My partners son doesn't want to spend time with my son

[chipswitheveryting]

So I have an 8 yo DS and partner has 10 yr old DS. His DS doesn't want to see or hang around with my son. We both also have older girls who are old enough to opt out of things and meet friends etc. But the boys need to be with us generally.

My OH will ask me to come over to his house, I have kids half the week. He only wants me, not my kids so only asks when I'm alone (there is space for us all and we have stayed in the past).

My OH will happily come to mine when my kids are there and has a good relationship with them.

His son makes it impossible for us to have family days out or holidays together.

We had talked about moving in together, we've been together 2.5 years. I now think we couldn't live together becaUse or his DS'S rejection of my DS.

My DS absolutely adores his DS, I feel so sad for him, my DS is a lovely kid. He's a bit of a sore loser so gets a bit grumpy when he realises he won't win a game and this is what other DS hangs all his anger on. We all have faults. His son does too.

My OH supports his DS in not making any effort, if he doesn't want to see him that's up to him. I think OH should make more effort to make his kid accommodate and get on better with mine.

What do you lot think??

Big difference is his Grandmother is his family. Ops son is not his family

The thing that is so often overlooked is that you can't blend a family that doesn't want to blend. It's a recipe for disaster all round.

Often adults are focusing on their own wants and needs and think that just forcing the issue will make it happen and everything will work out. Very often it can cause a lot of damage for all involved. It can irreparably damage a parent-child relationship, cause anxiety in kids being forced to cohabit with strangers and just as importantly, it can cause mental health issues for the step parents trying to make their happy ever after work. Just look at this board to see how miserable some SMs are trying to manage pissed off step kids, resentful children and ineffective partners.

If people don't want to blend they won't and forcing the issue will just cause negative behaviour to manifest in other areas.

Children don't have a choice parents have kids then split up then the adults go 'right this new adult is going to move in and they have kids and you just have to get on with it'

Sure not in those words but it is the case

Generally I’m all for parents actually parenting and teaching basic manners.

But in this situation it’s just like visiting a friend or being polite to people in the supermarket. This is the 10 year old’s home with his father. He’s trying to adjust to his dad’s new relationship and all that brings. The girlfriend has child whose behaviour isn’t great (even if described euphemistically by his mother) comes to stay and he’s probably expected to share his stuff with him. The boy, who isn’t his family or his friend - or even someone he wants as a friend) - even wants to hug his dad.

The reaction if refusing to be in the same building as the other boy might seem extreme. But he’s probably seen a creep in contact and expectations and fears more. So his response is to withdraw entirely. To refuse to participate. He’s going to need support and reassurance from his dad.

understanding this, his dad would prefer that his girlfriend visits him when she’s not got her son and he’s happy to visit her house without his son. The adults see each other, and build a relationship with each other’s kids, and the boys get to stay separate.

This isn’t a man trying to get his GF to take on his responsibilities. He sounds like he’s trying to balance his relationship with his son and figure a way through. He’s not asking for anything from the OP he isn’t doing himself - he visits her when her children are there but he’s not got his son.

The problem from the OP’s perspective is that this is a barrier to moving forward in the relationship. She was talking of moving in together as well as holidaying together and days out. She’s recognised that’s not on the cards right now.

Stepfamilies are hard. Forming them is not easy. Trying to force it while saying ‘the kids must be polite and tolerate each other’ is likely to end in unhappiness all round. Loads of people don’t recognise this til after they’ve moved in etc. I don’t think this man should be berated for having realised he needs to pull back on the kids mixing together at this point.

The OP’s son might be a lovely 8 year old. But that doesn’t mean a 10 year old is going to relish the prospect of sharing his dad-time with with him. Or that he’s wrong for not wanting to. Maybe pulling back now will actually open up the possibility of him accepting it in the longer term. After all, his dad is showing him that he will put him first and not force anything - so it might seem much less or a threat when you do try to introduce them again.

My DS absolutely adores his DS, I feel so sad for him, my DS is a lovely kid. He's a bit of a sore loser so gets a bit grumpy when he realises he won't win a game and this is what other DS hangs all his anger on

This is at odds with your aim of just wanting your partners son to just be polite/tolerate your son in the same room. It reads like you’ve attempted to push a friendship between them from the start and now it feels like the damage has been done.

My DS absolutely adores his DS, I feel so sad for him, my DS is a lovely kid. He's a bit of a sore loser so gets a bit grumpy when he realises he won't win a game and this is what other DS hangs all his anger on

I wonder if the 10 year old when this happens and in other situations is getting the 'come on now, you're older, let him win/give him this/do that' and he's getting upset and frustrated?

