DSD Overweight... can we do anything?

[willywoowid]

My DSD10 is over weight. Something that we have watched over the years. DP has tried to speak to her mum but the answers we got were "it's easy to give her what she wants" or "she does have broccoli with her dinner".

We think it may be portion control and just a lot of unhealthy foods with a lack of exercise.

We haven't mentioned anything to DSD as DP would like to have a conversation with her mum first. But has anyone got any tips on how to approach this sensitive subject?

We worry about her health, teeth and bullying.

She did step on my scales in the bathroom while being here and they connect to my phone. Her BMI is considered obese at 26.6.

She lives far away so unfortunately we don't see her regularly; we have her all school holidays.

We eat healthy and maintain a healthy lifestyle and she does not fuss. In fact she loves going for long walks with me in the evening and having a chat.

DP would like to tackle this once again but last time the conversation didn't work with his ex partner. So any advice would be great?

We won't leave it, if anyone suggests it's not our business etc. because it is. We need to help her and her mum with this. Thank you.

I thought the BMI was from the renpho.

The nhs also says BMI is not a good indicator for lids. Which makes them having one super confusing. I didn’t say to ignore it like the op suggested. But it’s worth keeping in mind.

I would say that if she is choosing to step into the scales then she maybe aware and unhappy herself. How is she in herself? This needs looking at from her mental health pov. Not just her physical health.

Thats why the conversation with her mum can’t be ‘you aren’t doing enough/thing right’. It’s easy to judge when you aren’t the ones there all the time. It’s also easy to think you know how you would fix it if she lived with you. But in practise these things may not work.

I believe this conversation should be between your dp and her mum and discussion about concern for her physical and mental health and see how they can work together.

Have you considered getting DSD some counselling?

It could be, for example, that she's comfort eating because she's sad that her Dad's other DC get to live with their mum and dad while she doesn't.

It could be that she gives up on sporting activities because nobody takes her each week and is watching from the sidelines cheering her on.

Eating is often a form of comfort or reward for many people. If counselling made her stronger mentally, then she may become healthier physically as well.

But this is 50% your DP's responsibility, regardless of how far away he lives. If your DSD needs him to be around more to support her then it may be he needs to spend more weekends travelling to see her, more joint hobbies, cooking lessons etc. Unfortunately this is something that's unlikely to be resolved just seeing her in school holidays.

"we don't see her regularly" Your words. It's going to be difficult to create sustainable change if he isn't actually with her, parenting her.

Look in the mirror before you throw insults.

Realistically what can you do if you’re 400 miles away 39 weeks of the year? Was she actually at an overweight bmi before? Maybe she’s started puberty and that’s why she’s put weight on?

She weighs more than myself now, I don't think it's pre-puberty weight unfortunately.

Health issues aside, I really don't understand how parents let kids get to this point and just stick their heads in the sand and hope it will all go away. A friend who is obese has a DD aged 9 now also overweight, while genetics are a factor so is the fact that you lead a completely sedentary lifestyle. If your child goes from car to sofa with iPad and snacks and never plays in the garden, never goes to the park or does anything active because you don't like it or encourage it then you are selfish and setting them up for a lifetime of issues.

Would you say the same if the mother wasn't feeding the kid and she was really skinny? No. So there's no difference, both approaches are neglectful.

DP has tried to speak to his daughters mum beforehand. She said it was a sensitive subject firstly and didn't want to speak to her daughter about it, in fear she may then no eat etc. she said she does what she can also.

That's why I have asked on here to see if there was any advice, or if there is anything else that we can do. Which isn't move and uproot our family to move to them... I don't understand how people can say that like it's easy! We have a ds who attends a private school here on a scholarship, and family who look after our toddler while I work. They used to live nearby and the mum decided to move away for a partner years ago, they are now no longer together but have stayed where they are.

It could be that she gives up on sporting activities because nobody takes her each week and is watching from the sidelines cheering her on.

Sport's participation also becomes more difficult if you are self conscious or feel less able to move around due to being overweight. Girls in particular as they reach puberty are less and less likely to become involved.

We have tried many sports also. She at the moment is going to a drama club on a Saturday which is for three hours. She thoroughly enjoys this she walks to and from school but school is a stones throw away.

We have paid for swimming lessons before but we unfortunately found out DSD wasn't going and mum was pocketing the money.

We pay for her drama now. And are happy to contribute obviously!

As someone has already mentioned that bmi is not good for measuring a child's weight. If you go on the nhs bmi calculator you can select child and they will give the centile, its a better way to work out if a child is overweight.

She's 4ft 7 and weights 8st 2.

Because dsd is still my parents daughter and he has a right to be concerned for her health.

@willywoowid That is good that your DSD has found something that she enjoys.

Yes we did this. She is 98th percentile

It really is! She loves it and I think it's just a good all rounder. I do think they do an hour of dance also.

Drama develops self expression, confidence and social skills. It would be fab to encourage and continue this.

If she's at yours every school holiday can you sign her up to something over the 6 week summer break to do some sort of regular exercise with her or a sports camp type thing? After 6 weeks she'll look and feel so much better she might carry it on.
You can't really put kids on diets but you can stop them eating crap and get them to move more.

My middle child was on 98th from being born right up until recently, he didn't seem overweight, just like puppy fat ( I've never understood that term!) But now at 15 he grown taller and is on the 49th. He seems really underweight to me now but the chart says he's not. All you can do is try and encourage activity.

I know you said she doesnt stick at any groups other than drama.but does she have any friends that do certain groups that she would like to join?

What about trying to get her interested in a solo sport? Jogging or cycling? Try encourage her to get interested in nutrition rather than losing weight to help her make better choices with snacks etc

Please leave these - an overweight 10 year old can become a lanky 12 year old - puberty is triggered by weight or height.

This is something that we had thought in the last two or so years but it really isn't like that. It isn't pre growth spurt or pre puberty. She is very over weight unfortunately. I am concerned for her mental health. It can't be nice running around at school and not being able to play with your school friends because you get out of breath so quickly?

She is 10 not 17.. The fact she stood on the scales suggests she is aware herself

No it suggests she wanted to know how much she weighs not that she wants OP or her dad to be able to see how much she weighs

That means nothing as there's no shared genes so your weight is completely irrelevant and may even be unhelpful for determining roughly how much she should weigh

@thegrain but why can we not know that information if we are already concerned? My son jumps on the scales randomly also as it comes up on my phone. What's the problem?