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Original poster

DSD Overweight... can we do anything?

117 replies

willywoowid · 09/04/2023 09:01

My DSD10 is over weight. Something that we have watched over the years. DP has tried to speak to her mum but the answers we got were "it's easy to give her what she wants" or "she does have broccoli with her dinner".

We think it may be portion control and just a lot of unhealthy foods with a lack of exercise.

We haven't mentioned anything to DSD as DP would like to have a conversation with her mum first. But has anyone got any tips on how to approach this sensitive subject?

We worry about her health, teeth and bullying.

She did step on my scales in the bathroom while being here and they connect to my phone. Her BMI is considered obese at 26.6.

She lives far away so unfortunately we don't see her regularly; we have her all school holidays.

We eat healthy and maintain a healthy lifestyle and she does not fuss. In fact she loves going for long walks with me in the evening and having a chat.

DP would like to tackle this once again but last time the conversation didn't work with his ex partner. So any advice would be great?

We won't leave it, if anyone suggests it's not our business etc. because it is. We need to help her and her mum with this. Thank you.

OP posts:
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tescocreditcard · 09/04/2023 09:04

If your partner has already had a conversation with his daughters mum and it didn't go well I don't see how broaching the same subject again is going to be helpful to be honest. Surely it will just be a case of it not going well again?

SiSiG · 09/04/2023 09:07

Is her mum overweight?

There’s not much you can do from a distance, sadly. She’ll be aware she’s overweight.

2reefsin30knots · 09/04/2023 09:08

If she's not exercising could your DP offer to pay for a sport for her?

Original poster
willywoowid · 09/04/2023 09:28

SiSiG · 09/04/2023 09:07

Is her mum overweight?

There’s not much you can do from a distance, sadly. She’ll be aware she’s overweight.

She is overweight, yes. Wasn't when she was younger; it's more so over the last 6 years maybe.

OP posts:
Original poster
willywoowid · 09/04/2023 09:29

2reefsin30knots · 09/04/2023 09:08

If she's not exercising could your DP offer to pay for a sport for her?

We have done this numerous times but DSD doesn't stick anything out unfortunately

OP posts:
Original poster
willywoowid · 09/04/2023 09:29

tescocreditcard · 09/04/2023 09:04

If your partner has already had a conversation with his daughters mum and it didn't go well I don't see how broaching the same subject again is going to be helpful to be honest. Surely it will just be a case of it not going well again?

I know but we really need to try do something because it's not great is it? Her health must be awful, and if she keeps putting weight on she's at risk of so many preventable things

OP posts:
HolibobsinApril · 09/04/2023 09:31

How old is she?

Original poster
willywoowid · 09/04/2023 09:34

HolibobsinApril · 09/04/2023 09:31

How old is she?

10

OP posts:
Ladybowes · 09/04/2023 09:37

OP please try your best to do something about this.. as a child who was fat and now an adult who has weight issues. I wish someone had said something to my parents. My step mum - who I consider my mum was a feeder that's how she expressed her love. Once you are overweight it is also impossible not to have to watch your weight. I have to watch every thing I eat and it is because of being a fat child. Sadly fat children often become fat adults and have food issues.

Original poster
willywoowid · 09/04/2023 09:46

Ladybowes · 09/04/2023 09:37

OP please try your best to do something about this.. as a child who was fat and now an adult who has weight issues. I wish someone had said something to my parents. My step mum - who I consider my mum was a feeder that's how she expressed her love. Once you are overweight it is also impossible not to have to watch your weight. I have to watch every thing I eat and it is because of being a fat child. Sadly fat children often become fat adults and have food issues.

Have you any ideas on how my partner could speak to his daughters mum? We are really shocked this time, since February half term it's really a lot more noticeable

OP posts:
MattDamon · 09/04/2023 09:47

Move closer so he can be a more involved parent?

AppleCrumbleIceCreamDream · 09/04/2023 09:51

MattDamon · 09/04/2023 09:47

Move closer so he can be a more involved parent?

Oh yeah, a conversation didn't go well so I'm sure moving in 2 doors down and controlling mealtimes will do the trick 🙄 honestly some of the replies on this site make me laugh.

It's a sensitive subject but I think your partner will need to bite the bullet and get straight to the point with the mum - You've noticed she has gained a lot of weight and the issue needs to be nipped in the bud now to prevent a lifetime of problems so how can you work together to get her eating less and moving more?

Original poster
willywoowid · 09/04/2023 09:57

MattDamon · 09/04/2023 09:47

Move closer so he can be a more involved parent?

Really? That's your answer? All family is here. They moved away. Please, grow up.

OP posts:
Tomkirkman · 09/04/2023 10:00

willywoowid · 09/04/2023 09:29

I know but we really need to try do something because it's not great is it? Her health must be awful, and if she keeps putting weight on she's at risk of so many preventable things

Show quote history

Whose health must be awful?

