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Step-parenting

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Original poster

OH wants me to go out

160 replies

spellingtest · 21/03/2023 22:27

Hi all
My stepdaughter doesn't like me (known her 10 years she is teenager now) and OH feels she can't come downstairs when I am here. My OH has asked me to go out some evenings to allow her to spend time with her. My children will be here, just not me.
Do you think this is a fair request?

OP posts:
Original poster
spellingtest · 22/03/2023 07:43

arethereanyleftatall · 22/03/2023 07:26

A lot of this particular case sounds ridiculous, the traipsing up and down the stairs etc, but, but, but, I'm on the other side here - as the mother of a teenage girl who absolutely hates her fathers girlfriend. Various reasons all of them valid- ow for a start. (So could be totally different to your scenario op!) she will never ever like her so there's no point trying.
It is really jeopardising her, fabulous, relationship with her father - and my thoughts are - couldn't you just accept what it is, go out, enjoy the evening out, make it win win. Not all the time of course, but as it seems to be perfectly feasible for you, why not.

Nice to get a balanced view.
I am not the OW. There was one before me who ended the relationship as couldn't handle the children's attitude. Perhaps I should have paid more attention to the red flag.
They already go out for meals and go on holiday together, just the two of them.
The part that irritates me is being asked to leave my home when I have come up with other valid options (stay in another part of the house), give them time together, don't talk to her unless she engages first (not my idea!)

OP posts:
Weatherwax13 · 22/03/2023 07:45

Christ, I'd go out and just not come back! Your partner has an absolute nerve and should have dealt with this before it became such a massive issue.

Breezyknees · 22/03/2023 07:46

The whole situation is ridiculous and has been left to escalate and drag on too long. Don’t leave your home op and stop pandering to this princess and her idiot of a father.

Original poster
spellingtest · 22/03/2023 07:48

GoodChat · 22/03/2023 07:10

Out of curiosity, how old is your youngest? Do they have a friendly relationship?

They are both three years older. They try to engage with her but she can be very rude to them too.
I feel for her, she is an unhappy but grumpy child. She is however indulged by her father and has ruled the house for years.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 22/03/2023 07:48

even if I park my car I can read a book for a few hours!

Wtf? Absolutely not - if you had a club to go that would be one thing but sitting your car? Absolutely ridiculous. And the same to him giving her meals in her room! He's allowing her far too much control, she either comes down at least for meals or she needs to spend more time at her mum's.

hourbyhour101 · 22/03/2023 07:56

This is not normal behaviour.

I assume though that this is the frog in boiling water story again.

Op the fact that your DH has suggested it seems to me like he's only going to enable the behaviour and you saying if you try it and it works it will become a expected thing is spot on. You have also shown that a 10 year old can get you to leave the house 😵‍💫

The last relationship broke down because of the children behaviour so I suspect that DSD thinks well if I just put my foot down again she will be gone.

I would treat this with DH and say don't be silly I won't be ordered from the house, he can be treated like a servant that's his choice. But you don't have to be.

Christ this kids gonna be interesting as a adult...

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 22/03/2023 07:57

If you ever think your life is bad then just read a thread like this and feel better

piedbeauty · 22/03/2023 07:58

She lives in her room the entire time she's with you and your h takes her all her meals on a tray???

This is insanity.

I couldn't live like that. I'd be seriously thinking about ending things with h and asking him and his spoiled dd to move out.

arethereanyleftatall · 22/03/2023 07:59

@spellingtest
Ah, ok. Yours seems to be a completely different scenario to mine, and this child seems very spoilt. It's difficult. There are many adult women in therapy due to their dads putting their new girlfriends first and rejecting them as children; so I was projecting from that. There does need to be some balance between not indulging everything the child wants, and thinking about it from their (self absorbed as we know is a development stage at that age) perspective.

aSofaNearYou · 22/03/2023 07:59

arethereanyleftatall · 22/03/2023 07:26

A lot of this particular case sounds ridiculous, the traipsing up and down the stairs etc, but, but, but, I'm on the other side here - as the mother of a teenage girl who absolutely hates her fathers girlfriend. Various reasons all of them valid- ow for a start. (So could be totally different to your scenario op!) she will never ever like her so there's no point trying.
It is really jeopardising her, fabulous, relationship with her father - and my thoughts are - couldn't you just accept what it is, go out, enjoy the evening out, make it win win. Not all the time of course, but as it seems to be perfectly feasible for you, why not.

So the dad who has the affair is allowed to be "fabulous", while the OW must allow herself to be demonised? Figured.

