Opinions on his ex please?

[Emilylouisex]

Hi me and DP have been together 4 years now and live together. I am a step mom to his 4 year old daughter who stays with us as my partners arrangement is pretty much 50/50. We live near DSD school so both weeknights and weekends are no issue.
DP relationship with his ex wife is extremely toxic, she CONSTANTLY threatens to take their daughter away if he does one thing to annoy her, and she gets very irate about money. She’s constantly asking for more and more child maintenance and when DP refuses it’s always the same that she’ll take his little girl away. He already pays for dance classes, clothes etc and we make a point of taking her clothes shopping at start of seasons, he also gives her 180 a month although as prev stated childcare is 50:50. It’s getting to a point where the threats are becoming more and more frequent and DP’s constantly bending over to accommodate her requests. Court has been mentioned several times over the past few years but now I feel it might be time to actually put it into action. A few months ago she threatened to relocate with his DD and not tell him where they’d moved to, basically kidnap her.
Also around Christmas time they had fell out via text on an evening when his daughter was with us and she turned up outside our home demanding his little girl be brought out the house and taken back with her as he had annoyed her.

His ex wife has another child on the way with her current partner so I have no idea why she’s so intent on causing so much drama, I would think she would be more focused on what’s going on in her life.

she’s really starting to affect our relationship, how would you go about this? Is the court the best way to go? DP is really starting to get concerned that she might actually take his DD out of his life.

He should go to court and get the access order sorted out formally.

Also check with CMS. 50/50 does not, as commonly said on here, automatically mean nothing due. It depends on income levels.

Okay yeah thanks for the advice, I was thinking court may the only option…

it’s just a shame it can’t be amicable but now I know what to suggest to DP and a bit more of the process as he feels a little lost and unsure about next steps. It’s complete bullying on her part.

Yes unfortunately she is weaponising the contact time. Which won't go down well in court. She's forgotten there is a child at the centre of this.

I'd stop paying the CM and use it to apply for a court order.

Bless the DD poor little flower came to me a few weeks ago saying her mother had told her to ask me for more money, this is a 4 year old! It’s vile

The cheek! My DSD said her mum had told her to ask me how much my engagement ring was! It's so cheeky.

Absolutely take this to court. Keep texts and records of ex threatening to withhold contact. Courts will take a dim view.

They have the child 50;50 so usually no maintenance and ex has a new partner.

50/50 doesn’t automatically mean you don’t pay child maintenance, you have to demonstrate you take shared care and responsibility for the child, for example medical, dental and school appointments.

court have very little interest in financial arrangement, but if the threats of withholding contact are escalating I would formalise the child arrangements.

She will either calm down, or she won’t. But in my experience the threats only stop when they realise you won’t give in to their way.

Yes definitely made sure to keep all the messages! It’s not even just money that makes her act this way sometimes she gets annoyed about my existence and that can be the catalyst

Well when she is saying bizarre things like that are you sure the child is his? And not the product of her affair?

@leopardprintismyfavourite they both take her to any appointments he’s been to the hospital with her as she had an ear infection the other week, took her to the dentist only a few months ago he does the fair share but I’m trying to think of how this could be demonstrated as there’s no proof 🤔

@Quitelikeit i wouldn’t put it past her other than the fact it’s been confirmed and daughter is the image of him

Your DP should just go to court to stop the ridiculous game playing

You are not her Step Mother, you are her Dad’s partner.

@Fluffodils that’s so cheeky! Getting the children involved is just not okay!

and @SpecialControlGroup yeah that’s definitely the route we are thinking now, he was just initially concerned as you always hear things like the courts favour the mother etc and thought he might end up seeing less of her. Which I understand however can’t allow this madness to go on

Oh give over.

Grow up.

She's living with the the child's father, theyve been together years. Nothing wrong with using step parent terminology.

@JustFrustrated Thank you! 😂 I can’t believe after everything I’ve said that’s the one thing that is commented on, who cares! that’s how she sees me so that’s what I’ll go by

50/50 care involves a fair amount of negotiation about who does what when and who pays for what, who shops for it etc you are going to have to expect constant requests for money about cost for child so maybe 50/50 isn't working.

He doesn’t have to pay a penny if he has 50/50 as he is already meeting 50% of the childs needs!

hmmm…I did 50/50 in the early days of separation. What that actually meant was I paid for all childcare, all school uniform, all activities, school dinners, coats, shoes, all incidentals (birthday presents, charity days, etc etc). It was also me who did all doctor’s appointments, consultants appointments (one child with a disability), dentist, haircuts, picking up if the school,phoned and sick days… so what that meant in reality is the ex fed the child half the time for 2 out of 3 daily meals and usually (not always) did the school pick up on his days. He went on holiday regularly with no notice, hence I had no choice but to pay for full time childcare (which he used) to keep the space open for when I needed it.

I am sorry but 50/50 does not always mean that a parent is meeting 50% of child related costs, nor does it always mean that there is a fair distribution of parenting tasks.

Just no need. I don't know why step mothers bother posting on here because they get absolutely dragged no matter what the situation is.

This poster is having a go because the OP has dared to call the child her step daughter, another poster is having a go about the amount of maintenance despite the 50-50 care arrangement, someone questioned whether the OP was the other woman and when OP responded explaining why the relationship ended someone else told her that this is irrelevant....it's crazy.

If I were your DP I would stop paying maintenance, and make a court application asap.

50/50 does not automatically mean no maintenance due.

This is said constantly on here and it’s not true. It depends entirely on salary.

I'd guess what the OP is looking for is confirmation that the ex is a psychobitch and she's justified in her criticism.

Not your circus, OP. The relationship with the ex is for your DP to manage. Keep out of it.

CMS is separate from a Court Order however the Court Order will influence CMS so no he shoudn't stop paying.

@Cazziebo No.. please don’t assume my reasonings. It is simply to know if it’s worth going down the court route by people who may have experienced similar. You clearly have never been in this situation since you’re telling me to stay out of it, that’s impossible 😂 so please leave if u have no useful input.