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Step-parenting

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Original poster

OH wants me to go out

160 replies

spellingtest · 21/03/2023 22:27

Hi all
My stepdaughter doesn't like me (known her 10 years she is teenager now) and OH feels she can't come downstairs when I am here. My OH has asked me to go out some evenings to allow her to spend time with her. My children will be here, just not me.
Do you think this is a fair request?

OP posts:
KalvinPhillipsBoots · 22/03/2023 08:23

arethereanyleftatall · 22/03/2023 07:26

A lot of this particular case sounds ridiculous, the traipsing up and down the stairs etc, but, but, but, I'm on the other side here - as the mother of a teenage girl who absolutely hates her fathers girlfriend. Various reasons all of them valid- ow for a start. (So could be totally different to your scenario op!) she will never ever like her so there's no point trying.
It is really jeopardising her, fabulous, relationship with her father - and my thoughts are - couldn't you just accept what it is, go out, enjoy the evening out, make it win win. Not all the time of course, but as it seems to be perfectly feasible for you, why not.

Why should she?

Floofydawg · 22/03/2023 08:23

@FishChipsMushyPeas oh sorry yes, misread it. But still, my point stands.

FishChipsMushyPeas · 22/03/2023 08:25

Floofydawg · 22/03/2023 08:23

@FishChipsMushyPeas oh sorry yes, misread it. But still, my point stands.

It does. It sounds like an absolute nightmare to be honest. Fancy basically saying to your partner, 'you're the problem here'. Awful.

THisbackwithavengeance · 22/03/2023 08:28

The issue is not whether or not you leave your own home to accommodate this request (you shouldn't).

It's the fact that someone who lives with you 50% of the time apparently hates you so much that they won't even be in the same room as you. That's unsustainable. Does it not worry you or your DP that this is the case and has no-one asked her why or offered any mediation?

She doesn't have to love you or think you are the best thing since sliced bread but she should have some kind of friendly or at least cordial relationship with you otherwise this is just not going to work.

Have you considered family counselling?

Snugglemonkey · 22/03/2023 08:30

spellingtest · 21/03/2023 22:42

He does take her out but he wants to spend evenings together watching a film. I have suggested I am in another room but he feels she won't come down if I'm in the house.
I'm happy to try it but if it's a success then I fear it will become a more frequent thing and I will be expected to go out regularly. Occasionally is absolutely fine and it's lovely for them to spend time together, however the need for me to actually go out is irritating me.

Show quote history

I do not think this is sustainable. Have you tried family therapy?

CwmYoy · 22/03/2023 08:30

Do not give in to this. It's time he put his foot down with the child behaving like a brat. Ridiculous.

SquidwardBound · 22/03/2023 08:30

FishChipsMushyPeas · 22/03/2023 08:25

It does. It sounds like an absolute nightmare to be honest. Fancy basically saying to your partner, 'you're the problem here'. Awful.

Show quote history

And making it clear to your DD that it’s fine to treat your partner as a problem and to ostracise her too.

whateverwillbewillbewontit · 22/03/2023 08:32

Gosh, I wish someone would wait on me like that hand and foot! How is it ever going to get any better if she doesn't even try to engage with you? As she gets older she's going to learn that you can't just block everyone you don't like. Sometimes you'll have to work with annoying colleagues or have to deal with other humans who irritate you in some way.

The only way through it is the tough way. Your DP will have to stick up for you and say 'no more meals in bedrooms. You have to eat a meal at the table or in the room with the rest of the family'. WW3 might well break out but WW3 will break out if you continue on this path too.

GoodnightJude1 · 22/03/2023 08:32

There is no way on this earth I would be leaving my house at the request of an over indulged, stroppy child.
Your OH needs to stop dancing in attendance. She wants food? She comes downstairs and eats it with everyone else. She wants to watch a film with her dad? Fine, watch it together upstairs.
Once you agree to leave the house to suit her you will be gradually pushed further and further out. What example is that setting for your DC? How is it fair that 2/3 times a week you’re not around if you’re DC want/need you?

