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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Dating a man with 6 yo daughter… advice

291 replies

Flutterbye22 · 10/04/2023 15:32

Hi!

I am new here.

I am a 32-year old woman and I’ve been dating my current partner (aged 41) since Sept last year. He has a 6 yo daughter. For a couple of years it was just him and her - he shares 50% custody with his ex wife.

the reason I’m here (have been lurking the step parenting forum) is I’m new to this step parenting role. I met his daughter for the first time 2 weeks ago. I’ve seen her a few times, and we have been on day trips etc. I’m concerned at my partner’s lack of boundaries with her. He’s very soft with her and can never seem to say no, she’s very demanding. She’s an only child.

I want my own child and he wants more kids, but I’m terrified of this dynamic they have. I feel pushed out and really deprioritised. I’m ok with her coming first but he treats her like he’s everything and I’m wondering where I fit in. His daughter and I get on well, she seems to really love me (which is greeat) no qualms about her and me - more my partner and his parenting. She regularly has tantrums and is super demanding of his attention.

help - any advice? Not sure whether to continue this relationship on top of all the usual difficulties of dating someone with a child :(

OP posts:
TriangleBingoBongo · 11/04/2023 20:35

Flutterbye22 · 11/04/2023 20:28

See I wish he was that honest. I told him I was bored and annoyed with his daughter at two points over the Easter weekend, and he went ballistic. He seems to think it should be sunshine and rainbows all the time, but I’m a bit more realistic about how family life can sometimes be!

Show quote history

It’s funny as I can say my own kids have been a nightmare and I’ve had a difficult day, but when I said that DSS had been a nightmare (he really, really had, his behaviour was disgusting, honestly) my dh said “you can’t say that, I never feel like that” turns out he does and did, he just couldn’t bring himself to admit it.

JenniferBooth · 11/04/2023 20:43

@Flutterbye22 if he can fly off the handle that easily there is NO WAY in hell that he was patient with his ex when she had PND. I bet i can guess the type of shit he said to her.

Fantasmagoricalan · 11/04/2023 20:48

SquidwardBound · 11/04/2023 19:20

Well, as you can imagine, the divorce is in progress.

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Oh thank fuck, I was worried you were living with it, albeit in separate houses.

Fantasmagoricalan · 11/04/2023 21:01

Your soon to be ex husband is off-the-scale insane and awful @SquidwardBound. Ugh. He is just hateful. I hate him. I hope bad things befall him. And I hope you and your son had fun at the movies and ate a ton of popcorn.

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 11/04/2023 21:43

JenniferBooth · 11/04/2023 20:43

@Flutterbye22 if he can fly off the handle that easily there is NO WAY in hell that he was patient with his ex when she had PND. I bet i can guess the type of shit he said to her.

You’re so right. He also called me needy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 12/04/2023 08:06

@SquidwardBound I am so glad you are divorcing him. You deserve way better. Even being single would be better than having to put up with him!

OP posts:
SquidwardBound · 12/04/2023 08:08

Flutterbye22 · 12/04/2023 08:06

@SquidwardBound I am so glad you are divorcing him. You deserve way better. Even being single would be better than having to put up with him!

Most definitely. The man is a nightmare. And, obviously, at the extreme weirdo end of the nonresident father spectrum!

botleybump · 12/04/2023 09:33

I had a similar story!
32, met a man with a four year old son, quickly learned he was treated like a king, allowed to do what he wanted in the house and rarely told 'no'.

Early on I established my own boundaries with little one, by saying 'no' or letting him know I didn't like to be jumped on etc. he responded really well and we have an amazing relationship full of mutual respect, probably because I always explained 'why'.
As soon as the conversation of a new child came to the table, I was keen to understand how this would be different and make it clear I wanted boundaries etc in our home.

Turned out much of the behaviour with DSS was guilt led as the relationship had broken down when he was very young, and DH was keen to change it to.

We now have our own child, she's only 3 months so too young to tell, but her expectation and arrival has helped DH to be more motivated about difficult parenting and DSS has responded really well to him too!

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 12/04/2023 11:46

botleybump · 12/04/2023 09:33

I had a similar story!
32, met a man with a four year old son, quickly learned he was treated like a king, allowed to do what he wanted in the house and rarely told 'no'.

Early on I established my own boundaries with little one, by saying 'no' or letting him know I didn't like to be jumped on etc. he responded really well and we have an amazing relationship full of mutual respect, probably because I always explained 'why'.
As soon as the conversation of a new child came to the table, I was keen to understand how this would be different and make it clear I wanted boundaries etc in our home.

Turned out much of the behaviour with DSS was guilt led as the relationship had broken down when he was very young, and DH was keen to change it to.

We now have our own child, she's only 3 months so too young to tell, but her expectation and arrival has helped DH to be more motivated about difficult parenting and DSS has responded really well to him too!

