My partners son doesn't want to spend time with my son

[chipswitheveryting]

So I have an 8 yo DS and partner has 10 yr old DS. His DS doesn't want to see or hang around with my son. We both also have older girls who are old enough to opt out of things and meet friends etc. But the boys need to be with us generally.

My OH will ask me to come over to his house, I have kids half the week. He only wants me, not my kids so only asks when I'm alone (there is space for us all and we have stayed in the past).

My OH will happily come to mine when my kids are there and has a good relationship with them.

His son makes it impossible for us to have family days out or holidays together.

We had talked about moving in together, we've been together 2.5 years. I now think we couldn't live together becaUse or his DS'S rejection of my DS.

My DS absolutely adores his DS, I feel so sad for him, my DS is a lovely kid. He's a bit of a sore loser so gets a bit grumpy when he realises he won't win a game and this is what other DS hangs all his anger on. We all have faults. His son does too.

My OH supports his DS in not making any effort, if he doesn't want to see him that's up to him. I think OH should make more effort to make his kid accommodate and get on better with mine.

What do you lot think??

Forcing someone to spend time with a younger step child who is particularly irritating, (which you can't seem to grasp that your son is) is so irritating, like you wouldn't believe. My step sister on my step dads side is lovely. the youngest girl, quite a few years younger and so immature, on my step mums side, I could never abide. Ended up with irreparable damage and I haven't seen my dad since.

@Cantstandbullshitanymore
Out of context, sure. But in full view of a child who dislikes him because he's worried his father is being taken from him? Deliberately antagonistic from the 10yr olds perspective.

What reason does he give for this? It does sound like he's being allowed to call the shots a bit too much.

Honestly, I was brought up to be polite and pleasant with everyone. There will always be people in the world that you don't like but having the ability to still communicate with them and put your feelings aside just for those public moments or for occasions where people just have to be together was always a sign of good behaviour and maturity.

Refusing to be in the same room or even speak to people would be a sign of bad behaviour or immaturity.

I get this situation is more emotionally loaded therefore I've decided I'm not going to have them together at all apart from maybe once a year. That wasn't my opinion when I stated this thread but having lots of different opinions thrown in has made me look at this from different angles.

Signing off now, thanks for the help

Is he concerned that it would turn into every Sunday? Does he think this is going to be 10 hours, every weekend? I genuinely can’t think of anyone outside of my immediate family that I would relish the thought of spending 10 hours every weekend with, could this be part of his issue? Could you maybe reassure him that it would be only occasionally? (Once a month or whatever?)

We were made to have Sunday dinner etc with our step-siblings every week, and honestly, it was excruciating. As an adult, I can say that they are (and were) perfectly lovely people, but the only thing we had on common was that our parents were in a relationship. It was awkward and uncomfortable, and always felt forced. I’m sure our parents thought they were just expecting basic politeness etc, but we were all miserable.

I can completely understand where posters are coming from, saying not to allow children to dictate family life. But I would urge you to look at some of the threads where grown women are struggling with their in-laws (which is basically all this is). They’re frequently to told to put boundaries in place, limit there own contact, let their partners sort the relationship independently of them etc. Children of blended families are often not afforded these same concessions. They’re expected to just adapt and deal with the relationship, be polite etc. We expect them to be more accommodating than an adult, even through they have a fraction of the emotional maturity.

Well, you didn't make that point about him even refusing to be in the same room in your OP so you can hardly say we are all getting it wrong!

My step sister and i had a similar age gap 11 and 9 when parents married). We did actually know each other before our parents got together (family friend) and got on ok but she hung out more with my cousins the same age as her.

We barely tolerated each other, barely wanted to hang out except for certain hobbies. I used to get really jealous knowing she'd been hanging out with my nanna and cousins etc. - not that she was living with my dad funnily enough

Something just clicked the year i started high school at 12, can't really explain it because we'd always had the same interests and hobbies and obviously had history. She just suddenly became friendlier towards me once we were both at high school, nothing else had really changed. Was sad they moved away not long after.

Refusing to be in the same room or even speak to people would be a sign of bad behaviour or immaturity.

Or maybe it's a sign that he's struggling hugely with his dad having this brand new family including a new little boy who he hugs and spends lots of time with?

You mention being brought up to be pleasant and putting your feelings aside - we actively parent against that now. Children are being raised to respect and honour their feelings. This can be done appropriately - when they are adults - you are implying a 10 year old as immature - well yes they are meant to be.

