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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

If we paid towards SD puppy is it partly ours???

171 replies

Itsnotmypuppy · 12/04/2023 18:34

Dh sees his dd every other weekend. Pays maintenance but extra as and when.

Recently was SD birthday and we got her the things she asked for but then her mum asked Dh for some extra money as she wanted to get her something and couldn’t afford it. Fine , Dh transferred the money and we didn’t think much more of it as usual.

Turns out she was getting SD a puppy, SD has ASD and apparently this will help.

The problem is , I’m allergic to dogs and so is my ds, I also dislike the smell and have a bit of a phobia of dogs if I’m honest.

Apparently the puppy is coming with SD every other weekend ??? It’s a ‘support dog’ suddenly. I’ve told dh no absolutely not , SD mum is saying we are partly responsible as we paid towards the dog so it’s ours as well???
She has form for dropping off on the doorstep and leaving then telling SD to knock so weve had to have her on unplanned days on multiple occasions as she won’t pre plan extra days and she has said she will do the same but with the puppy as well ? I told dh if that happens he will need to explain to SD the puppy can’t come in and he will have to source dog care or kennels. He told me to just buy some allergy medication for me and ds.

SD mum is saying it’s our responsibility too as it’s basically a treatment for SD so we can’t say no!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Original poster

Itsnotmypuppy · 12/04/2023 19:28

viques · 12/04/2023 19:15

If he starts offering to pay out for the puppy you know the demands will never stop don’t you? Does the ex work? What is she proposing happens to the dog while she is at work and the child at school?

Show quote history

Yes I’m aware of this but I have to keep in mind that SD has significant needs and if her mum ‘wins’ this one we may have to just suck it up for SD benefit. We have spoken (I’ve shown dh this thread) and he says he won’t expect us to take antihistamines and he won’t have the puppy in the house but now it’s done (and by all accounts SD is in love) he’s going to try to be assertive about the puppy coming here but to help facilitate something that makes SD happy with boundaries in place

OP posts:

WhenisitmyturntobePM · 12/04/2023 19:29

I absolutely adore dogs but this is ridiculous. Tell her if she drops it off you will surrender it to a dog shelter, where it will stand a good chance of getting an owner who is actually responsible.

Original poster

Itsnotmypuppy · 12/04/2023 19:29

Yes his ex works full time . I think that’s why she wants her child free weekend to be dog free as well but it’s not going to be that way !

OP posts:

Bellaboo01 · 12/04/2023 19:29

Itsnotmypuppy · 12/04/2023 18:58

She said she wanted to do something special as it was SD 13th so we actually assumed it was a party or day out with friends and extra gifts . We don’t really ask . It was £600

Show quote history

That is lovely that she wanted to do something specia.... but......surely £600 as an 'extra prezzie' is a lot.

I would also be very concerned about the puppy you are getting. Where is it from?

FfoxRedN · 12/04/2023 19:30

Lovingitallnow · 12/04/2023 18:55

If you own over half then presumably you're within your rights to sell/rehome it. I'd remind her of this. She's taking the piss. 100% she just doesn't want to responsible for the dog when her daughter isn't there.

This is exactly what I was thinking!

Original poster

Itsnotmypuppy · 12/04/2023 19:30

WhenisitmyturntobePM · 12/04/2023 19:29

I absolutely adore dogs but this is ridiculous. Tell her if she drops it off you will surrender it to a dog shelter, where it will stand a good chance of getting an owner who is actually responsible.

Dh is going early on Friday to speak to her first and let her know exactly what the plan is

OP posts:

Original poster

Itsnotmypuppy · 12/04/2023 19:31

Bellaboo01 · 12/04/2023 19:29

That is lovely that she wanted to do something specia.... but......surely £600 as an 'extra prezzie' is a lot.

I would also be very concerned about the puppy you are getting. Where is it from?

Show quote history

We are going to hopefully try to get more details on Friday

OP posts:

Original poster

Itsnotmypuppy · 12/04/2023 19:32

Bellaboo01 · 12/04/2023 19:29

That is lovely that she wanted to do something specia.... but......surely £600 as an 'extra prezzie' is a lot.

I would also be very concerned about the puppy you are getting. Where is it from?

Show quote history

We just assumed party/ day out/ meal out etc and extra bits as SD mum had kept on about a 13th being special

OP posts:

CommanderSeven · 12/04/2023 19:32

It can't be a support dog if it's a puppy. They have to be trained. There's a whole process to go through and training doesn't finish until after puppyhood.

Then dogs have to matched with owners. Buying a puppy doesn't count as a support dog.

FfoxRedN · 12/04/2023 19:34

Itsnotmypuppy · 12/04/2023 19:11

Dh has said he will collect SD on Friday instead of her being dropped off as he wants to talk to his ex. He seems to understand now that we can’t just be expected to take antihistamines all the time. He is thinking of putting forward the idea of offering to pay for training classes and a dog sitter if that’s what it takes to support this for SD but to not impact on us

Is this serious too?! Why would you pay extra for the dog that you've already over contributed for? The mother needs to takes some responsibility for her reckless purchase. Your DH does not need to bail her out of this in any sense?!

Original poster

Itsnotmypuppy · 12/04/2023 19:34

CommanderSeven · 12/04/2023 19:32

It can't be a support dog if it's a puppy. They have to be trained. There's a whole process to go through and training doesn't finish until after puppyhood.

Then dogs have to matched with owners. Buying a puppy doesn't count as a support dog.

