DSD Overweight... can we do anything?

[willywoowid]

My DSD10 is over weight. Something that we have watched over the years. DP has tried to speak to her mum but the answers we got were "it's easy to give her what she wants" or "she does have broccoli with her dinner".

We think it may be portion control and just a lot of unhealthy foods with a lack of exercise.

We haven't mentioned anything to DSD as DP would like to have a conversation with her mum first. But has anyone got any tips on how to approach this sensitive subject?

We worry about her health, teeth and bullying.

She did step on my scales in the bathroom while being here and they connect to my phone. Her BMI is considered obese at 26.6.

She lives far away so unfortunately we don't see her regularly; we have her all school holidays.

We eat healthy and maintain a healthy lifestyle and she does not fuss. In fact she loves going for long walks with me in the evening and having a chat.

DP would like to tackle this once again but last time the conversation didn't work with his ex partner. So any advice would be great?

We won't leave it, if anyone suggests it's not our business etc. because it is. We need to help her and her mum with this. Thank you.

Speak to school and ask the school nurse to pay a visit.

Possibly get a Fitbit/apple watch to track steps and exercise generally, both DS and DSS here have Apple Watches and like to put their exercise etc on there, they are a bit older than your DSD.

Other DSS for me is also overweight, a lot younger at only 7 but wearing age 10-11 clothes and in the same size in some clothing as my 13 year old!! And it's not just puppy fat either, he is obviously overweight for his age. DP has also had to address this with his mum, he told her he is overweight and will get health problems, advised her to cut portions and treats, and get him doing more.

DP pays for sports and we also bought him a pass to days out for the year where there will be lots of walking etc involved. It's getting better but not cured yet. DP ex has slowly gained weight and DSS has gained it with her so it's obviously a lifestyle (portions, takeaways and treats) issue. He eats well here but although we see him regularly he spends more meal times with mum. He also goes away for a lot of the holidays to visit family where they treat him way too much and comes back having obviously gained weight again.

It's a really difficult one but I feel like being very blunt they are making them Ill is the only way, as once they have gone down that road it's really hard to come back!

Realistically at a distance there is not much you can do. You could go for full custody if you feel that the weight gain is tantamount to abuse. You can discuss healthy eating and stopping when you are full with the girl. But that's about it.

BMI of 26.6 is only slightly overweight - 25 is the top of the normal range. She is 10 and probably about to have a growth spurt - it’s the age when girls store a lot of fat. So first of all, it’s not yet a severe weight problem.

Be sensitive with what you say because if you are too critical you may lead to a spiral of overeating. There is nothing worse for a child than feeling food is about to be taken away - it leads to eating more “while it’s still available”.

The message has to be that you have a way to solve this problem for her because you love her - not because you see her as an embarrassment who is maybe letting down your image. She is no doubt simply living her life and eating what is given to her without deliberately overeating.

Try to work with her mum in a supportive way. If food becomes an issue of conflict you will make the situation worse. Make some healthier swaps in terms of food eaten and try to encourage more activity - fun activity not punishment. Weight is an easier problem for some people to solve than others - don’t expect any rapid results because if the girl is given the message she has failed she is more likely to comfort eat elsewhere. It’s really not an easy situation to solve.

@willywoowid I have two girls, 10 and 9 and I'm just thinking what they enjoy doing to try and give you practical suggestions.
Trampolining in the garden, the Fitbit tracking, cycling as an activity in a park with their friends.
Mine do gymnastics and absolutely love it, is there a recreational rather than competitive class that DSD could participate in?
Tennis lessons?
My girls take after their dad and haven't got a pick on them but I am overweight as an adult so I feel great empathy for your DSD and would echo that nipping it in the bud now will do her a great service for the rest of her life.
Helping support her in making healthy food choices is important. Does she have a packed lunch or school dinners?
There are books on growing up for her age that cover looking after your body, eating well, the benefits both physically and mentally of exercise. Perhaps your DP could support that way and also over FaceTime with a mental health check in each week.
Good luck. It's also great she enjoys walking and talking with you, important that you keep that up.