That’s a great story, thank you so much for sharing!

I am so pleased for you that you’ve had a positive experience - well done for setting those boundaries, and I’m glad it led to some change in your partner too.

bravo

OP posts:
Screwballs · 12/04/2023 14:15

PelvicFlora · 10/04/2023 15:48

I was you. I stayed and had two children with him. It's taken almost 15 years of having my boundaries stomped all over and feeling like I was losing my mind at times for us to finally have got to a good place. And that's mainly only because DSC is off to university later this year.

My honest advice would be save yourself the mental anguish and utter frustration at having no say over your life and feeling like a second class citizen in your own home and just run for the hills. Find a man who has no kids and have your own family.

😬This

36, ten years in. Dynamic is better but boundaries not existent, and I am by no means a wallflower, I am just constantly out numbered. I still don't have my own child, we aren't even engaged, and his children, mother and ex seem to dominate my life. It's a good job I love this man.

I absolutely would not do it again. Run.

Anuta77 · 12/04/2023 15:32

Flutterbye22 · 11/04/2023 10:49

I’m really struggling with the guilt today of having met his daughter and not seeing her again. The guy I was dating kept saying I needed to make my mind up as she would fall in love with me. That feels like so much pressure put on me as someone he’s dating. What does everyone else think about this?

As some people said, not only she will not remember you very soon.
But if you stayed, just because she, as a little girl likes you now, doesnt mean that she will not change her attitude either if the mother starts manipulating or when she hits puberty or whenever the situation changes.
My SD passed from a very affectionate little girl to telling me that when her father leaves me she will forget me (at puberty) to being ok with me depending on her mood, now that shes a teenager. Even after years with her father, I doubt she will be heartbroken if she never sees me again. And we do have a good relationship.

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 12/04/2023 15:46

Anuta77 · 12/04/2023 15:32

As some people said, not only she will not remember you very soon.
But if you stayed, just because she, as a little girl likes you now, doesnt mean that she will not change her attitude either if the mother starts manipulating or when she hits puberty or whenever the situation changes.
My SD passed from a very affectionate little girl to telling me that when her father leaves me she will forget me (at puberty) to being ok with me depending on her mood, now that shes a teenager. Even after years with her father, I doubt she will be heartbroken if she never sees me again. And we do have a good relationship.

Show quote history

That’s really sad to hear 😔 I’m really sorry.

a part of me does wonder - is this just kids though? Are they not sometimes like this with their mother or father?

I do think it’s worse for step parents.

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 12/04/2023 15:56

Oh yes, kids can be like that. However, op, you haven't lived with your boyfriend and his daughter nor have you been in their lives that long. She likes you but she may well like other friends of her father so please don't worry about it. You've made the right decision, are wiser for it and can move on. Good luck!

Anuta77 · 12/04/2023 23:54

Flutterbye22 · 12/04/2023 15:46

That’s really sad to hear 😔 I’m really sorry.

a part of me does wonder - is this just kids though? Are they not sometimes like this with their mother or father?

I do think it’s worse for step parents.

Show quote history

Im not sad anymore as its a normal process. Our own kids are mean sometimes too, but with them, we know that they love us. As a SM, you never really know and theres loyalty for the mother who might not like you, but that was my situation. There are people for whom its different.
I do have a good relationship with my SD now that`s shes 16, I just visited her at the hospital, she was telling me about the homework she was doing there for school and you know, thats good enough for me. I have my own kids.
I was just telling you not to feel bad, she will be ok and you made the right decision based on the info you provided.

LBFseBrom · 13/04/2023 01:11

I just re-read the op's first post dated 10th April to refresh my memory and see that she said she only met the little girl a fortnight previously so there are hardly ties of time, she hasn't really been part of the child's life.

Apart from really liking the dad despite his shortcomings (and many of us have kissed a frog), I don't think it will be difficult to break away and move on.

I'm very glad you have got out of this relationship before getting in too deep, Flutterbye, and wish you well for the future. You are still young and will find somebody without dependent children who is far more suitable.

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 17/04/2023 01:48

All,
I was seeing this guy for 7/8 months. This weekend, we spoke. He told me everything he had hoped wouldn’t happen happened… I.e. him introducing me to his daughter and then me ending the relationship. He also said I am 42 this year, I spent 8 months seeing you. I wanted more kids, but realistically, that won’t happen now. I’m too old. I am really wounded by us and it’ll take me time to meet someone again. You however are 32 and will have no problem meeting someone new - you’ll be seeing someone new in a couple of months time.

made me feel awful :(

OP posts:
SquidwardBound · 17/04/2023 04:15

More manipulation. See that as further proof that you did the right thing.

