DSD Overweight... can we do anything?

[willywoowid]

My DSD10 is over weight. Something that we have watched over the years. DP has tried to speak to her mum but the answers we got were "it's easy to give her what she wants" or "she does have broccoli with her dinner".

We think it may be portion control and just a lot of unhealthy foods with a lack of exercise.

We haven't mentioned anything to DSD as DP would like to have a conversation with her mum first. But has anyone got any tips on how to approach this sensitive subject?

We worry about her health, teeth and bullying.

She did step on my scales in the bathroom while being here and they connect to my phone. Her BMI is considered obese at 26.6.

She lives far away so unfortunately we don't see her regularly; we have her all school holidays.

We eat healthy and maintain a healthy lifestyle and she does not fuss. In fact she loves going for long walks with me in the evening and having a chat.

DP would like to tackle this once again but last time the conversation didn't work with his ex partner. So any advice would be great?

We won't leave it, if anyone suggests it's not our business etc. because it is. We need to help her and her mum with this. Thank you.

We have done the hellofresh boxes before and done food shops but the mum said they were going to waste and asked us to stop to save us money? So, we have tried that side of things.

Why is it? Please explain.

Move closer and asked for shared care, then her Dad can manage her diet and exercise half of the time.
Take up a sport with her (like family martial arts or something), get her interested in something fun (my eldest loves trampolining, middle child obsessed with cricket), get active on the days you have her...take her swimming, to trampoline parks, inflatable centres etc. Even just walking round a shopping centre or walking the dog. Less time sitting on the sofa and more time moving.

My 10yo was overweight. Tbh I put lots of time into exercising as a family, swimming/ bike rides. I also stopped buying snacks so he couldn’t help himself anymore. It worked over time he grew a few inches, thinned out, joined a sports club he liked.

You can’t do that from a distance either you get the ex wife on board. You can try to build up positive habits in the holidays but it will be hard for her not to slip up when the other parent is taking the easy route.

We cannot just uproot i am afraid. They were the ones who moved away. We have children here also and one at school.

Yes, this is what we know happens. She loves going for walks with me, every evening she joins me. But I know this isn't happening back at home.

I wish we could move closer but we cannot. She is over 400 miles away. We have children here at school and all family are here also.

Yes, we have done that. My partner is obviously upset as it's not nice to see. He is still her parent too.

I don’t think it’s important, but a BMI of 26.6 is only just overweight, not obese?

Also, in a child I’d tend to look at weight and height centiles.

eg https://www.rcpch.ac.uk/resources/uk-who-growth-charts-2-18-years

If she's stepped on the scales to check her weight in the privacy of the bathroom she was probably not expecting you to be able to see this it's a gross invasion of her privacy.

On that chart the percentile for weight is 99th

There is nothing else you can do. I am not sure why you think there is. Unless the child is so overweight that she can no longer go to school or get about then it would not be considered a safeguarding issue. There are many overweight but happy well cared for kids in schools. You could contact the school nursing service but you may also need mum's permission to do this as the resident parent. They would offer healthy eating advice bit that's probably it.

What about getting you all fit bits and then setting up challenges when you're apart? Does she have a phone? You could ask her if she wants to do couch to 5 k with you - virtually / via FaceTime?

If you only see her in school holidays the impact you can have there is very limited. Can you have a weekend near her mid-term? So every 2-3 weeks? More time with her is going to be the most impactful thing - primarily for her relationships with you but then when that improves you can have greater influence

Also the bmi was from the NHS website; I just had a look as my partner asked me to.

I also think there is a massive difference between being overweight and obese. How tall is she and what does she weigh? Your own feelings may well come into this. Be careful that you don't make your dsd feel ashamed or upset about her body.

I don’t think it’s important, but a BMI of 26.6 is only just overweight, not obese?
For an adult, yes, but not for a 10 year old girl. The normal range is different at different ages. I can't remember the detail off the top of my head but if I recall rightly the upper limit of healthy BMI at that age is somewhere around 19 or 20, so the OP is right, 26.6 would be coming up as very overweight in a 10 year old using the NHS calculator.

It’s really sad but I don’t know if there’s anything you can do. Even if you had her every weekend rather than all the school holidays I don’t think it would be enough to counteract what she is being given to eat and the attitude towards food and exercise the rest of the time.

This is a good idea. She’s slightly young but consider a VR headset that you can do stuff with her from a distance. A lot of the games are quite physical but fun.

Its not, its nonsense that a father shouldnt know what his 10 year old weighs. You dont need her 'consent' for that. Its part of her overall health information

You need to talk about healthy eating with her so she makes good food choices no matter where she is. Teach her how to cook, show her how she can eat her fav foods healthily

You wouldn't spy on her in the bathroom to see what it said when she stood on the scales. This is the same. I am surprised I'm the only one who's upset by that.

You can't do anything apart from offer healthy choices while she's with you. Unfortunately as I've learnt all through my life, it's impossible to make someone else lose weight. I support someone who is 26 stone and I can teach her healthy choices but I can't stop her putting food in her mouth or stop her dad buying her unhealthy foods.
It has to be our own decision.
Some of us just love food and once that's been triggered it is a lifeling battle.

Personally all I think you can do is model an active and healthy lifestyle without making a big deal of it. I completely appreciate that it is coming from a place of love and concern but I’d worry that you run the risk of making the child feel criticised and her mum feel judged.

I’m a child of critical parents (in relation to everything, not just food/weight) and it has had a huge impact on my self-esteem and habits as an adult. I’m still working on myself as a result.

Is it worth focusing even more positivity and encouragement on DSD’s strengths to help cultivate confidence and a strong sense of self? Hopefully healthy eating and respect for her own body will then flow from that.

It's not great that she's carrying extra weight but, is it possible she's about to have a growth spurt? My DD often looked noticeably chubbier just before she sprouted another inch and would then look quite scrawny until she grew into her new height.
At 10 she's still very much a result of what is being offered to her at home and school and this will change once she's at high school. Both in terms of food and activities.
Plus she's almost certainly on the brink of puberty (assuming her periods haven't started yet) and this also changes how her body will look. My DD had her first period at 10. It's starting young these days.
To a large extent your influence is very limited here but your concern is coming from a good place. Be careful with how you approach Mum as she may be doing her best. Only you know what the limitations of their home may be. Perhaps you could approach it by saying that DSD is looking a bit heavier since her last visit - is there anything we can help with?
I'd probably stick with helping DSD be active testing good food choices when she's with you.

If your ex has only been overweight for the last six years, is it possible she is depressed over the relationship breakdown?

I would wait until the summer holidays if she is going to spend them with you and plan lots of active days out and healthy food. Then perhaps bring it up afterwards.

The Fitbit idea is a really good one. My sister did this and her kids became really competitive and stuck with it. They'd never been so keen to walk the dog either!