Older stepkids - what's the norm?

[Floofydawg]

My husband's eldest is about to finish his degree (has been studying in another city) and is talking about moving back to our city. Youngest is here 3 nights a week. Eldest is now 21 and I don't really want to get into the habit of splitting his time between houses again as it feels like I'll effectively have a grown man staying here and expecting to have everything done for him (he did nothing when he lived with us part time before). Plus we don't really have room for him any more.

He has a room at his mum's house across town and obviously DH would still see him, but I think he wants him to become a bit more independent.

What's the norm for adult stepkids in terms of contact time - do they continue splitting their time between houses? For how long?

I've read the whole thread thanks. FWIW I have 3 DCs in their 20s and one would come to me with their plans and ask my advice, one would tell me but only as a rubber stamp to what they had already pretty much decided to do, and one wouldn't tell me anything until it was a fait accompli. Everyone is different.

As I said above it's quite possible he doesn't have a plan – the kids call that a 'panic Masters' where someone decides to do a Masters just because they don't want to consider getting a job – but the fact that neither you nor your DH knows what he wants to do does not de facto mean he does not know.

I think what he plans to do with his masters is completely irrelevant.

He can totally keep the plan to himself. That's a adult call and one he's entitled to do. But adult decision = the person taking responsibility for that call.

Like if you have unprotected sex at 18 = you have to take responsibility for the results of that action - whether that be a sti or unplanned responsibility.

I imagine op would feel quite differently if Dc or DSC had a actual aim in which they were heading towards. If they don't want to share sure, but that has consequences. If they are like I dunno - that also has consequences like people saying that's fine but you have to get a job, stand on your own two feet and not be a bum to stay here. If mum wants to support that that's her choice

Most people bar the truly privileged had jobs during uni. Frankly those who did often did better in later life.

The step part is irrelevant.

If he has a bedroom at his Mum’s and she’s happy to have him, it simply makes sense for him to live at his Mum’s.

Of course your DH still wants to see him regularly, but he doesn’t actually need to live with you atm. If he was faced with nowhere to go, of course you’d give up your home office and make room for him-but he’s fine.

I think in some ways the step piece is muddying the waters.

If the question is would you be prepared for your adult DC to move in rent free with you to do a ( possibly unnecessary) Masters and do all their washing, cleaning and cooking as well, then a fair few of us might say No, or a very heavily caveated maybe.

If the question is should a young adult DC have a bed to sleep on when they visit, and get lifts to and from a rural destination from their DF because they don't drive, and the odd bit of financial support when needed , then my answer would be a strong yes.

Thing is I'm not entirely sure which question we're being asked.

Btw, my parents ( not step parents) turned my bedroom into an office during my first term at university. I came home at Christmas and they’d moved all sorts of things in there!

OP, I feel your pain. We had the strictest contact rota, which DSS adhered to until he went to uni. Had the rota not been so strict and frankly ridiculous (it may have worked when he was 11, but not at 18) I probably wouldn’t have been so relieved when he went to uni. This was the only thing that broke the cycle, otherwise I fear we’d still be having an exact amount of contact per week, even though he’s nearly 30.

When he finished uni he got a job in a different city. Had he come ‘home’ I suspect I would have been in your position, and DH would have been driving a grown man between two home for years to come.

Yeah...it's madness really. Felt weird enough when he was 18/19 and being ferried around between houses, but I'm really not keen to continue it if I'm honest.

It felt particularly strange to me, as a lot of my male relatives joined the armed forces straight from school, yet man-child DSS was still being infantalised by his parents, adhering to a rota which was appropriate for a small child. Very unhealthy.

I would most likely suggest he lives with his mum but is welcome to come and visit whenever he is free. Make it clear you didn't expect him to return so there isn't the room now. As long as he's got somewhere to go, I wouldn't expect swapping between two houses is what an adult is likely to want to do!