LBFseBrom · 17/04/2023 04:27

Flutterbye, I was sad when I read your post but the man had no right to guilt trip you. In the scheme of things, your relationship was not long.. You met his daughter but there's no reason to think she formed an attachment to you, it's not like you were in her life every day for a long time. As for him wanting to marry and have more children, there's nothing to say he won't do that, 42 isn't old by today's standards, but surely that should not be the priority when divorced people start dating again; they must know that most relationships don't have longevity but can still be good while they last.

You are well out of it. Have a break and then start 'going out' again, trying to avoid men with young kids. They do exist!

Don't worry about him, he'll survive.

Back to the op, I hope all is well with you and you realise there is nothing for which you need to feel guilty, especially regarding a child with whom you only had a very brief acquaintance. He will find someone else eventually and as for you, the world awaits!

Invadersmustdie · 17/04/2023 07:28

So what do you think you should do OP? Get back with this loser and have a baby tor him? Why did you speak to him this weekend? You are of course free to get back with him but be warned, he hasn't changed, he's just seen how much you will tolerate. If they sense your desperation then you have no chance. Sorry for being harsh but that's the truth. It was 7/8 months. That is no time at all.

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 17/04/2023 08:55

LBFseBrom · 17/04/2023 04:27

Flutterbye, I was sad when I read your post but the man had no right to guilt trip you. In the scheme of things, your relationship was not long.. You met his daughter but there's no reason to think she formed an attachment to you, it's not like you were in her life every day for a long time. As for him wanting to marry and have more children, there's nothing to say he won't do that, 42 isn't old by today's standards, but surely that should not be the priority when divorced people start dating again; they must know that most relationships don't have longevity but can still be good while they last.

You are well out of it. Have a break and then start 'going out' again, trying to avoid men with young kids. They do exist!

Don't worry about him, he'll survive.

Back to the op, I hope all is well with you and you realise there is nothing for which you need to feel guilty, especially regarding a child with whom you only had a very brief acquaintance. He will find someone else eventually and as for you, the world awaits!

You are absolutely gorgeous, thank you so much for your kind reply! And you are absolutely right.

I feel a lot better reading all of your responses. I just get inside my head and really do start to feel like an awful person who is responsible for messing him and his daughter around?! But I guess that is the risk with all relationships

OP posts:
Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 17/04/2023 08:56

Invadersmustdie · 17/04/2023 07:28

So what do you think you should do OP? Get back with this loser and have a baby tor him? Why did you speak to him this weekend? You are of course free to get back with him but be warned, he hasn't changed, he's just seen how much you will tolerate. If they sense your desperation then you have no chance. Sorry for being harsh but that's the truth. It was 7/8 months. That is no time at all.

Needed to read it. Thanks for telling it to me straight @Invadersmustdie

must.move.on

OP posts:
DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 17/04/2023 09:26

You’re no more obliged to want his child in your life as a permanent fixture after meeting her twice than he would’ve been obliged to stay with you for the rest of his life after going on two dates with you. He should be having the highest respect for the fact you see his daughter as her own person not as an extension of him, and recognising this situation isn’t for you, not telling you how much you’ve wounded him! Basically he’s waving a big red flag saying “shit dad” and you’ve dodged a massive bullet.

PelvicFlora · 17/04/2023 10:35

He also said I am 42 this year, I spent 8 months seeing you. I wanted more kids, but realistically, that won’t happen now. I’m too old. I am really wounded by us and it’ll take me time to meet someone again

So what, though? How is any of that your problem?

You don't want to date a man with a young child who lives with his dad and is in a 'career transition'. What he wants is not your concern.

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 17/04/2023 11:28

PelvicFlora · 17/04/2023 10:35

He also said I am 42 this year, I spent 8 months seeing you. I wanted more kids, but realistically, that won’t happen now. I’m too old. I am really wounded by us and it’ll take me time to meet someone again

So what, though? How is any of that your problem?

You don't want to date a man with a young child who lives with his dad and is in a 'career transition'. What he wants is not your concern.

Very true, but he really pulled on my heart strings. I am a very empathic individual, so think that’s how he got me there. The guilt tripping was working, hence I am looking for other peoples opinions on here!

I guess what I’ve learnt is people get really shitty when they feel you’ve wasted their time. He was focusing more on this than the prospect of not having me in his life anymore!

OP posts:
Invadersmustdie · 17/04/2023 12:43

Flutterbye22 · 17/04/2023 08:56

Needed to read it. Thanks for telling it to me straight @Invadersmustdie

must.move.on

Show quote history

Sorry, I posted that then ran off! When I say desperation in your case I mean the need to people please and make things 'right again' You seem very kind and certain men, like this one, will know exactly what to say to pull on the old heart strings. IF you were to get back with him it would be a constant battle to maintain the smallest of boundaries. That's an exhausting way to live. No doubt, due to your niceness, he would walk all over you in no time. I would struggle and im am pretty assertive and too old to tolerate nonsense! These type of men are bloody good.