Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Older stepkids - what's the norm?

159 replies

Floofydawg · 03/04/2023 06:52

My husband's eldest is about to finish his degree (has been studying in another city) and is talking about moving back to our city. Youngest is here 3 nights a week. Eldest is now 21 and I don't really want to get into the habit of splitting his time between houses again as it feels like I'll effectively have a grown man staying here and expecting to have everything done for him (he did nothing when he lived with us part time before). Plus we don't really have room for him any more.

He has a room at his mum's house across town and obviously DH would still see him, but I think he wants him to become a bit more independent.

What's the norm for adult stepkids in terms of contact time - do they continue splitting their time between houses? For how long?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
Nimbostratus100 · 04/04/2023 09:24

hourbyhour101 · 04/04/2023 09:17

@Nimbostratus100 - corrected it for you ..

so you are kicking the 24 year old adult out, or are you leaving yourself?

he is a dependent who has not finished his education.

and I am of the opinion that it should be the OP that leaves, if they don't want to live with their partners son.

Thank God my Dad and his partner had more love and compassion than that.

Incidentally, I never needed to live with them but they were there for me if I needed it, and I have a sibling who did need it, and 20 years after my father's death, my step mother is still a loved and valued "granny" to my children, and my nieces and nephews, and WE support HER now.

And no way would I be kicking my adult children out in this current climate, while I have a roof over my head so do they, and even if I only had one room, they could sleep on the floor

excelledyourself · 04/04/2023 09:25

He's not 24.

aSofaNearYou · 04/04/2023 09:28

*he is a dependent who has not finished his education.

and I am of the opinion that it should be the OP that leaves, if they don't want to live with their partners son.*

He doesn't have to be a dependent, he's just choosing not to work at his age.

And maybe her DH should leave, you don't know who owns the house.

But it's a pretty petulant and extreme response to someone of that age not being facilitated two free bedrooms.

hourbyhour101 · 04/04/2023 09:33

@Nimbostratus100 at 24 years of age there are plenty of 24 year olds that have actual dependents of their own.

Describing a 24 year old male as a "boy" who hadn't finished his education is ridiculous and emotive.

I don't expect a 12 year old boy doing his GCSEs to get a job or to be kicked out. But someone double his age.. yer I expect some type of gumption but for some women the bar is low.

I don't think op objects to him being there. I think op objects to him being there, not contributing to the house, expecting to be waited on, cleaned up after and cooked for.

Chances are it's OPs house (second marriage mum usually gets the martial home - rightly so if she's primary carer). So per phase the better question is why doesn't DH and son move in together .. the DH can reap be lumbered with the donkey work.

I'm a mum btw. Creating adults who can't stand somewhat on their own two feet isn't a kindness.

Nimbostratus100 · 04/04/2023 09:34

aSofaNearYou · 04/04/2023 09:28

*he is a dependent who has not finished his education.

and I am of the opinion that it should be the OP that leaves, if they don't want to live with their partners son.*

He doesn't have to be a dependent, he's just choosing not to work at his age.

And maybe her DH should leave, you don't know who owns the house.

But it's a pretty petulant and extreme response to someone of that age not being facilitated two free bedrooms.

he has not finished his education. What dont you understand about that? what would happen to all the professionals we rely on if they had not been allowed to finish their education?

hourbyhour101 · 04/04/2023 09:34

Correction @excelledyourself 21 your right.

Point still stands.

Nimbostratus100 · 04/04/2023 09:35

yes if the OP owns the house, of course she can legitimately ask her partner and son to be the ones who leave.

Is it your house OP?

aSofaNearYou · 04/04/2023 09:40

he has not finished his education. What dont you understand about that? what would happen to all the professionals we rely on if they had not been allowed to finish their education?

He is finishing his degree before the proposed move. Anyone can choose to stay in education indefinitely, it doesn't mean they can indefinitely claim to be a dependent well into adulthood.

And OP has said he is not pursuing a specific profession that requires more years of study.

OriGanOver · 04/04/2023 09:42

He has finished his education. Choosing post grad and PhD study is a choice you make as an adult on whether you can afford to do so or not. If it was an under grad degree I'd agree with you Nim but it's not. You're using very emotive language to describe an adult.

OriGanOver · 04/04/2023 09:43

Also , the OP isn't saying he can't stay. He just can't live there, even PT. Which is completely fine as he's almost 22. He's not a child, he's not a dependent, he's an adult.

AutumnCrow · 04/04/2023 09:47

Most postgraduates I have ever met both lived independently in house-shares and had form of paid work. My paid work eventually included 'postgraduate teaching and demonstration' which meant I was teaching undergraduates while completing my Phd.

I was in my early to mid 20s. To be fair it was some decades ago but that was certainly the 'norm' for doctoral postgrads. The whole point of it is becoming an independent researcher.

Some of the Masters students lived in university postgraduate accommodation for the year.

Original poster
Floofydawg · 04/04/2023 10:25

@Nimbostratus100 seems to be under the impression that she can dictate to me what I do and that I'm going to take notice of her.

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 04/04/2023 11:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Floofydawg · 04/04/2023 11:28

@Nimbostratus100 you're entirely correct - I did ask for opinions. From other step-parents. I suspect you don't even have stepkids. All of your replies have been around a theme that we have to support him for as long as he decides to study, whether or not he works and contributes or helps out around the house, however long that might be. You also suggested I should leave my own house if I don't like it.

I have had some very helpful advice which I very much appreciate. All your replies have done is to try and make me feel like shit about myself. I won't be engaging with you any more as you don't have anything of value that I want to hear.

