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Original poster

Older stepkids - what's the norm?

159 replies

Floofydawg · 03/04/2023 06:52

My husband's eldest is about to finish his degree (has been studying in another city) and is talking about moving back to our city. Youngest is here 3 nights a week. Eldest is now 21 and I don't really want to get into the habit of splitting his time between houses again as it feels like I'll effectively have a grown man staying here and expecting to have everything done for him (he did nothing when he lived with us part time before). Plus we don't really have room for him any more.

He has a room at his mum's house across town and obviously DH would still see him, but I think he wants him to become a bit more independent.

What's the norm for adult stepkids in terms of contact time - do they continue splitting their time between houses? For how long?

OP posts:
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excelledyourself · 03/04/2023 08:36

rookiemere · 03/04/2023 08:12

Forgive me if I've got it wrong, but are you the poster who was deeply upset that her DSS wanted to spend a number of nights at Christmas time?

Correct.

Fireyflies · 03/04/2023 08:39

I would suggest he stays with his mum if she's willing to have him, and invite him over for dinner once a week - preferably with him making his own way there by some means rather than your DH ferrying him both ways as that's not a normal service to provide to your dinner guests!

None of my DSC wanted to continue the two home routines after uni though two of them have come back to ours for periods of time (their mum moved away so ours is very much the preferred location now)

aSofaNearYou · 03/04/2023 08:54

If there's no longer a room for him at yours then he can't just "decide" he wants to stay with dad instead of mum as so many are saying. Practicality will come into it.

DelurkingAJ · 03/04/2023 08:58

When you say he wants to do postgraduate study…is it something necessary for his chosen career? For example, does he want to be a pharmaceutical researcher and need a PhD? Or is it self funded? Because that would colour my view on this!

NoCatsToday · 03/04/2023 09:06

So if my (non step) son wanted to stay in the family home post university I would welcome him. It is very different for young people to get a foot on the housing ladder and moving back home is becoming more usual.

How is it different if he is your step son? He is still your DH's son and therefore part of the family.

NoCatsToday · 03/04/2023 09:07

Difficult. Not 'different to get a step' ..

Original poster
Floofydawg · 03/04/2023 09:08

I guess how it's different is that he has another home and his mum's home has always been his main residence. I'm a firm believer that you shouldn't have to keep two bedrooms available for an adult.

In terms of his continued study, I don't really think he knows what he wants to do for a career.

OP posts:
NoCatsToday · 03/04/2023 09:21

Have you asked him what his plans are?

Even as a young adult I wanted to spend proper time with both my parents so I can't see why you wouldn't offer him space even if you aren't the primary residence.

22 isn't very grown up in the scale of things.

Nimbostratus100 · 03/04/2023 09:49

Floofydawg · 03/04/2023 09:08

I guess how it's different is that he has another home and his mum's home has always been his main residence. I'm a firm believer that you shouldn't have to keep two bedrooms available for an adult.

In terms of his continued study, I don't really think he knows what he wants to do for a career.

but he has two homes, that probably wasn't how he would have chosen to live, it was just what he got. He doesn't have A home, he has two. and yours is one of them

rookiemere · 03/04/2023 09:53

Is the issue that you don't have room or you simply don't want to ?

I can see cooking meals and doing laundry for a kidult hardly appeals, but he is your DHs DS and as an adult there's always been a bed for me at my DPs home, even if in later years that's been a pull out bed in the hobby room.

Is there a way to let him stay, but disengage yourself from his grunt work?

funinthesun19 · 03/04/2023 10:00

OriGanOver · 03/04/2023 07:36

Having contact time at 21 😂 I would hope not! How strange!

I always remember being about 20 and finding it really strange when my boyfriend of the time still had set contact time with his parents at 19/20. No SN involved. I remember wanting to spend time with him like normal young adults would, and not being able to because it was his weekend at his mum’s. He seemed happy with it, but I found the rigidity of it at that age a bit weird and to be honest a bit annoying and one of the reasons I called it a day.

My parents split when I was 11, and by the time I was 15 I just went back and forth as I pleased.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 03/04/2023 10:02

He’s a young adult in a shit wage/high rent market.

Stop being mean. He should be able to split his time where he wants. He has 2 parents so 2 homes. I’m sure he would prefer his parents to still be together. You sound very unwelcoming.

I had 2 dss and one ds at our house during university and later. They last one went at 28 as he had to save up a deposit for a house. Why not support him instead of wishing he wasn’t there? He didn’t ask for this situation.