Those who are referencing cousins/colleague relationships those are completely a different dynamic. This is a child looking at another child step into his space - cuddling up to his dad, a dad he may feel he is loosing to the OP and her family.

He may change his opinion if his DP actions support their bond -and timeline wise in a child's eye that time is tiny and given the horrible couple of years we all have had I would not be surprised if this is a concentrated reaction to his whole world being turned upside down.

Until your boyfriend's son is mature enough to be kind and in the same room as a smaller member of his family it is cruel to expose the younger child to that.
Your partner could explain being kind to guests and he should expect his son to become better mannered over time and for longer periods of time. Short, enjoyable ten minute interactions could grow to half an hour per visit, for example. When the boys are older they can choose but should be skilled enough to behave with respect when encountering one another. You can't force friendship, affection or play dates but you can teach and insist on civil co-operation as a family unit. .

Until your boyfriend's son is mature enough to be kind and in the same room as a smaller member of his family it is cruel to expose the younger child to that

He is not a smaller member of his family though.

You can't force friendship, affection or play dates but you can teach and insist on civil co-operation as a family unit

Again, they are not family. He is Dads girlfriends son, not his brother or step brother or any other relation.

I think OH should make more effort to make his kid accommodate and get on better with mine.
Why so much being placed on the 10yo to change his behaviour and do things he doesn't want to do? Is the 8yo being told he needs to change his or is he allowed to be stroppy and sore loser as younger?

You keep saying you just want them to be in the same room as each other but be honest- if they were both sat there and your ds was trying to interact with dps ds who was completely blanking him, or your ds kept asking him to play and was told to go away or shut up you'd be unhappy.

You don't want them to "just be in a room together" you want them to be share extended periods of time together and directly interact politely with each other - which is a fair expectation on adults but not so much for a 10 year old already struggling with other issues who (sorry to be blunt) seems like he doesn't like your son, doesn't want to be there and just wants to spend time with his dad.

Nobody is in the wrong here - it's understandable that your son wants to hang around with a cool older boy, its equally understandable that the older boy finds your ds annoying and doesn't want to spend time with him. The closest compromise you're going to get is if the two boys can completely ignore each other when you go out as a group so st least you and dp can spend time "together" however a) that will be a hard one to enforce on your ds who clearly wants to interact without hurting his feelings and b) doesn't exactly scream "happy family time!"

So unfortunately keeping them apart is probably the only option at this stage.

I think the younger child's behaviour is being glossed over. Maybe you should teach him how to play a game without losing his shit because he obviously gets away with being "stroppy, huffy and grumpy" when he sees he is not going to win a game so ruins the game every time. I can see how that can be really annoying for all involved and for him to continually get away with it must be like a red rag to a bull for the older child. NOBODY likes a sore loser and even less if there are no repercussions for it.

To try and put it in adult context
You work with someone you really don't like. Your manager says "you and x need to work on y project together for the foreseeable future".

If you could guarantee that you and x could both do your separate part of the project individually and just discuss the overall progress for one hour a week you might not be ecstatic about it but you'd suffer through it.

If x then started chatting to you all day while you were trying to work, asking you stupid questions, throwing tantrums when you didn't do what they said and all the while your manager was saying "this is going great - we should put you 2 together for more projects in the future! How about a weeks training course? You'll be okay to share a hotel room right?" I doubt you'd be very happy.

And you would still be an adult with adult coping mechanisms, getting paid to be annoyed, and would be completely able to escape x after work and on weekends and holidays. Dps son can't.

It sounds like your DP needs to focus on his son, find out what the problem is and address that. If blending isn't working for whatever reason then it doesn't make any sense to keep pushing it.

Having to force yourself to be pleasant & polite to someone you don't like .... all day every day in your own home....would be a huge struggle for anyone

Kudos to you for slowing down and not forcing the situation!

This also stuck out for me.... I'm not entirely clear on all of the timelines but does this mean you spend time with his children but he doesn't spend time with your's?

Two potential issues.. you are required to provide adult company and perhaps help when his children are around without it being reciprocated and his children get the benefit of having the love and support of another adult while your's don't.. this may have long term impacts where your children do not feel welcome in your new relationship.

