Moan about my DSD

[hestonis]

DSD is 10 and we have her every weekend, sometimes just the Sunday and sometimes Saturday to Sunday overnight, also two weekdays but not overnight
This week we've had her two nights and oh my god I've found it emotionally draining, I know I shouldn't complain but I've got no one to talk to about it.
I find she treats me like the competition in her fathers affection, everything she does is to impress him, and I know there is nothing wrong with that but when she sits on his lap and ruffles his hair it makes me feel a little ill.
It actually completely puts me off my DH, maybe she knows this. She has a very contrary attitude and almost everything I say she picks apart. Ie I said I was going to the hairdresser the next day and it was all 'are your roots your real colour?' 'Why not try not dying it' 'why do you go all the way there for your hair to get done' etc etc.
anyway I know I'll get torn apart for this but I just find her exhausting.
It doesn't help that my husband works away and only seems to come home for his contact time with her.
I just hope she grows out of it

I think we must be reading different threads OP 🤔
Look, please stop resenting your DH's children. It's not fair on them. I do see it's hard to share, but you two are the adults here and you shouldn't have entered this relationship if you couldn't make it work. You and he had a choice, his children did not.
Yes, the children will pick up on your resentment, of course they will! Is there any way you and your DH could adjust your schedules so you can spend more time alone together? Try and do activities with the kids on your own too and get to know and appreciate them if you can at all. Maybe take turns so your DH gets a chance to spend some time with each of his kids on their own.

Again, are we reading different threads OP? Where did people say it's okay for mums to sit next to DHs, but not stepmums? You are imagining things that haven't even been said.

What people did say is that mothers usually watch fondly when their DC are affectionate with their fathers.
That is true.
Your reaction is not one that is typical of a mother. It's sad to see tbh.
I'm beginning to see why MN is hard on stepmothers.

You’ve said “what about when the step mum goes on to have children” please tell me you aren’t considering having children with a man who’s parenting style you don’t like, who has favourites and watching him playing with his child makes you feel ill. So many times on MN a step mum has a child with a man who she already has issues with expecting it to help and it always just intensified all of the feelings that were there in the first place leaving her resentful and then everyone suffers.

"That’s because it’s your mum and dad. You’re not this girls mum. Sit next to him on the 5 days a week you don’t have her. I always find couples that need to cling to each other and hold hands constantly to be really needy and joyless."

This is a direct quote

This poster says that I'm not the girls mum so I have no right to sit with the girls dad on contact times, and I should sit with him when the kids are not there.
I don't know what I've missed interpreted there.

Then another poster saying, "rearrange your schedule so you have more time together" which would only mean not having the step children as much which would mean reduce contact which would be against the sacred commandments of the step parent Mumsnet board

Does it sit well with you that your husband is a ‘Disney dad’ as you called him, and he is actively traumatising his kids by enacting the toxic Golden Child dynamic? It’s repulsive.

What work, specifically, has he done on himself to educate himself on, and do better on childhood trauma and it’s lifelong impact? If the answer is ‘fuck all’, I’d be questioning my choice in male and basic standards if I were you.

Eh?

So you don’t know about the golden child dynamic and childhood trauma? I don’t know how to make my post any clearer.

My question was clear. What work has your husband done on himself to educate himself on the toxic dynamic he is choosing to inflict on his children?
I assume it’s zero? Is that an appealing character trait for you?

(I’m not interested in any reply, it’s just a bare minimum thing to consider. Good luck, your bloke sounds terrible.)

Okay, I'm sorry OP, I have to say I missed that rather strange suggestion from a pp about sitting /not sitting next to DH. I think perhaps the pp meant for you to give the girls a chance to be with their father - don't think pp realised your time with him is limited too. But the comment about not being their mother is off-putting I agree.

I made the suggestion about rearranging your schedules to have more time as a couple. By that I meant your work schedules (if possible) not by reducing contact with the children. I gather your DH works away - is there any chance he could find work closer to home? I've no idea whether this is possible or not of course, but it might help if it were.

This scapegoat/golden child thing looks way too extreme, I'm happy to admit my DH is a Disney dad and he's not perfect but he's not an abuser

@hestonis your DH is being emotionally damaging having such a clear favourite child.

