Moan about my DSD

[hestonis]

DSD is 10 and we have her every weekend, sometimes just the Sunday and sometimes Saturday to Sunday overnight, also two weekdays but not overnight
This week we've had her two nights and oh my god I've found it emotionally draining, I know I shouldn't complain but I've got no one to talk to about it.
I find she treats me like the competition in her fathers affection, everything she does is to impress him, and I know there is nothing wrong with that but when she sits on his lap and ruffles his hair it makes me feel a little ill.
It actually completely puts me off my DH, maybe she knows this. She has a very contrary attitude and almost everything I say she picks apart. Ie I said I was going to the hairdresser the next day and it was all 'are your roots your real colour?' 'Why not try not dying it' 'why do you go all the way there for your hair to get done' etc etc.
anyway I know I'll get torn apart for this but I just find her exhausting.
It doesn't help that my husband works away and only seems to come home for his contact time with her.
I just hope she grows out of it

I'm sorry this is a bit ridiculous to me??? Why are you competing with a 10 year old?? I don't see how her sitting on her father's lap and ruffling his hair makes you "ill." That's her dad OP, she will want to show affection, it's perfectly normal. If that was your DC together, you'd be fine with it. And him coming home for contact with her isn't ridiculous at all - he's making the most of the little time he gets to see his daughter, he's being a good father. You aren't unreasonable to want more time with him, but don't blame that on his daughter.

Honestly her showing affection and spending time with her father putting you off DH is quite concerning. I feel quite sorry for her really the way you say she has a contrary attitude. She's simply making convo by asking about her hair, maybe you're more introverted like me - I too would find that tiring but remember she's 10!! Of course she'll be exhausting but she is a child. I doubt your DH would be comfy with you talking about her.

I just struggle to sympathise. She hasn't done anything wrong from what I can see. Perfectly normal, healthy child.

Sorry but she's a kid, he's her dad. I have a 10 year old boy and that's the sort of thing he'd say too! I'd suggest not having a partner with kids, they'll always put their children first ... and if they don't they're arseholes anyway.

It’s not unreasonable to find her a but annoying but she’s 10
and it’s not unreasonable to wish he was home other than contact time but that’s not her fault

but it is unreasonable to not wonder why this 10 year old is so desperate for her dads attention and feels she needs to compete with you for it.

The thing is I don't take the attention away from her at all, i am all for them spending time themselves. He has a younger daughter too who is what I consider very normal with affection and I really genuinely think she's great.
It's hard to put in words what she does and how he responds that makes me feel it's a bit off, just a feeling I get, I am the least jealous person too. I don't think it's jealousy as just not really understanding the relationship

He's also confided that he loves the older child more than the younger, it's kind of obvious too, this makes me a bit more open and caring with the younger one so sometimes I suppose it feels like we are picking sides which isn't healthy

Poor kid. She's only young. I doubt she's treating you like the competition, she just loves her Dad!

My DCs step Mum was like you btw. Well maybe more extreme. Hated him showing them any affection. Wouldn't let them sit next to him on the sofa because that was her seat. Sadly for them he chose getting his dick wet over his DC. They barely see him now.

@MillicentTrilbyHiggins you sound very crude
It's perfectly normal for a wife to sit by her husband
My mum and dad sit next to each other on the same sides, we never sat on their seats. Is she to mice over because the kids arrive? Why should she?

Your new comments do make me wonder a bit - I don't know the exact situation but I do think the loving his older daughter over the younger one is wrong, really sad honestly. Kids notice things, she has most likely picked up on it. That's another thing entirely but it is really quite sad.

From what you've said, it isn't a jealousy thing. But you'll have to let it be. Your DH will always prioritize his daughter over you, that's the normal thing. Their relationship could be different to what you've seen, doesn't mean it's any less normal.

But out of curiosity...could you try and explain better what exactly it is your DSD does??? And how does your DH react? Like a better example because I am struggling to see how a father-daughter relationship could be so bad it makes you ill.

Sorry I think you misunderstood her. Of course it is normal but what she said was that the wife wouldn't let them show affection to their father AT ALL. And clearly there are more issues considering in the end the father doesn't see them at all, and yet still sees the wife. She isn't crude at all for wanting her DC to have their father.

