Opinions on his ex please?

[Emilylouisex]

Hi me and DP have been together 4 years now and live together. I am a step mom to his 4 year old daughter who stays with us as my partners arrangement is pretty much 50/50. We live near DSD school so both weeknights and weekends are no issue.
DP relationship with his ex wife is extremely toxic, she CONSTANTLY threatens to take their daughter away if he does one thing to annoy her, and she gets very irate about money. She’s constantly asking for more and more child maintenance and when DP refuses it’s always the same that she’ll take his little girl away. He already pays for dance classes, clothes etc and we make a point of taking her clothes shopping at start of seasons, he also gives her 180 a month although as prev stated childcare is 50:50. It’s getting to a point where the threats are becoming more and more frequent and DP’s constantly bending over to accommodate her requests. Court has been mentioned several times over the past few years but now I feel it might be time to actually put it into action. A few months ago she threatened to relocate with his DD and not tell him where they’d moved to, basically kidnap her.
Also around Christmas time they had fell out via text on an evening when his daughter was with us and she turned up outside our home demanding his little girl be brought out the house and taken back with her as he had annoyed her.

His ex wife has another child on the way with her current partner so I have no idea why she’s so intent on causing so much drama, I would think she would be more focused on what’s going on in her life.

she’s really starting to affect our relationship, how would you go about this? Is the court the best way to go? DP is really starting to get concerned that she might actually take his DD out of his life.

Call her bluff go to court and get this all sorted once and for all. Keep all messages etc

👏

After a certain point “my boyfriends kids” starts sounding a bit othering.

@Fluffodils

"Totally agree. As long as both parents want dance lessons."

Also agreed.

Or if only one parent wants the DC to have them, they pay for them solely.

It's not about the parents! If you can afford it and your child shows an interest in something why wouldn't you support them doing outside activities, they maybe the next Olympian or chess master or actor but especially when children are young trying lots of different activities to find what they click with is the norm especially between 4-11 I when they are not afraid to give things a go.

In that case he should go to court. She's being entirely unreasonable.

She sounds like a nightmare. Great advice from @Ruth58d and @leopardprintismyfavourite and others. Remove the power and hopefully she will get bored.

And ignore the trolling comments some posters. They can’t help themselves.

The agreement is 50:550 he shouldn’t pay a penny to her , what makes you think he doesn’t buy her uniforms and clothes? the mum has a partner as well and she’s currently pregnant, have you not read the thread properly? keep blowing the “ poor single mum” trumpet

50:50

The more I read from you OP the more I think you might need to back off a bit. Let your DP deal with this. Don't get so involved. It'll only heighten tensions I think.

@mumyes I am slightly involved whether I like it or not, this affects our relationship as it’s a constant, ongoing issue. I’ve presented DP with thoughts and opinions from posters in the thread who’ve experienced similar. He has found this helpful. I don’t really think helping my DP is interfering personally 🤷🏼‍♀️

I haven’t RTT but some exes just can’t be reasoned with. They think they know best and always will. Disengage, disengage, disengage. Things might get better - DHs ex met some poor bastard who took her on and still banged on for years despite claiming to be ‘so over it’!

OP I could have written this. It’s good that your DP is willing to consider going to court (mine isn’t keen, but thankfully things have settled down a little).

She is also pregnant with someone else’s child. Makes you wonder why they are so obsessed over what their ex is doing. Also makes you wonder what their current partner must think, and why on earth they would want a child with them knowing the way they use them as a weapon! But, each to their own.

It’s great that your DP is handling things calmly, this will really go in his favour. And if she carries on like this it may be seen that their DD is better off with dad as primary carer!

Your poor SD having to come and ask you for money, it’s truly awful to put a child of any age in that situation but at 4 years old!

My DH and his ex had a verbal 50/50 arrangement. She wanted to make changes that DH didn't agree were in the best interests of his DD so the ex refused access for 2 months. He had to get lawyers involved and they went to mediation and eventually got a legal agreement in place. Since then there have been no issues with access. It's crucial your DP gets a formal agreement in place if she is threatening to withhold access to his DD. Make sure it covers everything including birthdays and Christmas.

With regards to the threats etc. He needs to block her on everything and communicate via email only. I'd recommend setting up a separate email for her only, one that he doesn't get constant notifications for so he can check it in his own time. He shouldn't reply to anything that doesn't merit a response.

Get a ring doorbell. If she turns up at the house when it's his time with DD ignore her.

You can't control how someone else behaves but you can out boundaries in place to protect yourself from it. Your DP needs to stop entertaining her. She'll get bored eventually.

totally agree with you. 180 pounds is nothing...