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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Dating a man with 6 yo daughter… advice

291 replies

Flutterbye22 · 10/04/2023 15:32

Hi!

I am new here.

I am a 32-year old woman and I’ve been dating my current partner (aged 41) since Sept last year. He has a 6 yo daughter. For a couple of years it was just him and her - he shares 50% custody with his ex wife.

the reason I’m here (have been lurking the step parenting forum) is I’m new to this step parenting role. I met his daughter for the first time 2 weeks ago. I’ve seen her a few times, and we have been on day trips etc. I’m concerned at my partner’s lack of boundaries with her. He’s very soft with her and can never seem to say no, she’s very demanding. She’s an only child.

I want my own child and he wants more kids, but I’m terrified of this dynamic they have. I feel pushed out and really deprioritised. I’m ok with her coming first but he treats her like he’s everything and I’m wondering where I fit in. His daughter and I get on well, she seems to really love me (which is greeat) no qualms about her and me - more my partner and his parenting. She regularly has tantrums and is super demanding of his attention.

help - any advice? Not sure whether to continue this relationship on top of all the usual difficulties of dating someone with a child :(

OP posts:
thestepmumspacepodcast · 11/04/2023 15:59

Laurdo · 11/04/2023 15:53

It's a wonderful podcast. Very raw and honest accounts of what step-parenting can be like.

Show quote history

Ahhh, thank you Laurdo

Invadersmustdie · 11/04/2023 16:10

You will need to compromise in any future relationship but the thing is, your partner will too. In this relationship it would have being you doing all the compromising and thats never healthy. I know you liked the guy but take it from these lovely posters who have been around the block, you have so much to offer someone, this guy isn't worthy of you.

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 11/04/2023 16:11

Invadersmustdie · 11/04/2023 16:10

You will need to compromise in any future relationship but the thing is, your partner will too. In this relationship it would have being you doing all the compromising and thats never healthy. I know you liked the guy but take it from these lovely posters who have been around the block, you have so much to offer someone, this guy isn't worthy of you.

Thank you - I think you (and everyone else here) are right. I am cutting my losses with him!!!

OP posts:
SquidwardBound · 11/04/2023 16:16

Compromise is normal. But a relationship where you have to be a doormat who always gives way to the point that you’re not allowed any boundaries (because he has a child!) is not compromise. It’s more like some sort of indentured labour or coercive control. Even more so when emotional manipulation is deployed to keep you in your place.

Compromise should always be a two way thing. But where you are both still able to maintain your own, perfectly healthy, boundaries.

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 11/04/2023 16:23

SquidwardBound · 11/04/2023 16:16

Compromise is normal. But a relationship where you have to be a doormat who always gives way to the point that you’re not allowed any boundaries (because he has a child!) is not compromise. It’s more like some sort of indentured labour or coercive control. Even more so when emotional manipulation is deployed to keep you in your place.

Compromise should always be a two way thing. But where you are both still able to maintain your own, perfectly healthy, boundaries.

You worded it very well...

The problem I faced with him (and seemingly some other MN posters on here) is that I don't seem to qualify for any of my own wants or needs, because there is a little girl involved. This was how he deployed the emotional manipulation in my opinion looking back, and it was very subtly interwoven into the dynamic between us.

There's a really unhealthy expectation that partners to those with children should just fall into line, but I disagree.

If I had my own child and I was dating a man, I'd be mortified if they were climbing all over him and trying to scroll through his Apple watch to look at his pictures. That wouldn't be behaviour i'd like to endorse. Also, if I was picking up that they were being too demanding of him, again, i'd very gently mention something to my children or try to dissuade them from doing so. This can all be achieved in a perfectly sensitive and kind way that is not dismissive of said child. But his attitude was always 'she's just a little girl, she's not doing anything wrong, she's no harm, she's the perfect princess' yadda yadda.

Any then I am made to feel like a selfish, evil witch. Which is absolutely not the case at all.

I imagine this happens to a lot of women and/or men in the same or similar position.

OP posts:
Invadersmustdie · 11/04/2023 16:26

Good luck even though you won't need it at all! At his age he should have his shit together and if you stayed you would end up subsidising him and therefore his ex. Can you imagine?

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 11/04/2023 16:32

Invadersmustdie · 11/04/2023 16:26

Good luck even though you won't need it at all! At his age he should have his shit together and if you stayed you would end up subsidising him and therefore his ex. Can you imagine?

Trust me - I've imagined... used to keep me up at night...

OP posts:
JenniferBooth · 11/04/2023 16:52

@Flutterbye22 that is why i would never date a man with kids

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 11/04/2023 17:08

JenniferBooth · 11/04/2023 16:52

@Flutterbye22 that is why i would never date a man with kids

I absolutely never will again from this experience.

OP posts:
N0T · 11/04/2023 17:36

Just delurking to say well done @Flutterbye22 for being so decisive . From the outside it’s clear that he was using you - for your income and your savings and potential to buy your own place.

Just as he is using his father for a place to live and his ex to do all the hard work of parenting while he has all the fun stuff.

But he also exploited your kind nature and willingness to put his convenience above your own wishes. He wants a woman to help him parent his child - he’s not willing to do it alone even though he has his DD for only a small part of the time.

I’m afraid this is a very common dynamic amongst divorced dads - I’m someone who fell for it and lived to regret it . TBH Being a step mother is pretty shit most of the time . You are just an unpaid nanny / housekeeper who works 7 days a week and even has to spend half her annual leave at work . And if you dare to complain you are told you are selfish and should have known what it would be like when you married a man with kids.

Im glad to hear that you are now looking for a single man without kids and with similar career prospects/ income/ education to your own. At your age this is a very sensible plan and I wish you well.

