Opinions on his ex please?

[Emilylouisex]

Hi me and DP have been together 4 years now and live together. I am a step mom to his 4 year old daughter who stays with us as my partners arrangement is pretty much 50/50. We live near DSD school so both weeknights and weekends are no issue.
DP relationship with his ex wife is extremely toxic, she CONSTANTLY threatens to take their daughter away if he does one thing to annoy her, and she gets very irate about money. She’s constantly asking for more and more child maintenance and when DP refuses it’s always the same that she’ll take his little girl away. He already pays for dance classes, clothes etc and we make a point of taking her clothes shopping at start of seasons, he also gives her 180 a month although as prev stated childcare is 50:50. It’s getting to a point where the threats are becoming more and more frequent and DP’s constantly bending over to accommodate her requests. Court has been mentioned several times over the past few years but now I feel it might be time to actually put it into action. A few months ago she threatened to relocate with his DD and not tell him where they’d moved to, basically kidnap her.
Also around Christmas time they had fell out via text on an evening when his daughter was with us and she turned up outside our home demanding his little girl be brought out the house and taken back with her as he had annoyed her.

His ex wife has another child on the way with her current partner so I have no idea why she’s so intent on causing so much drama, I would think she would be more focused on what’s going on in her life.

she’s really starting to affect our relationship, how would you go about this? Is the court the best way to go? DP is really starting to get concerned that she might actually take his DD out of his life.

Dance lessons are educational.

I had them at primary and secondary school plus I know the secondary schools around me still do them.

E.g. My DH's ex wants to sign the kids up to something pretty much every day of the week. DH is willing to pay for half of two extracurricular activities. That's still not enough for her.

And this is where 50/50 doesn't work as it limits the child which is not the point of 50/50 as it is supposed to support the child equally between households and the supposition is that you can do that without limiting the child by saying 'im not paying for that/doing that on my time'

@Fluffodils but what does the child want to do?

And in the same way, the mum should be paying for half the cost of the dancing lessons. Why are men always in the wrong on MN?

Missing the point of the thread here, but don’t you have to be married to be a step mum to his child??

@Macaroni46 this is what I’m saying, he pays for basically everything, gives her money on top and shares her 50;50!

But the original point was basically her constantly threatening to take his daughter away over the slightest upset

@Livelovebehappy already addressed this.

I hate to tell you @Emilylouisex but just because you might get a CAO doesn't mean that it will be adhered to but I don't get why people think a court would try and force 50/50 when it isn't working already but maybe that is just my experience of court. I wish you luck in getting the situation de-escalated as it sound like your DP is at least contributing towards some shared costs but whether that is fair who knows. I think I would get the prohibited steps order though if they are threatening to move...but honestly imo I would communicate via a messaging app and try and de-escalate.

@FlippyFloppyShoe ohh okay so does nothing happen if you don’t adhere to it? Genuinely curious as we both know nothing of the process and have tried to avoid it to be honest

as it sound like your DP is at least contributing towards some shared costs but whether that is fair who knows.

What do you mean? He has his daughter 50% of the time, pays for clothes, activities etc, AND gives her mum £180. 'At least contributing' - what do YOU think he should be doing?

In your OP you state that contact is "pretty much 50 /50". Does this mean
actually 50/50, or nearly?

The Order can be enforced. It wouldn't look good for mum if she just kept breaching it.

Well I don't know because I don't know what their shared costs are and the amount is not the issue, it's the communication and negotiation.

@Cloverforever it’s 50/50

Hi OP

I have years of experience of being in the situation you find yourself in so I wanted to share some things I wish I'd known at the beginning.

Women who are prepared to use their children as weapons to control or hurt their ex cannot be reasoned with and will never change.

Don't seek her approval or thanks, you will never get it. Her response will be the same whether you give her the world or if you give her nothing. It will never be enough for her.

A lot of women plead poverty despite a lot of financial support and you will never know the truth.

Don't go above and beyond. Don't give her the benefit of the doubt. Don't try to make the abuse stop by giving her more and more. Don't think the child will love, respect, appreciate you more if you give the ex more and have less for yourself. Children don't care about money exchange that goes on behind the scenes. All they see is mum being generous with money and dad having to scrimp and save. Over years this gives them a skewed idea of how much dad has or hasn't done for them.

If the ex isn't willing to communicate reasonably and without being abusive then the best thing to do is shut down all requests and let her know in no uncertain terms she is wasting her time even asking. Don't let the child relay messages. She will try as the child gets older.

You know if you are being fair and reasonable. Don't question or second guess your decisions. Do right by your step daughter and make some precious memories together as a family. Prioritise peace in your own home and create a loving, safe environment where she knows she is always welcome and loved.

Be kind to yourself. Very few people understand how stressful this ongoing conflict is and it's not easy to extract yourself from it.

I wish you all the best 👍

@Ruth58d what you said (but with the prohibited steps)

@Hintofreality. When I was going through child custody issues, not one but two judges had strong words on record about ex husbands partner being referred to as Step Parent. Literally quoted what you said

Totally agree. As long as both parents want dance lessons

Get to mediation asap.

If she declines, go to court.

Clear boundaries are better for all involved.

In our courtcase the judge did order ex to take the children to activities XYZ.
It was decided as said activities were done pre-split it was reasonable that ex did not refuse to take them 'on his time'...
So it's bound by court order that ex takes them....seems fair to me. It's only the kids who miss out otherwise, no child can do an activity if they can only go 50% of the time.

When number of nights is exactly 50/50 CMS and the receiving parent will sometimes try to still say maintenance is due as they have more 'day to day care'. It's a misconception that things are based purely just on nights and this is often the cause of a battle whereby it's as close to 50/50 but not quite. It's a long story but my husbands ex tried to make a play for having CMS based in my wage after 10 years so a lengthy tribunal process happened. He was as close to 50/50 as you can get but not quite this was used as a stick to beat him eith to make demands and threats. He requested they looks at shared day to day care. He didn't get it but what was interesting is that this was only based on the fact she takes his son to the dentist (not because he won't but because she is territorial over dental and medical obviously for this reason - legally informed). So they recognised that despite her having two overnights per month more than him besides dental he was providing as much care. The reason why I bring this up is because it may well be that no CMS is due for yourselves but be aware CMS may try to say otherwise and you may need to get all the way to tribunal stage for this to be acknowledged.

It's tempting to just give into demands to avoid him having his children withheld but after 12 years of what I've witnessed I second others. Get it all done via court. Being held hostage will negatively impact everyone and will influence the children xx
Good luck xx

but I don't get why people think a court would try and force 50/50 when it isn't working already but maybe that is just my experience of court

My experience of court was that it wasn’t until court, that Mum realised she couldn’t just threaten to whip the kids away because she didn’t like whatever it was this week, or she couldn’t send through tirades of emotional abuse because she was miserable.

It was not just about the piece of paper, it is the act of overcoming someone who perpetually thinks they have a hold over you, that they can sucker you into doing what you want, and it’s about teaching adults, Mums or Dads that it is okay to have high boundaries and stick to them.

That’s why a child arrangement order did for us.

@leopardprintismyfavourite this is it! You summed it up perfectly

Go to court and get a court order for 50/50. End of drama.