Dating a man with 6 yo daughter… advice

[Flutterbye22]

Hi!

I am new here.

I am a 32-year old woman and I’ve been dating my current partner (aged 41) since Sept last year. He has a 6 yo daughter. For a couple of years it was just him and her - he shares 50% custody with his ex wife.

the reason I’m here (have been lurking the step parenting forum) is I’m new to this step parenting role. I met his daughter for the first time 2 weeks ago. I’ve seen her a few times, and we have been on day trips etc. I’m concerned at my partner’s lack of boundaries with her. He’s very soft with her and can never seem to say no, she’s very demanding. She’s an only child.

I want my own child and he wants more kids, but I’m terrified of this dynamic they have. I feel pushed out and really deprioritised. I’m ok with her coming first but he treats her like he’s everything and I’m wondering where I fit in. His daughter and I get on well, she seems to really love me (which is greeat) no qualms about her and me - more my partner and his parenting. She regularly has tantrums and is super demanding of his attention.

help - any advice? Not sure whether to continue this relationship on top of all the usual difficulties of dating someone with a child :(

Thank you @PelvicFlora very kind and I appreciate the advice x

I think it's her dad's responsibility to manage any feelings she may have and I personally think you shouldn't feel bad at all. He cannot use the introduction of his child as some sort of NO-YOU-CAN-NEVER-LEAVE guilt guarantee. Doesn't work like that.

She's 7. She won't remember you in a week. Don't worry.

It’s manipulative. Obviously.

His daughter has probably met lots of his friends and acquaintances once or twice and never again. That’s normal. Completely standard.

But he wants you to feel bad and, therefore, do what he wants because his daughter will ‘fall in love with you’. It’s
a big waving red flag.

Don't feel any guilt whatsoever. You've met her twice she will get over it.

Kids meet random friends and acquaintances all the time. She’s 6 she will unlikely have even registered!

Massive red flag. His daughter is his responsibility. You've met her twice and owe her absolutely nothing.

I imagine he's pulling out the big emotional blackmail guns because he senses you're serious about leaving g and he can see his meal ticket, nanny, pot-washer and parental guilt repository slipping out of his grasp.

You've dodged a rather large bullet... keep it that way.

You're free to find someone who will treat you as you deserve/want to be treated.

Don't look back! X

The way he's reacted just confirms that you've done the right thing.

He’s unbelievable. What a manipulative twat. He’s just livid he’s lost his income stream.

@SquidwardBound I can’t believe your H. He pays nothing for his younger children? Spanks the lot (and it is a lot) on his older kids and himself, and still feels sorry for himself? What a total disaster and failure he is. I’m really sorry you have to deal with his shit.

Thank you everyone for your responses!

@Fantasmagoricalan he tries to paint me as somehow obstructing him with DS. I’m not. He utterly refuses to accept that his contribution of less than 1/2 the nursery fees (let’s face it, he’s benefitting from the ability to work in his Very Important Job too) is meagre. The man has never bought his toddler a single item of clothing.

The fact he (and his ex) are bringing their kids up to measure love in the stuff they get is really depressing. But his general
attitude really stinks.

The worst thing is that it’s not some
peter Andre style ‘my (older) kids are my world’ thing. He doesn’t even particularly like his kids or enjoy spending with them. His main consideration is his image as the poor, beleaguered father just trying to do the right thing.

For example, I think he took his kids to stay a MIL’s for Easter. He wasn’t spending Easter Sunday with them though because it turns out that he spent most of the day going to the gym and looking at how ‘poor’ he is on a spreadsheet. It’s not that super dad wanted to spend Easter with his kids; he just wants to not have to pay too much maintenance (hence getting his mum to have his kids) and still he perceived as super dad.

Hilariously, he was annoyed at me because DS told him he’d been to the cinema (in the unclear way toddlers tell you things). I took him for the first time on Saturday. H’s response was ‘why didn’t you invite us?; that’s something we could all have done’. His first response was that his older children might have missed out because I took my child to the cinema. While he was away taking them to visit their grandmother - where the entire family will have treated them like the second coming. I’m pretty sure he took them to a theme park on the way too.

I could produce examples all day long of this kind of crap. I think it’s clear why I set my boundaries and said I was no longer willing to live with this crap. The idiot doesn’t seem to realise that my patience in trying to be amicable and do things with him sometimes for DS’s sake is worn extremely thin. He actually thinks I’m supposed to feel sorry for him. 🤯

Being a parent with no boundaries and a doormat for his ex are bad enough. But he has no home! And no chance of getting one any time soon. Yet you've been talking about having children together six months in.

Of course he expects you to cut mat leave short and go back to work full time, because he doesn't plan on supporting your joint child, or providing a home for you all. And that's before you are faced with the challenges of blending.

He has very clearly 'shown you who he is'.

Being step parent is not an easy option, but it can work with the right person. He is not the right person.

Bless you OP shes 6 years old, truthfully she will be fine. Its just more of the standard script these men tend to stick to. Believe it or not, he will more than likely end up with a poor woman who ignores all the red flags, takes everything on then ends up hating him in 5 years time when she has had her own baby. He still won't learn.
@SquidwardBound I hope you are ok I couldn't bear to look at him. Sounds like a prize prick.

Ah thank you - you and everyone else are right. To think of it, he reeeeeallllly guilt tripped me you know.

He’d never be able to provide for us. He’s on £25k - he was paying his ex wife double the expected CMA as well. On top of that paying for school uniform and swimming & exercise classes. I was the one who pointed out to him that he was being taken for a mug. I think he needs a reality check. It’s not ok that he’s sponging off of his Dad.

i was in a 14 year relationship prior to him and we had our own house. We sold it and I put half the equity into savings. I’m looking for someone who can contribute more to the pot. I’d basically be housing him and his daughter and I’d have little left for any child I’d want to have and I’d have to work all hours under the sun.

Do you have low esteem? Unclear why you are dating unsuitable men just because you want to have kids.

It’s clear from how he’s acted that he very much valued your good salary and nice house deposit. Isn’t it?

I think so.

I also think he was coasting. He would often say to me that should his mother or father pass away, he’d be very comfortable. Awful.

he just had zero motivation for leaving his Dad’s place. I find it very bizarre. That was the only reason he was able to do a career change. Most people his age and with dependents wouldn’t have the luxury of doing so!

Possibly :-( !!!

This is also how they get us…

Yes. You’re right. They are good at making it seem like they’re the good guys.

Absolutely!!!

@EllandRd Really? So how does that work when the kid is going into the OPS handbag for her phone. If its nothing to do with the OP then that works both ways Her handbag and phone is nothing to do with the kid

I bet you are one of those parents who let their kids run around in Costa when hot drinks are being served.

Using his kid as an emotional blackmail tool Disgusting.

Yet he said I was not as nice a person as I think I am…. On reflection, I really tried with him and his daughter. I’m just not cut out for the dynamic, and that’s ok. He needn’t emotionally blackmail me for it.

he either did that on purpose or he was weak/anxious/insecure - I got the impression he was petrified of impacting his daughter due to his rough childhood!

That’s projection on his part. He’s not as good a person as he wants you to think he is.

It’s perfectly reasonable to end a relationship that won’t work for you.