Daleksatemyshed · 11/04/2023 19:03

I'm glad you saw the light Op and left him, the more you post the worse he sounds. I bet his face was a picture when you said you didn't want to see him anymore. And while I'm here, @SquidwardBound , you must have the patience of a saint - why on earth haven't you divorced him?

SquidwardBound · 11/04/2023 19:20

Daleksatemyshed · 11/04/2023 19:03

I'm glad you saw the light Op and left him, the more you post the worse he sounds. I bet his face was a picture when you said you didn't want to see him anymore. And while I'm here, @SquidwardBound , you must have the patience of a saint - why on earth haven't you divorced him?

Well, as you can imagine, the divorce is in progress.

Daleksatemyshed · 11/04/2023 19:28

@SquidwardBound I am so pleased to read that, it all sounded shit and I thought as you lived seperately maybe that was your way of coping. Why does he think you should take him and his DC to the cinema if you're seperated? What is it with these men 🙄

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 11/04/2023 19:31

Guys, where do I find out what these acronyms means?! 😫🤯

OP posts:
SquidwardBound · 11/04/2023 19:41

Daleksatemyshed · 11/04/2023 19:28

@SquidwardBound I am so pleased to read that, it all sounded shit and I thought as you lived seperately maybe that was your way of coping. Why does he think you should take him and his DC to the cinema if you're seperated? What is it with these men 🙄

Well we were supposedly trying to make it work living separately. But, frankly, that doesn’t fix the fundamental problem of him being possibly the most self centred man in the entire universe.

I have been trying to mitigate some of the problems for our DS by being nice and amicable while setting clear boundaries that his other children are not my responsibility. They’re his. I am not his bloody nanny.

But he simply cannot accept that his older children are not my responsibility. It seems that a relationship with me, and family life with his youngest, is not really important. He has genuinely said that there’s no point in a relationship if I won’t provide him with childcare.

Still, the comment about the cinema was ridiculous. Why should our DS’s life be organised around his father’s other children? Why shouldn’t I see the super Mario bros is on at the cinema and decide that would be a nice thing to do with my DS? Are we supposed to sit in suspended animation until the important children can be centred in the activity?

I do mean the Important Children too. One of several things H has said to me is that our DS matters less because there’s only one of him, but he had two children with his ex. He literally told me they’re more important than DS. But he’s also told me many times that his older children are awful and just a responsibility he has to see through. I have WhatsApp messages where he says things like ‘like hell do I want them. They’re just something I have to get through’. And still our DS is less important than that.

Yes, since you’re thinking it too: narcissism is my working theory for what is going on with him.

SquidwardBound · 11/04/2023 19:43

Flutterbye22 · 11/04/2023 19:31

Guys, where do I find out what these acronyms means?! 😫🤯

D is dear. it’s very twee really.

DH - husband
DW - wife
DC - child(ren)
DS - son
DD - daughter

and so on. There’s a list somewhere in
the FAQ section.

LBFseBrom · 11/04/2023 19:46

I'm so glad you have ended the relationship and didn't get in any deeper.

You have done the right thing. It will be a wake up call for the man too (hopefully).

Onwards and upwards!

JenniferBooth · 11/04/2023 19:52

Jesus @SquidwardBound what a fucking bellend

sladys · 11/04/2023 19:52

Flutterbye22 · 10/04/2023 15:48

Thank you - super helpful response.

im willing to give it a little longer I think and see but I will need to draw a line at some point if I don’t think this can work long term.

ive already opened up the parenting styles discussion. His parents divorced when he was very young and argued a lot. He has a lot of guilt about his family separating. He’s 100% over compensating and motivated by guilt. My problem is I’m not feeling important to him. He does not want to move more than half an hour from his daughter’s school, yet I would be willing to move 1.5 hours and away from my family (for the right person).

he says he would like to have a family with me if we were to work out and move into our own place together - guess I’m concerned about the dynamics

I don't think many decent, hands on parents would move more than 30 mins from their DC's school. Doing so would mean they could only see them at weekends and holidays

Daleksatemyshed · 11/04/2023 19:55

I'm sorry @SquidwardBound but some of your post was so outrageous it made me laugh - the bit about what was the point of being with you if you don't provide the childcare - that is just so fabulously, wonderfully self obsessed of him. The spending money like water on his other DC but disliking them, the total disregard for you and your DS- I think Narc may be just the word for him.

Keepthetowel · 11/04/2023 19:57

Don’t date a man with kids

TriangleBingoBongo · 11/04/2023 20:06

Keepthetowel · 11/04/2023 19:57

Don’t date a man with kids

Well done for coming in at the end with that helpful addition. 👏🏻

TriangleBingoBongo · 11/04/2023 20:07

I’m glad someone else said it “I want a family unit” generally translates to “I want someone to help work the drudgery of parenting, it’s actually pretty mundane and I’d like someone to suffer that with me, alleviating my own boredom and providing some childcare”

MeridianB · 11/04/2023 20:09

Gosh @SquidwardBound, I’d be thinking less about divorce and more about a semi-automatic weapon 😡

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 11/04/2023 20:28

TriangleBingoBongo · 11/04/2023 20:07

I’m glad someone else said it “I want a family unit” generally translates to “I want someone to help work the drudgery of parenting, it’s actually pretty mundane and I’d like someone to suffer that with me, alleviating my own boredom and providing some childcare”

See I wish he was that honest. I told him I was bored and annoyed with his daughter at two points over the Easter weekend, and he went ballistic. He seems to think it should be sunshine and rainbows all the time, but I’m a bit more realistic about how family life can sometimes be!

OP posts: