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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Moan about my DSD

161 replies

hestonis · 20/02/2023 23:42

DSD is 10 and we have her every weekend, sometimes just the Sunday and sometimes Saturday to Sunday overnight, also two weekdays but not overnight
This week we've had her two nights and oh my god I've found it emotionally draining, I know I shouldn't complain but I've got no one to talk to about it.
I find she treats me like the competition in her fathers affection, everything she does is to impress him, and I know there is nothing wrong with that but when she sits on his lap and ruffles his hair it makes me feel a little ill.
It actually completely puts me off my DH, maybe she knows this. She has a very contrary attitude and almost everything I say she picks apart. Ie I said I was going to the hairdresser the next day and it was all 'are your roots your real colour?' 'Why not try not dying it' 'why do you go all the way there for your hair to get done' etc etc.
anyway I know I'll get torn apart for this but I just find her exhausting.
It doesn't help that my husband works away and only seems to come home for his contact time with her.
I just hope she grows out of it

OP posts:
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FfoxRedN · 22/02/2023 13:08

hestonis · 21/02/2023 23:52

I am very careful
You are all saying the dad should make sure he shows he loves the younger child like the older one but if that's true that you can't hide your true feelings then why bother, she'll know anyway
Can't win with you lot, first you say 'make sure you love them like your own'
Next it's 'they arnt yours so don't you dare love them'
Then it's 'if you don't love them pretend to'
Then it's 'why pretend,they arnt stupid!'

This is MN all over. The sensible replies here I would say are from those who have outed themselves as Step Parents too.
In summary, it isn't bloody easy, and you're restricted with what you can do about it.
Talk to DH, tell him how you feel so it doesn't snow ball. It does get easier when they are older in my experience, but it IS hard! Good luck xx

hryllilegur · 22/02/2023 13:13

Feefee00 · 22/02/2023 12:31

Oh god no it's not spouseification there's no hierarchy, a 10 year old is a child who might still need regular tactile touch. If parent and child enjoy it there's no harm. I have never known a mother have a problem with DC having tactile touch with their father. It's normal not weird. I think it's sweet, my friend who is a SM thinks it's sweet when her DSD who's 12 hugs her dad!

Show quote history

You think…

but other people might think differently.

Touch can be many things and - for a whole range of reasons - different people
will have different comfort levels. It does not mean their children are neglected because it’s not how you’d do it. Or your one friend who is a stepmum either.

I didn’t say anything about spousification. Or hierarchy.

Feefee00 · 22/02/2023 13:16

hestonis · 22/02/2023 12:53

@Feefee00 is more than just hugging though, it's sitting on his lap and gazing into his eyes, stroking etc. sorry if my reaction is so far removed from a mothers reaction but it just gives me the ick! I'll maybe try bonding with her more as previous posters mentioned and see what happens. I suppose if I knew it was just a phase then I'd feel better, what age does this become inappropriate? Does it ever become inappropriate to sit in a fathers lap and stroke his hair? If it does then at what age? Id like to be guided on this, he used to go in the bathroom with them up until very recently which I thought was odd but that has stopped now

She's only 10 still a child it will probably stop around puberty 12 when children become more aware of their bodies and boundaries kids all develop differently . I occasionally hug and kiss my dad now on the cheek and I'm nearly 30!!!

Ashorthistoryfan · 22/02/2023 14:00

Not putting myself on a pedestal at all @Birdsbirdsbirds😂Though I'm quite happy to be thought of as a controlling mother if that's the title you give to mothers who dare to care about their children's wellbeing...

As for no stepmother ever knowing what they're getting themselves into - well, not completely I suppose, but some people are more inclined to thought and planning and preparation than others. And it's not like the kids are a surprise addition to the family (as they sometimes can be to biological parents)!
I have a feeling your point-of-view is ever so slightly biased🤔

Birdsbirdsbirds · 22/02/2023 14:25

Ashorthistoryfan · 22/02/2023 14:00

Not putting myself on a pedestal at all @Birdsbirdsbirds😂Though I'm quite happy to be thought of as a controlling mother if that's the title you give to mothers who dare to care about their children's wellbeing...

As for no stepmother ever knowing what they're getting themselves into - well, not completely I suppose, but some people are more inclined to thought and planning and preparation than others. And it's not like the kids are a surprise addition to the family (as they sometimes can be to biological parents)!
I have a feeling your point-of-view is ever so slightly biased🤔

Biased? Educated.

I am both a mother and a step mother. You don't know what you're getting yourself into. You can do as much careful planning as you want, doesn't matter. Shit happens that you cannot plan for. I planned and planned and planned some more but some things are beyond my control. I couldnt plan for other people's behaviour, for example.

Pretending it's sheer negligence shows your ignorance.

Ashorthistoryfan · 22/02/2023 14:47

@Birdsbirdsbirds I didnt say stepmothers as a group are negligent. My comments are directed towards the OP alone.

