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Original poster

Older stepkids - what's the norm?

159 replies

Floofydawg · 03/04/2023 06:52

My husband's eldest is about to finish his degree (has been studying in another city) and is talking about moving back to our city. Youngest is here 3 nights a week. Eldest is now 21 and I don't really want to get into the habit of splitting his time between houses again as it feels like I'll effectively have a grown man staying here and expecting to have everything done for him (he did nothing when he lived with us part time before). Plus we don't really have room for him any more.

He has a room at his mum's house across town and obviously DH would still see him, but I think he wants him to become a bit more independent.

What's the norm for adult stepkids in terms of contact time - do they continue splitting their time between houses? For how long?

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hourbyhour101 · 03/04/2023 18:02

excelledyourself · 03/04/2023 17:47

She's posted numerous times, with numerous name changes, about the SS and her family set up.

I'm not psychic, but I can read.

Gosh I didn't realise op was the only sm on mumsnet.. 🙄 however your username always comes up and it's alway projection

Stomacharmeleon · 03/04/2023 18:10

He needs a job. He will have a huge amount of time off now. Maybe your husband can do the discussing around that eg ' as you will be working Monday- Friday then I imagine you will be staying with mum' and do the odd overnight visit.
It would annoy me too. Your husband and ex husband wife need to be on the same page though.

Maybe83 · 03/04/2023 18:41

@aSofaNearYou you can save you shock horror. The child that will be sharing with us is of the opposite gender and currently less 3 months old.

So we have time to support our adult daughter. Not in the country I live in. A house share would cost her not that much less than my mortgage and we have a housing crisis with a shortage of rentals. Dh & I see absolutely no reason for her to waste that type of money currently when she can save it.

If she is still here in a number of years we will repurpose a communal room for us due to the age gaps genders of our children.

aSofaNearYou · 03/04/2023 19:13

Maybe83 · 03/04/2023 18:41

@aSofaNearYou you can save you shock horror. The child that will be sharing with us is of the opposite gender and currently less 3 months old.

So we have time to support our adult daughter. Not in the country I live in. A house share would cost her not that much less than my mortgage and we have a housing crisis with a shortage of rentals. Dh & I see absolutely no reason for her to waste that type of money currently when she can save it.

If she is still here in a number of years we will repurpose a communal room for us due to the age gaps genders of our children.

Well that's not quite the same thing as "they will stay in our room until she's ready to move out" is it, that phrasing suggests you'd keep that arrangement for as long as it took.

Which tbh is a common theme on this board, so not something I'd be that surprised to see, sadly.

Daleksatemyshed · 03/04/2023 19:32

Since it's your DSS rather than your own child I think I'd leave the discussion between your DH and his DS. Make sure your DH appreciates the practicalities, if your're working from home then his DS needs to abide by a few house rules. He's not a child anymore and needs to behave like an adult

CornishGem1975 · 03/04/2023 19:39

Quite honestly it's clear OP doesn't want him around so I'm sure he'll pick up on that vibe. Not sure why he'd want to come! Sounds better off at his mothers.

hourbyhour101 · 03/04/2023 19:43

Daleksatemyshed · 03/04/2023 19:32

Since it's your DSS rather than your own child I think I'd leave the discussion between your DH and his DS. Make sure your DH appreciates the practicalities, if your're working from home then his DS needs to abide by a few house rules. He's not a child anymore and needs to behave like an adult

Ahhh no. The house has two owners both op and dad - this is a decision that they make together as a team . Op and DH need to come to a decision on if he stays how long, how much board and house rules.

Then dad and DSC can have a chat and say ok these are the parameters- can you agree to them or would finding alternative housing be better suited.

One person doesn't overrule the other especially if the other person is likely to be picking up the slack (aka the female of the house)

Daleksatemyshed · 03/04/2023 19:54

@hourbyhour101 I obviously wasn't clear, I think it would be better for the chat to be between DH and his Son, that way the Op won't end up taking the blame if her DSS doesn't like the arrangement. I certainly agree with you that Op and her DH need to agree in advance what the house rules will be

hourbyhour101 · 03/04/2023 20:01

@Daleksatemyshed no don't worry I probably read that wrong so my mistake :)

Sadly I have heard it on here that sp should have no say in these things but I find that mad really.

I think it's a good call re trying to minimise blame I have sympathy any young adult in this market but that doesn't mean being taken for a ride

Original poster
Floofydawg · 04/04/2023 07:05

The issue with 'house rules' is that they have been imposed before and ignored. I'm done with it all to be honest, to the point that if DH wants to house his son it'll have to be done somewhere else.

OP posts:
CornishGem1975 · 04/04/2023 07:09

So it really doesn't matter what the norm is then does it?

