DSD Overweight... can we do anything?

[willywoowid]

My DSD10 is over weight. Something that we have watched over the years. DP has tried to speak to her mum but the answers we got were "it's easy to give her what she wants" or "she does have broccoli with her dinner".

We think it may be portion control and just a lot of unhealthy foods with a lack of exercise.

We haven't mentioned anything to DSD as DP would like to have a conversation with her mum first. But has anyone got any tips on how to approach this sensitive subject?

We worry about her health, teeth and bullying.

She did step on my scales in the bathroom while being here and they connect to my phone. Her BMI is considered obese at 26.6.

She lives far away so unfortunately we don't see her regularly; we have her all school holidays.

We eat healthy and maintain a healthy lifestyle and she does not fuss. In fact she loves going for long walks with me in the evening and having a chat.

DP would like to tackle this once again but last time the conversation didn't work with his ex partner. So any advice would be great?

We won't leave it, if anyone suggests it's not our business etc. because it is. We need to help her and her mum with this. Thank you.

It's fine if they know about it

I understand that @thegrain but unfortunately she is very overweight. And that's that! There's nothing else for me to say to you. It's sad and out of our control at present.

Fine. Just let her know the scales are linked to your phone.

@thegrain I'll leave that up to her mother to decide. If she wants us to tell her, we will.

What has your DH said to his ex so far?

"I've noticed that DD has been putting on weight. She is overweight. As her parents we need to address this. Let's talk about a plan to support her physical and mental health. I have some ideas. What do you think?"

Obv he needs to actually have some ideas.

Why does her mum need to decide? They are your scales. You're the one monitoring her without her knowledge.

Are u using the correct weight charts for children?
26.6 is classed as overweight they have to have a BMI of 30 or above to be classed as obese.
Children should only be on weight loss exercise and diets if they r under strict medical supervision.

It was quite a long time ago now. He got a letter from the school in year R when they do the height and weight then. They had a discussion then.

And they had a discussion maybe three years ago also.

DP had offered hellofresh and a food shop which she agreed to and thought would be a good idea to help etc. but it didn't last long and his ex said to cancel/stop as it was getting wasted.

We have offered to pay for activities also.

Yes; it is the NHS one. We have gone through a few now also and all say the same. She's on the 98th percentile.

I work with children also, on a daily basis. I do know that this unfortunately is not just a little bit of 'puppy fat' or puberty etc.

It's sad, and we would like to help her and her mum to get dsd into a healthy way of life.

It might be worth getting DH to contact DD’s school and ask if they can support with this - helping DD directly through support at school, and also supporting DD’s mum.

Yes I think DP will be doing this next week.

Realistically there is very little you can actually do because you aren’t really doing much parenting of the child. You can speak to the mother, but ‘we aren’t going to be doing any active parenting during the bulk of the year but we don’t like how you’re doing it’ is unlikely to go down well.

Is there any reason he lives so far from his child that he isn’t able to co-parent?

It's difficult because you aren't really co parenting. Just occasionally. You aren't close enough to make any impact really. How much time does she spend with you

Oh, I see that the mother moved away. That’s a shame but still realistically means there’s very little that can be done - your DH can’t really change the child’s day to day life because he’s not a part of it. I would just make sure she knows your home is always open to her and encourage her in exercising and healthy eating when you have her for holidays.

Sorry, this is incorrect.
The cut off of 30 for obesity only applies to adults. It'stotally different for children and is age dependent. Here's the BMI centile chart for children. A BMI of 26.6 in a 10 year old girl is over the 98th centile and in the obese range and depending on whether she is just 10 or nearly 11 is possibly not far from severely obese. The OP is not being unreasonable to be concerned.

Without knowing what the child’s parents are feeding her it’s hard to say if they are being neglectful. It’s a shame though that over feeding and providing the wrong foods is. It currently something social services will get involved in, although I think soon this May change.

I honestly don’t see how you can approach this without being the bad guy.

I think if her mum isn't on board with healthy eating and exercise there isn't much you can do if you don't see her regularly.

Is your SD mature for her age? Would speaking to her about healthy eating and exercise make a difference?

I know it's out with her control what her mum makes at home but maybe if it was coming from her that she wanted to eat healthier her mum might take it on board. Or if she was asking to join a club etc? Just a thought? Does she get teased at school as far as you know about her weight?

Also at 10 I was very, very chubby and hit puberty very early however when I reached 12 the weight absolutely dropped off me and I was a size 6 as a teenager.

Is the parameters for children different to adults ?
I thought 18.5 -25 normal , over 25 - 30 overweight 30+ obese.

It is different.

My 14 year old was not overweight as a young child. She was from about age 4 until she hit puberty, when she began to stretch out and slim down. My dh was also a heavier child so I think she took after him to a degree. Dh is not an overweight adult. I was heavier for a 70s child but still within the average range judging by the child centile / bmi chart and became stick thin with a tiny waist as a teen. Dd is right at the upper end of normal range now and very sporty and muscle weighs a lot more than fat.

I know these are anecdotes. I was rather worried about my dd but didn’t have good enough health to really do much about it beyond limiting certain carbs and ferrying her to classes. She loves sport and did a lot of after school activities. Perhaps that could be an option for your dsd if her mum has the time / energy and you have the resources?

Other ideas - stream fun exercise classes and FaceTime or something a couple of times a week? Play online dance / exercise games on a PlayStation eg Just Dance?

Are you super slim yourself OP? I noted that you said that you weigh less than your step daughter. I imagine that your step daughter is probably very aware that she is overweight, may possibly comfort eat. Sometimes a very fit person who focuses a lot on healthy lifestyle can come across as intimidating and have the opposite effect to that desired .

This was my thought. Op is either very short or super slim for the child to be heavier at 8 stone.

op, no amount of buying them healthy food from afar will make a difference as it will undoubtedly be portion sizes and snacking that are the issue.

how often is your dh seeing the child?

Realistically what you are asking is not what you can do, but what you can make the mother do. She is parentIng largely alone so will not likely be up to criticism and parenting from afar.

I am 8st and 5ft 1. But I'm not super 'fit' nor do I talk about my weight etc. ever.

We do like the idea of getting her a Fitbit and doing things together across the week and make it into a fitness thing. We may also buy her a trampoline to have in her back garden perhaps if she'd likes one