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Step-parenting

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Original poster

My partners son doesn't want to spend time with my son

157 replies

chipswitheveryting · 27/02/2023 10:31

So I have an 8 yo DS and partner has 10 yr old DS. His DS doesn't want to see or hang around with my son. We both also have older girls who are old enough to opt out of things and meet friends etc. But the boys need to be with us generally.

My OH will ask me to come over to his house, I have kids half the week. He only wants me, not my kids so only asks when I'm alone (there is space for us all and we have stayed in the past).

My OH will happily come to mine when my kids are there and has a good relationship with them.

His son makes it impossible for us to have family days out or holidays together.

We had talked about moving in together, we've been together 2.5 years. I now think we couldn't live together becaUse or his DS'S rejection of my DS.

My DS absolutely adores his DS, I feel so sad for him, my DS is a lovely kid. He's a bit of a sore loser so gets a bit grumpy when he realises he won't win a game and this is what other DS hangs all his anger on. We all have faults. His son does too.

My OH supports his DS in not making any effort, if he doesn't want to see him that's up to him. I think OH should make more effort to make his kid accommodate and get on better with mine.

What do you lot think??

OP posts:
hryllilegur · 27/02/2023 10:45

chipswitheveryting · 27/02/2023 10:41

You're all getting it wrong. I'm not forcing a close relationship, or for them to play together or anything. Just able to sit at the same table as me and OH and other 2 kids. Or be in same room as us all. his DS refuses to be anywhere that my kid is.

Given this… just how annoying is your DS?

Try to take off your maternal goggles and see what it’s like for a 10 year old who feels he’s forced to share his dad’s house with a child he obviously really doesn’t like.

you simply cannot make the children like each other. And you cannot just frame it all as DSS being the problem and insisting your partner just forces him to get on with your DS.

Starlitestarbright · 27/02/2023 10:45

Are the older girls expected to get along and go out together or do they have their own friends?

Original poster
chipswitheveryting · 27/02/2023 10:45

Thymee I think you're right in that he has a lot to deal with, with his parents split , but it's not like his DS just disappears to the bedroom. He puts his foot down and refuses for us to be in the same property or outside space if my son is there.

OP posts:
LaviniasBigBloomers · 27/02/2023 10:46

To be fair, seeing your updates I do have a point. There's no way in hell mine would be allowed to choose to not sit at the table with someone for an hour. They don't have to be friends, but they do have to be polite.

In fact, DS pretty much feels this way about one of his cousins, I don't force them together in any way but I expect him to say hello at family things, participate in group things together and eat politely.

Holidaying together may be a bit of a stretch, but they should definitely be able to tolerate each other.

That all said, this is a DP problem not a kid problem, isn't it? If your DP accepts this behaviour then there's not a lot you can do about it and personally I would end the relationship.

Cottagecheeseisnotcheese · 27/02/2023 10:46

for the time being I think your children should not be together, it will make it worse not better

fruitbrewhaha · 27/02/2023 10:47

It sounds like your boyfriends son is not accepting of your relationship with his father. For what ever reason and he is projecting that on your son. TBH it’s rare that someone in year 6 would want to hang out with a kid in year 4. They do think they are Tom grown up for the little kids and he perhaps thinks he will have to be friends with your son.

You’re just going to have to only see your partner when he hasn’t got his son around. He needs to put his son first. Just wait until the kids are older before you move in together.

Thepurplelantern · 27/02/2023 10:47

So a preteen going off to senior school. With his own thoughts and feelings. Who can decide who he's wants to spend time with.

^This. He doesn’t want to spend time with your son. Forcing this will making him feel resentful which will come out in other ways. You love your son but he doesn’t like him. His reasons might be irrational to you but liking someone is an emotional experience not a rational one. Are there people in the world you don’t like? How would you like if you were forced into a false relationship with them. Your expectations of your DH’s son are too high. Give it time and patience and perhaps your DH’s son might feel differently or not.

Original poster
chipswitheveryting · 27/02/2023 10:47

LaviniasBigBloomers · 27/02/2023 10:46

To be fair, seeing your updates I do have a point. There's no way in hell mine would be allowed to choose to not sit at the table with someone for an hour. They don't have to be friends, but they do have to be polite.

In fact, DS pretty much feels this way about one of his cousins, I don't force them together in any way but I expect him to say hello at family things, participate in group things together and eat politely.

Holidaying together may be a bit of a stretch, but they should definitely be able to tolerate each other.

That all said, this is a DP problem not a kid problem, isn't it? If your DP accepts this behaviour then there's not a lot you can do about it and personally I would end the relationship.

That's my point, just general politeness. It seems to be something people care about less now.

OP posts:
thymee · 27/02/2023 10:48

chipswitheveryting · 27/02/2023 10:45

Thymee I think you're right in that he has a lot to deal with, with his parents split , but it's not like his DS just disappears to the bedroom. He puts his foot down and refuses for us to be in the same property or outside space if my son is there.

Then this is something that he needs help with.

Your OH would not be a good parent to try and force them together or make his child be more accommodating to a situation that he didn't choose or have any control over.

You both need to be accepting of the 10-year-old's feelings and work together to help him to navigate this. Maybe he needs to talk to a counsellor or youth support worker, does his school provide anything like this?

Original poster
chipswitheveryting · 27/02/2023 10:48

And yes again, you say it's a DP problem, I think you've got the nail on the head

OP posts:
Cottagecheeseisnotcheese · 27/02/2023 10:49

@LaviniasBigBloomers the thing is your son probably only has to tolerate this cousin for a few hours a few times a year, the cousin is not moving in potentially for half the week

thymee · 27/02/2023 10:49

chipswitheveryting · 27/02/2023 10:48

And yes again, you say it's a DP problem, I think you've got the nail on the head

No it's not. Your partner is putting his son's needs first, which is exactly what he should be doing.

hryllilegur · 27/02/2023 10:49

Yea obviously children should be able to be polite and put up with each other.

But, if it’s at the point that one boy does not want to be in the same house as the other, there’s a big problem.

28January · 27/02/2023 10:49

When I work with kids from separated families a lot of the time they tell me that they hate being forced to spend time with other kids who are not their family and in many cases they don’t even like. Some kids are compliant and will suck it up, others - like your partner’ son - flatly refuse. It’s also a great way to make it difficult for his dad to spend time with you which I would imagine is deliberate. Doesn’t make him a horrible kid but children’s emotions around parental separation are often pretty complicated.

Talipesmum · 27/02/2023 10:49

In your shoes I think I’d need DP to acknowledge that this is really a problem for you both. I don’t think they should be forced to be friends or anything, but I do think it’s not ok for total refusal to be in the room. Your DP needs to try very hard to understand more about this - what’s going on in his DS’s mind? What is he worried about? There are plenty of options - he may be deliberately digging in cos he doesn’t want any moving in etc. It’s not an ideal way to go about it, but it does flag a big issue for the two of you. What do you both want long term / medium term / short term, and is any of that realistic? A child being very against family blending isn’t a minor problem - it’s a likely reason to call a halt.

Original poster
chipswitheveryting · 27/02/2023 10:50

Cottagecheeseisnotcheese · 27/02/2023 10:49

@LaviniasBigBloomers the thing is your son probably only has to tolerate this cousin for a few hours a few times a year, the cousin is not moving in potentially for half the week

The moving in thing is absolutely not happening now

OP posts:
EyesOnThePies · 27/02/2023 10:50

Siblings of that age bicker and fight a LOT. But also have a sibling relationship and know how to (sometimes) play together, have a day out.

Very very few 10 year olds want to play with 8 year olds. Different stages of development, older kids always find non sibling younger kids babyish and annoying.

You are trying to shoehorn your sons into a family relationship that doesn’t exist for them, because if your adult partnership.

Why should you dictate who a 10 year old child makes friends with?

hryllilegur · 27/02/2023 10:50

chipswitheveryting · 27/02/2023 10:48

And yes again, you say it's a DP problem, I think you've got the nail on the head

Maybe he thinks he’s got a DP problem and isn’t impressed with your DS or how you handle him.

have you considered that?

Starlitestarbright · 27/02/2023 10:50

Sometimes families don't need to blend this is one of those situations. I'm still interested in you expanding in your ds personality. I suspect he's alot more difficult than your willing to admit.

flutterbyebaby · 27/02/2023 10:51

Maybe your dp is OK with having is son as an excuse to not have you move in etc etc not goading, just a thought

LaviniasBigBloomers · 27/02/2023 10:51

Cottagecheeseisnotcheese · 27/02/2023 10:49

@LaviniasBigBloomers the thing is your son probably only has to tolerate this cousin for a few hours a few times a year, the cousin is not moving in potentially for half the week

Oh gosh @Cottagecheeseisnotcheese I absolutely don't think they should be even contemplating blending families or even holidaying. But the odd day out every couple of months, or going out to dinner for one of the girls' birthdays - that would be non-negotiable for me as a parent.

Thepurplelantern · 27/02/2023 10:51

chipswitheveryting · 27/02/2023 10:47

That's my point, just general politeness. It seems to be something people care about less now.

Show quote history

No this isn’t a case of just politely sitting at a table with a colleague or acquaintance, this is a case of adults expecting children to sweep away their emotions and thoughts to make the adults lives more comfortable ignoring the emotional consequences for the child. There is an enormous difference between the relational levels of colleagues, friends versus families. These things need to be managed carefully, considering the emotional impact they are having on the child not ignoring them.

EmilyGilmoresSass · 27/02/2023 10:51

chipswitheveryting · 27/02/2023 10:35

Yes he starts in September.

But it means we can never have days out together or holidays. And we can't live together.

Why should one kid dictate all of that?

Because he is his son and he comes first to him? Or so I'd like to think. Would you appreciate him trying to force your son to do something or like someone?

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 27/02/2023 10:52

Either the older Ds really really really dislikes your son, or, he is making things difficult for your relationship because he is really really really unhappy about the choices his dad has made and how that affects him (his parents splitting and new woman coming along).

Either of those are entirely valid feelings and will not be helped by forcing him to buckle and take acceptance of it all.

Let him stay apart but insist on minimum basic civility (help and goodbye) and no rudeness. And work round it and give it time.

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 27/02/2023 10:53

@Thepurplelantern 👏👏👏

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