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Step-parenting

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Original poster

OH wants me to go out

160 replies

spellingtest · 21/03/2023 22:27

Hi all
My stepdaughter doesn't like me (known her 10 years she is teenager now) and OH feels she can't come downstairs when I am here. My OH has asked me to go out some evenings to allow her to spend time with her. My children will be here, just not me.
Do you think this is a fair request?

OP posts:
Tess3 · 22/03/2023 08:55

No way would I be leaving my home for this. He has made a rod for his own back with all the pandering to her, and his request is now absolutely unacceptable.

I would be telling him he needs to grow a back bone and put his daughter straight, she needs to grow up.

ArcticSkewer · 22/03/2023 08:58

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 22/03/2023 08:45

There been together 10 years how about she just grows the fuck up.

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Yes, so op has already exposed her children to this for ten years. I guess you mean there's no point bailing now? Sunk cost fallacy.

SquidwardBound · 22/03/2023 09:01

Parky04 · 22/03/2023 08:36

It isn't her house. She could be asked to leave at anytime!

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What makes you think it’s not the OP’s house?

Ragwort · 22/03/2023 09:01

Yes, I would leave ... permanently ... how on earth have you enjoyed living in this situation for ten years Shock ... why do you put up with it? I wouldn't have any respect for a parent (man or woman) who served their child meals in bed and allowed them to entirely opt out of family life. No wonder his previous girl friend left.

Clearly the DSD is a very unhappy child ... whatever the 'truth' she may well be on here in a few years time saying 'my SM hated me and I felt so unwelcome and unwanted in my own home after she and her DC moved in'. Whatever posters on Mumsnet like to say, blended families rarely work.

What a sad situation for everyone ... but you have the option to move out and reclaim your life for you and your DC ... it's not a healthy environment for them either.

DuckyShincracker · 22/03/2023 09:01

You need to firm up some boundaries it's your home so you are not to be treated like a second class citizen. Not to speak to her unless spoken to it's sounds like you are the hired help in in a period drama! If you want an evening out then fine but in no way should you be forced out of your own home after a days graft. Personally I'd be down the pub weighing up my options.

Floofydawg · 22/03/2023 09:03

@SquidwardBound she said so.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/03/2023 09:03

Are the majority of the responses validating OP? What are you thinking about it all?

He sounds so weak and she’s not going to be the type of teen to embrace independence and go forth into the world to build her own life. I can’t see an end point, she’ll probably still be in her room at yours half the week being waited on hand and foot in her 20s dishing out demands and stamping her feet.

She may move in full time if her mother refuses to pander like her father does. (Does she?)

Who wouldn’t choose life with a servant dad over having to pay rent, live with flat mates and get a job?

Urgh, the whole thing would make me view the future with horror.

When your own have moved out it’ll seem even worse.

SquidwardBound · 22/03/2023 09:04

Just because it was originally his house doesn’t mean that hasn’t changed in the last decade.

I hope you haven’t been paying for a house for many years that you have no claim to OP.

Novatherova · 22/03/2023 09:08

Not its not. Don't go out. She will have to lump it

LakeTiticaca · 22/03/2023 09:10

Not a chance. I would be looking for alternative accommodation and leave them to it

LogicVoid · 22/03/2023 09:17

Is it actually (legally speaking) your home too? You sound like you could be in a vulnerable position if things get rocky. Other than that, the dynamic with the daughter is really messy and unhealthy for everyone. The most positive thing you could do is suggest therapy, possibly for the three of you together, to avoid things escalating further and move towards better relationships all round.

difficultdifficultlemondifficult · 22/03/2023 09:17

I would refuse to regularly leave my home for a stroppy teenager.

I would be telling your partner than the relationship will be ending unless he fixes this situation and creates an environment that everyone is happy with.

His daughter needs to be told to grow up and start acting her age. If she doesn't like you and doesn't want to engage with you, that's fine, but she can't hold all the cards and be in control of your household to the point your partner is driving you out on her say so.

Fuck. That.

Cadburysucks · 22/03/2023 09:17

She is controlling,and your oh is a spineless wimp, the atmosphere must be bad at your house. We had a similar experience with my sister in law, she would go upstairs when we visited with three young children, no reason why. No one said anything, nothing from mil or bil. Still baffles me, and sadly she died in a car accident when young.

funinthesun19 · 22/03/2023 09:34

Why can’t they both go out? It’s her with the problem. You should be allowed in your own home with your children. If he wants to make her feel more comfortable they can both go out. Or she can go out on her own to a friend’s house or something. Or he can just ignore her behaviour and not indulge it?

callthataspade · 22/03/2023 09:40

You have a dp problem

All this mollycoddling can only lead to disaster.