Sorry, BMI levels are different in children than they are adults. She is classed as obese unfortunately

Hello! Yes, we are going to order a trampoline for her next week when she's back home. My DS also has a practically brand new Fitbit he's worn twice so I think we are going to gift it to DSD. It's shame there aren't challenges on the Fitbit anymore as I'd be able to do fitness challenges with her; like steps etc!

I did speak to her yesterday re gymnastics but it was a hard no. The other thing is, her mum doesn't drive and I think this has been a problem in the past with her sticking to clubs etc.

At the moment she has packed lunches. She has told us that mum gets the frozen ready meals; like the tomato and pasta ones. She microwaves in the morning and puts in a Tupperware for her to eat at lunch at school.
We also know she has a lot of take away too. Even in the mornings her mum orders Starbucks so she'll have a pastry and a frappe for breakfast.

She did mention that she may be having school dinners soon but unsure on that.

We have bought her one of those books before, about looking after your body, exercise etc. maybe we could get anew one.

It's sad because it's not her fault. I don't think she does much at home and I think eating may be a boredom thing also. Her portions are huge and we have at times had to tell her to put some cereal back. We say she can always have more if she's hungry after. Usually she doesn't go back for more.

My partner is speaking to her mum tomorrow. To suggest us getting her a trampoline, encourage the steps. She has a bike so perhaps to encourage her to go out on that also.

There is only so much we can do from here. It's a shame they moved so far away. But I'm hoping that we will help her as much as possible.

For others who have commented. I am a social worker; I do know what we should or should not be saying. I know this is a very sensitive matter. We aren't exactly going to sit her down and say 'you're fat and it's gross' like some of you are insinuating...! We are being very careful and we know this could have a big impact on her either way.

@willywoowid
Sounds like you're doing what you can. I had a couple of other thoughts. Firstly at 10, your DSD might not have the independence of mind to control her own portions but keep supporting her and educating her to do so. The school may have access to a counsellor or someone else who can support with this and your DP should ask.

Secondly, DSD's mum. I know when my own mental health isn't good that one of the first things I find too much to manage is cooking and meal planning. This will of course be a tricky one to navigate but given the move for a relationship which then broke up, it's possible that the mum is doing the best she is able for when it comes to feeding her daughter. Just a thought x

Asking what she eats at home, making her put cereal back, giving her a Fitbit, buying books about healthy bodies and exercising, buying her exercise equipment. I don’t think you’re being particularly subtle, I’m sure she’s getting your message loud and clear…

This isn't something we have just done in the last week. These are things we are doing or have done over the last few years. I also have bought my DS similar books.

We don't ask what she eats at home, it comes up in general conversation. We talk a lot, and she talks even more!

We haven't bought her 'exercise equipment' and we haven't given her a Fitbit yet, even though she's asked for one the last two times she's been down.

My son has a trampoline and she has also asked for one too! We are being subtle but thank you for your concern.

This is exactly what I have said to my DP. It probably is the fact that her mum is doing everything possible and we also need to be mindful of that. I don't think it's great if my partner goes in on her and criticises her parenting. We don't see DSD enough unfortunately. I wish we did. So, we also need to be mindful of that too.

I will not get involved with the talk to DSD mum as that is up to my partner but I can help my partner and advise him what I think he should do. But he knows her best. It's very difficult. If DP doesn't do anything, we fear DSD weight will increase more. Heart problems are something than run in DP family (he has to take tablets daily). So we are worried about her health in the future if something isn't done x

I think this is hard as you only have her during the school holidays. Is it possible for it to be the other way around and for you to have her during term time and her mum during the holidays? I think without moving closer to her it's going to be hard to instill good habits. Could have her more weekends to help instill them?

