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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Dating a man with 6 yo daughter… advice

291 replies

Flutterbye22 · 10/04/2023 15:32

Hi!

I am new here.

I am a 32-year old woman and I’ve been dating my current partner (aged 41) since Sept last year. He has a 6 yo daughter. For a couple of years it was just him and her - he shares 50% custody with his ex wife.

the reason I’m here (have been lurking the step parenting forum) is I’m new to this step parenting role. I met his daughter for the first time 2 weeks ago. I’ve seen her a few times, and we have been on day trips etc. I’m concerned at my partner’s lack of boundaries with her. He’s very soft with her and can never seem to say no, she’s very demanding. She’s an only child.

I want my own child and he wants more kids, but I’m terrified of this dynamic they have. I feel pushed out and really deprioritised. I’m ok with her coming first but he treats her like he’s everything and I’m wondering where I fit in. His daughter and I get on well, she seems to really love me (which is greeat) no qualms about her and me - more my partner and his parenting. She regularly has tantrums and is super demanding of his attention.

help - any advice? Not sure whether to continue this relationship on top of all the usual difficulties of dating someone with a child :(

OP posts:
Manichean · 11/04/2023 13:39

He is angry because he has seen his meal-ticket walk away. You were supposed to house and pay for him and his child, plus any joint children and be nanny and skivvy to one and all. You have been very sensible - get far away from him and have a lovely life.

JenniferBooth · 11/04/2023 13:40

Translation "you are not the doormat i thought you were and im really pissed that ive wasted the last 6 months when i could have spent it with a woman who will be more of a doormat and skivvy for me and my kid"

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 11/04/2023 14:09

JenniferBooth · 11/04/2023 13:40

Translation "you are not the doormat i thought you were and im really pissed that ive wasted the last 6 months when i could have spent it with a woman who will be more of a doormat and skivvy for me and my kid"

What I’m struggling with is the fact he said he wants to have a family unit - he wants family time, he wants to be a family. E.g. the Sunday lunches together, days out together, soft play and walks together. I guess that’s where my heart strings were pulled, because that’s absolutely what I’m looking for and craving too.

a big part of me really feels sorry for the guy because his ex wife left him and I feel she kind of ruined his dream? But again I don’t have the full info… he would say that he had to do all the childcare and stuff when his daughter was little because his ex wife had PND.

it’s all terribly messy.

OP posts:
JenniferBooth · 11/04/2023 14:18

Wonder if his dad has had enough and is pressuring him to move out

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 11/04/2023 14:19

JenniferBooth · 11/04/2023 14:18

Wonder if his dad has had enough and is pressuring him to move out

His Dad is really really soft (can see where he might get it from) I don’t think he’s been the best role model. He should never have had his daughter while living there and now his son can’t afford to move out and put a roof over his child’s head…

OP posts:
Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 11/04/2023 14:20

Also his ex wife is fine because she qualified for social housing. People like me have to rent or get a mortgage, but I’m only prepared to do that with someone who treats me right!

OP posts:
SquidwardBound · 11/04/2023 14:21

Flutterbye22 · 11/04/2023 14:09

What I’m struggling with is the fact he said he wants to have a family unit - he wants family time, he wants to be a family. E.g. the Sunday lunches together, days out together, soft play and walks together. I guess that’s where my heart strings were pulled, because that’s absolutely what I’m looking for and craving too.

a big part of me really feels sorry for the guy because his ex wife left him and I feel she kind of ruined his dream? But again I don’t have the full info… he would say that he had to do all the childcare and stuff when his daughter was little because his ex wife had PND.

it’s all terribly messy.

Show quote history

I have to say that he’s reading from the basic version of the divorced dad script there.

I’m such a family man. My ex had PND so I had to do so much for my DD. It’s was so hard. I did my best. But she left me and destroyed my dreams. Etc etc.

Her side of the story will be very different.

JenniferBooth · 11/04/2023 14:23

@Flutterbye22 Im in social housing. A one bedroom flat where ive been since 1994 Im child free by choice There is different criteria for social housing.

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 11/04/2023 14:31

That’s really interesting. I’m child-free and I’m currently residing with my mum as sold my previous house with ex but don’t quite have enough to buy and too scared to rent and get stuck in a rental place. My dream is to have a family hence why I’m looking for someone to do this with x

OP posts:
TriangleBingoBongo · 11/04/2023 14:32

It’s not your job to fulfil his wants for his daughter. You’ve dodged a bullet there.

