Moan about my DSD

[hestonis]

DSD is 10 and we have her every weekend, sometimes just the Sunday and sometimes Saturday to Sunday overnight, also two weekdays but not overnight
This week we've had her two nights and oh my god I've found it emotionally draining, I know I shouldn't complain but I've got no one to talk to about it.
I find she treats me like the competition in her fathers affection, everything she does is to impress him, and I know there is nothing wrong with that but when she sits on his lap and ruffles his hair it makes me feel a little ill.
It actually completely puts me off my DH, maybe she knows this. She has a very contrary attitude and almost everything I say she picks apart. Ie I said I was going to the hairdresser the next day and it was all 'are your roots your real colour?' 'Why not try not dying it' 'why do you go all the way there for your hair to get done' etc etc.
anyway I know I'll get torn apart for this but I just find her exhausting.
It doesn't help that my husband works away and only seems to come home for his contact time with her.
I just hope she grows out of it

Did you grow up with a step parent, op?

If your husband is a narc who outwardly favours one child over the other and is only at home with you when his kids are there too, you have bigger issues than how the sd is behaving.

Sometimes behavior just rubs us the wrong way and it’s hard to describe, but she’s clearly just a little girl who misses her dad. I understand that you’re just venting and not trying to project that on the child, however.

It’s worrying that he said he loves her more than her sister though…poor little thing. :( If I ever felt I loved one of my children more, I’d see someone to sort it out. Maybe he should.

My youngest step son is a bit like this... but thats because he is insecure for his fathers attention.

It will take time to adapt and change. It's not helpful that your DH is encouraging this behaviour.

You just have to be patient and encourage your partner to change his behaviour. Maybe see if you can spend time with child too.

Sounds weird if my see my DD hugging her DF , I feel happy , it's lovely to watch . I think for some SMs it feels like a competition perhaps it's an evolutionary thing competition over resources? I would talk to your DH about the favouritism over the eldest but it's entirely normal for a child to be affectionate with their DF. The problem is you so work on it.

My dd is almost 10 she idolises her dad always hugging him, ruffing his hair. They are very close. What would be most alarming is his treatment of his other child. Alarming he left when she was only 1 and admits to not loving her as much. Whatever you don't have dc with him. He sounds like a right piece of work poor bloody kid.

I could have written this about my DH and his two SDs a few years ago. Except it was the younger one who was acting similar to how you're describing. In separated families the guilt from the parents is often manifested in certain ways, it sounds like your DH babies the older one and because it gets the right attention it amplifies it. That then leads to some personality 'traits' that can be unlikeable (like the critiquing, battling for attention unnecessarily etc)
I confided in DH, numerous times, delicately at first, that he was favouriting her, and it broke my heart to see the other left out. The younger one even said once 'I'm your favourite'. He finally realised when the school commented on some similar odd behaviour from the DSD there and other family members noticed it and said. If he's not listening to you, you might just have to grin and bear it for a while until she grows out of it and he treats them more fairly. When she's a teenager she won't be ruffling his hair 😬. Sorry you're going through this xx

The way I worded this, was that they are his blood and he expects me to treat them as my own but I have to battle to be heard about parenting. My DH took it on board when I described it as him never having parented children of that age together. They won't always know best (especially as a Dad to Daughters) so you're better parenting as a team and him taking your thoughts on board. It's the only way it works. It sounds like he wants each day to be a treat and special occasion, where as normal life has to continue and children thrive on having boundaries. Good luck with this OP, sounds like you're in for a bit of a rough ride. xx

He's being really unfair on the younger daughter.
It doesn't help that my husband works away and only seems to come home for his contact time with her and has this always been the way? If it doesn't work for you then I'd leave- you must hardly see him!

Are you in a long term relationship?
Don't think I'd want this going forward - more likely to get worse than better if he is just pandering to one child. Easy for him to behave this way if you pick up the pieces.

My partner is much more affectionate to the eldest compare to his youngest (eldest is a daughter youngest is son). I never came from an affectionate family I was loved but we wasn’t a kissy cuddly family but after being around my partner and his daughter I realised for them that was their normal and the more your around it you understand it’s not weird it’s just their relationship. my SD use to CLING to my partner when we first got together (she was almost 13 at the time) now they still cuddle etc but I think where she’s got use to me she doesn’t cling on to dad so much. She still has cuddles etc but she makes a point of asking me if I want to sit next to partner which I think is so sweet. I genuinely think it boiled down to please don’t steal my dad (his ex not kids mum ex in between us seemed like a cow so she was probably concerned I was going to be like her). My partner bought the eldest more Christmas presents and I gave him a bollocking over it cos it wasn’t fair on the youngest but I don’t think it was a favouritism thing I think it’s just cos SD gave a list SS gave two items he wanted 😂 best advice from my experience is let them have their own time but also make an effort bake cakes etc with her show her you’re interested in her. I REALLY struggled at first like questioned if I could do it but now I absolutely adore them both

Your feelings are still valid, OP - even if they’re a bit weird. Being a step mum is weird, even in the best case. I would seriously recommend reading Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin. The book contains lots of affirmations of our experiences and every paragraph doesn’t start with “I’m sorry OP but wtf is wrong with you?” 😂

When your husband left the family home, he obviously hadn’t bonded with the younger daughter to the same extent he had with the elder one, and he’s carrying on in that vein because it feels comfortable and like no time has passed.
Divorce / separation, (no matter the reason and no matter the level of animosity) is very traumatic. Time and time again I see parents on this board continuing harmful behaviours in an attempt to keep everything “the same” at any cost. In this case, it helps dad to cope. His 10yo is still the little apple of his eye and his 7yo is still a baby that he doesn’t need to spend much time getting to know.