Younger kids always adore and look up to older kids and want to play with them.

Older kids rarely feel the same.

It's an old old story. I have seen kids send younger siblings off to 'hide' in hide and seek and just leave them there so older sibling could play with friend 'free' of younger siblings. I have had a load of 'older sibling' kids gather at our house to play after school because mine was the youngest and had no younger ones to bother them.

Parents of young kids don't understand and expect older ones to enjoy playing with their 'lovely' younger one.

It's a hard fact of life.

@chipswitheveryting I think you're getting a ridiculously hard time on here & I for one totally got what you meant, from the outset.
Your oh's ds sounds like he's severely lacking in manners & oh is letting him away with it. He's obviously not happy but is taking it out on your ds which is just not on.
Tbh if oh is not prepared to enforce basic manners such as being in the same room from time to time then you really do have a 'dp problem' & it won't get any better.
I do get that a 10yr old won't want to necessarily hang around with an 8yr old but his behaviour is very extreme & instead of getting to the root of it & addressing it your oh is allowing it dictate.
I'm of the firm opinion that SN aside no child should be allowed dictate a parents life. Kids opinions & feelings should be respected but they should not be allowed dictate.
I personally wouldn't want my 8 year old being in a situation where any adult (in this case your oh) was prepared to let him be treated so dismissively by anyone, let alone a 10 year old.
Personally I'd be gone as your oh obviously doesn't have any regard for your ds. Obviously, & rightly, his primary concern will be his own child, but most caring adults would not allow for another child to be treated this way.

@Caramia23
Why is it unreasonable for a child to request not to be forced to interact with certain people if they make him uncomfortable or sad? Not every child wants a reasonable facsimile type family relationship.

He is not asking his father to end the father's relationship with either the OP or her son. He is not asking the father that the dad not see them . He is only asking that he not be forced to interact with them.

Many people have stress the need for the child to be polite. I would imagine that he did ask his father in a polite manner not to be required to be in the company of the OP and her son. The tantrums were probably the outcome of his requests being denied.

Politeness should be extended in both directions. The child should not be rude, and it is also rude to force yourself upon people .

The OP and her partner can have a loving relationship even if their children were to never see each other. On the other hand the child 's relationship with his father may be irreparably damaged if the OP insists upon forcing contact and interaction with the son.

@Mari9999 I'm not saying the children should be forced together. I'm saying that they should be expected to behave well in a room together & to that end I'd also say that the op (if she hasn't already) needs to address her ds's competitive nature.
Learning to interact with people you don't naturally get along with is a valuable life skill (as is learning to loose) & the 10 yr old is not going to be able to stamp his foot & avoid anyone he doesn't like as he moves through life. 8yr old children are rarely the devil incarnate & so I would very much guess that this issue actually has very little to do with op's son (he's just the scapegoat) & therefore the oh is not actually addressing what's actually going on.

It's very difficult to maintain a loving relationship when your children won't even be in the same room. I had a similar issue with my dh's son & my dd. My dd had no issue with dh or his elder 2 but his youngest who is the same age as her was awful to her which dh tolerated.
We split up as I wasn't prepared to have dd as someone else's emotional punching bag & eventually got back together & married after dh went to therapy and was told that his ds's behaviour was off & that he was not handling it well. This kid is now 17 & while he still projects onto dd & we don't have them together very often he is polite with her & is called out (by dh) when he's not.
I should add that dss is like this but to a lesser extent with many people & he has lost friends due to it as he places himself in competition with everyone except his brothers who are very easygoing & who just ignore (not in a nasty way) this aspect of his behaviour.

They barely have any overlap time though : could you make the Sunday a day where you go out with your DS and your DP with his DS ? You can either for ex have Mac Donald’s or cheap tea both on your different sides.
To me if seems a little silly, when I read I thought they would be spending much time together !
Put a hold on family days out etc, maybe he’ll come around, maybe not. Ime, it seems a bit silly if it’s just on Sundays

@chipswitheveryting if you OP’s son really wants to, they can have breakfast separately on Monday too. If this is not feasible re organization, make it his only compromise ?

I mean Idk what other posters think, isn’t Sunday hardly a huge time if they each do things with their kids separately ?
When I initially read the thread I agreed this could be really tough, but it’s not like they spend days together

@Caramia23
Children learn from early stages how to tolerate people who they do not like . it may be a classmate, a teacher, a teammate, etc. Life instills these lessons even when parents fail to do so.