I do agree with a lot of the posters here you can’t force a relationship etc. However if you all wanted to go for a family meal he should be taught to be respectful and kind even when he doesn’t want to be and attend the meal on a one off basis. As an adult there’s plenty of coworkers that I can’t stand to be around however I was brought up to be respectful and to be honest just get on with it. Also as a child I’m sure there were times my parents took me out for meals etc with people I didn’t really like but I was a child and I had to listen to what my parents wanted to do. I get it as your sons mum it’s heartbreaking to see your son wants a relationship with someone who doesn’t want a relationship with him but you do need to let that slide. Being able to be civil in a room together is something that should be addressed in my opinion. If your son is being a sore loser you need to tell him about it because that’s not a nice trait either. Also their 8 and 10 they’ll probably get better over time, they’re just at awkward ages where the age gap is really obvious

@Navigatingthroughlife
The problem is that this is not a family meal or a family get together. Both boys are old enough to recognize that they are neither related nor are they friends. At best they are strangers forced together because their parents are dating.

The child has not suggested that his father stop dating you nor has he suggested that your father stop seeing your son. He has instead taken the somewhat more mature stance of asking to be left out of your time together.

Compartmentalizing your lives. should not pose a hardship on the adults , and it would provide relief for the older child.

Over time the older child may become more tolerant and the younger child less annoying.

The father might be reminded to be less demonstrative with your son, as that is probably causing issues with his son. If your son is in need of cuddles, he might be encouraged to seek that kind of affirmation with his dad rather than with your dating partners.

Time and maturity may bring these boys closer but little good is likely to come from forcing them together now.

To be fair, seeing your updates I do have a point. There's no way in hell mine would be allowed to choose to not sit at the table with someone for an hour. They don't have to be friends, but they do have to be polite.

In fact, DS pretty much feels this way about one of his cousins, I don't force them together in any way but I expect him to say hello at family things, participate in group things together and eat politely.

Holidaying together may be a bit of a stretch, but they should definitely be able to tolerate each other.

This, with bells on. What if, for example, your partner's son suddenly decided he didn't like his grandmother? Would he be indulged, and Grandma would be banished, or would he be told to sort his manners out?

That’s absolutely ridiculous. Why shouldn’t the child cuddle him? Do you never cuddle anyone except your biological children?
Im late to the thread but early on thought it’s likely his ds is jealous of his dad having a relationship with your ds. Which is perfectly normal and understandable. However it needs managed, not just catered to. His son needs to learn his dad can have love and affection for other people without it affecting how he feels about him. His son needs to learn that while his concerns and feelings should be taken on board, he can’t dictate everyone’s lives and how the future pans out. He needs to know the world doesn’t revolve around him.

One of the things I hated when I was a kid, with regard to my dad's partner, was that she was always around. Growing up I had issues, I needed a parent to talk to, I wanted to hang out in my pyjamas, and I couldn't because she was always there. I went 30 years without ever getting my dad on his own. Anything I tried to say to him, I got her opinion on the matter rather than his.

How many days does he spend with his dad? How often are you and your DC there? It seems quite normal that if he doesn't live with his dad, he won't want to share him when he does see him.

His dad needs to address this as it's just plain rude. No need for friendship but being civil is a skill that kid is going to have to learn.

Start off easy no overnights / maybe not even at their dads house etc straight away but more coming too see you guys. your partner is the issue letting a 10 year old be so incredibly rude and rude the roost.

There's taking his feelings into account and just plain crazy!

To be honest, I admire your partners son for being very clear in his feelings and having his own boundaries. I really wish I'd been more assertive when I was a child, instead of just doing what was easiest for the adults.

30 plus years of slapping a smile on and being polite because it's apparently the right thing to do, despite how I was feeling, has done a lot of emotional damage to me.

Refusing to be in the same room or even speak to people would be a sign of bad behaviour or immaturity

This is classic manipulative speak to be honest, which translates as 'I want you to behave this way because it makes my life easier and if you don't you're a bad person' I suspect your partners son has taken the view of ' no thanks, I'm not playing that game'. We are actively teaching our kids to be more emotionally attuned and respect themselves. Some will see that as rude, I think its healthier I the long run.

Those saying that you'd not put up with this behaviour if he refused to see Granny, well that would depend wouldn't it. If Granny was behaving inappropriately then yes it would be the right thing for the child to speak up. But more importantly, Granny has been in their life since birth, new partners and their kids are strangers and let's be honest can come in and out of a child's life. You cannot compare the relationships as they're completely different.