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 04/04/2023 11:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

EL8888 · 04/04/2023 11:40

Leftoverssandwich · 03/04/2023 08:10

I really do understand that feeling. My son is doing the same, although he is full time with us, so with us for all holidays. Refuses to get any sort of job and plans to do postgrad and only get a job ‘when it’s worth my while’. Meanwhile is home, online all the time (no money to go out), and leads a nocturnal life with almost no contribution to the wider household other than occasionally grumpily sorting out the dishwasher.

I am putting my foot down this summer as we are meanwhile working full time in stressful jobs and looking after younger kids and the presence of a fully functional adult in the house who isn’t playing a part in keeping things going is driving me slightly mad. He either does more round the house, gets a paying job, or he can go and stay with his grandparents. I’m doing this for the sake of our relationship and DH is in total agreement.

It sounds like you have potentially a very similar situation but with another parent available as alternative accommodation and, as with the grandparents in our case, that must feel like a tempting option when things are difficult. But no one wants anyone to feel rejected, which is why I’m hoping we can reach a compromise for us, and I think you really need to do the same.

This. He’s had a very good go on it but it can’t go on forever. I can see why it’s ending imminently, it not realistic to spend life doing exactly what you want and not supporting yourself financially. Especially with the cost of living crisis. Everyone needs to bring something to the table. I worked through both of my degrees

With regards to OP. Then at 21 is an adult so he should be contributing to household tasks and expenses if he’s living there. I am tickled by him being driven around, surely he can walk or get public transport or learn to drive?!

Original poster
Floofydawg · 04/04/2023 15:00

There's a current thread in relationships about adult stepkids aged 21 and 26 expecting the Op to run around after them whilst they sit on their arses and make no contribution, financial or otherwise. I refuse for that to end up being me.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 04/04/2023 15:13

Floofydawg · 03/04/2023 10:24

He isn't attempting to work though. He seems to want to study forever - I can't see an end to it.

Is he doing a postgraduate degree? That is a very worthwhile and difficult endeavour if so, I' m surprised that you seem to have such a dismissive and contemptuous attitude towards it. He's not bumming around "not working", he's in education.

I don't think he should be denied the option of living/staying with his father - as many young adults do, especially when they are in education - purely because he has a stepmother. I certainly wouldn't allow anyone to dictate that my young adult children were no longer welcome in my home - that would be a major red line for me. I think you need to discuss this with your DH.

thing47 · 04/04/2023 15:57

And OP has said he is not pursuing a specific profession that requires more years of study.

Actually @aSofaNearYou OP has repeatedly refused to say what field her DSS is in. I have asked on more than one occasion as I think it makes a huge difference. Otherwise we only have her word for his not requiring further study…

aSofaNearYou · 04/04/2023 16:15

thing47 · 04/04/2023 15:57

And OP has said he is not pursuing a specific profession that requires more years of study.

Actually @aSofaNearYou OP has repeatedly refused to say what field her DSS is in. I have asked on more than one occasion as I think it makes a huge difference. Otherwise we only have her word for his not requiring further study…

OP said she doesn't think he knows what he wants to do for a career. So these aren't studies motivated by pursuing a particular job.

Original poster
Floofydawg · 04/04/2023 16:57

I should also add that DH financially supported his ex wife (DSS's mum) through extended studies for years and years and it never materialised in a better career for her. She seems to have influenced her son to continue to study with no real thought for how he will eventually earn a living. So you might be able to see why we're reluctant.

OP posts:
Leftoverssandwich · 04/04/2023 17:03

Greensleeves · 04/04/2023 15:13

Is he doing a postgraduate degree? That is a very worthwhile and difficult endeavour if so, I' m surprised that you seem to have such a dismissive and contemptuous attitude towards it. He's not bumming around "not working", he's in education.

I don't think he should be denied the option of living/staying with his father - as many young adults do, especially when they are in education - purely because he has a stepmother. I certainly wouldn't allow anyone to dictate that my young adult children were no longer welcome in my home - that would be a major red line for me. I think you need to discuss this with your DH.

Show quote history

Or it's more study to prolong the moment that real life hits, with the end result of a Masters that everyone forgets you have, including you, within a couple of years.

Not that I know what that would be like.

thing47 · 04/04/2023 17:48

aSofaNearYou · 04/04/2023 16:15

OP said she doesn't think he knows what he wants to do for a career. So these aren't studies motivated by pursuing a particular job.

Show quote history

She doesn't think he knows. That is not the same as saying he doesn't know. Maybe he does know but has chosen not to confide in her. Given that they don't appear to have a close relationship, that wouldn't be terribly surprising.

Look, it's perfectly possible he's considering a Masters just to delay getting a job; in fact, that's more likely than not, at least based on OP's posts. But we don't know, you can't say for certain these aren't studies motivated by pursuing a particular job as we don't have enough information to make that judgment. And the fact that OP is curiously reluctant to provide it makes me suspicious…

Original poster
Floofydawg · 04/04/2023 18:10

@thing47 suggest you read my update. DH doesn't know what he wants to do either. SS doesn't confide in me, but he talks to his dad who in turn talks to me.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 04/04/2023 18:40

@thing47 I would argue that at his age, if he wants to use his budding career with all it's necessary postgrad qualifications as an argument for why they should continue to treat him as a dependent, then he needs to be prepared to share the information about what his plans are. It's not really good enough to say "oh he might have a serious plan, he just hasn't told you".