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Original poster

If we paid towards SD puppy is it partly ours???

171 replies

Itsnotmypuppy · 12/04/2023 18:34

Dh sees his dd every other weekend. Pays maintenance but extra as and when.

Recently was SD birthday and we got her the things she asked for but then her mum asked Dh for some extra money as she wanted to get her something and couldn’t afford it. Fine , Dh transferred the money and we didn’t think much more of it as usual.

Turns out she was getting SD a puppy, SD has ASD and apparently this will help.

The problem is , I’m allergic to dogs and so is my ds, I also dislike the smell and have a bit of a phobia of dogs if I’m honest.

Apparently the puppy is coming with SD every other weekend ??? It’s a ‘support dog’ suddenly. I’ve told dh no absolutely not , SD mum is saying we are partly responsible as we paid towards the dog so it’s ours as well???
She has form for dropping off on the doorstep and leaving then telling SD to knock so weve had to have her on unplanned days on multiple occasions as she won’t pre plan extra days and she has said she will do the same but with the puppy as well ? I told dh if that happens he will need to explain to SD the puppy can’t come in and he will have to source dog care or kennels. He told me to just buy some allergy medication for me and ds.

SD mum is saying it’s our responsibility too as it’s basically a treatment for SD so we can’t say no!

OP posts:
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silverlentils · 12/04/2023 21:17

It drives me nuts when people get an animal and then claim it's a support animal and think they are entitled to take it everywhere.... people even expect social services to effectively pay for pet food and vet bills because the rescue dog they acquired that is totally untrained is suddenly "a support dog".

It's not a support dog. It's an untrained young puppy. The ex is a CF and you did not agree to take on a part time dog, that's just ridiculous.

Just because someone is emotionally attached to an animal does not make that animal a support animal. Support animals are properly trained.

Your partner needs to grow a backbone. The wife chose to buy the dog, she even expected him to pay towards it but that's where his responsibility ends.

What happens when the dog needs to see the vet, will she be expecting you and DP to pay half the bills as well? She just wants to have a dog, have time off from the dig and have someone else help pay for the dog. Total CF

Duvetdweller · 12/04/2023 21:28

shutthewindownow · 12/04/2023 20:45

I suspect you arnt allergic you just don't like them. A puppy will be a liveable thing see this as an opportunity to get to love the dog you may surprise yourself.

Hi OP’s partners ex 👋

RichardHeed · 12/04/2023 21:36

shutthewindownow · 12/04/2023 20:45

I suspect you arnt allergic you just don't like them. A puppy will be a liveable thing see this as an opportunity to get to love the dog you may surprise yourself.

Why do people just make shit up. Unless you’re OPs doctor and apparently know more about her allergy than you do? But I suspect you don’t know much about anything tbh.

aSofaNearYou · 12/04/2023 21:37

You say no, simple. She didn't consult you, you have every right to say no.

potatowhale · 12/04/2023 21:38

My DSC have pets at their mums. They stay at their mums! There's no way they are bringing a pet here.

Daisydu · 12/04/2023 21:45

MintJulia · 12/04/2023 18:37

Well, your DH needs to put his DD first for those weekends, so I guess he could take them to stay with a grandparent, or rent an Airbnb, or spend the weekend at his ex's house.

There will be a solution somehow.

What in the actual hell. Why why why does the child he had first come before his second born child?! Why?! If my dp took off for 2 weekends a month with his eldest son (who isn’t mine) and left me and our kids we have together I’d be telling him to stay away bloody permanently.

Suzi888 · 12/04/2023 21:50

Poor bloody dog. She should’ve discussed it with you before getting a dog. Insanity.

Either take antihistamines or don’t have the dog. Shoving the puppy in kennels every weekend is pretty shit.

ObiWanKanobi · 12/04/2023 21:51

You have to stand really firm on this because if you let the dog stay once then you won't be able to on back track. Your DH also needs to be firm and if the dog is coming with SD then SD cannot stay.

