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Original poster

Older stepkids - what's the norm?

159 replies

Floofydawg · 03/04/2023 06:52

My husband's eldest is about to finish his degree (has been studying in another city) and is talking about moving back to our city. Youngest is here 3 nights a week. Eldest is now 21 and I don't really want to get into the habit of splitting his time between houses again as it feels like I'll effectively have a grown man staying here and expecting to have everything done for him (he did nothing when he lived with us part time before). Plus we don't really have room for him any more.

He has a room at his mum's house across town and obviously DH would still see him, but I think he wants him to become a bit more independent.

What's the norm for adult stepkids in terms of contact time - do they continue splitting their time between houses? For how long?

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Ragwort · 03/04/2023 11:08

What does his father want? I feel sorry for the SS.

I have a 22 year old ... would I like a nice quiet, calm house ? Yes, actually it would be much more peaceful to live completely on my own but I made a decision to have a DH and a DS so we share a home.
They would probably prefer to live without me and enjoy 24/7 sport and beer on tap .... family life is all about compromise.

Original poster
Floofydawg · 03/04/2023 11:11

Why is there no longer space for him, out of interest? I think there's a bit of a difference between repurposing much needed space, and turning his room into something unnecessary.

His room has been turned into a very necessary space - I'd rather not say what as some posters would pick holes in it.

As for what his dad is saying about it, I think he'd like him to have more of a plan. Whilst some people have said we can't prevent him from continuing to study if that's his choice, we can (or his dad can) draw a line in the sand regarding what point he will be expected to try and support his self. We don't have unlimited funds.

OP posts:
Leftoverssandwich · 03/04/2023 11:13

I think it’s tricky for lots of parents, not just step, to navigate that adult child relationship, particularly if the child is used to living independently at university and then pinging back. As I’ve said, we are struggling to cope with ours coming back and essentially continuing to live like he does at university with a side of expecting to be catered for and cleaned around, and we need to sit down with him and work it through before we end up falling out with him quite badly. I can’t imagine we’re alone in that.

That’s different to not wanting a child home or thinking they need to stop studying. I think OP would really benefit from an open conversation about this with her stepson.

Nimbostratus100 · 03/04/2023 11:15

Floofydawg · 03/04/2023 11:11

Why is there no longer space for him, out of interest? I think there's a bit of a difference between repurposing much needed space, and turning his room into something unnecessary.

His room has been turned into a very necessary space - I'd rather not say what as some posters would pick holes in it.

As for what his dad is saying about it, I think he'd like him to have more of a plan. Whilst some people have said we can't prevent him from continuing to study if that's his choice, we can (or his dad can) draw a line in the sand regarding what point he will be expected to try and support his self. We don't have unlimited funds.

no, but you have a roof and four walls, and a emerging adult who needs it

aSofaNearYou · 03/04/2023 11:18

no, but you have a roof and four walls, and a emerging adult who needs

You don't know what their housing situation is and what they need that room for. They could well need it more than he needs a second bedroom for purely emotive reasons.

OriGanOver · 03/04/2023 11:23

I just can't imagine a 21/22 yr old doing the constact time rubbish.

My 17yr old doesn't do contact time with her dad. She sees him when she sees him, like how I visit my mum/family. There's no set in stone, running her back and forth.

Although I'm in the minority it seems that I'm not expecting dd to come back from uni and live with me unless she has a plan where she's saving up money. If she wanted to do post grad then she's going to have to fund that herself, whilst I may top her up it won't be me funding her to live at home, study and still act like a teenager! Glad I'm definitely not a step mum and having to give other dc what I'm not expecting to give my own!

Nimbostratus100 · 03/04/2023 11:27

aSofaNearYou · 03/04/2023 11:18

no, but you have a roof and four walls, and a emerging adult who needs

You don't know what their housing situation is and what they need that room for. They could well need it more than he needs a second bedroom for purely emotive reasons.

This is a young adult in the home of his father - of course his needs trump whatever new use has been dreamt up for his room

Original poster
Floofydawg · 03/04/2023 11:28

Just to add, my own adult child does not plan to come back from their uni town and I would probably feel the same about them coming back to live here permanently.

OP posts:
Original poster
Floofydawg · 03/04/2023 11:29

They don't though, @Nimbostratus100. That's really for us to decide depending on our personal circumstances. An adult does not need two bedrooms. He has a room at his mum's.

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 03/04/2023 11:30

Floofydawg · 03/04/2023 11:28

Just to add, my own adult child does not plan to come back from their uni town and I would probably feel the same about them coming back to live here permanently.

Bu you would presumably make them welcome if they needed to return to your home

Nimbostratus100 · 03/04/2023 11:32

Floofydawg · 03/04/2023 11:29

They don't though, @Nimbostratus100. That's really for us to decide depending on our personal circumstances. An adult does not need two bedrooms. He has a room at his mum's.

This is your husbands son, he is not yet independent, and he has a right to access to his fathers house. For the foreseeable future. I think you just need to accept that

aSofaNearYou · 03/04/2023 11:37

This is a young adult in the home of his father - of course his needs trump whatever new use has been dreamt up for his room

I disagree. Often younger siblings are sharing rooms until the eldest goes off to uni, and then they use the vacated room. Many people are WFH now that weren't previously and need a space.

