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Original poster

If we paid towards SD puppy is it partly ours???

171 replies

Itsnotmypuppy · 12/04/2023 18:34

Dh sees his dd every other weekend. Pays maintenance but extra as and when.

Recently was SD birthday and we got her the things she asked for but then her mum asked Dh for some extra money as she wanted to get her something and couldn’t afford it. Fine , Dh transferred the money and we didn’t think much more of it as usual.

Turns out she was getting SD a puppy, SD has ASD and apparently this will help.

The problem is , I’m allergic to dogs and so is my ds, I also dislike the smell and have a bit of a phobia of dogs if I’m honest.

Apparently the puppy is coming with SD every other weekend ??? It’s a ‘support dog’ suddenly. I’ve told dh no absolutely not , SD mum is saying we are partly responsible as we paid towards the dog so it’s ours as well???
She has form for dropping off on the doorstep and leaving then telling SD to knock so weve had to have her on unplanned days on multiple occasions as she won’t pre plan extra days and she has said she will do the same but with the puppy as well ? I told dh if that happens he will need to explain to SD the puppy can’t come in and he will have to source dog care or kennels. He told me to just buy some allergy medication for me and ds.

SD mum is saying it’s our responsibility too as it’s basically a treatment for SD so we can’t say no!

OP posts:
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OriginalUsername2 · 12/04/2023 19:45

Hold firm. This is not your responsibility and it was incredibly irresponsible for the mother to take on a puppy she cat look after all week.

Eggseggseverywhere · 12/04/2023 19:46

Yabu to have handed over 600 frigging quid.
Imagine if the big treated had been to a posh spa day. . With her dm to accompany her.. ...
Paid for by her ex!!

Furrydogmum · 12/04/2023 19:47

I say this as a dog owner, he is being unreasonable, it would be reasonable for you to take the odd antihistamine to visit a house with animals, but you shouldn't have to put up with the contamination constantly in your own home!

slowquickstep · 12/04/2023 19:47

Support dog my arse. Tell your DH and your DSD no to having the dog in the house. The ex is being a CF of the highest order.

Original poster
Itsnotmypuppy · 12/04/2023 19:48

Eggseggseverywhere · 12/04/2023 19:46

Yabu to have handed over 600 frigging quid.
Imagine if the big treated had been to a posh spa day. . With her dm to accompany her.. ...
Paid for by her ex!!

well to be fair SD has very high needs and we only have her every other weekend so I know dh wouldn’t mind that (actually would have been better than this situation!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsnotmypuppy · 12/04/2023 19:52

Dh knows now he was BU suggesting we take antihistamines after I showed him all the responses here

OP posts:
HunterHearstHelmsley · 12/04/2023 19:57

Itsnotmypuppy · 12/04/2023 19:52

Dh knows now he was BU suggesting we take antihistamines after I showed him all the responses here

At least he's seen the error of his ways so you don't have to LTB Wink

Throw it back to DM.

WonderingWanda · 12/04/2023 20:01

It's totally unacceptable of the ex to spring this on you all without checking. If the Puppy is half yours and you didn't need to be consulted before it's purchase then I would suggest ex doesn't need to be consulted before it is rehomed. Tell her that if she drops off the puppy that is what will be happening. And tell your dh that it's a deal breaker if he doesn't stand firm with you.

Aug12 · 12/04/2023 20:14

In my region there are two options for autistic support dogs. The first option is waiting to be matched to a fully trained dog and the second is full funding/training of your dog to become a fully trained support dog. Puppies get 18month of puppy manners/basic training to start and then they get trained to be support dogs.. Is it possible this is the plan for the puppy and they have received funding?

AliceMcK · 12/04/2023 20:18

Fine it’s half your dog, tell the ex if the dog turns up at your house you will be sending it to a shelter or selling it and giving her her half of the share.

Agree with others get your DH to grow a backbone.

Original poster
Itsnotmypuppy · 12/04/2023 20:19

Aug12 · 12/04/2023 20:14

In my region there are two options for autistic support dogs. The first option is waiting to be matched to a fully trained dog and the second is full funding/training of your dog to become a fully trained support dog. Puppies get 18month of puppy manners/basic training to start and then they get trained to be support dogs.. Is it possible this is the plan for the puppy and they have received funding?

I suppose it could be possible if that’s how it can work but it seems unlikely I’m more of the opinion she’s trying her luck

OP posts:
Justalittlebitduckling · 12/04/2023 20:24

She’s trying to control you. It’s bonkers to suggest you’re responsible for something you didn’t know about.

