don’t take the dog.

Separate questions; what happens if no one is home when she just leaves SD on your doorstep when she fancies an extra day off?

She knows I work from home and that I’m 99% of the time here so it’s been luck that I’ve always just taken her in as couldn’t leave her standing out there

[Idratherbepaddleboarding]

The ex has been utterly ridiculous and your DH is being spineless, but I can promise you after one weekend with a tiny baby puppy, he won’t be so keen to have it back the weekend after! Can you and DS go somewhere else for the first weekend?

[EmilyGilmoresSass]

Did it not occur to ask her mother what it was she needed more money for? It could be a support dog, I know many people with ASD who have great bonds with animals and find them very therapeutic company. I'm of the minority, it wouldn't bother me tbh if it was in the best interests of my child and I would take an antihistamine. But I'm aware it wouldn't work for everyone.

[Quartz2208]

I take antihistamine when seeing dogs or cats and often doesn’t help,I still feel awful. DD was so Ill when exposed to a cat she was nearly hospitalised.

Allergies are serious and at a minimum can be very uncomfortable and once the dog hair is in the house fairly constant.

Your DH needs to understand the above

[Itsnotmypuppy]

@EmilyGilmoresSass

Did it not occur to ask her mother what it was she needed more money for? It could be a support dog, I know many people with ASD who have great bonds with animals and find them very therapeutic company. I'm of the minority, it wouldn't bother me tbh if it was in the best interests of my child and I would take an antihistamine. But I'm aware it wouldn't work for everyone.

No as usually she will ask and it’s fine Dh pays a set amount plus extras as and when we don’t expect her to justify what she wants it for although now I wish we had !

[Secondtimesally]

If it’s really a support dog they won’t have got it as a puppy - it will have been through trainers - so at least 1 year old.
My sister fostered a puppy from 8 weeks to 6 months before he went onto a trainer - that was via the official organisation for ASD support dogs. And he needed further training to really be a “support dog”.

That was a really poor choice by your DH ex - SD will be attached to the dog and may not want to visit her dad without him.
But it’s not fair to make sick by it! My kids LOVE cats (both ASD) but I’m allergic so not going there - even though I know it would be good for them.
Stay strong and push back.