His desire (not need, because whether you like it or not adults don't NEED a bedroom at their parents anymore - and that's even if they only have one parental home) for that second bedroom does not trump all potential other uses for that room. It might trump the more frivolous ones, but not everything.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 03/04/2023 11:44

Floofydawg · 03/04/2023 11:28

Just to add, my own adult child does not plan to come back from their uni town and I would probably feel the same about them coming back to live here permanently.

This is awful.

Whg would you not offer your adult dc a home?

OriGanOver · 03/04/2023 11:47

I must be such a terrible mother 😂 I've planned that when dd goes to uni ds will get her room as it's bigger and I'm turning ds bedroom into a guest room for when friends stay or a dressing room, dd will obviously be allowed to stay when she comes back for summer and Christmas but it won't be hers anymore.

A 22 yr old is an independent adult. The only way they wouldn't be is if they have learning difficulties or have been babied by their parents so they don't have to grow up. They don't need two bedrooms at different parents houses.

OP I hope you enjoy that room. I expect it's for something needed like a sibling or an office but I secretly wish you made it into something frivolous that makes you happy.

Original poster
Floofydawg · 03/04/2023 11:47

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow I didn't say I wouldn't offer them a home. I said I'd be apprehensive about living with a young adult again who has been used to being independent. Lots of posters here have said how problematic this can be. As it happens, it's not going to be required in my case.

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Original poster
Floofydawg · 03/04/2023 11:49

or have been babied by their parents so they don't have to grow up

There is definitely an element of this from his mum, which his dad is trying to balance out and encourage more independence.

OP posts:
Leftoverssandwich · 03/04/2023 11:58

It’s not always easy to balance an adult child with family needs. We need to move soon and buying a house with enough space for our adult son to have his own room will be significantly more expensive (and harder to find) than one in which he would be welcome to come and take over a space on an airbed whenever he wants. In this liminal space where kids are on the edge of leaving home, and there are pressing needs on space, how long should a family prioritise space for them? I think it’s a really difficult question for lots of families, particularly with the added pressure of work space being needed at home, or siblings sharing until the eldest leaves.

rookiemere · 03/04/2023 11:59

I think there's a difference between an adult being welcomed as an occasional visitor- sometimes overnight- at his DPs house, and living there.

I agree OP I wouldn't want an adult living with me but still expecting the trappings of childhood, so clothes washed and meals made, and I'll be making that very clear to DS should that situation arise post university.

I would however absolutely have a mattress of some description for him to sleep on and welcome him with open arms for a few nights at Christmas etc.

I hope it's only the former you don't want and not the latter.

AutumnCrow · 03/04/2023 12:02

So he's going to be entirely his mother's financial and emotional responsibility now? You get to re-purpose his bedroom, save money, save mental effort and time, and not have to worry about him being around your house?

At least you're honest about it, I suppose.

OriGanOver · 03/04/2023 12:07

He's not his mothers responsibility either. He's a grown adult, he's not just turned 18 either fgs

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 03/04/2023 12:12

OriGanOver · 03/04/2023 12:07

He's not his mothers responsibility either. He's a grown adult, he's not just turned 18 either fgs

Do you have adult children?

SeulementUneFois · 03/04/2023 12:14

OP
Prepare yourself as if him coming was a possibility.

Draw up a list of items / chores that he would need to follow: such as:

  • fair split of chores in the house
  • cooking dinner for all 1 or more times a week
  • not coming in late and waking up others.
  • gf/bf can only stay overnight x times per week
  • contribution to bills
  • he needs to clean his room at least say once a fortnight so it doesn't damage the room itself (like some teenagers would)
  • he needs to bring any cutlery, crockery downstairs from his room at least every 2 days
Etc etc.

Publicise this with your DH.
Then with DSS.
Be very clear about it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/04/2023 13:02

There’s a handful of posters on here who seem to think it’s okay for a 22 year old to have no plans to get a job, earn any money or pay towards his keep. It’s very odd.

thing47 · 03/04/2023 13:04

Often younger siblings are sharing rooms until the eldest goes off to uni, and then they use the vacated room. Many people are WFH now that weren't previously and need a space.

These are both very good reasons for changing a room's usage when a DC goes off to university, and I don't think many people would have any complaints if this was what has happened.

The fact that OP is not prepared to say how they are using the room makes me suspicious, however, as to what it is now being used for. In which case I am firmly in the@Nimbostratus100 camp so what DSS's former bedroom now is, is a crucial piece of information, which the OP is withholding.

@Floofydawg if DSS decides on further study he can take out a loan to cover the cost of the course itself, but what do you expect him to live on? If you're not giving him a home and you're not prepared (or able) to help with finances, how is he meant to afford rent? As I asked earlier, what is his field of study? It makes a big difference whether it is required or not.

Original poster
Floofydawg · 03/04/2023 13:07

@SeulementUneFois that would all be fair enough if he actually had a room here - he hasn't had for over 2 years.

OP posts: