Page 6 | OH wants me to go out

spellingtest · 2023-03-21T22:27:04+00:00

Hi all My stepdaughter doesn't like me (known her 10 years she is teenager now) and OH feels she can't come downstairs when I am here. My OH has asked me to go out some evenings to allow her to spend time with her. My children will be here, just not me. Do you think this is a fair request?

BeesOnLavender · 22/03/2023 18:07

It isn't her house. She could be asked to leave at anytime!

The more I think about this, the more I think OP moving into a house he already owned is part of the problem. They need to change that situation if they aren't going to split up over this latest thing. Either they get married or DP legally names OP as part owner of the house, if she hasn't paid into the mortgage it could be a small percentage share. So he stops thinking of it as his house and thinking it's reasonable to do things like ask OP to go out as if she's a guest who has outstayed her welcome

She either wants to be part of the family or she stays with her mum

Does the DD even want to be living there? Possibly she'd prefer one stable home and it's the parents who want contact to be 50/50

Revengeofthepangolins · 22/03/2023 18:13

I don't understand how a teen could have been fed uostairs for 10 years. So when she was 7, he fed her in her bedroom. How utterly bizarre

Original poster

spellingtest · 22/03/2023 18:15

Revengeofthepangolins · 22/03/2023 18:13

I don't understand how a teen could have been fed uostairs for 10 years. So when she was 7, he fed her in her bedroom. How utterly bizarre

Not just in her bedroom but in her bed. She eats roast dinner in her bed. It's bizarre but sadly nod the norm.

OP posts:

GandhiDeclaredWarOnYou · 22/03/2023 18:23

Why have youput up with this,@spellingtest ?Is it a boiled frog scenario where you hadn't realised how crazy it is because it slowly escalated?

Original poster

spellingtest · 22/03/2023 18:29

BeesOnLavender · 22/03/2023 18:07

It isn't her house. She could be asked to leave at anytime!

The more I think about this, the more I think OP moving into a house he already owned is part of the problem. They need to change that situation if they aren't going to split up over this latest thing. Either they get married or DP legally names OP as part owner of the house, if she hasn't paid into the mortgage it could be a small percentage share. So he stops thinking of it as his house and thinking it's reasonable to do things like ask OP to go out as if she's a guest who has outstayed her welcome

She either wants to be part of the family or she stays with her mum

Does the DD even want to be living there? Possibly she'd prefer one stable home and it's the parents who want contact to be 50/50

Quite a few have asked about the house situation. I do have my own property but I haven't lived in it since we moved in together. House is in his name and he insists on paying all bills so things are very separate.
I have purposely kept my house as he has been very clear that marriage is something he will never consider.
When my children go to university I do plan to return to my home whist step daughter is at home. My children are very settled here and they are happy (although aren't keen on step daughter as she is very rude about me so they don't interact much with her - not that they see her much as she is always in her room). Both my children get on well with my partner and they never cause trouble. When she is at her mums the whole atmosphere changes and it's a happy place.
My partner says that he can't stick up for me as stepdaughter gets upset (I know!). He has an older child too who was challenging but is much easier now and we get on very well. They left for university 4 years ago.
Ultimately he is terrified of his daughter wanting to live with her mum. He uses language such as "I'm losing her for the week" when she stays with her mother
She likes 50/50. She previously lived with us full time and visited mum every other weekend
Partner and ex wife had a very acrimonious break up and she left him following an affair.

He spoils both daughters and admits to being a sift touch and 'wants to keep everyone happy' the trouble with this is when step daughter is at home no one is particularly happy.

OP posts:

Original poster

spellingtest · 22/03/2023 18:30

GandhiDeclaredWarOnYou · 22/03/2023 18:23

Why have youput up with this,@spellingtest ?Is it a boiled frog scenario where you hadn't realised how crazy it is because it slowly escalated?

Exactly. And someone seems worse when it's actually written down and people have views (majority of which I agree with). It's very interesting seeing things from others perspectives and I want to thank everyone who has taken the trouble to reply. Thank you.

OP posts:

Lostmyway86 · 22/03/2023 18:32

I would be moving out at this point. How toxic must that house feel. Your DP sounds terrible...

Original poster

spellingtest · 22/03/2023 18:32

Just for clarity his ex wife had the affair not my partner.

OP posts:

callthataspade · 22/03/2023 18:43

It's interesting you say he wants 'to keep everyone happy' yet the only person he's really trying to make happy is his daughter.