This is a different scenario. The lesson that this child is likely learning is that even his home is not his safe or sanctuary space. He has expressed an intense desire not to be forced into the presence of a certain person . This is neither a necessary of unavoidable experience that this child must have. This is a totally arbitrary situation in which the child is placed in order to satisfy the social wants of the 2 adults.

The 2 adults have the opportunity to meet without this child being present. However inconvenient it may be for the adults, they too should be reminded that in life sometimes you have to do things in a way that you might not prefer. This is a life lesson that all seem to want the child to learn, but the OP seems to think it unfair that this life lesson should apply to the time spent with her partner.

Women on this site frequently tout the importance of their home as their sanctuary where the should be safe and free from external intrusion. This child is being told that his home really isn't his safe place or his sanctuary. It is a space into which the menace that he fear is being invited in and made welcome by the very person who is suppose to be his protector.

Respecting the child's anxiety is not allowing him to dictate instead it is being mindful of his feelings and doing a work around which allows the OP and the dad to continue to spend time together without adding to the child's anxiety.

So many children's anxieties are often ignored on the altar of politeness or social amenities without real attention being paid to what the child is actually trying to say. That is often how weird Uncle Joe or creepy Cousin Harry continue to have access to the children that they are harming. This example may seem extreme but the outcomes all rise from the same philosophy. Children don't dictate adult social interactions, and it is the parents who decide the social schedule and guest list for the home .

Ignoring a child's extreme anxiety over certain situations can often result in peril to the child and to the child/parent relationship.

@Caramia23 I definitely wasn’t saying to ignore the child’s anxiety.
Just that, as it’s only one day overlap, they don’t actually have to see each other if each parent takes their kids for a day out or something, especially as the dad still has his house they could just stay entirely there.
This would give the child time to process his feelings (a couple of months, two years, who knows)

It would be different of course if the child didn’t tolerate OP or the sisters, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.
Dad should definitely keep his home though

I wonder if, in time (maybe a lot of time) the oldest could feel more comfortable if it was OP and her kids trying a short visit at his dad’s house, then it’s his territory, his dad, you all are just guests.

@Mari9999 I never said the child's anxiety should be ignored. I have repeatedly said the dad is not addressing underlying issues as a 10 year old having such an extreme reaction to an 8 year old is indicative of something more going on be that an anxiety or just a spoiled kid.
Most kids don't take such a massive dislike to another unless there is bullying going on & op gives no indication that her 8 yr old is bullying the 10 year old.

Sorry I got my quotes messed up @Caramia23
I agree there’s surely something underlying, it may be just really struggling to adapt. But these are quite strong stances for a 10yo

I completely agree with this. I feel really sorry for your poor DS. Imagine if it were the other way round and you told your DP that his son was no longer welcome in your home even for an hour. I bet he would be disgusted, as I would be if any partner of mine put this rule in place about my DC.

Urrrghhh this would irritate me. Why should one child have so much control! Who cares if he doesn't like him. All your asking for is him to be civil and have manners. Your DH should be having a word. Maybe living together is a bit much too soon but days out or a holiday should be manageable.

They don't get on and there is nothing you can do about it.

You can't force a kid to like another kid and want to spend time with them.

Probably there is also some general resentment about his father's new relationship.

It doesn't sound like a happy situation all around.

You are not going to get what you want: everyone getting on and one big happy family.

So you either reconsider the relationship or accept you will never be able to move in together or have a close relationship with his kids, as the girls also don't seem to be that keen on you either...

@leelan
Why if the OP and her partner can have a day out or some holiday time without the son, is she so insistent that the child must be both present and polite? The OP, her child, and her partner can actually spend time together without the partner's son.

No one has explained quite why the OP thinks that the son need be present.. She can still maintain her romantic relationship with the dad. She can even use the words "family time" as long as her definition of family does not include her partner's son.

I think being rude is unacceptable, but I also think that forcing yourself on others a private social situation where you know that you are not wanted is also a form of rude behavior.

The child has demonstrated more wisdom than the adults in this situation. He has effectively said " do as you wish , but please do not involve me .". Never was it stated that the child asked his father to stop seeing the OP or her son, the child's only request was that he not be present for those events.

Those feelings may change over time, but there should be no real problem with honoring the child's respect as it does not require a sacrifice on anyone's part. It may require thoughtful planning but really nothing else.

Urrrghhh this would irritate me. Why should one child have so much control!

This

@Coffeepot72
The one child is only asking to have some control and say over his own presence and attendance. Why should one other person who is in no way related to the child assume that they should have the right (solely for purposes of advancing their social and romantic agenda) to expect or dictate that the child be present and involved in activities of that person's choice?