I would actually be suggesting that sometimes he has contact with just one of them at a time so he builds a closer relationship with the younger one or he takes them out one at a time and you have the other at home.

I never said anything of the sort. No one has a hierarchy I'm saying almost all mothers have no issue with their DH having physical affection with their DC. They find it sweet I wouldn't move my DC to cuddle DH as I can do it later when we go to bed. There's no competition there.

@hestonis your getting a bit of bashing here. Mn seems to encourage spousification of first children which is odd iMO.

All children should have the same equity with their parents and time spent because it's not ok for one child to be ignored or another rule the roost.

I suspect this is a bit more than placement of seating. More a feeling lack of emotional support from DH. As ever it's a DH problem because on the whole, the child's behaviour is that of a child and can and should be corrected by the parents who are adults and have better emotional intelligence than children.

Have a read of stepmonster book it's Brillant and kinda shows live examples of why this happens and how other have tackled it 💐 this seems hard op I feel for you

Mn seems to encourage spousification of first children which is odd iMO.

What???
No it doesn't!
Why on earth do you think that @hourbyhour101 ?

.... It's not going to be the same as a mother's, because she's not their mother. Is that really that unusual?

I think I expressed what I meant quite badly @Birdsbirdsbirds. I know she's not their mother and they have a mother anyway. But as she's their stepmother that does imply at least some sort of a caring parental-like role when the children are so young and are spending time in her home.

The OP said she feels sick or has to look away when she sees her DH's 10-year old daughter ruffle his hair!
I know she's not the children's mother, but what I was trying to say (ineptly) was that this sort of extreme reaction is so very far removed from that of a mother that it is worrying. It is so at odds with how children should be nurtured in their home. It's a bit disturbing tbh. If I were the children's mother I would be very uneasy about letting them spend time with OP because she resents them in her life. That can't be good for them.

It’s the age old ‘you just think of them as if you’re their mother’ but don’t you dare overstep because ‘you are not their mother’.

I wouldn’t confidently generalise about how mothers do or should view their children’s interactions with their father. I suspect there is a lot of variation and some mothers may feel it inappropriate if their 10 year old daughter is regularly sitting in her father’s lap stroking his hair or whatever.

Different families have different ideas of acceptable. And not all mothers view things the same way.

Ah, right. A load of bollocks then?
Thankfully you'd have no say in whether op was present or not.

I said I was going to the hairdresser the next day and it was all 'are your roots your real colour?' 'Why not try not dying it' 'why do you go all the way there for your hair to get done' etc etc.

My own daughter would say this kind of thing to me. I'm not sure why you see it as excessively negative or critical. She's a ten year old girl. It's normal.

More's the pity @Birdsbirdsbirds, more's the pity. And not bollocks at all.

She had a choice whether to become a stepmother or not. It's not the kids' fault that she didn't quite realise what she was getting herself into. I really do feel sorry for them.

Oh god no it's not spouseification there's no hierarchy, a 10 year old is a child who might still need regular tactile touch. If parent and child enjoy it there's no harm. I have never known a mother have a problem with DC having tactile touch with their father. It's normal not weird. I think it's sweet, my friend who is a SM thinks it's sweet when her DSD who's 12 hugs her dad!

NOBODY knows what they're getting themselves into with step parenting. nobody. It's not anyone's "fault". It is reality. You might not like it and you might look down on people from up there on your pedestal but it makes no odds. Nobody knows what they're getting themselves into, and thankfully controlling mothers who simply don't like that, don't get to call the shots.

I feel really sorry for you having massively embarrassed yourself with your ignorant comment.

@Feefee00 is more than just hugging though, it's sitting on his lap and gazing into his eyes, stroking etc. sorry if my reaction is so far removed from a mothers reaction but it just gives me the ick! I'll maybe try bonding with her more as previous posters mentioned and see what happens. I suppose if I knew it was just a phase then I'd feel better, what age does this become inappropriate? Does it ever become inappropriate to sit in a fathers lap and stroke his hair? If it does then at what age? Id like to be guided on this, he used to go in the bathroom with them up until very recently which I thought was odd but that has stopped now