He couldn't give a toss about you. (And sounds like he's not doing a good job with his daughter either)

So how is he keeping everyone happy? It sounds an unbearable situation for everyone.

GandhiDeclaredWarOnYou · 22/03/2023 18:51

wants to keep everyone happy

^ Demonstrably untrue.

Call him on this. He wants you to leave your home (which it is, because you and your children live there) for an evening each time she comes so Miss StroppyPants can deign to join him downstairs for a film.

The only thing preventing her spending the evening downstairs is her petty, vindictive and frankly unacceptable behaviour towards you.

She doesn’t have to like you. That’s ok. It happens.
She absolutely shouldn’t get to eat on her own in her bed with Daddy as her waiter and the rest of you held hostage to her whims.

He is doing her no favours in the long term, pandering to this nonsense. How can she grow emotionally and in resilience when this is the life she lives?

Original poster

spellingtest · 22/03/2023 18:59

GandhiDeclaredWarOnYou · 22/03/2023 18:51

wants to keep everyone happy

^ Demonstrably untrue.

Call him on this. He wants you to leave your home (which it is, because you and your children live there) for an evening each time she comes so Miss StroppyPants can deign to join him downstairs for a film.

The only thing preventing her spending the evening downstairs is her petty, vindictive and frankly unacceptable behaviour towards you.

She doesn’t have to like you. That’s ok. It happens.
She absolutely shouldn’t get to eat on her own in her bed with Daddy as her waiter and the rest of you held hostage to her whims.

He is doing her no favours in the long term, pandering to this nonsense. How can she grow emotionally and in resilience when this is the life she lives?

Thank you.

I agree with every word.

His argument would be 'but she's the child' and as such should be kept happy. I am an adult and should accept that. Certainly doesn't fit in with his 'keep everyone happy' mantra.

She isn't going to be a well rounded adult and interestingly she doesn't have any friends at school.

It's so helpful seeing others views, much of which I have been thinking of for a while.

OP posts:

2chocolateoranges · 22/03/2023 19:08

He is never going to change. Yes our children should come first but there are some instances where we need to say enough is enough. He is mollycoddling and pandering to his daughter .

you deserve better .

GandhiDeclaredWarOnYou · 22/03/2023 19:21

Does he have any idea what “children” (teens) who are “kept happy” turn out like?

Narcissists. Spoilt brats. People with no friends.

People who are endlessly appeased are not whole, well-rounded people.

BeesOnLavender · 22/03/2023 19:59

spellingtest · 22/03/2023 18:29

Quite a few have asked about the house situation. I do have my own property but I haven't lived in it since we moved in together. House is in his name and he insists on paying all bills so things are very separate.
I have purposely kept my house as he has been very clear that marriage is something he will never consider.
When my children go to university I do plan to return to my home whist step daughter is at home. My children are very settled here and they are happy (although aren't keen on step daughter as she is very rude about me so they don't interact much with her - not that they see her much as she is always in her room). Both my children get on well with my partner and they never cause trouble. When she is at her mums the whole atmosphere changes and it's a happy place.
My partner says that he can't stick up for me as stepdaughter gets upset (I know!). He has an older child too who was challenging but is much easier now and we get on very well. They left for university 4 years ago.
Ultimately he is terrified of his daughter wanting to live with her mum. He uses language such as "I'm losing her for the week" when she stays with her mother
She likes 50/50. She previously lived with us full time and visited mum every other weekend
Partner and ex wife had a very acrimonious break up and she left him following an affair.

He spoils both daughters and admits to being a sift touch and 'wants to keep everyone happy' the trouble with this is when step daughter is at home no one is particularly happy.

Show quote history

Bullshit OP, the only person he wants to keep happy is himself. You're not happy, your DC aren't happy, his DD isnt happy.

He's not a partner, he's a boyfriend and I'd say he's definitely considering you a guest in his home. I'd leave him to it. He's never going to be a partner, he doesn't care about you enough. He's also happy to have your DC feeling unhappy just so long as he gets what he wants. So he's not even a good boyfriend, he's a selfish one.

If you must have him in your life it seems to me you'd all be happier moving yourself and your DC back into your house and you can date him on weeks he's not with his DD. Personally, I'd want more from a relationship than than.

hourbyhour101 · 22/03/2023 20:10

GandhiDeclaredWarOnYou · 22/03/2023 19:21

Does he have any idea what “children” (teens) who are “kept happy” turn out like?

Narcissists. Spoilt brats. People with no friends.

People who are endlessly appeased are not whole, well-rounded people.

I can tell you that this is 100% true.