OperationMalena · 04/04/2023 08:19

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AutumnCrow · 04/04/2023 08:25

Floofydawg · 04/04/2023 07:05

The issue with 'house rules' is that they have been imposed before and ignored. I'm done with it all to be honest, to the point that if DH wants to house his son it'll have to be done somewhere else.

I think if you're at that point, OP, then you probably really need to be asking about other people's solutions, not what some mythical 'norm' is. You don't need anyone's permission to act on being at the end of your tether - but you might need their ideas.

You've said that your DH will help his DS out financially to some degree, and I and others have already suggested getting him (the DS) set up in a house-share.

This is a solution that a number of my friends (and I) have pursued for adult children in their 20s, whether graduates or not. This might go hand-in-hand with offering help with a deposit and first month's rent, offering some pro tem loft storage space, and inviting the adult DC round for dinners / occasional weekends. His mother presumably could do the same.

hourbyhour101 · 04/04/2023 08:26

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I'm all for constructive criticism

But how exactly is it OPs fault that her DH hasn't managed to instill some type of manners in a 24 year old. Surely if you create a lazy adult who doesn't want to work or tidy up for themselves- that's on the parents aka mum and dad not op.

Or is it easier to blame op ? I can't say your coming across great tbh..

aSofaNearYou · 04/04/2023 08:29

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It always stuns me that people leave comments like this and can't see they're being unpleasant themselves.

Original poster
Floofydawg · 04/04/2023 08:31

@AutumnCrow that's a helpful suggestion - thankyou.

OP posts:
AutumnCrow · 04/04/2023 08:40

Floofydawg · 04/04/2023 08:31

@AutumnCrow that's a helpful suggestion - thankyou.

You're welcome. My OH and I have quite a few adult DC from our first marriages, and have been through this a few times. I don't think it necessarily matters if the adult DC involved is a stepDC or not - the focus should surely be on what is best for the adult DC.

To me, that means helping them learn to be independent, to have greater capacity to make friends and socialise, to find part-time or full-time jobs, and just live a life really.

And maybe think of it as a process rather than a single event of 'moving out'.

OperationMalena · 04/04/2023 08:42

If calling out someone whose behaviour impacts a young person's mental health, well-being and future is unpleasant I'm absolutely fine with that.

The only way to deal with unpleasant people is to give them a taste of their own medicine.

Original poster
Floofydawg · 04/04/2023 08:59

OperationMalena · 04/04/2023 08:42

If calling out someone whose behaviour impacts a young person's mental health, well-being and future is unpleasant I'm absolutely fine with that.

The only way to deal with unpleasant people is to give them a taste of their own medicine.

Not sure you appreciate the irony in your comments. Totally ok to be nasty to a stepmum at the end of her tether though, eh?

OP posts:
rookiemere · 04/04/2023 09:00

Young adults- particularly men - can be a huge pain when they're not your own, I know this from some small degree by going on holiday with my Dnephews.

If you don't want him to stay over, you need to own it. Most DPs do provide a bed for their DCs and want to see them, so stop dressing up your dislike as a norm.

Original poster
Floofydawg · 04/04/2023 09:10

Fair comment @rookiemere and I don't mind owning it. I suppose the original purpose of my post was to try and determine what we should be expecting of him as a young man. I don't really have experience of this.

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 04/04/2023 09:14

Floofydawg · 04/04/2023 07:05

The issue with 'house rules' is that they have been imposed before and ignored. I'm done with it all to be honest, to the point that if DH wants to house his son it'll have to be done somewhere else.

so you are kicking the boy out, or are you leaving yourself?

hourbyhour101 · 04/04/2023 09:16

OperationMalena · 04/04/2023 08:42

If calling out someone whose behaviour impacts a young person's mental health, well-being and future is unpleasant I'm absolutely fine with that.

The only way to deal with unpleasant people is to give them a taste of their own medicine.

You have no idea what OPs behaviour is. She's asking for advice. If kicking someone who's clearly stressed out of her head makes you feel better, it says a lot more about you and I feel sorry for any children your responsible for raising.

Its unpleasant to create/ raise children to expect to be waited on by adults around them.

House share is a good call op. Frankly bad behaviour won't be tolerated by the other people in the house so it should help Dc and or DSC become accountable for their actions and their lives.

Independence is good. Molly coddling is lazy parenting. At 24 years old you expect some type of independence, but I suppose independence adults for some people makes them harder to control.

Ignore them op. Clearly quite a few people are here to stick the boot in and aren't sp in and not offer any advice, so reading isn't their strong suit... take it with a healthy dose of salt.

hourbyhour101 · 04/04/2023 09:17

@Nimbostratus100 - corrected it for you ..

so you are kicking the 24 year old adult out, or are you leaving yourself?

Original poster
Floofydawg · 04/04/2023 09:18

Thankyou @hourbyhour101 - appreciate your kind words and you speak a lot of sense.

OP posts: