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Step-parenting

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Original poster

My partners son doesn't want to spend time with my son

157 replies

chipswitheveryting · 27/02/2023 10:31

So I have an 8 yo DS and partner has 10 yr old DS. His DS doesn't want to see or hang around with my son. We both also have older girls who are old enough to opt out of things and meet friends etc. But the boys need to be with us generally.

My OH will ask me to come over to his house, I have kids half the week. He only wants me, not my kids so only asks when I'm alone (there is space for us all and we have stayed in the past).

My OH will happily come to mine when my kids are there and has a good relationship with them.

His son makes it impossible for us to have family days out or holidays together.

We had talked about moving in together, we've been together 2.5 years. I now think we couldn't live together becaUse or his DS'S rejection of my DS.

My DS absolutely adores his DS, I feel so sad for him, my DS is a lovely kid. He's a bit of a sore loser so gets a bit grumpy when he realises he won't win a game and this is what other DS hangs all his anger on. We all have faults. His son does too.

My OH supports his DS in not making any effort, if he doesn't want to see him that's up to him. I think OH should make more effort to make his kid accommodate and get on better with mine.

What do you lot think??

OP posts:
Original poster
chipswitheveryting · 27/02/2023 11:13

Starlitestarbright · 27/02/2023 11:12

How long was the divorce but you got together?

They split 6 months before I met DP, divorce was ongoing and took over 18 months from the split to finalise.

OP posts:
LunaMay · 27/02/2023 11:15

How is his DS with your daughter? You say your son adores him, is it maybe a bit much for the DS?

arethereanyleftatall · 27/02/2023 11:15

This is why I would never even start a relationship with someone who has young children. I would view them the same as married men - ie Out of bounds.

Original poster
chipswitheveryting · 27/02/2023 11:16

Ok so I'm getting a very clear message here, I thought it would be more mixed.

After his weekend I had already decided we wouldn't live together.

But now I've decided not to try to have our children together at all apart from maybe Christmas when we'll have a meal together.

Other than that, I'll focus on keeping my lovely boy happy and maybe me and my partner can live together when his son leaves for uni.

OP posts:
Toffeeappler · 27/02/2023 11:16

Sorry OP, it’s really tough :(

Your son cuddled up to your new partner in front of his son? Yeah I reckon that’s pushed him over the edge.

Here’s what I’d suggest- talk to your DP. Say that things clearly aren’t working as they are and that you need to work together on it or else the future gets really tricky.

Then I would suggest a compromise:

From your point of view, the compromise is no contact between the boys for 6 weeks or so. None.

Then you do something low pressure. A movie and takeaway pizza at home or something. But your partner commits to speaking to his son in advance and saying “You are and always will be my priority and I love you, but for this one evening you WILL come, and you WILL make an effort and get on with everyone for this three hours”.

Then another gap. Then repeat etc.

Snoken · 27/02/2023 11:16

lunar1 · 27/02/2023 11:02

Your partners son is protesting in the only way he can, he might not even mind your ds, this may just be the only way he can say he doesn't want to end up living with yours.

It's in no way similar to putting up with a cousin you aren't keen on.

I agree. He can see where this is going and he wants to make it absolutely clear that he is not interested in having step siblings, you moving in, going on holiday etc. He probably needs help with this and your partner need to have a proper conversation with him to try and figure out why he is feeling like this.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 27/02/2023 11:18

chipswitheveryting · 27/02/2023 11:04

My son is generally lovely and has a nice personality, he has lots of friends. But he is a sore loser, he just gets a bit huffy if he loses.

But I know oh DS was jealous when my son cuddled up to his dad once, he got jealous. I think it stems from this. Particularly with the divorce and everything.

Why is your son cuddling up to his dad in front of him?

Original poster
chipswitheveryting · 27/02/2023 11:19

LunaMay · 27/02/2023 11:15

How is his DS with your daughter? You say your son adores him, is it maybe a bit much for the DS?

His DS and my daughter are ok, not much communication but no issues.

OP posts:
Original poster
chipswitheveryting · 27/02/2023 11:20

Toffeeappler · 27/02/2023 11:16

Sorry OP, it’s really tough :(

Your son cuddled up to your new partner in front of his son? Yeah I reckon that’s pushed him over the edge.

Here’s what I’d suggest- talk to your DP. Say that things clearly aren’t working as they are and that you need to work together on it or else the future gets really tricky.

Then I would suggest a compromise:

From your point of view, the compromise is no contact between the boys for 6 weeks or so. None.

Then you do something low pressure. A movie and takeaway pizza at home or something. But your partner commits to speaking to his son in advance and saying “You are and always will be my priority and I love you, but for this one evening you WILL come, and you WILL make an effort and get on with everyone for this three hours”.

Then another gap. Then repeat etc.

Great idea, we'll try this, thank you

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 27/02/2023 11:21

I'm glad you're going to ease off on moving in together - I hope you can do that without making critical comments to your DP about his son, however tempting that might be. It is a totally valid preference not to acquire a (possibly annoying) stepbrother and a stepmother who doesn't especially like you. Much better for everyone to keep their own space and not put pressure on the situation.

Starlitestarbright · 27/02/2023 11:24

Timeline isn't great really his parents split 6 months he's got a new partner with 2 dc. They hasn't even divorced yet. Divorce is pretty traumatic for kids then adding a new dp and dc in the mix after a short time makes it even harder. It's alot of changes in a short time especially with numberous lockdowns over that period. I suspect he's struggling with it all.

Original poster
chipswitheveryting · 27/02/2023 11:24

TheYearOfSmallThings · 27/02/2023 11:21

I'm glad you're going to ease off on moving in together - I hope you can do that without making critical comments to your DP about his son, however tempting that might be. It is a totally valid preference not to acquire a (possibly annoying) stepbrother and a stepmother who doesn't especially like you. Much better for everyone to keep their own space and not put pressure on the situation.

I do like his son, I really like him.

I don't like how my son feels when he is rejected.

OP posts:
SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 27/02/2023 11:25

Starlitestarbright · 27/02/2023 11:24

Timeline isn't great really his parents split 6 months he's got a new partner with 2 dc. They hasn't even divorced yet. Divorce is pretty traumatic for kids then adding a new dp and dc in the mix after a short time makes it even harder. It's alot of changes in a short time especially with numberous lockdowns over that period. I suspect he's struggling with it all.

So true.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/02/2023 11:26

Did you step in when your son cuddled his dad in front of him? Can you imagine how that felt for your partners ten year old child?!?

Original poster
chipswitheveryting · 27/02/2023 11:27

Starlitestarbright · 27/02/2023 11:24

Timeline isn't great really his parents split 6 months he's got a new partner with 2 dc. They hasn't even divorced yet. Divorce is pretty traumatic for kids then adding a new dp and dc in the mix after a short time makes it even harder. It's alot of changes in a short time especially with numberous lockdowns over that period. I suspect he's struggling with it all.

I didn't meet his kids until we'd been together for well over a year. Basically until after the divorce finalised. So the kids had 18 months of parents separate before they met me and about another 4 months before they met my kids.

Then I would see his kids once a month and all of us with kids would see each other once every two or three months. Initially it was ok but in last month or so his son has refused point blank to be anywhere near mine.

The cuddle is because my OH is super friendly and jokey and affectionate with my kids so my kids started to reciprocate over time.

OP posts:
Original poster
chipswitheveryting · 27/02/2023 11:28

arethereanyleftatall · 27/02/2023 11:26

Did you step in when your son cuddled his dad in front of him? Can you imagine how that felt for your partners ten year old child?!?

No, I didn't step in, it was a brief hug, he wasn't there for 5 minutes

OP posts:
catfunk · 27/02/2023 11:28

My OH will ask me to come over to his house, I have kids half the week. He only wants me, not my kids so only asks when I'm alone (there is space for us all and we have stayed in the past).
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Original poster
chipswitheveryting · 27/02/2023 11:29

catfunk · 27/02/2023 11:28

My OH will ask me to come over to his house, I have kids half the week. He only wants me, not my kids so only asks when I'm alone (there is space for us all and we have stayed in the past).
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

This happened more recently and it's because his son didn't want to see my son.

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 27/02/2023 11:30

Ok - if it’s only been for the last month but previously it was every two to three months that you were all together - maybe something else entirely is going on with the DS?

He’s nervous about secondary school? Fallen out with a friend? Got the idea that you will be moving in and doesn’t like it?

Could you just give it some time?

RadioactiveWear · 27/02/2023 11:31

TBH I kind of take my hat off to the boy. Having to play happy families with my SM’s 3 DC has been my no. I bone of contention for 30 years. Even at mid 50’s, I hate hanging out with them. I hate being forced to play happy families to make my parent happy, at the expense of my own happiness.

MarieRoseMarie · 27/02/2023 11:31

I think OH needs to reassure his son. You aren’t moving in. You aren’t going to be around everyday with your DS. He needs to stop being so affectionate with your kids.

MarieRoseMarie · 27/02/2023 11:32

I also think your OH’s DS is unusually mature. Rather than sucking it up, he’s taking a stand. I think he’s brilliant.

Original poster
chipswitheveryting · 27/02/2023 11:32

MarieRoseMarie · 27/02/2023 11:31

I think OH needs to reassure his son. You aren’t moving in. You aren’t going to be around everyday with your DS. He needs to stop being so affectionate with your kids.

I agree

OP posts:
ZeroFuchsGiven · 27/02/2023 11:33

His son makes it impossible for us to have family days out or holidays together

You are not a family, his family is his Dad and his sister who he spends time with.

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 27/02/2023 11:33

arethereanyleftatall · 27/02/2023 11:26

Did you step in when your son cuddled his dad in front of him? Can you imagine how that felt for your partners ten year old child?!?

Why would she step in when he cuddled her partner? Surely that’s based on the relationship they have started to form. Stepping in just creates another set of issues between her kids and her partner when she is trying to build the relationship between them. The son’s reaction should be dealt with separately.

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