Moan about my DSD

[hestonis]

DSD is 10 and we have her every weekend, sometimes just the Sunday and sometimes Saturday to Sunday overnight, also two weekdays but not overnight
This week we've had her two nights and oh my god I've found it emotionally draining, I know I shouldn't complain but I've got no one to talk to about it.
I find she treats me like the competition in her fathers affection, everything she does is to impress him, and I know there is nothing wrong with that but when she sits on his lap and ruffles his hair it makes me feel a little ill.
It actually completely puts me off my DH, maybe she knows this. She has a very contrary attitude and almost everything I say she picks apart. Ie I said I was going to the hairdresser the next day and it was all 'are your roots your real colour?' 'Why not try not dying it' 'why do you go all the way there for your hair to get done' etc etc.
anyway I know I'll get torn apart for this but I just find her exhausting.
It doesn't help that my husband works away and only seems to come home for his contact time with her.
I just hope she grows out of it

How on earth is she behaving like a brat? I feel sorry for both little girls. I would find it hard to love a man who played favourites like that. It sounds like the only brat here is the father.

Internalised misogyny starts at a young age, easier to blame a child who probably loves and misses her dad. Ask any mother if they have a problem with their child hugging and sitting on their dad they would say no, just bizarre having jealousy over a child.

Thing is when are you getting any affection from him OP? Does he make time for your relationship too? You say he only comes back for contact and then they don’t have a bed time or anything so when do you actually get time as a couple?

Being the golden child can be just as damaging as being the black sheep. Your DSD1 has been put into this position by your DH. I couldn't watch this dynamic and not say something. Your DH is a shit father and sounds like a shit husband too.

Sorry if i've missed an update, OP, but do you have any children with your DH?

I think you need to refocus from the daughter to her father. If he’s prioritising one child, not disciplining and playing Disney dad….then he is the issue, not the child. She’s just found a way to get her needs met that has been effective.

These kind of threads can often be refocused in this way.

Non-resident fathers are often good at making it feel like the children or the stepmother or the ex (or some combination of the above) is the problem. In this case, it feels like it’s his eldest daughter’s behaviour that’s a problem to the OP.

But, actually, the problem is a partner who works away and only returns for contact. Then during that contact he fails to parent adequately and very obviously favours one child. The result is that his eldest daughter’s behaviour is problematic for the OP - but it’s likely that her behaviour is a response to her father’s failures.

That’s because it’s your mum and dad. You’re not this girls mum. Sit next to him on the 5 days a week you don’t have her. I always find couples that need to cling to each other and hold hands constantly to be really needy and joyless.

It’s pure and simple jealousy. That’s why these threads are always moaning about step daughters and more rarely step sons - they can’t bear the fact their boyfriend shows his own daughter affection, yes even physical affection. They make out they’re all fine with it at first to reel him in then start whinging and ‘needing’ to sit next to him all the time.

The first and only time he mentioned his favouritism was quite early in the relationship, he said he went to pick up the children from his exes and the elder child ran into his arms and he gave her a big hug and held her, he said he hadn't noticed his younger child had ran up too. It really struck him that he hadn't noticed her and the realisation dawned on him. I did think it was sad but equally I thought it might be normal to favour one child, especially as the older one is such a 'daddy's girl'. I'm sure if I said that I'd noticed he would be absolutely appalled and try to do something about it but what can he actually do if he doesn't realise, he's not being nasty or vindictive, he loves them both but just not equally

It's funny too because I think the younger child is actually the kinder and more engaging child, she is funny and cheeky. The difference is she isn't as needy, he maybe sees the elders neediness as validation, but I just find it annoying, over the top and isolating for everyone else

She can’t ‘sit next to him on the other 5 days’ as her husband only comes back home for contact with his children so OP doesn’t see him during the week.

I don't think this is normal or reasonable tbh. I would feel absolutely horrendous if I acted that way with my two children.

When my DD hugs and sits next to her dad my heart melts. I can hug DH later when we go to bed. There's nothing wrong with a child having physical affection with their parent.

The younger child has learned to know her place and I find that very sad. Your man has a lot to answer for OP

Is she to mice over because the kids arrive? Why should she?
Yes she should, the children have a right to sit next to their father! Honestly I would find a relationship a bit odd if the couple always insisted on sitting next to each other and in the same seats all the time. That doesn't sound at all healthy.

Don't have dc with this man OP as you'll end up very unhappy and potentially a single parent. I think you need to really to examine why you "feel sick" when a 10 year old is hugging/sitting with her father. I think deep down you are jealous. My step mum was exactly the same, I think it's quite common.

It's not really normal to insist it be either way around, thinking the partner must move over because the child has a right to sit by their father is equally weird.

People should just be able to sit wherever and not attach a hierarchy to it.

@Barannca I never insist on sitting next to my husband, they were talking about someone else.
My husband asks the children to move if I come in and they are sitting together, I sometimes say 'oh don't worry about it I'll sit on this one' sometimes I let them move.

OP is the only one making it hierarchical.

So what’s the big deal?

You sound like a dick tbh and pretty immature so maybe go find another dick without baggage lol

Honestly from your perspective this isn't a healthy relationship, feeling put out by a child interacting with a parent? Your description of a ten year old girl with her father is concerning and not a typical view - have you an affectionate relationship with your father?

There is probably a number of things leading to the dynamic with the older child - I am assuming he was with DD1 24/7 - so they developed a good bond. His DD1 could probably be unconsciously engaging in behaviour they always had as a method to keep the bond.

The DD2 was under a year, there probably was a lead up of an unhappy relationship to the break up so that probably did impact the father and second daughter developing that tight bond.

You may be reacting to the unfairness between the siblings. I would argue this isn't conscious and probably is likely in a lot of similar family set ups.

Parental bonding is linked to the day to day mundane, the daily physical interactions, the small in-jokes etc and it is very hard to develop them in when living apart. I have seen this with my two children and their father - there is a very big difference in their relationships and it isn't anyone's fault.

@MillicentTrilbyHiggins Were you with them when all these incidences happen or are they what you were told?

Definitely read "Stepmonster" and get your husband too. It will change your life!

My personal view is that it's lovely for parents to get cuddles with the kids they don't see often but if you are already sitting next to your DP and DSD comes along you shouldn't be obliged to move, but likewise if she is sitting next to her dad and you come along, she shouldn't be obliged to move.

Your DP is not an object to be fought over, that will only feed the beast that sometimes arises in Stepfamilies. Google mini-wife syndrome.....

Good luck OP, and don't feel bad for having complicated feelings. Mumsnet can be pretty low empathy when it comes to stepmums :)