As a mother, would you like your 10 year old daughter to be placed in a situation where her stepmother clearly resents the affection she shows her father? More than resents really - it makes her feel sick, it gives her the ick. She also said she doesn't like the kids being around. It's a fairly bleak situation imo.

Would you really be happy with this for your child? Do you really think the OP is beyond reproach by virtue of the fact that she's a stepmother and that's a difficult role?

Anyway.
To be clear, I am not anti-stepmother. My niece has a wonderful one who has enhanced her life. I'm not getting the same vibe from the OP.

Birdsbirdsbirds · 22/02/2023 15:01

Ashorthistoryfan · 22/02/2023 14:47

@Birdsbirdsbirds I didnt say stepmothers as a group are negligent. My comments are directed towards the OP alone.

As a mother, would you like your 10 year old daughter to be placed in a situation where her stepmother clearly resents the affection she shows her father? More than resents really - it makes her feel sick, it gives her the ick. She also said she doesn't like the kids being around. It's a fairly bleak situation imo.

Would you really be happy with this for your child? Do you really think the OP is beyond reproach by virtue of the fact that she's a stepmother and that's a difficult role?

Anyway.
To be clear, I am not anti-stepmother. My niece has a wonderful one who has enhanced her life. I'm not getting the same vibe from the OP.

I don't think it's clear at all. I think that's what you think in your uneducated opinion. And I wouldn't be at all surprised that someone would rather my children not be around. Considering I'm the one who chose to have them and not someone else.

I think you're getting the vibe you want to get from op without having any ounce of understanding of the actual situation.

Ashorthistoryfan · 22/02/2023 15:12

So are you saying you would be okay with your own children being in a similar situation @Birdsbirdsbirds?
With a stepmother who doesn't want them there and who feels sick if they are affectionate towards their father.
You think that's normal and an okay environment for your child?

Birdsbirdsbirds · 22/02/2023 15:48

Ashorthistoryfan · 22/02/2023 15:12

So are you saying you would be okay with your own children being in a similar situation @Birdsbirdsbirds?
With a stepmother who doesn't want them there and who feels sick if they are affectionate towards their father.
You think that's normal and an okay environment for your child?

I'd be okay with it as in I wouldn't have any control over it, and I don't think ops behaviour is particularly that unusual. I wouldn't be happy with my ex husband favourising one of them, though. I don't live in a fantasy world where because I love my child everyone else should. In reality, I think it's relatively rare that a sm would prefer the kids to be there than not.

Cuppsoupmonster · 22/02/2023 16:16

Oh I wouldn’t expect that the SM would prefer them be there than not, unless she was an exceptionally maternal and sweet type (I’m not!). But I would expect that when my children were there, they could have a normal relationship with their dad without restrictions or odd rules because they have a stepmum. My only exception to this would be them sleeping in the dad’s bed as I can see how that’s a step too far, but hopping in for a cuddle if stepmum is up and about shouldn’t be an issue.

Birdsbirdsbirds · 22/02/2023 16:28

Cuppsoupmonster · 22/02/2023 16:16

Oh I wouldn’t expect that the SM would prefer them be there than not, unless she was an exceptionally maternal and sweet type (I’m not!). But I would expect that when my children were there, they could have a normal relationship with their dad without restrictions or odd rules because they have a stepmum. My only exception to this would be them sleeping in the dad’s bed as I can see how that’s a step too far, but hopping in for a cuddle if stepmum is up and about shouldn’t be an issue.

What odd rules has op imposed? Literally none.

hourbyhour101 · 22/02/2023 16:37

@Ashorthistoryfan I say that from my perspective and seeing a lot of posts about dads refusing to parent, having no boundaries due to guilt and making their children have more control over things like bedtimes, food, ext that effect the whole house. My Dd would stay up until 2am if she could, alas I parent her so she goes to get at a certain time. It's fairly common place apparently and not just in blended families.

You can't generalise about families esp blended ones because everyone is different. As a mum I wouldn't think my 10 year old sitting on her dads lap and him stroking his hair cute. Tbh I would think it's just a bit odd but it's my family and that's my opinion.

As I said I doubt this is about seating arrangements.

Anyway we can agree to disagree.

blackbeardsballsack · 22/02/2023 16:45

I find it repugnant that your DH clearly favours one of his children over the other, I really can't stand that in a parent. It's going to end up with both of the girls struggling later on in life too. I would definitely be pointing it out to him every time I saw it. My ex was the same with his children and it led to the favourite growing up to become more and more commandeering and manipulative, and the other becoming more and more world weary and accepting of always being bottom of the hierarchy. I didn't engage in 'battles' over who got to sit where on the sofa or the cinema and wherever, but I refused to move to sit in the back of the car!

Original poster
hestonis · 22/02/2023 16:53

Cuppsoupmonster · 22/02/2023 16:16

Oh I wouldn’t expect that the SM would prefer them be there than not, unless she was an exceptionally maternal and sweet type (I’m not!). But I would expect that when my children were there, they could have a normal relationship with their dad without restrictions or odd rules because they have a stepmum. My only exception to this would be them sleeping in the dad’s bed as I can see how that’s a step too far, but hopping in for a cuddle if stepmum is up and about shouldn’t be an issue.

Literally I set no rules, odd or otherwise they don't even have a bed time or do chores

OP posts:
FfoxRedN · 22/02/2023 19:39

@hestonis
I fear this thread has snowballed you into being a wicked stepmother who does nothing pleasant for your SDs. Fear not, many of us here understand where you are coming from. PP mentioned the behaviour manifesting into manipulation and commandeering behaviour, this is spot on and why you should be bringing somethings to your DH attention. Tactfully 🤣.
I would do this if they were my own children to bring them up to be nice and decent human beings...so nothing to do with being a SM!!!

FfoxRedN · 22/02/2023 19:41

@Cuppsoupmonster just out of interest, are you a stepmum? Or do you have children who have a stepmum?

Cuppsoupmonster · 22/02/2023 19:42

Not a stepmum but sadly I’ve had one since I was 13!

FfoxRedN · 22/02/2023 21:41

Cuppsoupmonster · 22/02/2023 19:42

Not a stepmum but sadly I’ve had one since I was 13!

Sadly?
My step daughters love having me around and all involved think they are better off with me in their lives, despite the struggles along the way in figuring it out from all sides.
What's sad is that you think having a stepmum wasn't a positive influence on your life. I mean that genuinely aswell.

Ashorthistoryfan · 22/02/2023 22:38

I think the description of step-parenting by some pp on this thread is quite sad too @FfoxRedN. A few people have agreed with OP that they're happiest when the stepchildren aren't about. So kids are at home, living their lives from day to day, and at least one of the adults present in their home and lives would simply be happier if they weren't around. That must hurt.

Your description of step-parenting sounds much more positive and I've experience of this in my extended family too. That doesn't make it easy or straightforward I know.

@Birdsbirdsbirds You've quite a pragmatic outlook if you can simply decide to be okay about things you don't have control of. I think I'd be very worried about my kids in the sort of situation I described above.

Original poster
hestonis · 22/02/2023 23:36

@Ashorthistoryfan yeah I suppose when you put it like that it is really sad, I never expected or wanted that to be the case but I suppose it has become that way, all I'll say is I try very hard to hide those feelings. It must be so hard for children and I should definitely be more mindful of this. Thanks everyone for your replies, hopefully this weekend will be better and I'll make sure I intervene if I feel the little one is being left out

OP posts:
Ashorthistoryfan · 23/02/2023 01:10

Yes, do if you can. Best of luck, OP, hope things improve for you all.

Goodread1 · 23/02/2023 01:19

This reply has been deleted

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Goodread1 · 23/02/2023 01:23

Oops typo mistake

I ment to say try and be more understanding Op ect

You can't have your cake and eat it

What did you expect L.o.l

You have got teenage years coming up soon to look forward too,

I think you may look probably will see this time with 10 as being like a stroll or picnic in a park

As teenager years are going to be interesting that's for sure

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 23/02/2023 01:35

@hestonis I wonder if you could suggest (if you want to) that you and DSD1 spend some time together doing something, baking/nails/hair, whatever she likes.

While DSD2 does something else with Daddy.
Not all weekend obviously, but for some of it.

That way you and DSD1 get to bond and so does your DP and DSD2.

I know that my DC used to love getting 1:1 time with me/my mum/their uncle/whoever.

Birdsbirdsbirds · 23/02/2023 07:35

Ashorthistoryfan · 22/02/2023 22:38

I think the description of step-parenting by some pp on this thread is quite sad too @FfoxRedN. A few people have agreed with OP that they're happiest when the stepchildren aren't about. So kids are at home, living their lives from day to day, and at least one of the adults present in their home and lives would simply be happier if they weren't around. That must hurt.

Your description of step-parenting sounds much more positive and I've experience of this in my extended family too. That doesn't make it easy or straightforward I know.

@Birdsbirdsbirds You've quite a pragmatic outlook if you can simply decide to be okay about things you don't have control of. I think I'd be very worried about my kids in the sort of situation I described above.

If I tried to control things I couldn't, I'd have gone mad by now. It's different, but I've had to sit back and watch my step child be totally fucked up by his mother's behaviour over the years, and be okay with it, and continue to speak positively about her because there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. (nothing social services care about unfortunately and he's well old enough to make his own, sometimes bad, decisions now)

Sometimes you have to realise when you have to sit back and let go, because I could have, and did for some time, stress out about her and how she acted and how she affected my household, my step child, my own child, even. But there was nothing I could do, so that stress did absolutely nothing but make me feel worse.