It is completely unacceptable for her to buy a dog and then expect you to take of it when SD visits without discussing with you first. It dosnt matter if you paid some of the money as you had no idea what it was being spent on! Allergies aside, your dog may not be dog proof, you may have plans which mean you might be away for long periods of time or undertaking activities that the dog cannot come along to. It is outrageously out of order that she has done this. If she wants a dog the that's fine but it cannot come with SD

DHsPoorBack · 12/04/2023 21:52

Itsnotmypuppy · 12/04/2023 19:29

Yes his ex works full time . I think that’s why she wants her child free weekend to be dog free as well but it’s not going to be that way !

I can't believe no one is seeing how glaringly obvious this is.

Ex wanted to do a big present and get her kid a £££ puppy. Asks your DH for £600 (and mentions nothing to do with a puppy).

Now it's suddenly dawned on her that her impulse present is actually a pain in the arse and needs full time care on the weekends that she's been used to having footloose and fancy free. So now comes the bullshit that it's a "support dog" when it's categorically not.

It's all bull to try and dress up that it's DH being a bad parent for not taking his poor daughter's desperately needed support dog. When actually, it's take-the-piss ex trying to palm off the responsibility of looking after the dog she bought, but now can't be arsed to look after, to suit her social life.

Seriously, where is your DH's backbone?

aibuaibuaibu · 12/04/2023 22:00

Antihistamine have side affects

quietnightmare · 12/04/2023 22:02

@DHsPoorBack
Speaking the truth right there.

Codlingmoths · 12/04/2023 22:14

it is not a support dog - fact. it is not partly yours - fact. If it were yours you could and would rehome it. It wouldn’t be coming inside my house if we had allergies and I’m glad your dh has realised that was a pretty horrible approach he took there briefly. Her mum bought the dog and I would say it will go to the pound if you drop it here. You have dd contact time not pet contact time, dsds mum is a full time dog owner now.

Is there even any evidence it’s good for dd?

ObiWanKanobi · 12/04/2023 22:19

SD can presumably manage at school without the dog so she can manage her co tact weekends with her dad without the dog. Dad needs to be very clear with mum that the dog is not coming to the house so if she pulls any shenanigans that could potentially upset SD is all on her. Do not even entertain the idea of dad meeting SD with the dog away from the house either as that is still going along with mums insanity.

Mexicansky · 12/04/2023 22:52

I don't understand why he is going over to discuss options with SD mum
He goes to collect SD and says the dog isn't coming with us. That should be the end of his involvement.
She bought the dog she can decided what to do with it when SD is with you.
If he ends up getting involved in arrangements he will end up paying towards them!

lunar1 · 12/04/2023 23:03

I would make it clear to your husband that if he turns up Friday with the dog, he's not bringing it in the house.

It's one thing to take an antihistamine to visit someone for a few hours, it's quite another to have the buildup of allergens that n your home over time.

What kind of wet lettuce is he that he needs to discuss this with his ex!

I wouldn't entertain any discussion over this being a service dog, it absolutely isn't.

The discussion your husband needs to be having is regarding care of his dd, and if he needs to be doing more to support in the week.

potatowhale · 12/04/2023 23:12

If that dog ends up in your house I think you need to LTB

Aweebitpainful · 12/04/2023 23:16

I have a dog. I love dogs. I don't force my dog on anyone... ever. Even if they aren't allergic. Big fat NO!

Laurdo · 13/04/2023 06:57

When I met my DH he had a dog that he shared with his ex. The dog went back and forth with the kids, week on week off. I'm allergic to dogs and just don't particularly like them but the dog was there before me so I accepted that it was there to stay and I'd just have to take antihistamines. Not ideal but I had the option not to get involved with a man with a dog.

DH found out his ex had been using a shock collar on the dog. He confronted her about it and told her it was cruel but she refused to stop using it. The dog was getting increasingly aggressive. It would sense when it was going back and hide under the bed. DH told his ex that he wouldn't be returning the dog to her as he believed she was mistreating it. Something he discussed with me first. Although not delighted with the idea of a full time dog I couldn't bare the thought of it being mistreated.