Ttwinkletoes · 22/03/2023 08:02

Gawd - move out - soon your DCs will fly the nest and you will be a free woman to do exactly what you want when you want - This pandering won't stop when she is 18 as it is too entrenched.

harriethoyle · 22/03/2023 08:03

Absolutely fuck this (and ignore PP projecting her own issues with an OW which you aren't 🙄). Your DH needs to parent, stop pandering to his child and make it clear you will not be banished. It's a slippery slope. If she gets you out of the house for an evening, the next call will be over the weekend and then she'll refuse to come if you're in residence...

arethereanyleftatall · 22/03/2023 08:04

Indeed @aSofaNearYou . I think these are understandable thoughts for a teenage girl, it's her dad, she loves him, he can do no wrong. She'd rather place all the blame as ow's door. (Tbf this wasn't just an affair, the ow also harrassed me to the point of police involvement so a nice person she ain't). Anyway, we digress!

Ttwinkletoes · 22/03/2023 08:04

The DD has a new mum figure and her DCs 'thrust' upon her when she was little - now is her turn for revenge and boy is she loving it.

Beamur · 22/03/2023 08:04

You've put up with this nonsense for ten years?
Your OH is an idiot to have allowed this situation.
Of course you shouldn't go out. But how do you manage to have a shred of respect for your partner?

Mateyduck · 22/03/2023 08:06

You are being asked to leave your home for a child’s whim. If she doesn’t like you, he can have contact with her outside the home or take her out for the evening. Why do you have to leave your own house?! Hell no.

Whataretheodds · 22/03/2023 08:07

It is really jeopardising her, fabulous, relationship with her father

It is not a fabulous relationship!!

SquidwardBound · 22/03/2023 08:07

He’s let it get to this by pandering it. Banishing you from the house will only make it much worse.

He needs to tell his daughter that this is your home and she cannot try to get rid of you. She needs to show basic courtesy and politeness.

He has to stop enabling her to hide away in her room the entire time. Responding to text summons and providing room
service have clearly been making things worse.

The problem is, he’s giving her lots of power to control things and, as tends to happen, she is seeking more. He needs to handle this differently and stop framing you as the problem.

To be clear for the standard step parenting ‘how could you say anything negative even tangentially about a child! 😱’ crowd, HE is the problem here. His daughter’s behaviour and attitude is very much related to him having signalled that trying to exclude her SM is ok and something he’ll facilitate.

SquidwardBound · 22/03/2023 08:08

Whataretheodds · 22/03/2023 08:07

It is really jeopardising her, fabulous, relationship with her father

It is not a fabulous relationship!!

This is stepparenting, anything a man does for or with his child will be framed as an act of heroism. 🙄

Soozikinzii · 22/03/2023 08:11

Could you just read watch TV or go on your phone in your room so she can chat with DH downstairs as a compromise ?

aSofaNearYou · 22/03/2023 08:13

arethereanyleftatall · 22/03/2023 08:04

Indeed @aSofaNearYou . I think these are understandable thoughts for a teenage girl, it's her dad, she loves him, he can do no wrong. She'd rather place all the blame as ow's door. (Tbf this wasn't just an affair, the ow also harrassed me to the point of police involvement so a nice person she ain't). Anyway, we digress!

Yes, it's understandable that a teenager would want to deflect blame to protect themselves - though I wouldn't be facilitating the sexism implications if I was the OW, but that's me. What's more jarring is you describing the relationship she has with him as "fabulous". He had an affair, left, and is now allowing his teenage child to wrongly lay the blame at some other woman's feet just so he can maintain the illusion of being a good dad. Their relationship is entirely built on deflection and denial, it is not fabulous.

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 22/03/2023 08:14

About time he stopped playing to her demands and discipline his child. She sounds very spoilt and entitled, and for a start she should be made to have her meals downstairs with the family.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 22/03/2023 08:14

You partner is an absolute twat. For indulging his daughter this way and for expecting you to leave the home. No fucking way.

SquidwardBound · 22/03/2023 08:18

Soozikinzii · 22/03/2023 08:11

Could you just read watch TV or go on your phone in your room so she can chat with DH downstairs as a compromise ?

That won’t help though.

The SD needs to have a clear boundary that she cannot try to banish her SM from her own home or have her hide away in it.

Going elsewhere and leaving them to it is completely different when it’s just neutrally leaving them to watch something together than to when they’ve both made it clear they want rid of you and you should
disappear.

FishChipsMushyPeas · 22/03/2023 08:22

Floofydawg · 22/03/2023 06:34

Sorry but he needs to tell her that she at the very least eats her meals downstairs like a normal person. He's completely pandering to her.

Not sure I could live like this and she's only 10 - imagine how many more years of this you could have.

She is a teenager, the OP has known her for 10 years I think.