This is exactly what i said to dh. She’s just panicked and said it’s a support dog to try and force the issue but it’s not going to work

OP posts:

xbp · 12/04/2023 19:34

potatowhale · 12/04/2023 19:04

Your partner needs to really stop just doing whatever she says

Show quote history

Why on earth, though? £600 isn't a lot for some people, and if OP's H has that financial ability, it's good that he's willing to provide for his own children. I really hate the common scenario where high-earning men are living it up with their new wives and new children, but their pockets suddenly shrink mightily when it comes to their own children and ex-wife.

I do agree though that the H needs to stand up to his ex's behaviour like leaving the child (and potentially puppy) at their doorstep, that's not on at all.

BlackFriday · 12/04/2023 19:34

Hang on, she works full-time but has now got a puppy?
It can't be left home alone all day!
It REALLY fucking annoys me how little thought some people put into getting a dog. This whole set-up is not going to work at all.

CheekyHobson · 12/04/2023 19:35

No way would I be handing over "extra" money without finding out what these extra costs are for, as standard.

Yup, this ludicrous dog situation would mean I implemented some hard consequences around requests for extra money for the foreseeable future.

I think it's so insane that she's asked for a massive chunk of money and then manipulated the fact that it was given no questions asked into trying to force a dog into your home.

I would not be paying out a cent for extras in future unless I knew what they were, and if she complained I would remind her why it's become necessary.

viques · 12/04/2023 19:35

Itsnotmypuppy · 12/04/2023 19:29

Yes his ex works full time . I think that’s why she wants her child free weekend to be dog free as well but it’s not going to be that way !

So where will the puppy go while she is working? Can’t be left on its own, puppy day care will require full vaccination, dog walkers won’t take a puppy that young.

I know it’s not your issue, but she (ex) clearly hasn’t thought this through, I assume the child has so far managed to cope at school without a support dog, and of course she loves it, it’s the school holidays and a puppy is adorable and doesn’t need walking three times a day at the moment!

Gondala · 12/04/2023 19:35

Tell her you've decided to rehome your half of the dog. How unsettling for a puppy being passed from pillar to post. The ex sounds very selfish.

Original poster

Itsnotmypuppy · 12/04/2023 19:36

FfoxRedN · 12/04/2023 19:34

Show quote history

You’re right but SD has very significant needs and we have to tread carefully - none of this is her fault and although ex has been very very irresponsible we are the opposite so need to take steps to rescue the situation to not impact on SD or our circumstances

OP posts:

wetotter · 12/04/2023 19:39

It's a puppy.

That means not yet reliably house trained, likely to chew stuff etc and I'm ready to bet that your house isn't puppy proof. On top of this it's not yours (puppies should be sold by contract, and you were not party to the transaction). As you don't want a dog in the house, you definitely don't want a puppy!

You absolutely need to hold firm, and say the puppy cannot enter your house, that you are not responsible for arranging dog-sitting, paying vets bills, coughing up for neutering or insurance, or anything. It was her choice to get a puppy and she has to live up to the responsibilities which flow from that choice.

Lastnamedidntstick · 12/04/2023 19:39

BlackFriday · 12/04/2023 19:34

Tbf she may have a partner that can look after the puppy in the day.

that or she knows o/p works from home…..

Original poster

Itsnotmypuppy · 12/04/2023 19:39

viques · 12/04/2023 19:35

So where will the puppy go while she is working? Can’t be left on its own, puppy day care will require full vaccination, dog walkers won’t take a puppy that young.

Show quote history

She has a partner and her family nearby who can help and it’s going to be her responsibility when she’s at work. We just need to sort something out so we don’t have SD and a puppy dumped on our doorstep every other weekend ! I can’t have SD upset and I can’t have me and DS ill and I can’t punish a poor puppy who didn’t ask to be dragged into such a mess. Dh says he’s going to deal with it on Friday so I’ll have to trust him he said he 100% will not give in to the puppy coming here and they will sort something out so to leave it to him so I guess I have to trust him 🤞

OP posts:

FfoxRedN · 12/04/2023 19:40

@Itsnotmypuppy I totally understand the responsibility to now not affect DSD, but offering up the 'solutions' for his ex is not going to help you with boundaries in the future. She's already a CF and this just helps her along her merry way manipulating the situation. I'd just make sure you're both clear on what's reasonable and what is going to be taking it too far for a dog you never wanted or knew about. You've years of a dogs life if you overcommit now xx

Original poster

Itsnotmypuppy · 12/04/2023 19:40

She actually has her sister who lives very nearby to her (but I know she has a tiny flat so not ideal but then again not really my problem !)

OP posts:

Revengeofthepangolins · 12/04/2023 19:42

Don't get into discussions about anti histamines. One can take them all the time but if you are significantly allergic to dogs it won't sort the problem. And there will be no escape - the allergens will build up in your house. It could be extremely unpleasant for both of you

HunterHearstHelmsley · 12/04/2023 19:44

Nope! This is not the same as taking an antihistamine to visit the home of someone with a dog.

Yes, it's your DSD's home but it's also your DS's home and it's outrageous that anyone would think it acceptable he and you have to take antihistamines constantly for a pet.

I'm not a dog person, but I have four cats. I would never expect this from anybody. I won't kick my cats out for visitors because it's their home. Your home is not the dog's home. The dog's home is with DSD's mother, if she expected you to care for it part of the time then this should have been discussed prior to purchase.

I wouldn't be paying for kennels or training at all. This isn't your problem to solve.

TheMarsian · 12/04/2023 19:44

MintJulia · 12/04/2023 18:37

Well, your DH needs to put his DD first for those weekends, so I guess he could take them to stay with a grandparent, or rent an Airbnb, or spend the weekend at his ex's house.

There will be a solution somehow.

Rent an AirB&B every other week-end for the following what? 10 years?
And fur all the hols he will have his dd too,

Do you REALLY think that a reasonable solution?
And thats Wo talking about the fact that this child will never be ‘at home’, see her sibling etc….

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