Moan about my DSD

[hestonis]

DSD is 10 and we have her every weekend, sometimes just the Sunday and sometimes Saturday to Sunday overnight, also two weekdays but not overnight
This week we've had her two nights and oh my god I've found it emotionally draining, I know I shouldn't complain but I've got no one to talk to about it.
I find she treats me like the competition in her fathers affection, everything she does is to impress him, and I know there is nothing wrong with that but when she sits on his lap and ruffles his hair it makes me feel a little ill.
It actually completely puts me off my DH, maybe she knows this. She has a very contrary attitude and almost everything I say she picks apart. Ie I said I was going to the hairdresser the next day and it was all 'are your roots your real colour?' 'Why not try not dying it' 'why do you go all the way there for your hair to get done' etc etc.
anyway I know I'll get torn apart for this but I just find her exhausting.
It doesn't help that my husband works away and only seems to come home for his contact time with her.
I just hope she grows out of it

I feel for you op. I recognise the dynamic you described as I've lived it too. It's very hard for others to understand if they haven't experienced it.

Unfortunately it's our DHs who are to blame.

I came onto their lives when the kids were older though. It was a nightmare. They behaved like a couple half the time. She would casually mention in my company that we were moving house to a particular area or take furniture out of my room that she wanted.

I can hardly bear to think of it. Ironically she no longer speaks to him despite his best efforts. When I became pregnant she tried to override my choice of name for the baby and calmly informed me she would be choosing the name. I told her she would not but I appreciated her suggestions. He backed me up. She refused to set foot in our house again.

@Sickofcoughing I think I've been a bit luckier because my DH had a relationship before me so they've always had a 'step mum' figure in their lives sort of thing so it's not really ever been just the two of them, I can imagine that if it had been just them with no partner then DSD and DHs relationship would be even closer... would there even be room for anyone else.
We had the DSDs again last night and today and same story she was sat on his lap stroking his stubble etc, I was sat next to him and I have to say I found it uncomfortable being sat beside them, I kind of just shuffled away.
Again younger daughter didn't get a look in, it's becoming more obvious

Is younger DD bothered by this?

Now I'm sure the chances are high that she is, but I've noticed that one of my DC is a lot more self contained, doesn’t really like being hugged etc while his siblings are complete snuggle monsters! They're all loved and happy, but one is just a lot less tactile than the others. He would absolutely hate sitting on his dad's lap stroking his beard, the others would love it.
Could there be a bit of that going on, by any chance?

Oh my lord. So sorry you had to deal with that, that is just mental.

OP.
This sounds awful for everyone except your dh.

I do think you're out of line & feel sad & sorry for your oldest dsd. 10 is really still very young & it's normal to be physically affectionate with her dad.
She will sense your annoyance/ick/feelings

The way she chats to you is normal & engaging - sounds exactly like every other kid I've ever met.
But I do understand that kids and their 20 questions can be draining if they are not your kids.
It's a bit shit for them but it's the way it is. Try and change your outlook on this.

Your step daughter's miss their dad. I feel for them.
You are between a rock & a hard place & not handling it very well.

He however is failing.
It is NOT ok to play favourites
It is NOT ok to not make a plan with you re your role/involvement with the kids

Moving on. I would be writing down suggestions & feelings.
(don't mention the ick part - I would leave a partner if they criticised my affection with my kids)
Ie bedtime
The favouritism showing
Quality time as a couple
Your role in their lives.
A tiny bit of time with you & girls for bonding (afternoon tea, make up playing etc)

A definite bedtime for them & adult time after.

For your part: give your head a wobble re the affection. Enjoy the chatting (it means they want to know you)
Remember they are still very young kids who have been dealt a raw deal. At a very young age.

@Sickofcoughing that's horrific. If I were you I would have left him. I'm so sorry you had to live like that .She's a nightmare & he was a dick allowing that. Yuk.

Woman has a "moan" about DD - Mumsnet jokes, laughs and empathises.

Woman has "moan" about SD - Mumsnet judges, chastises and patronises.

OP - being a Stepmum is hard. Your feelings are valid. If someone hasn't experienced Stepmotherhood they often don't understand.

Sending love x

I think you have to say to him about the younger child. She probably picks up on it but is too young to know what to say to fix it. At least it gives him the opportunity to address it. Maybe you could volunteer to do something with the kids on your own when they are over so it gives both kids 1–1 time with dad. This might help him bond with the younger child and might help you bond with the older child

I completely sympathise with you.she sounds obnoxious

How's it going OP?

I would look for a new partner- relationship with DSD could be a lot worse in her teens , then 20s/30s and damage to DD2 not fixable by you.
doesnt bode well