Yes it's perfectly normal. She had 6 other days in the week to do so. She sees him everyday. She sleeps in the same bed as him everynight.
They were (at the time) 2 little boys who missed their Daddy and wanted to actually spend time with him ón the one day per week that he saw them. Yet she couldn't even let them have 1 movie sat next to him! They also weren't allowed to hold his hands when they were out because she wanted to.

Did your parents show you affection at other times? Or did they spent the only 8 hours per week you were with them banning each other from being near you so they didn't get jealous?

@ourflagmeansdeath it's hard to explain, like we all went swimming a few weeks ago and he completely ignored his younger daughter and messed around with his older one. You'd expect in that situation that a 10yo and 7yo would play together but 10yo just played with her dad, he'd go under water and 'frighten' her by pulling her ankles and then throwing balls at her. Younger daughter and I may as well been invisible. He'd occasionally remember and put in a bit of effort but it was very contrived

@ourflagmeansdeath when he did give attention to me or younger girl she'd come over. Dad dad da watch me dive or some such
It's just very tiring

The difference in how he treats his DDs is very sad @hestonis . I wonder if your 'dislike' of the older one is a manifestation of that unfair treatment? I guess I might feel that I had to love the younger one a bit more to make up for it.

Well I do see what you mean in the sense of the 7 year old - this isn't healthy for her, she deserves time with her father. Do the 10 and 7 year old have a good sisterly relationship??

What about their mother?? Does she know that he favourtises one and is she more equal in her love shared?

I feel like you should let the father know to care for the 7 yr old more - it's not the fact he's ignoring you, although that is quite sad - a father should prioritize his kids but hardly spending time with you just makes the relationship seem a bit pointless, but more sadness for the 7 year old.

This is very strange. It's quite normal for a child to be physically affectionate with their parent. It depends on the child too. Two of mine are snugglers and one isn't.
Why does the fact she sits on his lap and ruffles his hair make you feel ill? I don't really understand. She's his daughter. She's not in competition with you.

Yes @MillicentTrilbyHiggins sometimes I do think that but me favouring the younger one because of that just compounds the situation. Should I tell him I've noticed? I know he's told me he loves 10yo more but should I point out its obvious

I'd tell him if it were me.

I am sorry - I think I understand a little more now I know about the other sister. That being said, she is a normal girl, there's a lot at that age who are attention seeking and want everything on them. Your DH is quite in the wrong here - her behaviour is fine only if the younger one gets the attention too. For example, he should say "Yes, in a minute, playing with DD2 right now!" if she comes over.

I think she'll grow out of it but I understand how tiring it is. Definitely make sure the younger daughter gets the love she deserves.

@ourflagmeansdeath I have no idea if mum knows. The older one is referred to as a daddy's girl and always has been. He left when the 7yo was under a year old.

How would I explain that? He think I'm always getting at him about them, I asked if they could have a bed time, help a bit around the house... just normal stuff but he think I'm hard on them

Yes I really hope she grows out of it, I'm not sure if I could cope with a teenager behaving like it

Seems like a dad whose spoiling his children tbh, a 7 and 10 year old should def have a bedtime. But start off by telling him that the 7 year old needs more love without mentioning too much the attention seeking behaviour of the 10 year old. That isn't you getting at them at all, but simply looking out for one daughter. If he attacks you at this, then he's honestly not a nice guy. But hopefully, he should listen to you - and if not, you can decide what movements to make then.

The thing is I don't take the attention away from her at all,
why are you assuming it’s about you. If she feels she needs to be desperate for his attention there’s something wrong. It’s not about being defensive, it’s about figuring out why she’s acting this way. Assuming she is acting weird at all

your updates are weird though.
you’ve come here to rant about your DSD putting you off DP, when you have a DP who literally ignores one of his children? How is that not the thing that makes you ill and puts you off him?
your poor other DSD

@Landndialamrhf I suppose it's just occasionally it's so obvious, but definitely an undercurrent always exists. I can't tell him to love one child as much as the other. He just didn't bond with her I suppose. I think in a narcissistic way he likes the attention the older one gives him