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Step-parenting

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Original poster

OH wants me to go out

160 replies

spellingtest · 21/03/2023 22:27

Hi all
My stepdaughter doesn't like me (known her 10 years she is teenager now) and OH feels she can't come downstairs when I am here. My OH has asked me to go out some evenings to allow her to spend time with her. My children will be here, just not me.
Do you think this is a fair request?

OP posts:
BeesOnLavender · 21/03/2023 23:10

Remind him it is your home too. He's shirking his parenting responsibility. Easier to banish you from your home than to address his DD behaviour. Lazy AF. No wonder you're annoyed.

TwinsAndTiramisu · 21/03/2023 23:12

spellingtest · 21/03/2023 22:55

Originally his home but been together 10 years. OH takes all her meals to her and she eats them in her bed. Always has done. He's up and down stairs 20 times an evening! She will message him with her requests

Show quote history

And there is your problem right there.

Princess DD having every wish granted by DP. What the hell is he doing running upstairs with food when she sends a text demand??

InternetRandom · 21/03/2023 23:28

Offer him a trade. You'll go out once a week the weeks she is there. After three goes, on Sunday she comes down and eats with everyone. She doesn't have to talk or answer questions, just be there. Won't happen though

HeddaGarbled · 21/03/2023 23:35

OH takes all her meals to her and she eats them in her bed. Always has done. He's up and down stairs 20 times an evening! She will message him with her requests

Bloody ridiculous. The man’s a fool and she’s flexing her powers. This is her next request. Comply with this one and who knows what her next one will be.

Quitelikeacatslife · 21/03/2023 23:43

I'd say ok, I'll go out one night, next night she eats at table , as PP said, don't need to be all fake , just present and not in room , then next night back to room, next night you'll go out etc , alternate for a week or so get into new routine . She needs to give you a break and get to know you . He is totally princessing her

Fluffodils · 22/03/2023 06:15

Oh my goodness me. No you shouldn't leave your house and no he shouldn't be her slave!

Floofydawg · 22/03/2023 06:34

Sorry but he needs to tell her that she at the very least eats her meals downstairs like a normal person. He's completely pandering to her.

Not sure I could live like this and she's only 10 - imagine how many more years of this you could have.

Lesvacances · 22/03/2023 06:39

Your oh needs to start parenting. His dd is being ridiculous.

Nimbostratus100 · 22/03/2023 06:39

wow! how ridiculous! no, I wouldnt leave my home or be happy with a stepdaughter being fed in bed

D0t · 22/03/2023 06:41

find an hours exercise class (yoga?) just because it might be nice to do something for yourself. I’d be intrigued to find out if she does come downstairs when you’re out. I think it’s unlikely to be honest. My money is in her staying in her room wether you’re in or out.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 22/03/2023 06:44

No chance. It’s your home.

She sounds like a nightmare but why do parents pander to their children like this? It only results in them ending up one way, and that’s to the child’s own detriment in the end.

I’d be rethinking the whole relationship, tbh.

Stayinsidetheline · 22/03/2023 06:45

But what happens after you agree to this request? What will she demand next?!

LivingDeadGirlUK · 22/03/2023 06:46

BeesOnLavender · 21/03/2023 23:10

Remind him it is your home too. He's shirking his parenting responsibility. Easier to banish you from your home than to address his DD behaviour. Lazy AF. No wonder you're annoyed.

I agree with this. Absolutely ridiculous behaviour from him to pander to this. He needs to sort this out without expecting you to leave your home. If he doesn't its just going to make her feel she can dictate more and more.

Justleaveitblankthen · 22/03/2023 06:49

Not exactly the point of the thread and sorry to be nosy, but as you aren't married, are you protected financially in the event of anything happening to your OH? 🤔

I would be careful with Madame as she gets older..

FUSoftPlay · 22/03/2023 06:49

I wouldn’t be dictated to in my own home because of the whims of a teenager.