In retaliation, she witheld access to his 3yo DD for 2 months until he returned the dog and a load of other demands regarding their custody schedule. Lawyers were hopeless and they ended up in mediation. The mediator actually said it was not good for dogs to live between 2 houses and it needed to remain at one house. He had to eventually let her have the dog because she was not budging on it and was not allowing him access to DD unless he agreed.

She didn't even like the dog, just didn't want him to have it. DSS was 14 at the time and was so angry that the dog was going to live with his mum as he could see how much better it was cared for with us. He even said she doesn't even like the dog and she'd probably get rid of it in a few months.

At the time she was living with her cousin who would care for the dog, walk him etc. A couple of months ago she moved into her own house and suddenly couldn't look after the dog and was re-homing him 18 months after holding her DD to ransome over it.

She asked DH if he wanted the dog but he said no. He said he couldn't put me through that again, having to take antihistamines every day and as I now WFH I would be left with a dog I don't like all day. He tried to re-home it with another family member as the kids were heart-broken she was getting rid of him. Thankfully the cousin she lived with previously agreed to take him.

Aside from being allergic, we were also tied to the house when we had the dog. He was walked 2-3 times everyday. We managed one overnight for my birthday but had to give friends keys to go in a night a let the dog out then leave our hotel first thing in the morning. It's a huge commitment and one that shouldn't be taken lightly never mind being forced upon you.

As guilty as I felt about us not taking the dog I was extremely relieved that DH had put me first without even asking me.

SquidwardBound · 13/04/2023 08:12

Even if it is somehow a real support dog, it’s still not ok for the ex to unilaterally decide the DD is getting one. It affects two households, one containing people with allergies, so it’s simply not ok for the ex to decree that everyone has to have a dog in their house.

Dollyparton3 · 13/04/2023 08:19

I've read some cheeky fuckery on here OP but this takes the biscuit.

"No" is a complete sentence here, good luck with your DH having the chat and poor, poor puppy.

determinedtomakethiswork · 13/04/2023 08:40

His ex can't suddenly decide that a dog is coming to stay with you. She bought the dog and she needs to take full responsibility for it.

opalescent · 13/04/2023 08:49

ScrollingLeaves · 12/04/2023 20:30

Tell her you won’t be taking in the dog and if she dumps the dog on you, you’ll call the dog warden and say you found it as a stray because presumably the chip is registered to her address. It’ll cost her £200 to pick it up. She won’t do it again.

What a nasty, vicious piece of advice.

I actually don't see why this is nasty at all?

Dumping a dog on people who don't want one, have not agreed to having one, and are actually allergic- is madness. (And I adore dogs!)

opalescent · 13/04/2023 08:50

Dollyparton3 · 13/04/2023 08:19

I've read some cheeky fuckery on here OP but this takes the biscuit.

"No" is a complete sentence here, good luck with your DH having the chat and poor, poor puppy.

Agree. Don't even entertain discussions. It's not happening.

MzHz · 13/04/2023 08:59

100% @DHsPoorBack

weve had similar versions of this in that my OH has the agreement that school related expenses he covers. Cue demands from his dd for £300+ headphones with a “it’s for my music GCSE. He swatted that. got some great headphones from Amazon.

Next came the demand for a laptop for university. Dd had not even sat her GCSEs…

Suggested that it’d be better to upgrade cards in existing for now etc etc… turns out her dm had already bought it and wanted him to pay for it. Nah love, that’s on you.

@Itsnotmypuppy yanbu. You do have to be firm here and given the allergies this puppy needs to stay at its main home. Or you dh makes arrangements to go see his dd at her home. Decisions have consequences and buying a dog is SUCH an enormous responsibility it can’t be an isolated decision.

vivainsomnia · 13/04/2023 11:12

I suspect your OH might very well be lying to you and that he knew very well what the money was for and agreed to have the dog eow and maybe even look forward to it himself. Thought you'd be ok with it once seeing puppy and agreeing to take anti histamines. It backfired when you made it clear it wasn't ok and now hoping to convince ex of another arrangement with more lies, that he didn't know you and ds were allergic ...