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 11/04/2023 14:32

SquidwardBound · 11/04/2023 14:21

I have to say that he’s reading from the basic version of the divorced dad script there.

I’m such a family man. My ex had PND so I had to do so much for my DD. It’s was so hard. I did my best. But she left me and destroyed my dreams. Etc etc.

Her side of the story will be very different.

Show quote history

You’re right. I’ve always wanted to hear her side of the story. He did blame her a lot as did his sister and his mum. She’s vilified.

very hard to know the truth.

another reason I wish to back off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 11/04/2023 14:38

SquidwardBound · 11/04/2023 14:21

I have to say that he’s reading from the basic version of the divorced dad script there.

I’m such a family man. My ex had PND so I had to do so much for my DD. It’s was so hard. I did my best. But she left me and destroyed my dreams. Etc etc.

Her side of the story will be very different.

Show quote history

P.s. I am new here, how do I know what the acronyms mean? Have been trying to suss them out so far. DD? Biological daughter? SD step daughter. What is DSH etc?!

OP posts:
KickHimInTheCrotch · 11/04/2023 14:41

OP you sound like you have a lot to give and a lot going for you. I know you probably feel the clock ticking but don't settle for second best. You have a decent independent income, clearly a very practical and sensible outlook and it sounds like you will be a great mum. Don't give this bloke another minute. Someone who deserves you will turn up one day soon.

JenniferBooth · 11/04/2023 14:42

No @Flutterbye22 child free by choice means you dont want kids EVER. Im 50 this year and have never wanted kids.

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 11/04/2023 14:47

JenniferBooth · 11/04/2023 14:42

No @Flutterbye22 child free by choice means you dont want kids EVER. Im 50 this year and have never wanted kids.

Ok, that’s good to know Jen anf totally fair enough :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 11/04/2023 14:47

KickHimInTheCrotch · 11/04/2023 14:41

OP you sound like you have a lot to give and a lot going for you. I know you probably feel the clock ticking but don't settle for second best. You have a decent independent income, clearly a very practical and sensible outlook and it sounds like you will be a great mum. Don't give this bloke another minute. Someone who deserves you will turn up one day soon.

Thank you 🙏🏽 🦋

back to the drawing board!

OP posts:
JenniferBooth · 11/04/2023 14:57

Have you blocked his number so you dont get whiny texts from him

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 11/04/2023 14:59

JenniferBooth · 11/04/2023 14:57

Have you blocked his number so you dont get whiny texts from him

Yes, I’ve blocked and deleted his number.
I don’t suspect I’ll hear from him again tbh because I said I found his daughter a bit annoying.

for the record I meant her behaviour.

he was livid.

OP posts:
JenniferBooth · 11/04/2023 15:04

"he was livid" lol bet he was. Because he could never be in the wrong with his parenting.

Another sign you have done the right thing At 32 you have plenty of time.

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 11/04/2023 15:20

JenniferBooth · 11/04/2023 15:04

"he was livid" lol bet he was. Because he could never be in the wrong with his parenting.

Another sign you have done the right thing At 32 you have plenty of time.

Completely agree. Thank you x

OP posts:
thestepmumspacepodcast · 11/04/2023 15:29

OP it sounds like you're leaving.... wise move here given the info you've shared so far!
You're 32, don't settle :) x

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 11/04/2023 15:37

thestepmumspacepodcast · 11/04/2023 15:29

OP it sounds like you're leaving.... wise move here given the info you've shared so far!
You're 32, don't settle :) x

I'll try not to, but even my mum said to me the other day that I might need to compromise.

Time really is ticking! Eeek!

OP posts:
thestepmumspacepodcast · 11/04/2023 15:47

OP - have a listen to the stepmum space podcast - it gives some insight into what you may experience!

Laurdo · 11/04/2023 15:53

thestepmumspacepodcast · 11/04/2023 15:47

OP - have a listen to the stepmum space podcast - it gives some insight into what you may experience!

It's a wonderful podcast. Very raw and honest accounts of what step-parenting can be like.

Fantasmagoricalan · 11/04/2023 15:55

Flutterbye22 · 11/04/2023 14:59

Yes, I’ve blocked and deleted his number.
I don’t suspect I’ll hear from him again tbh because I said I found his daughter a bit annoying.

for the record I meant her behaviour.

he was livid.

Show quote history

😆😆😆

I’m glad you said that.