Older stepkids - what's the norm?

[Floofydawg]

My husband's eldest is about to finish his degree (has been studying in another city) and is talking about moving back to our city. Youngest is here 3 nights a week. Eldest is now 21 and I don't really want to get into the habit of splitting his time between houses again as it feels like I'll effectively have a grown man staying here and expecting to have everything done for him (he did nothing when he lived with us part time before). Plus we don't really have room for him any more.

He has a room at his mum's house across town and obviously DH would still see him, but I think he wants him to become a bit more independent.

What's the norm for adult stepkids in terms of contact time - do they continue splitting their time between houses? For how long?

OK I'll say what the room is used for - it's my office. I WFH full time.

I'm not saying his dad won't help to support him financially but I would also expect him to get a part time job, which is something he hasn't been prepared to do for the last 4 years.

.....and before you ask where I worked from before - the answer to that one is the kitchen table and it was giving me a bad back.

Awaits being told I'm selfish for wanting an entire office for myself

Not at all @Floofydawg, I think that's a perfectly reasonable explanation. Your working situation has changed and this is a good solution to address that.

Just to point out, some Masters are very full on – DD2 started hers intending to work 2 evenings and either Sat or Sun each week. After 3 weeks of the course she politely told DH and I that it wasn't going to be feasible as she had to study every evening and all weekend as her days were spent in a lab. That's why I keep asking what DSS's field is…

There's no reason he can't work all summer, though. Could get 4 months or so in a bar/restaurant or warehouse which would at least part-fund his next course.

When me and my siblings got to this age we had our "main home" so for me I rented, but my sisters lived with their mum. We would stay with our dad if we went for dinner and wanted some drinks etc, maybe once every couple of month or less. My step sister moved out but still stays every couple of weeks or so because she lives quite far from town so stays there after going out with friends, she's 25.

Ultimately you cant leave him homeless so your husband, his mum and him all need to sit down and find out his plan sooner or later.

My step sister moved out but still stays every couple of weeks or so because she lives quite far from town so stays there after going out with friends, she's 25.

So essentially she's using them as some kind of unpaid AirBnB when she's on a night out? Hmmm, ok then...

Young people still need support in these difficult times. I keep a room for my DC and will always do so. DC often come to stay for the summer with partners in tow, though they own their own homes and have successful careers. We enjoy having them here. If my DH objected he would be the one getting the boot, I would never put a partner before my DC.

I think it's normal for young adults to stay sometimes with their parents. And I think it's normal for parents to welcome their adult children. I'm 40 and sometimes stay with my parents!

I don't think you need a dedicated room for each child though - as it sounds like you have three adult children between you who are occasionally there only, you could have 2 spare bedrooms set up so that whoever is visiting uses them.

Bizarre as it may seem, some people actually want to see their adult DCs and have them stay over on occasion.

Our neighbours were going to move to a small village but have stayed put in our city as it means they get frequent visits from their adult DS who also uses it as an opportunity to catch up with his pals.

They actually enjoy seeing and spending time with him.

I thought that!!

I feel sorry for these SC. If he can’t cook, clean, iron or drive that’s the adults in his life’s fault.

I have a 17 and a 13 year old DS. The eldest has his driving test in a few months and both can cook, bake, dog walk, tidy their room and hoover.

Why didn’t his dad/ mum teach him anything? Why didn’t they get him driving lessons, a life skill?

I’ve also been a step child. It’s shit. Moving pillar to post, SM dropping poison into my dad’s ear. It’s not nice knowing you aren’t welcome, and it’s one reason why I don’t bother that much with my dad.

I’ll be heartbroken when my eldest goes to Uni, and if he does a masters or PHD I’ll be chuffed.

My dd is 21. She lives with us full time and spends at least one a night a week in her dads.

One because she has siblings there and two because like you said having a young adult in the house full time comes with it's own challenges different to younger children. Considering she can't afford to move out I would be pretty pissed as the resident parent if he father suddenly decided she couldn't stay there semi regularly.