Tell her you won’t be taking in the dog and if she dumps the dog on you, you’ll call the dog warden and say you found it as a stray because presumably the chip is registered to her address. It’ll cost her £200 to pick it up. She won’t do it again.

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 12/04/2023 20:25

KnickerlessParsons · 12/04/2023 18:38

When DDs boyfriend comes to our house he takes antihistamine as he's allergic to our cat.
Could you do the same?

Why should she have to do this? She has already said she doesn’t like or want a dog in her home so no one skills be springing a dog on her.

The child’s mother should keep the dog at home and look after it while the daughter is with her dad or the dad keeps his daughter as dog at his parents house or somewhere else when it’s his turn to have her.

ScrollingLeaves · 12/04/2023 20:28

Re what you said OP which made it seem as though you feel dubious and cynical about your SD having a dog:
“Apparently this will help”
”It’s a support dog suddenly”

I just wanted to say that it is well known that a dog can help a great deal with a child with asd, and, as that would be the intention, it truly would be a support dog.

It is a shame you are allergic to dogs and have a phobia of them. Perhaps it would be best if the dog does not come with her on the weekends she stays with you. But please don’t doubt the reasons for your SD having a dog or begrudge her having one.

potatowhale · 12/04/2023 20:28

You wouldn't buy a horse and dump it on her doorstep every other weekend. She's a right sort.

ScrollingLeaves · 12/04/2023 20:30

Tell her you won’t be taking in the dog and if she dumps the dog on you, you’ll call the dog warden and say you found it as a stray because presumably the chip is registered to her address. It’ll cost her £200 to pick it up. She won’t do it again.

What a nasty, vicious piece of advice.

RichardHeed · 12/04/2023 20:32

I hope she has insurance for the dog as you know what muggins will be expected to pay vet bills too.

Lollypop701 · 12/04/2023 20:32

If it’s a poodle mix I think they cause less allergies… so if you don’t want to become involved with The dog don’t let it in your house ever…. just in case you’re not allergic because it will end up living with you (as mum
has clearly not considered a dog is very time consuming and very expensive )

Lastnamedidntstick · 12/04/2023 20:43

ScrollingLeaves · 12/04/2023 20:28

Re what you said OP which made it seem as though you feel dubious and cynical about your SD having a dog:
“Apparently this will help”
”It’s a support dog suddenly”

I just wanted to say that it is well known that a dog can help a great deal with a child with asd, and, as that would be the intention, it truly would be a support dog.

It is a shame you are allergic to dogs and have a phobia of them. Perhaps it would be best if the dog does not come with her on the weekends she stays with you. But please don’t doubt the reasons for your SD having a dog or begrudge her having one.

dogs don’t always help. This dog appears to be an impulse buy as well so it’s unlikely to have been researched, trained appropriately etc.

someone we know did the same for their add child. Same principle that it would help a great deal. It did not work and it ended up the child and the dog had to be kept separate and/or closely supervised for both their sakes.

I would have expected more work with dogs generally to asses the child’s reaction, and as pp said a proper support dog would have had training. Going out and getting a dog for an ND child on impulse may work, but equally it may not.

shutthewindownow · 12/04/2023 20:45

I suspect you arnt allergic you just don't like them. A puppy will be a liveable thing see this as an opportunity to get to love the dog you may surprise yourself.

quietnightmare · 12/04/2023 20:51

You and your DH were consulted nor involved in the decision to buy a dog therefore you aren't to be involved in its care. Tell the mother that next time she makes a decision that effects your household you need to have a conversation first.

wetotter · 12/04/2023 20:53

Lollypop701 · 12/04/2023 20:32

If it’s a poodle mix I think they cause less allergies… so if you don’t want to become involved with The dog don’t let it in your house ever…. just in case you’re not allergic because it will end up living with you (as mum
has clearly not considered a dog is very time consuming and very expensive )

This is not necessarily the case

When it's a crossbreed, you can get characteristics from either parent, so the coat could be akin to that of the non-poodle parent. And of course then there's also dander

HunterHearstHelmsley · 12/04/2023 21:06

shutthewindownow · 12/04/2023 20:45

I suspect you arnt allergic you just don't like them. A puppy will be a liveable thing see this as an opportunity to get to love the dog you may surprise yourself.

It doesn't matter. OP doesn't want the dog in her home.

CandyLeBonBon · 12/04/2023 21:12

shutthewindownow · 12/04/2023 20:45

I suspect you arnt allergic you just don't like them. A puppy will be a liveable thing see this as an opportunity to get to love the dog you may surprise yourself.

You can look after it then! Ffs 🙄