The child’s? Surely you can tell by looking at her? Or being around her?

According to the NHS, Bmi isn’t good for measuring kids. Given, she is likely going through Hotmail changes as well there’s a lot going on.

But your dp needs to try and approach from a direction that isn’t ‘you are doing a good enough job’.

He see his child in the school holidays, the majority of the day to day parenting isn’t don’t by him.

There’s nothing worse than a someone who isn’t involved day to day, turning up and saying ‘you aren’t doing good enough and I am here to tell you that before I go and leave you to all the hard bit.’

gloriousmulch · 09/04/2023 10:09

I suspect you’re doing all you can. She eats healthily and exercises when she’s with you - difficult for you to control anything else. I don’t know what good speaking to her mum would do, particularly if that’s been tried already.

@Tomkirkman Lol at the auto correct in your post!

Namechange224422 · 09/04/2023 10:09

I think that your partner could do this in the spirit of "I've noticed she's gained weight - what can I do to support with this".

So, he could offer to pay for sports activities. If she doesn't stick to things maybe look for a few pay-per-play options such as trampoline parks, swimming etc and say to mum he'll pay for anything like that whenever dd wants to go.

Maybe speak to mum about what childcare (if any) she uses and could he replace a day of childcare with something more sports related and pay for it - this is unlikely to be dropped if it facilitates mums work.

Does she have a bike? If not could he buy one to be given from him and mum jointly?

How is mum doing financially? Can she afford to buy healthy balanced food options with lots of veg? If not can he up maintenance a bit so that she can.

I know that you say you're far away but can your partner get to where his daughter lives for a long weekend? If so increasing the time he has her and ensuring that the food he offers is healthy will massively help too.

sugarspices · 09/04/2023 10:11

Could you offer to pay for sports clubs that she might be interested in? Swimming/gymnastics that sort of thing? I know someone whose child does trampolining which is surprisingly good exercise and has the fun factor.

The best thing would be to move closer so that you can have contact half of the time and provide healthy balanced meals but it doesn't look like that's an option for you.

Could your partner ask the mum what support she might need in providing healthier meals? If she's got the kids 100% of the time except school holidays she might be struggling and finding it easier to whack in some fish fingers etc. would it help if you sent some hello fresh boxes or something?!

bellac11 · 09/04/2023 10:13

God almighty, this site. So the mum doesnt care or wont do anything about her child being clearly overweight but somehow its the dads fault for not living nearby, not paying enough maintenance because the assumption is that the poor mother is poor etc etc

Then all the bullshit about ignoring BMI for kids

bellac11 · 09/04/2023 10:15

Jesus and now the suggestion that she needs to be sent food to make it easier to feed her daughter.

thegrain · 09/04/2023 10:16

She did step on my scales in the bathroom while being here and they connect to my phone. Her BMI is considered obese at 26.6.

Did she know you were looking at this? Did she give permission for this? If not I think its absolutely awful you looked at this.

Oopswediditagain2023 · 09/04/2023 10:16

Is there anyone else he could speak to, maybe a grandparent or Aunty/uncle, or even a mutual friend? I don't mean it like ganging up, obviously! But my cousin was very overweight as a child in a similar situation, where her mother (my aunt) was feeding her ridiculous amounts of food and sending her to school with hoards of sugary snacks etc. the girl's father was still in touch with my granny and they spoke to her together and had a productive conversation with a plan put in place and my gran is a "mediator" but who also agreed something needed to be done.

You could also speak to the daughter herself about healthy eating habits and exercise etc? Obviously delicately!

sugarspices · 09/04/2023 10:17

@bellac11 do you intend to add anything helpful to the thread or are you just here to be critical of others? Please beguile us wise one.

Ladybowes · 09/04/2023 10:18

bellac11 · 09/04/2023 10:13

God almighty, this site. So the mum doesnt care or wont do anything about her child being clearly overweight but somehow its the dads fault for not living nearby, not paying enough maintenance because the assumption is that the poor mother is poor etc etc

Then all the bullshit about ignoring BMI for kids

Agree - I remember people actually commenting to my parents don't worry it's just puppy fat - she'll grow out of it. Guess what it wasn't and nothing to do with hormones when you're fat at 8!!!

Best suggestion I can give is have a serious talk as adults about this. No need to get aggressive about it - I am sure all the adults care about this child - that should be the starting point

cansu · 09/04/2023 10:21

You can encourage and pay for activities. You can talk to her mum and that's it. I am not sure what else you think you can do.

Drywhitefruitycidergin · 09/04/2023 10:22

As an overweight but trying not to be parent who had an overweight 10 year old and now has a super tall slim 12 year old - encourage healthy eating, encourage good choices fruit/veggies/occasional treats rather than everyday/encourage activity.
She'll have a voice of her own soon.