Unfortunately we live in an economy that she will in reality will be at home for a number of more years. I have younger children one of which that will be sharing our room likely until she can afford to move out.

She is however working and studying drives and is already saving for her future so her father and I both appreciate the circumstances she is in.

She also will go back to who evers home is closer if she is going out at night. Neither of us has s problem with that either.

To balance it out I should probably add that my adult child doesn't stay over at their dad's either - hasn't had a room there in two years. I accept that when they get to a certain age they only really need one home and obviously access to the other parent as and when they want/need it.

It could just be me but there seems to be a assumption that op objects to random visits by her DSC/or DC. I don't think that's the case.

Frankly if my DC get to the grand old age of 24 - not wanting to work and live in my house and me be maid, cook and cleaner so they can game when not studying I wouldn't be pleased.

But there's a massive difference between those two situations. Let's not automatically assume op is evil just because she's a sm.

Op have you had a look at failure to launch ? Have a Google - a previous poster mentioned it to me and it's really helpful.

Also some of the comments on here are rather depressing.

Can you not put a sofa bed into the study?

What, and have to turf him out of bed every time I need to work? No thanks. Besides which, there's not enough room.

Some of the responses you’ve had here are insane. He’s an adult, he can either do funded studying or get a job, and either way can rent a room in an HMO like many thousands of others in their 20s. Would any of you really like a freeloading, directionless unrelated adult bloke living with you for an undetermined length of time, for free?

OP doesn’t have room for him because she works from home, to pay for her living costs.

Unfortunately we live in an economy that she will in reality will be at home for a number of more years. I have younger children one of which that will be sharing our room likely until she can afford to move out.

Gosh. This is a choice. Almost anyone could afford a room in a house share if they are willing to move area. I would never prevent a dependent child from having (even if sharing with another child) a room so someone in their 20s could keep theirs. They are the one's who don't have any choice but to be there.

I think people prioritise differently on this subject, but it's worth bearing in mind that making decisions like the one above, to facilitate the adult children being able to stay at home in their old bedroom, isn't any less shocking to some than not having a room for them is to others.

You do sound like you can't stand the guy.

The room should be an office/guest room space, so if he genuinely needs or wants to stay he has his own space. Surely you could work elsewhere on the rare occasion.. coffee shop, another room, or just make it clear to him that it's your space 9-5 and can be his 5-9. You don't need it weekends so I can't see why it can't be his space then. I wfh too and have to do this on occasion if we have visitors or the neighbours are having building work done.

Your vibe towards him comes across so negative. I don't have kids but can put myself in his position and it would feel like you couldn't get rid of me quick enough.

And is it not possible to have an airbed in the other DCs room that comes 3 nights a week?

Not for long term visits, I totally get that but surely a DS should be allowed to stay over when he visits his DF on occasion? Particularly as he doesn't drive so otherwise your DH will have to drop him back to his DMs after any visit.

Yeah of course. But the question was more around regular visits like pre-uni. I wondered what the norm was.

Yeah of course. But the question was more around regular visits like pre-uni. I wondered what the norm was.

Except he wasn't welcome to stay at Christmas either.

Particularly as he doesn't drive so otherwise your DH will have to drop him back to his DMs after any visit.

'Have to'? Why can't he use public transport?

And he needs to get a job. Whichever parent he lives with, and whether or not he goes onto further study, at the age of 22 he needs to start behaving like an adult.

Presumably whatever grants or loans he has had up to now will stop; he will need to cover his personal expenses, even if he isn't expected to contribute to the housekeeping in whichever household he is living in.

Hold on op has confirmed she wasn't that poster.

You (not being the op in either) has confirmed it by psychic powers 🙄

She's posted numerous times, with numerous name changes, about the SS and her family set up.

I'm not psychic, but I can read.

Or is there more than one stepmother posting on MN?