Find a sport she really enjoys and can do well. No good suggesting gymnastics if she is 10 and already chubby - she will feel massively uncomfortable. Also, don’t pick something too competitive. It’s not about winning, it’s about being healthy and having fun. What can she do and enjoy? Swimming? Trampoline is an excellent idea. It’s about finding something to keep her fit for a lifetime. How can you help support mum in getting her to this activity?

This is so hard OP, if you can talk to Mum in a non confrontational way which has DSDs need at the heart that would be good. Could DP write a letter / email? See if you can forge a plan between the households to help DSD, in a way which is supportive to her not shaming.

You sound like a fab stepmum x

OP we went through the same thing with DSD, her mum was too busy trying to create a mini-me getting her all beauty treatments like an adult, and totally ignoring her weight issues. DH raised it with her mum but she did nothing about it. When we saw her we would casually ask what she’d had for her last meal (whether it be breakfast, lunch or tea), and 99% of the time it was something unhealthy, or she had completely missed the meal.
This was nothing to do with money as she had plenty for luxuries.

It was annoying also because despite us paying maintenance she never sends clothes for DSD so we have to buy all clothes for our house and she was constantly outgrowing them with barely any wear.

We gave her healthy food with only the occasional treat but it made no difference when she was with her mum the most.
Her mum had weight issues over the years so knows full well what she was causing but just ignored it.
Finally after nearly 3 years (and after DH gradually started giving her treats again because his efforts were in vein and DSD just thought he was being mean) her mum decided that DSD needed to lose weight and tried dictating to DH what DSD should and shouldn’t have - like it was our house that was the problem; it would be laughable if it wasn’t so unfair on DSD.

All you can do is as others have suggested, give the Fitbit and try to encourage activities remotely with you as a family.
It’s great that she likes to go on walks with you, and with the weather improving now you’ll be able to incorporate that more.

Sounds very hard.
Did mum elaborate more about what didn’t work with the food shops ? It sounds like she’s not too short for cash if it’s Starbucks every morning, could it be that you were sending her fresh ingredients to cook and she didn’t have the time/energy ? Have you tried really easy to make (even in bulk) but healthy meals ?
This is a silly example but when I was a student and got stressed and down (I’m bipolar II (depressive type, no mania), but medication and follow up etc, so it’s ok really) and stressed, I make on the weekend

• Huge bowl of salad to last the work week : anything and everything I love in it (well, at least that was before the price increases, but I mean treats like avocado, nuts), it has to be appetizing or if you’re down you won’t really be drawn to it (not that I could afford to throw stuff away anyway!). So a meal would always start with a generous portion of that, and could help fill her up.
• Really simple but healthy meals, that I’d freeze (the basic one carb (never bothered other than pasta/baby potatoes), one protein (again either small steak types that take 2 seconds or boiled eggs), and vegetables (I’d get a huge pack of whatever frozen big bag inspired me and heat some of that 2 secs in the microwave

Otherwise, before that period, I had one when I went with pizza/etc and my weight soared. It was awful, I’ve always done ballet as well so I stopped going. So that was my learning experience. Basic idea is it never took me more than say 2-3 hours on a Sunday and freeze for the week. I’m summarizing obviously, you get the idea I hope.

So maybe worth a try with mum again ? Just choose the healthiest and quickest out of daughter’s fave’s for a start ? Most people wouldn’t refuse a free food shop if it’s convenient and the daughter likes it, but if you had sent me a fresh batch of vegetables at those times I probably would not have been overly grateful at the time.

As for activities, it’s going to be really hard at her age for group classes, she won’t be able to keep up with gymnastics at all (and it wouldn’t necessarily be safe, same joint issues as ballet). Maybe private classes in something she’d like to explore, or as many PP have said the dancing along devices etc. It’s sad but it’s realistic in my eyes, hope it’s not offensive.

The good thing is at 10 they have so much more potential to loose it