Moan away Op. Personally I cannot see the point in being married when your DH works away and you only see him during his contact time with his kids which is heavily focused on them. I find my DSS draining too, and if I only ever saw DP when he was there without a shadow of a doubt I would have left him years ago. Those times are worth it for the other times.

And that's even assuming the guy involved is a perfect Adonis! He sounds a bit unpleasant, openly favouring one of his kids.

This shows perfectly what’s happening.
it’s a little girl crying out for her dads attention.
bless her heart she needs lots of reassurance and love. Not an adult fighting for her attention. She sees her dad what a quarter of the time you do ? Either let them get on with it or leave the relationship.

The age old story, the man is pretty crap and building up massive problems between siblings for the future. But of course an adult man can't be blamed, it's not like the adults involved have any power over the situation.

All the blame, annoyance, responsibility must be placed on the 10 year old girl. Gotta get her used to the role of a female in the world haven't we.

I would mention to dh that he spent more time playing with older dc than younger. Do it in a casual way, ie. ..by the way, did you realise you hardly played with dc2 whilst swimming on Saturday. I’m sure it wasn’t deliberate, but I noticed you spent all the time with dc1.

I agree with the poster above who said he still treats the younger one as a baby sister and has effectively forgotten she has grown now.

Regarding the hair comments etc, to be honest, she sounds rude. I think you need to clamp down on this now, or it’s only going to get worst when she’s a teenager. She may only be ten, but she’s older enough to know what’s right and wrong.

It’s good that dc and her dad have a good relationship, maybe maybe time for him to step and be a parent, rather than a Disney dad.

@aSofaNearYou yes the fact he is away and fills the time he's home with contact time is becoming a problem. He only works away during the winter but I do wonder how sustainable the situation is. I think part of the problem is that he truly believes he's a brilliant parent, the girls are well behaved and sweet natured but often I feel that's because they save all their good behaviour for him, he only sees the 25% / 30% of the time and they often talk of their mum finding them difficult because of the in-fighting. I've never seen them fight once. Because he's a Disney dad I suppose they don't have much reason to blue badly behave or rebel, no bed time, they eat what they want and when they want (yesterday they had a whole multipack of crisp's between them). He believes it's because he's a disciplinarian lol!!!
Thanks everyone for their replies, it's easy to say I'm being ridiculous and it's hard for me to explain the behaviour that makes me find it difficult, there is just an undercurrent of me feeling that the balance switches from me being wife and woman of the household to her trying to take over. Like her asking about his business in a really grown up way and giving him advice, that's probably going to seem like it's a great thing she's taking such an interest but equally she's 10!

There's probably many reasons why the eldest dd seeks attention from her dad - struggling with parents who live separately, hormones, family dynamics and yes maybe feeling threatened by you. But she's a child you are a grown up so you need to put your issues aside and support her. Help her feel included and show her you care for her. With regards to her younger sister could you try to make it so it's all of you rather than them and us. It's reasonable to point out to dh that he seems to give more attention to the elder child and your concerned about the impact on the young child. And yes they should have a bedtime but I guess it's his call. If you can't change your outlook then you should consider if this will work for you long term

In my opinion the 2 concerning points are his blatant favoritism of his dd1 and you not being a reason for him to come home.

The hair ruffling and stuff isn't a problem and simply behaviour that he's encouraged. Dd1 will be enjoying the attention (as all kids do) and will subsconsciously do it more because she is rewarded with attention and preferential treatment over her sister.

The problem is your h and not dsd1. He is the adult who has control over his behaviour and is clearly happy with the current setup. I agree that it's likely that he enjoys the adoration and does all the hair ruffling etc to keep her behaving this way.

You’re jealous of a little girl.

There is no competition between you and your SD. She will always come first with her dad, which is exactly as it ought to be.

I wouldn't be able to love a man like this and would be making plans to leave. And when he said he loved his older daughter more you should have said it was obvious to absolutely everyone including the younger daughter. That poor girl. I hope she gets a step father who loves her.

Honestly your DH sounds like a terrible father. And husband. Your poor DSDs. He is putting DSD1 in the position where she is expected to play up to him and massage his ego. That’s how she receives positive attention from him. Her behaviour suggests that in spite of the favouritism, she feels very insecure in her relationship with her DF. Not uncommon when children’s parents split up, and especially when dad is a ‘Disney dad’ type - the lack of boundaries feel fun but also unsettling - but probably amplified by the treatment she sees of DSD2. She’s likely to think if he can be so dismissive of her sister, that she needs to keep performing this ‘role’ that she fits into, to stay in favour. He is literally showing her that his love is conditional. Imagine how that will play out in her romantic relationships when she’s older. Please try to see her as innocent in this dynamic - he has created the space for her and she is contorting herself to fit into it. So typical for girls, and incredibly damaging. As for DSD2, she will grow up feeling second best to her sister and have really poor self esteem, and most likely won’t bother with her DF at all. The damage he is doing with this dynamic is horrible. You can’t sit back and watch it happen. Could you suggest some family therapy? This is exactly the kind of issue that can be significantly improved with proper family therapy.

OP You have a husband problem. This is all down to him and while it's certainly not your place to sort it out - you can talk to him and say what you think.
It's not you who is jealous but his daughter is and needs reassurance. His other daughter must be feeling left out and miserable. It's up to him to put this right too.
Only coming home because of his children is not a nice thing to do. You must be feeling used. I would want to talk this out and if it continues, then what is the point of you being there at all?

I can't understand why you've come on here to moan about the 10 year old girl and not your adult husband who sounds like a shit dad and husband.

She sounds like a brat who's been allowed to rule the roost. Your DH isn't helping at all.

Don't put up with her poor behaviour. You are the adult.