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Step-parenting

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Original poster

My partners son doesn't want to spend time with my son

157 replies

chipswitheveryting · 27/02/2023 10:31

So I have an 8 yo DS and partner has 10 yr old DS. His DS doesn't want to see or hang around with my son. We both also have older girls who are old enough to opt out of things and meet friends etc. But the boys need to be with us generally.

My OH will ask me to come over to his house, I have kids half the week. He only wants me, not my kids so only asks when I'm alone (there is space for us all and we have stayed in the past).

My OH will happily come to mine when my kids are there and has a good relationship with them.

His son makes it impossible for us to have family days out or holidays together.

We had talked about moving in together, we've been together 2.5 years. I now think we couldn't live together becaUse or his DS'S rejection of my DS.

My DS absolutely adores his DS, I feel so sad for him, my DS is a lovely kid. He's a bit of a sore loser so gets a bit grumpy when he realises he won't win a game and this is what other DS hangs all his anger on. We all have faults. His son does too.

My OH supports his DS in not making any effort, if he doesn't want to see him that's up to him. I think OH should make more effort to make his kid accommodate and get on better with mine.

What do you lot think??

OP posts:
Cottagecheeseisnotcheese · 27/02/2023 10:53

maybe if DP's son was reassured he only needed to deal with OP's son for a few hours a few times a year he might be OK but he is digging his heels in because he feels he might need to deal with the Op's son half the week every week

Starlitestarbright · 27/02/2023 10:53

Somethings gone on for him to not even want to be in the same room I suspect its your sons behaviour tbh op.

Talipesmum · 27/02/2023 10:54

It’s different to expecting a child to be polite to visitors. That’s a clear expectation. But this isn’t at all the same - it’s a much more loaded “friendship”. It’s very likely it’s not about your son at all - more about the relationship and what it’s progression might imply.

BeExcellent2EachOther · 27/02/2023 10:54

OP, if a family member of yours unilaterally decided that you should have to spend the next decade living with someone you dislike/don't get on with; how would you feel about that?

Would you say A) "that's fine, because I want to make X happy" and go along with it?
Or would you think B) "fuck that! I don't want to live with this practical stranger that I have nothing in common with and who annoys the shit out of me!"?

I think most adults would think option B) and this is probably what your DP's son is thinking.

DPs children are in his home to have contact time with him, not you and your DC.

Their Dad's home should be their safe-haven, where they can relax, spend time with their parent or time on their own without being asked to entertain a kid a couple of years younger.

Can you really not see it from your DP's son's perspective?

Unless you would be completely happy with a random person that you dislike moving into your home, why would you expect anyone else to be happy with it?

tootiredtospeak · 27/02/2023 10:54

Jeez harsh responses on here my son is 10 Y6 and I would expect better behaviour if I am honest what if this was a cousin or family freind you wouldn't just accept him refusing to spend any time together and be pleasant how rude. I would be having a chat with my kid and making sure I found a compromise. So time alone with parent but some time together and if they couldn't behave or be kind at the very least they would have a punishment. Anyone who thinks a 10yr old should dictate who they do or dont spend time with and what exactly should happen in that time is in for a rough ride.

Moonicorn · 27/02/2023 10:54

You are trying to shoehorn your sons into a family relationship that doesn’t exist for them, because if your adult partnership.

Nail on head.

Does your son have his own firm friends OP?

hallodarknessmyoldfriend · 27/02/2023 10:55

I think forcing your DSS and your DS to be around each other is not a solution. I agree that they should be polite and able to spend an hour in the same room every now and then, but it doesn't sound like it's a good idea to be blending your families.

I would definitely step back and spend less time all together.

tootiredtospeak · 27/02/2023 10:55

Living is a different boat but just spending the odd family day together is fine people are so weird on here.

PermanentTemporary · 27/02/2023 10:58

I'd agree that moving in together is a really bad idea.

See how the future looks to you if you just carry on dating each other instead of trying to blend families. Is that something you'd want, or is it not enough?

ArcticSkewer · 27/02/2023 10:58

Why would your partner spend his contact time with his son hanging out with people his son doesn't like?

If you did want to live together you could explore switching the contact times up so each child gets better quality time with their parent.
Eg your son's week with you doesn't coincide with his son's week with him.

I know plenty of people who work it that way

MonkeyMindAllOverAround · 27/02/2023 10:58

Honestly, count your blessings, you have 2 houses and therefore independence, the days he is catching up with his kid present the perfect opportunity for you to relax, catch up with your child and your friends and do all those things you can’t easily do while your partner is around.

Holidays are possible, organise what you want on days that do not affect his contact pattern and invite him to join in, you can ask his children if they want to join and nothing happens if they don’t. He can organise his own trips with his kids when he pleases.

Cottagecheeseisnotcheese · 27/02/2023 11:01

maybe DP's son is scared that if he tolerates OP's son or is nice to him, they (OP & DP) will think it's going better and then think they can meet more often so he has to psychologically up the ante to stop his seeming compliance being taken as consent to move to more visits , it is different to cousin or acquaintance visit as you know your politeness will not result in being expected to deal with it at greater and greater frequencies it will still be months before they come again, so you know you only have to put with Aunty Sue and cousin Pete for 6 hours and that's it till the summer holidays, not if I put up with Aunty Sue and cousin Pete nicely then they'll start coming every two weeks for a weekend

lunar1 · 27/02/2023 11:02

Your partners son is protesting in the only way he can, he might not even mind your ds, this may just be the only way he can say he doesn't want to end up living with yours.