Your DH is indulging her. He should be working to get her comfortable in the home not just throw you out.

Also interested in whether his plan is to isolate himself snd DSD from your kids so they are excluded whilst you’re not there too - how old are your children.

MushMonster · 22/03/2023 06:58

I think they do need to spend time on their own and reinforce that bond, but it is not fair to ask you to leave the house, especially since you have children there.
But I would try to accomodate some time for them. Like going out shopping in the evening, with my other children. If you have her on weekends, you can go to town or other place and split, he with her and you with your children, then meet up at a set time and place?
But... I would not leave my children with them. It may help her to reflect if she sees that you and her step-siblings come on a tight package.

Maxiedog123 · 22/03/2023 07:02

I am sorry for you, this is a ridiculous situation. How long have you lived together and how long has he been taking meals upstairs?

GoodChat · 22/03/2023 07:10

Out of curiosity, how old is your youngest? Do they have a friendly relationship?

maddy68 · 22/03/2023 07:14

Dont you go out for dinner with friends sometimes ? Be good for you to take advantage of this opportunity and have some fun. Sounds bloody miserable

She sounds a jealous teen. She wants her dad ri herself (understandable I remember feeling like that too when I was that age )

Have you asked her to go for a coffee and a chat. Be very calm and really listen to her concerns

She wants her family back she needs reassurance that you haven't replaced her that her dad loves her just as much but this is your home too.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/03/2023 07:18

They do need some time together. As you wfh, you are omnipresent so going out once a week would be good and he can do the same.

Just because his dd is now able to vocalise how she feels, it doesn’t mean she wasn’t upset at you moving in with your children 10 years ago. Or it could be a phase with your dsd mad at the world and taking it out on you. How did you used to get on?

This is your future. Are you sure that’s what you want? Is it what he wants? My dd would come first. I’d be in family therapy or have a child psychologist on board by now. You seem to be in a precarious position as you’re not married. What are your options for moving out?

arethereanyleftatall · 22/03/2023 07:26

A lot of this particular case sounds ridiculous, the traipsing up and down the stairs etc, but, but, but, I'm on the other side here - as the mother of a teenage girl who absolutely hates her fathers girlfriend. Various reasons all of them valid- ow for a start. (So could be totally different to your scenario op!) she will never ever like her so there's no point trying.
It is really jeopardising her, fabulous, relationship with her father - and my thoughts are - couldn't you just accept what it is, go out, enjoy the evening out, make it win win. Not all the time of course, but as it seems to be perfectly feasible for you, why not.

user1492757084 · 22/03/2023 07:33

Try it.
Also try coming home before film finished some times but going into another room. Gradually the child might get used to you being in the same floor of the house.
But make sure you enjoy the night out.
Take one of your kids out sometimes so shy child can clearly see them choosing your company.
Your partner needs to gradually cut down on the food runs up stairs too. There is no reason for daughter to learn to come down. If he delivers food twice per day she might get hungry enough to be make food in kitchen and learn to come down.
Sometimes perhaps you can deliver food to the outside of her door, or her step siblings could- just to break up routine.
Her behaviour is being cemented and rewarded.
How does she know that you are there always?

19lottie82 · 22/03/2023 07:36

Fuck that. She doesn’t have to like you, but if you’ve genuinely done nothing wrong then she needs to show you some basic respect if she wants to stay on your home. And your husband needs to back you up on that.

Merlinsbeard83 · 22/03/2023 07:38

You have no idea why she doesn't like you? And it's been 10 years? Does your dh know the reasons why she dislikes you? Has he discussed it with her ?

BovrilonToast · 22/03/2023 07:38

19lottie82 · 22/03/2023 07:36

Fuck that. She doesn’t have to like you, but if you’ve genuinely done nothing wrong then she needs to show you some basic respect if she wants to stay on your home. And your husband needs to back you up on that.

This

That was my first thought. Fuck that!