I have a pal who literally had both parents pander to every whim as a child and teen. Mum broke up with her step dad as she said she didn't want to share her mum aged 25. She once threw a wobbling because dad had bought her a brand new mini in the colour she asked for, aged 18. Then she saw her friend had the four by four version and literally went scorched earth on her dad and didn't talk to him for a year because "he should have known he fucked up and corrected it" didn't matter that dad had saved up to by her this year for years and actually didn't have spare money to replace the new car with new car.

I say pal loosely tbh. She's not great to be around. Can't hold down a job. Currently flits between parents to who's paying her the most to live.

Neither mum and dad will stop or she stops talking to them. Talks about her parents being narcissistic...

Genuinely hard to be around.

SquidwardBound · 22/03/2023 20:33

BeesOnLavender · 22/03/2023 19:59

Bullshit OP, the only person he wants to keep happy is himself. You're not happy, your DC aren't happy, his DD isnt happy.

He's not a partner, he's a boyfriend and I'd say he's definitely considering you a guest in his home. I'd leave him to it. He's never going to be a partner, he doesn't care about you enough. He's also happy to have your DC feeling unhappy just so long as he gets what he wants. So he's not even a good boyfriend, he's a selfish one.

If you must have him in your life it seems to me you'd all be happier moving yourself and your DC back into your house and you can date him on weeks he's not with his DD. Personally, I'd want more from a relationship than than.

Show quote history

I agree that the only person he’s actually keeping happy is himself.

It sounds grim for you and your children - because 50% of the time you all live with this crap atmosphere.

If you have your own house, just leave. Go and live happily 100% of the time with your children. He can learn the hard way that choosing to make you unhappy has consequences. And reap what he’s down with a teenager who calls all the shots in his life.

Bluebellsbells · 22/03/2023 21:11

GandhiDeclaredWarOnYou · 22/03/2023 19:21

Does he have any idea what “children” (teens) who are “kept happy” turn out like?

Narcissists. Spoilt brats. People with no friends.

People who are endlessly appeased are not whole, well-rounded people.

Ty for this I just sent it to my husband and told him, this is exactly what you used to do with your kids- do you finally understand why appeasement is such a toxic parental technique?!

Maxiedog123 · 23/03/2023 00:29

How old are your children now?

KatherineJaneway · 23/03/2023 05:54

'Keep everyone happy' is code for 'I won't have difficult conversations'. Not an attractive trait.

Blobblobblob · 23/03/2023 07:54

KatherineJaneway · 23/03/2023 05:54

'Keep everyone happy' is code for 'I won't have difficult conversations'. Not an attractive trait.

Exactly this. It's dressing up cowardice as a moral stance, when it's precisely the opposite.

Dollyparton3 · 23/03/2023 08:33

@hourbyhour101 my SD hashtagged me as a narcissist in her semi viral post about what a bitch I am. Definitely not me that's the narcissist.

hourbyhour101 · 23/03/2023 08:37

@Dollyparton3 you know a narcissist from their ability to call everyone a nark but when you say well every single person has narcissistic tendencies they will go "well I don't" but a true narcissist will never be able to admit any flaws

It is like anything a sliding scale.

I feel for you because honestly it's actually awful to watch. I can't imagine not being able to escape from it !

Ah the evil sm narrative it's so boringly unimaginative.

MeridianB · 23/03/2023 08:43

Urgh. How can you take him seriously as a person when he behaves like this?

Have you considered living separately and dating?

stayathomegardener · 23/03/2023 08:58

I think I'd trial it for six weeks on the agreement that all food runs upstairs stop completely and she spends the time downstairs. Id be pretty confident that wouldn't happen.

I'd also be making it known that I was enjoying my evenings out and I would do so meeting friends and trying new things.

I think you would all find find you are not the issue at all.

No way can your relationship survive long term if you were seen to be the thorn in his daughters side.

Dollyparton3 · 23/03/2023 08:58

hourbyhour101 · 23/03/2023 08:37

@Dollyparton3 you know a narcissist from their ability to call everyone a nark but when you say well every single person has narcissistic tendencies they will go "well I don't" but a true narcissist will never be able to admit any flaws

It is like anything a sliding scale.

I feel for you because honestly it's actually awful to watch. I can't imagine not being able to escape from it !

Ah the evil sm narrative it's so boringly unimaginative.

Exactly that! Ironically the debate with her was about me demanding privacy and safety of our home in her very public identifiable socials (think full name, town, very showy images of the nice things I've bought for our home that I don't want advertised to all and sundry)

And I'm the Narc.