Opinions on his ex please?

[Emilylouisex]

Hi me and DP have been together 4 years now and live together. I am a step mom to his 4 year old daughter who stays with us as my partners arrangement is pretty much 50/50. We live near DSD school so both weeknights and weekends are no issue.
DP relationship with his ex wife is extremely toxic, she CONSTANTLY threatens to take their daughter away if he does one thing to annoy her, and she gets very irate about money. She’s constantly asking for more and more child maintenance and when DP refuses it’s always the same that she’ll take his little girl away. He already pays for dance classes, clothes etc and we make a point of taking her clothes shopping at start of seasons, he also gives her 180 a month although as prev stated childcare is 50:50. It’s getting to a point where the threats are becoming more and more frequent and DP’s constantly bending over to accommodate her requests. Court has been mentioned several times over the past few years but now I feel it might be time to actually put it into action. A few months ago she threatened to relocate with his DD and not tell him where they’d moved to, basically kidnap her.
Also around Christmas time they had fell out via text on an evening when his daughter was with us and she turned up outside our home demanding his little girl be brought out the house and taken back with her as he had annoyed her.

His ex wife has another child on the way with her current partner so I have no idea why she’s so intent on causing so much drama, I would think she would be more focused on what’s going on in her life.

she’s really starting to affect our relationship, how would you go about this? Is the court the best way to go? DP is really starting to get concerned that she might actually take his DD out of his life.

@blackbeardsballsack Thank you! Yeah I feel the advice I’m trying to get is pretty straight forward I don’t know how it keep getting side tracked to irrelevant things 😂

That isn't true. It doesn't matter about income levels, nothing is due.

@Emilylouisex what do you hope to gain from going to court? They won't provide a list of what you each have to pay for and you don't want to reduce your time with your partner's daughter, so what are you hoping for? If a court were to impose an amount in an order to be paid each month, it can be challenged after a year through CMS anyway. I'm not sure what you expect the court to do? Aside from showing 50/50 really isn't working.

I’m confused as this is what it says on gov. Website

You will not have anything to pay through the Child Maintenance Service if you are:

• sharing care equally with the other parent

thing is, dp isn’t trying to cut her off completely he is still happy to pay the 180 it’s the constant asking for more or else his daughter won’t see him

OP tell your DP to do what @Cazs818 has already said this is:

1. Go to the CMS calculator and work out how much maintenance is due. CMS is calculated on how many overnights each parent has the child.
2. Take his ex to mediation and get a Parenting Plan agreed. There are resources online which he can Google which will help work out what to sort out in their Parenting Plan.
3. When and if his ex breaches the Parenting Plan then he needs to apply to Court for a Child Arrangements Order. Also if after 3 months of mediation sessions (or lack of sessions) there is no agreement then again take it to Court.

If he does the CMS calculation he can actually apply to them to do a proper assessment but as she decides to threaten him it is worth waiting until they have a Parenting Plan agreed in writing, or he has to take it to Court and got a Child Arrangements Order.

Most importantly your DP needs to put in place boundaries of when and how he communicates with his ex. So he needs to only respond if she asks a question and to confirm what the arrangements are for handovers for their child. He needs to be polite and business like in his responses to her.

@FlippyFloppyShoe we were under the impression that a court order would state set days that his daughter is with us so that his ex wife can’t dictate whether it is or isn’t happening depending on her mood

This. Get a grip. Usual anti stepmum insecure bollocks you find on here all the time 🙄

It means if he has 7 overnights in 14 days then he doesn't have to pay his ex child maintenance.

If you do the calculator it will show something as being due, but if she did it it would show as her having to pay as well. Nothing is payable with 50/50 care.

It can do it depends on how it is drafted.

However they need to go to mediation before going to Court to try and arrange a Parenting Plan.

A judge can actually send parents to mediation during hearings. My DP was sent to mediation while other parents we know weren't for a variety of reasons.

@Reugny this is so helpful! Thank you!

yes he’s always very polite to her even when she’s speaking down to him he remains calm and doesn’t give into any arguing etc. which is good

Oh and one bit advice my DP was given from other separated parents was that any verbal agreements should be followed up by a polite email confirming the agreement. Other forms of messaging can easily be altered/deleted.

Though my DP doesn't speak to his ex verbally due to the abuse she has given him and various people close to him over the years.

Yes it could specify set days but going to court does not imply a very healthy cooperative relationship. 50/50 is time split but if one person eg wants to send the daughter on a school trip/tutoring/clubs and the other refuses to contribute because it's not on 'their days' how is that fair on the child/parent whose days it falls on. I'm not sure that it will end your problems any more than what the other person has said about setting a limit or a list of extras you will go halves on and then keeping it business like.

You're wrong. The whole point of maintenance is to ensure you're funding your child's life equally. If she's with you half the time you have to pay for all the basic requirements of accommodation, utility bills, food, clothing etc.

I would advise only corresponding via email or message. That way its documented, but I have found my ex is alot less likely to be aggressive over email.
He would often threaten to take me to court, in the end we had mediation and together wrote down a list of guidelines we would like the other to follow
It's not perfect, but it's alot better than it was. I also try really hard (and sometimes it's really hard) not to speak negatively about his dad to my son.
I also think if you find yourself really wound up, it's a good idea to draft a reply, and them edit it before sending it the following day. A friend said it's really important to always keep it fact based, initially I'd get her to proof read it and take out anything emotional. Because that would always be what he would cling to and throw back at me.
I wonder if in a few years, she will have a new ex and won't be quite so angry at your DP

Don't be so pedantic

That's what happens when parents split up and don't agree.

The Court will not force a parent to pay for dancing (or whatever) lessons or take them to dancing lessons in their time with the child just because the other parent wants it.

Generally (apart from my DP) the separated parents we know have common interests/hobbies so when their child or children wants to do a hobby the other parent facilitates it in their time as well.

@lucy6058 probably because your ex knows through work or otherwise that emails can be documents that are admissible in Court.

Oh and well done on being a grown up.

If a separated parent doesn't contribute to their child education irrespective of what day it falls on, then they should reconsider what it means to be a parent. You may only have your child part time, it doesn't mean you are a part time parent.

I thought if access is 50/50 maintenance is not usually paid. Reading the OPs post I thought it sounded pretty fair.
He sounds like a pretty responsible father.
I think he should go to the Courts as she is being so unreasonable about access and money plus threatening to move away with the child.
A horrible situation for you.

Who said anything about education?

Nobody needs dance lessons

Maintenance when 50/50 totally depends on the income involved. There’s no automatic zero award

Parents are allowed to have different ideas of what is educational from one another.

For example one parent may thing that dancing is great aerobic and creative exercise while the other may think it leads to eating disorders. Just because one parent wants their child to do it in their time it doesn't mean the other parents views and choices aren't valid.

Evidence?

Because this is absolutely not true.