What's his actual plan to make relations better? Because pandering to her isn't going to change anything.

Also what rights do you have to the house? If you're not married and it was his to begin with it guessing you're on shaky ground if you split

GoodChat · 22/03/2023 09:43

He needs to have a serious conversation with her. I'm guessing he's scared of pushing her away, especially if it was her home before it was yours, but she's testing boundaries and he needs to draw his line in the sand.

ImustLearn2Cook · 22/03/2023 10:01

I’m concerned that by pandering to her she is missing out on learning how to resolve issues.

When she is an adult in the workplace, what would she do if she had a co worker that she didn’t like? Leave her job? Bully the co worker until they leave?

Perhaps this is an opportunity for a little give and take. I’ll be willing to go out occasionally if you are willing to discuss and resolve the issues you have with me. And establish reasonable, mutually respectful, healthy boundaries for our relationship.

Because it is not reasonable for anyone to feel unwelcome in their home.

SunshineAndFizz · 22/03/2023 10:08

This is utterly ridiculous. Feeding her in bed? Answering text requests? Asking you to go out of the house (your home) if she wants to go downstairs?

Your OH needs to get a grip and start parenting her.

Dillydollydingdong · 22/03/2023 10:14

If dsc was a boy he'd be called a Little Prince. This is a Little Princess with her DF under her thumb. If she just doesn't like you for no good reason, tough. It's no good him pandering to her. If he didn't take food up to her she'd either have to come down or go without. She must be having a good laugh.

MeridianB · 22/03/2023 10:36

Shocking situation and it sounds like it's been awful for quite a while. I don't think for a second that you leaving your home is the right thing. I can't believe he even asked!

It certainly won't address the MUCH bigger problems with DSD.

OH takes all her meals to her and she eats them in her bed. Always has done. He's up and down stairs 20 times an evening! She will message him with her requests

Does your DP not realise this is really dysfunctional and needs addressing?

If he doesn't plan to help DSD manage her issues or change his own behaviours then I would not stay with him. He needs to parent properly or risk destroying his relationship with you, and failing to equip his daughter for life.

happysingleversary · 22/03/2023 10:49

Have you considered counselling as a family to see if you can get along better?

familyissues12345 · 22/03/2023 11:01

I think you need a medal for putting up with this for so long. Absolutely ridiculous

Bluebellsbells · 22/03/2023 12:20

The issue is not going to be resolved by you going out. He's addressing the symptoms and not the cure. He needs to be working on building a better relationship between the two of you rather than dividing you further.

It's a ridiculous demand to make you leaving your home and doesn't help the situation resolve. Just like him taking her out alone, on occasion not a problem but again it will only lead to your alienation and rejection in the long term.

LittleOwl153 · 22/03/2023 14:11

So what is the housing situation? Do you have any stake in it? Do you have another property/asset?
I was just wondering what your options are for you and your kids if you do end up out of the house permanently

How old is she? I've only seen teenager...

Dollyparton3 · 22/03/2023 14:36

I'm aghast at the whole situation for you OP and you deserve a medal for all you have put up with so far.

I have a stepdaughter who has twirled everyone round her little finger for years and it all came home to roost a few years ago when WW3 kicked off after I put my foot down in our home. She MUST learn some consequences for her behaviour.

In our situation DH was always the disciplinarian but he Exw would undermine DH at every opportunity and SD learned very quickly that manipulation was the key to getting what she wanted. Eventually when she became an adult DH took the approach that you don't pander to this and what goes around comes around. SD has now made a series of bad life choices because she expected to put in minimal effort and thought the the world would present itself to her on a gilded platter. SPOILER: it doesn't.

My first question is why she feels she can behave this way without expressing exactly what is wrong and having a grown up chat about it. That's the way adult relationships work and if your DH doesn't encourage this sort of behaviour what's the end game? And what's the end game for your DH?

Enabling her to manipulate family members in her own home and exclude people is unacceptable and your DH first of all needs to see this for what it is. A teenage strop making life intolerable for everyone else