I think you all need to sit down and get to the root of the issue or it’s going to become unbearable (if it isn’t already)

Snugglemonkey · 22/03/2023 08:32

spellingtest · 21/03/2023 22:55

Originally his home but been together 10 years. OH takes all her meals to her and she eats them in her bed. Always has done. He's up and down stairs 20 times an evening! She will message him with her requests

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Wow. This is ridiculous. He has created a monster.

Floofydawg · 22/03/2023 08:33

Just as a comparison, I know my SS likes to spend time alone with his dad. I think he's slightly intimidated by me because I'm very different to his mum. So they watch a film together and I watch TV in the other room. Or some evenings I go to the gym. But never once has it been suggested that I leave my own house so that they can be alone, and there is no eating of meals in bedrooms.

thegirlyupnorth · 22/03/2023 08:33

Firstly your house your rules and absolutely no she doesn't rule a house she only lives in half the time. Fathers guilt is allowing his judgment to be affected. I'd be having a frank conversation about this and saying she has to put up with it.

GandhiDeclaredWarOnYou · 22/03/2023 08:33

This is insane. I can’t believe you’ve put up with this for 10 years.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 22/03/2023 08:35

I was swinging between 'yes, go out, get a hobby on a weekly basis' to 'hell no'

Has she said to him that she wants to come downstairs and watch a film with her df, or is your dp being a lazy fucker and sees it as an opportunity to stop pandering to her every whim and not have to go upstairs 20 times a night?

I'm still leaning towards 'hell no' as I think your dp has a lot of do with the dynamic and he's just looking for an easy life rather than addressing the underlying issue

Parky04 · 22/03/2023 08:36

thegirlyupnorth · 22/03/2023 08:33

Firstly your house your rules and absolutely no she doesn't rule a house she only lives in half the time. Fathers guilt is allowing his judgment to be affected. I'd be having a frank conversation about this and saying she has to put up with it.

It isn't her house. She could be asked to leave at anytime!

2chocolateoranges · 22/03/2023 08:36

Wow he takes her food to her and she texts requests that he takes to her and now he wants you out so she can come down stairs! Put your foot down now, if she wants to see her dad then she comes and acts like she wants to be there rather than hiding in her room. She either wants to be part of the family or she stays with her mum .

pandering to a teenager is a dangerous road

StopStartStop · 22/03/2023 08:36

No.
Do not be sent out of your own home by any child.

strawberry2017 · 22/03/2023 08:38

Instead of pandering to her he needs to parent her. She's going to be a horrible adult if she continues like this.
Do not leave your home. He needs to be resolving things not helping her act like this!

Slimjimtobe · 22/03/2023 08:39

I would leave your dh for putting you in this suituation

its only the start of it - where will it end ?

ArcticSkewer · 22/03/2023 08:40

Wouldn't you all have been better off living separately and dating?
She's obviously held a lot of anger over you and other children getting 100% of his time while she gets 50% which is then diluted by you all being there.
His selfish choices are leading to this. What a pathetic solution as well.
Why not just move out?

MuddyFeet01 · 22/03/2023 08:44

I don’t know how you can live like that. The dynamic in the house must be horrible for everyone.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 22/03/2023 08:45

ArcticSkewer · 22/03/2023 08:40

Wouldn't you all have been better off living separately and dating?
She's obviously held a lot of anger over you and other children getting 100% of his time while she gets 50% which is then diluted by you all being there.
His selfish choices are leading to this. What a pathetic solution as well.
Why not just move out?

There been together 10 years how about she just grows the fuck up.

viques · 22/03/2023 08:49

She is trying it on, hitting your OHs guilt button. If you give into this it could escalate.

-she won’t eat food you have cooked.

-she won’t drink from a glass you could have drunk from in the past.

-she won’t sit on the sofa you could have sat on.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 22/03/2023 08:52

Honestly, I’d leave. This will never get better, she is holding all the cards and her father’s only solution is to push further back on you.

This is not a good relationship. This is also a terrible model for your children. You and they deserve much better.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 22/03/2023 08:53

Says a lot that the last partner left because of his children’s attitudes. He had zero intention of actually doing anything about them.