It's in no way similar to putting up with a cousin you aren't keen on.

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 27/02/2023 11:02

tootiredtospeak · 27/02/2023 10:54

Jeez harsh responses on here my son is 10 Y6 and I would expect better behaviour if I am honest what if this was a cousin or family freind you wouldn't just accept him refusing to spend any time together and be pleasant how rude. I would be having a chat with my kid and making sure I found a compromise. So time alone with parent but some time together and if they couldn't behave or be kind at the very least they would have a punishment. Anyone who thinks a 10yr old should dictate who they do or dont spend time with and what exactly should happen in that time is in for a rough ride.

But a cousin or family friend is no threat.
The older Ds might be well aware that talk of moving in together was afoot and if he played happy families in that 'politely tolerating an annoying cousin' way, it would likely result in his dad living with said kid and him having to tolerate an even closer and more frequent relationship.

'gets a bit grumpy when he knows he's losing' seems likely to be disingenuous to me and he's really been a walking on egg shells pain in the rear for the other boy.
The op expressing dismay the older Ds is not being expected to be polite is hypocritical really because I think being a sore loser should not be tolerated either.

aSofaNearYou · 27/02/2023 11:03

I do think he needs to be more polite but at the same time, his rudeness is possibly being increased by fear that he's going to have to end up living with this kid. If I were his dad I'd reassure him you aren't moving in together at present, but he needs to be less rude when you do meet up as all kids can be annoying, including him, and it's not reasonable for him to act that way about it.

8 can be a very annoying age IMO. 10 can be too if they haven't made the developmental leap from hyper child to sulky preteen yet, but somewhere around there they start to make the transition and younger kids can seem really annoying to them. You might find they get along better when they're both teenagers, but best to take the pressure off now and just make meeting up an occasional thing, to give that the best chance of happening.

BeExcellent2EachOther · 27/02/2023 11:03

@tootiredtospeak but the DS isn't being invited on a family day out (which in fact he might love) he's being invited out with his Dad, his Dad's girlfriend and his Dad's girlfriend's kids.

The person his dad is dating (& their kids) aren't his family.

I wouldn't feel happy spending my free time going out with some random people that I don't like, but you're suggesting the son should just suck it up.

And the prize for sucking it up? Spending more time (& potentially living with) the people whose company he doesn't enjoy.

No wonder the poor kid is putting his foot down now. He's saying no to the meals etc so it doesn't evolve into a living together situation.

Original poster
chipswitheveryting · 27/02/2023 11:04

My son is generally lovely and has a nice personality, he has lots of friends. But he is a sore loser, he just gets a bit huffy if he loses.

But I know oh DS was jealous when my son cuddled up to his dad once, he got jealous. I think it stems from this. Particularly with the divorce and everything.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 27/02/2023 11:04

chipswitheveryting · 27/02/2023 10:35

Yes he starts in September.

But it means we can never have days out together or holidays. And we can't live together.

Why should one kid dictate all of that?

Because the kids never asked for you and him to be together

Do step parents or future step parents have to be told the obvious?

Original poster
chipswitheveryting · 27/02/2023 11:05

flutterbyebaby · 27/02/2023 10:51

Maybe your dp is OK with having is son as an excuse to not have you move in etc etc not goading, just a thought

Good point and possibly true

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 27/02/2023 11:06

Apart from jealousy of the cuddles, how is the DS when it is just you?

How often does your DP have his kids?

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 27/02/2023 11:07

Let him have space then. The life upheaval the kids has had in his short life has been huge.
If he pins a smile on now it will be fake.
If you let him keep his distance (which is, let's face it, his honest emotional reality) he might come around in his own time when he sees his parents moved on and happy and the annoying young kid become more interesting etc
Think of him like a cat. The more you force it the less likely it will be to end well. Just keep making your space and company seem inviting and he'll warm to it when he's ready.
You need to respect what he's been through. He could still be grieving for his parents not being together.

Original poster
chipswitheveryting · 27/02/2023 11:08

tootiredtospeak · 27/02/2023 10:54

Jeez harsh responses on here my son is 10 Y6 and I would expect better behaviour if I am honest what if this was a cousin or family freind you wouldn't just accept him refusing to spend any time together and be pleasant how rude. I would be having a chat with my kid and making sure I found a compromise. So time alone with parent but some time together and if they couldn't behave or be kind at the very least they would have a punishment. Anyone who thinks a 10yr old should dictate who they do or dont spend time with and what exactly should happen in that time is in for a rough ride.

That's exactly what I was thinking!

OP posts:
Workawayxx · 27/02/2023 11:08

I think regardless of any rights, wrongs, fault in it all, the fact is this is how his DS feels. So you can't move in together and you can't spend any time all together. So you need to decide if you're happy enough to continue to only see your DP when you don't have your DS or if you need to separate. Who knows, in a few years things could be different but forcing it now will not be good for anyone so you just need to accept it. I'd also suggest your DP reassures his DS that you aren't going to live together in case he's worrying about that and hanging it all on your DS.

Original poster
chipswitheveryting · 27/02/2023 11:12

SheilaFentiman · 27/02/2023 11:06

Apart from jealousy of the cuddles, how is the DS when it is just you?

How often does your DP have his kids?

We both have our kids half and half, but on different days. Overlap would be Sunday through the day and Sunday night/ Monday morning

OP posts:
Starlitestarbright · 27/02/2023 11:12

How long was the divorce but you got together?