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Step-parenting

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Original poster

My partners son doesn't want to spend time with my son

157 replies

chipswitheveryting · 27/02/2023 10:31

So I have an 8 yo DS and partner has 10 yr old DS. His DS doesn't want to see or hang around with my son. We both also have older girls who are old enough to opt out of things and meet friends etc. But the boys need to be with us generally.

My OH will ask me to come over to his house, I have kids half the week. He only wants me, not my kids so only asks when I'm alone (there is space for us all and we have stayed in the past).

My OH will happily come to mine when my kids are there and has a good relationship with them.

His son makes it impossible for us to have family days out or holidays together.

We had talked about moving in together, we've been together 2.5 years. I now think we couldn't live together becaUse or his DS'S rejection of my DS.

My DS absolutely adores his DS, I feel so sad for him, my DS is a lovely kid. He's a bit of a sore loser so gets a bit grumpy when he realises he won't win a game and this is what other DS hangs all his anger on. We all have faults. His son does too.

My OH supports his DS in not making any effort, if he doesn't want to see him that's up to him. I think OH should make more effort to make his kid accommodate and get on better with mine.

What do you lot think??

OP posts:
Starlitestarbright · 27/02/2023 10:34

Stop pushing the boys together, he's old enough to know if he wants to hand around with someone I take he's in either year 5 or Year 6 potentially going to senior school?

AmandaHoldensLips · 27/02/2023 10:35

Don't move in together. Your first priority is your kids. You can't force them to get along. If anything, that would make it worse.

Original poster
chipswitheveryting · 27/02/2023 10:35

Yes he starts in September.

But it means we can never have days out together or holidays. And we can't live together.

Why should one kid dictate all of that?

OP posts:
Moonicorn · 27/02/2023 10:36

You clearly don’t know how irritating it is to be forced to spend time with another kid because your parents are dating!

Original poster
chipswitheveryting · 27/02/2023 10:36

AmandaHoldensLips · 27/02/2023 10:35

Don't move in together. Your first priority is your kids. You can't force them to get along. If anything, that would make it worse.

This weekend has been an eye opener and I have realise that living together will never happen while his kid is at home.

OP posts:
Bebefinn · 27/02/2023 10:36

OP - you cannot force them to get on.

Original poster
chipswitheveryting · 27/02/2023 10:37

I'm not insisting they play together, just that we can be in the same room together.

OP posts:
hryllilegur · 27/02/2023 10:37

Try to think about it from your partner’s son’s perspective.

He doesn’t have to like your son. Even if your son likes him.

He wants to see his dad without having to spend time with a slightly younger child he doesn’t like very much.

I know it’s awkward and hard. But what exactly do you expect your partner do to make his son get on with yours?

what are you doing to make your son more palatable to other children?

Cottagecheeseisnotcheese · 27/02/2023 10:37

it is not going to work, he can't make his son like or want to be with your son, his son might see it as a way to stop his dad having a relationship with you, but it would be a disaster if you moved in together, his son would probably just opt to be with his mum all the time,

Starlitestarbright · 27/02/2023 10:38

So a preteen going off to senior school. With his own thoughts and feelings. Who can decide who he's wants to spend time with. You haven't really been together than long op in the grant scheme of things alot of your time was what when it was covid? Your trying to blend a family that doesn't want to blend. Why do you need to go out with days out with a preteen. My 14 year old rarely goes out with us he's constantly out socialising with his mates.

Original poster
chipswitheveryting · 27/02/2023 10:39

14 is different to 10

OP posts:
thymee · 27/02/2023 10:39

I think you need to back off a bit, let his son do what he needs to do and not force the kids together.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't move in together if you want to (kids don't get a say in that) - but you shouldn't be trying to force a close sibling-type relationship if one of them is not keen. The 10 year old is likely going through all kinds of feelings about his dad having a partner and potentially moving in etc etc. Let him work through it, give him some space, and he might come around eventually.

You can't force relationships, they develop naturally over time, and really there are many siblings with 2 years between them who have massive rivalries and don't get on/ want to spend time together.

Don't let it influence your choices about your relationship, but recognise that this is probably difficult for his DS and don't force them together if he's not keen.

Original poster
chipswitheveryting · 27/02/2023 10:39

He just refuses to be in the same room as him

OP posts:
Starlitestarbright · 27/02/2023 10:40

Is he expected to share his own space with him? You admit your son is a bad loser. I take it when they've been on the xbox he's kicked off over not winning. I'm not surprised he's not keen on him. You both have older girls what do they do they are allowed to do what they please?

Cottagecheeseisnotcheese · 27/02/2023 10:41

his son is soon going to high school; high school kids to not want to hang out with primary kids, 2 years is huge in terms of maturity at 8 and 10; when they are 14 and 16 it will not be so much but they may never like each other,

hryllilegur · 27/02/2023 10:41

Why do you want to move in with or go on holiday with a partner where you know that the children don’t like each other.

The older girls currently ‘opt out’ presumably because they don’t want to play happy stepfamilies. The boys can’t opt out and the older boy doesn’t like the younger.

you may need to accept that this relationship is one where you and your partner see each other around your children. ‘Blending’ is a terrible idea.

Starlitestarbright · 27/02/2023 10:41

Chips at 10/11 he was always playing out his mates.

Original poster
chipswitheveryting · 27/02/2023 10:41

You're all getting it wrong. I'm not forcing a close relationship, or for them to play together or anything. Just able to sit at the same table as me and OH and other 2 kids. Or be in same room as us all. his DS refuses to be anywhere that my kid is.

OP posts:
thymee · 27/02/2023 10:42

chipswitheveryting · 27/02/2023 10:39

He just refuses to be in the same room as him

It sounds like he is going through something and struggling with his dad having another relationship.

That doesn't mean he has a say in whether or not you move in together, but honestly, leave him to it and if he doesn't want to be in the same room let him sit in his bedroom.

Accept him and give him space. This is a big thing for him as well.

Original poster
chipswitheveryting · 27/02/2023 10:42

The older girls are happy to be in the same room with everyone at any time. But if we went out, they sometimes opt out.

His DS won't be inside, outside, anywhere that my kid is.

OP posts:
Cottagecheeseisnotcheese · 27/02/2023 10:43

if the pressure was removed from his son, saying only a few times a year does he need to be in same room as your son and be polite might make it easier rather than several times a month

lunar1 · 27/02/2023 10:44

Why on earth would you want your son to live with someone who dislikes him so much? You need to look after your child's wellbeing just as your partner is looking after his.

Starlitestarbright · 27/02/2023 10:44

He probably grits on him so kids just cant stand others. Can you expand more on your ds personality you say he doesn't like losing. Is he immature for his age.

flutterbyebaby · 27/02/2023 10:44

chipswitheveryting · 27/02/2023 10:39

He just refuses to be in the same room as him

Talking like your blokes son is a problem doesn't really help, especially describing him as his kid. His son isn't their for your child's entertainment, your resentment of him is palpable

thymee · 27/02/2023 10:44

chipswitheveryting · 27/02/2023 10:42

The older girls are happy to be in the same room with everyone at any time. But if we went out, they sometimes opt out.

His DS won't be inside, outside, anywhere that my kid is.

I understand the problem, but you said "I think OH should make more effort to make his kid accommodate and get on better with mine." This is what I disagree with.

You should not be trying to make them get on.

His DS needs some support to deal with these emotions, he's obviously not OK with the situation. Does he have someone to talk about it all with? He sounds overwhelmed.