Older stepkids - what's the norm?

[Floofydawg]

My husband's eldest is about to finish his degree (has been studying in another city) and is talking about moving back to our city. Youngest is here 3 nights a week. Eldest is now 21 and I don't really want to get into the habit of splitting his time between houses again as it feels like I'll effectively have a grown man staying here and expecting to have everything done for him (he did nothing when he lived with us part time before). Plus we don't really have room for him any more.

He has a room at his mum's house across town and obviously DH would still see him, but I think he wants him to become a bit more independent.

What's the norm for adult stepkids in terms of contact time - do they continue splitting their time between houses? For how long?

How often was he with you when he was a child? I’ just wondering if he was 50/50 or mainly living with his mum and visiting you once a week?

For that age I would normally expect them to have one home base where they lived and to arrange with their parent when to spend time together informally. I wouldn’t expect a structured every other weekend type arrangement like when he was young.

Is it a given he will move back in with his mum or might he choose to move in with his dad and just visit his mum?

He was here 3 nights a week, same as his brother.

Where has he stayed when he’s been home from uni. I expect he thinks he can go back to living arrangements as before, like most returning from uni. Legally he’s an adult now so you don’t have to have him stay, morally, you may want to. Your DH is going to have to have a chat with him asking him what he wants to do or telling him that he can no longer stay at yours.

So not far off 50/50 then. Maybe his parents needs to have an informal chat with him about where he wants to live. Seems sensible to live in only one house at that age, as presumably if working he will be paying some keep.

well, it sounds like your house is his home, just as much as the other one, so why would he not return home, same as many graduates are having to do now?

I expect most young people would prefer to have one base. It might be his father's house not his mothers though

On the occasions he's been back from uni to visit he's stayed at his mum's, apart from the first summer hols in his first year.

I think this is a good opportunity that if he does come to yours that you’re clear with what you expect from him and that he tidies up after himself etc. I would iamagine as an adult he wants one place to base himself but even if he does stay on occasion he should be helping as he’s family

Having contact time at 21 😂 I would hope not! How strange!

I doubt he'll want to split his time like when he was a child but allowing him to come over whenever and a bed for him if he wants it seems like the way to go. Dsd lives with us full time as her mum moved in with her partner and had no space, there is space now but it's obvious that she doesn't want her more than once a fortnight meeting for dinner (has stayed over a couple of times in 18 months). Yes he could choose to be with you all the time as an alternative ... you need to talk to him and ask him on his thoughts, stress he's welcome but you don't want to assume

Well those are my thoughts TBH. He's actually 22 next month. Just seems odd that his dad would carry on driving him between houses (he doesn't drive).

I would assume he’d continue to see your house as one of his homes, particularly if his sibling is still with half the time. It might be weird for a young adult with full agency to keep to a rigid pattern though so you might all want to have an open conversation about how he and you see it going?

The issue of the irritation of him doing nothing round the house is one I can strongly empathise with, and also needs a good airing. Are relationships with his mother good enough for this to be a shared discussion? It’s corrosive to a relationship for resentment to build up, and it’s really galling to find yourself waiting on an adult with capacity to be useful.

I should probably add that he plans to continue to study, so won't be earning. He didn't work throughout his degree either. I feel like he wants to be one of life's eternal students and if I'm honest I don't want him stuck at home and dependent on parents forever.

Sorry for the drip feed. Am feeling anxious at the thought of being back in the position of having another adult dependent on us for everything.

I think in the current climate, many graduates are dependent on their parents for a while after graduating, I think best not appear hostile in any way, as he may have no choice but to live with you, and if you make it unpleasant, then it could sour relationships for decades

My 22 year old still stays at his dad sometimes. It’s obviously not fixed contact times, it’s just a son going to spend time with his dad, nothing odd about it.

I think its really sweet if the sons are still doing shared contact. Its obviously not a formal thing, but they love both parents enough to want to spend quality time with both. A 21yo student is still going to have to be supported, they aren't going to have many options with self supporting, but your dh should be talking to him about part time jobs to work around his study time. Until he is out of uni and in full time work, he isn't going to be living independently.

I really do understand that feeling. My son is doing the same, although he is full time with us, so with us for all holidays. Refuses to get any sort of job and plans to do postgrad and only get a job ‘when it’s worth my while’. Meanwhile is home, online all the time (no money to go out), and leads a nocturnal life with almost no contribution to the wider household other than occasionally grumpily sorting out the dishwasher.

I am putting my foot down this summer as we are meanwhile working full time in stressful jobs and looking after younger kids and the presence of a fully functional adult in the house who isn’t playing a part in keeping things going is driving me slightly mad. He either does more round the house, gets a paying job, or he can go and stay with his grandparents. I’m doing this for the sake of our relationship and DH is in total agreement.

It sounds like you have potentially a very similar situation but with another parent available as alternative accommodation and, as with the grandparents in our case, that must feel like a tempting option when things are difficult. But no one wants anyone to feel rejected, which is why I’m hoping we can reach a compromise for us, and I think you really need to do the same.

Forgive me if I've got it wrong, but are you the poster who was deeply upset that her DSS wanted to spend a number of nights at Christmas time?

No I'm not.

@Leftoverssandwich do his grandparents want him? That seems harsh

Oh C’mon, this is a grown up adult who has experienced freedom and is unlikely to be happy splitting his time between two households. Worrying about how he will split his time between two houses or trying to create a pattern is a waste of time.

He will go to where he feels more welcome or where he feels at home, he may crash at you on occasion but not often. If you do not have the space anymore, he might not even be thinking of spending any nights at your home anyway. He us coming back from uni, not boarding school.

It's not really different whether he's stepson or son. He's an adult now.
If you had room you might be willing to consider having him stay, but as you don't then surely the practical solution is for him to stay with his Mum? Your DH could offer some financial help if he's continuing to study. I think living between 2 homes would be odd but I would make him welcome to stay as a guest after dinner or suchlike.

My DC (adult/older teen) go to their father's whenever they want. One is often there during the week for an easier commute. Whilst my house is their home, I'm glad that they feel comfortable moving between the two - it makes me feel we managed to get it right.

Personally, I really hope it pisses off their step mother though 😂

Yes, they’ll happily have him and they have a close relationship. Although his refusal to do things has irritated even them on occasion.

I don’t mean to banish him for the entire holidays. Just to spend a chunk of it with them. To stop us all ending up in big rows more than anything else.

My DH still drives our 22 year old DS if he needs a lift and can't borrow the car or whatever. You don't just wash your hands of an adult DC - whether stepson or not. It's called being a family. Obviously set 'ground rules' about helping round the house & financial contribution.