As for him being driven. What’s the big deal? He can’t drive.

Original poster
Floofydawg · 03/04/2023 10:24

He isn't attempting to work though. He seems to want to study forever - I can't see an end to it.

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 03/04/2023 10:26

Floofydawg · 03/04/2023 10:24

He isn't attempting to work though. He seems to want to study forever - I can't see an end to it.

with respect, he is entitled to continue to study, and you are not in a position to prevent him. You are right, he may need your home for some time yet, this is normal in the current climate.

BungleandGeorge · 03/04/2023 10:38

He was more or less 50:50 before. Is there a reason that you think dad can opt out of parenting his son now?

NoCatsToday · 03/04/2023 10:39

Surely your judgement on whether it is worth him continuing his studies is irrelevant.

It is about whether it is fair/ right to offer him a home, even if only part time.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 03/04/2023 10:40

What will you do if he wants to do a PhD?

Onr if ours had 2 MA’s ( the first one was wrong, but he funded himself through the second one) and the other has a PHD.

Both of them lived at home until they had at least finished studying. There’s no other way to afford it.

OperationMalena · 03/04/2023 10:46

Just out of interest OP, if it was your own bio child, would you still not want him back in your house?

aSofaNearYou · 03/04/2023 10:46

I'm a firm believer that you shouldn't have to keep two bedrooms available for an adult.

I agree with you here, especially if space is a premium and the people still living there are having to make sacrifices to leave the room empty.

Why is there no longer space for him, out of interest? I think there's a bit of a difference between repurposing much needed space, and turning his room into something unnecessary.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/04/2023 10:51

He hasn’t been staying while he’s been away at uni so it’s not his home any longer. His choice.

I wonder if his mum is encouraging him to stay at yours once he’s graduated because she’s not keen on hosting an adult man indefinitely who thinks he’s too good to clean up after himself or get a bloody job. A very fair position if that’s the one she’s taking and you’d be reasonable for saying you’re not keen either.

What’s his plan in detail? What’s his dad saying about it?

thing47 · 03/04/2023 10:55

DelurkingAJ · 03/04/2023 08:58

When you say he wants to do postgraduate study…is it something necessary for his chosen career? For example, does he want to be a pharmaceutical researcher and need a PhD? Or is it self funded? Because that would colour my view on this!

This, 100%. You do seem quite opposed to him continuing his studying, but for some lines of work a Masters is virtually essential, whereas for others it's pure indulgence. So what field is your eldest DSS in, that makes a huge difference?

BarrelOfOtters · 03/04/2023 10:56

DH's older one had lived mostly with us since he was 11 (I think purely because we had better broadband) so when he came back from Uni he stayed with us. It drove me a little bonkers to be honest having another adult, completely used to his own space at Uni, moving back in. We never knew if he'd be in or out, wanted fed or not and showed no sign of getting a job. But on the other hand him and his dad hung out a lot which was really good. He was there about 18 months.

He would also go to his mum's a lot to hang out with her as it was an easy walk away. But he lived at ours.

The other 2 younger ones, their mum's house is their home, and was after university. They occasionally stay if for some reason they can't be at their mum's.

One has moved away but the other one comes round for tea most weekends, hangs out with his dad watching football, sometimes just turns up. They go out for tea sometimes. He's got a key and borrows his dad's mountain bike sometimes, or turns up to borrow the dog for a walk.

I think your DH needs to find another way of hanging out and having time with him than part time living.

CornishGem1975 · 03/04/2023 10:56

I have two SC and two of my own. I fully expect them to be coming and going for years. I doubt they'll have dedicated bedrooms but there will always be a bed for them when they want it. My 18 year old still comes 50/50.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 03/04/2023 11:00

He hasn’t been staying while he’s been away at uni so it’s not his home any longer. His choice

I hope you never say tht to your own biological children. All our dc (stepkids
included) will have a home with us whenever they need it. Why did he ‘make a choice’ for it not to be his home?

AutumnCrow · 03/04/2023 11:08

I think it's unfair to shunt all the responsibility for your husband's son onto his mother, OP.

This is a joint responsibility, and needs negotiation and genuine and compromise. For example, when I did my Phd I lived in cheap house-shares for postgraduates and younger just-starting-out professionals, and my parents would have helped with a deposit for that had I needed it. (I didn't, because I'd sorted out funding, and did some part-time work in the university; but I hope you get what I'm saying.)

Identify your problem, come up with possible solutions, talk them through and, if necessary, throw some money at one of them to get what you want but in a fair way.