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Original poster

Struggling to do this anymore...

76 replies

pippanda · 05/02/2023 19:32

This is coming in hot after an argument with my OH so might be a little dramatic but I don't know if I can do this anymore.

I've been with my OH for 6years now. We have a 9month old baby girl and he has a 10yrs old daughter from a previous relationship. Myself and SD aren't particularly close, we get on fine but that's about as far as it goes. She loves her little sister and loves to help with her which is great. The problem me an OH are having is we keep butting heads around SD. He is militarily and is away Mon-Friday so I'm single parenting in the week which can feel like a lot sometimes. I moved to where I am to be with my OH and have no family here meaning I'm completely on my own and him and my daughter are my only family. However we get in our own little routine in the week and he comes home at the weekend. On the weekends we have SD I can't help but feeling overwhelmed. It goes from just being me and DD to OH and SD and I can't help but feel like everything just gets taken over! I'm constantly anxious and on edge and I can't seem to help feeling this way! Anyway the argument... OH is finishing up early one week and his first thought is he wants to have SD for more time, which is fine but he hasn't even considered just having some time with me and DD. He says he wants to take the opportunity to have 1:1 time with SD but once again hasn't even considered having any 1:1 time with DD so will happily stick her in nursery all day and not think about utilising some of the time with her?! He keeps saying that DD gets him for more time than SD but that's not DD fault! Why shouldn't she have her dad all full time when that's the life I brought her into and the life I wanted for my child! I didn't have a baby with him so he could be a part time father to her to compensate for his situation with his other daughter. I just never feel that we are his priority, we are always an afterthought. DD literally only has me and her dad nearby and right now I feel all she has full time is me. It's actually starting to break my heart and worry if I'm enough for her. My parents absolutely adore her and Im breaking their heart being so far away - the mum guilt is seriously starting to get to me keeping her away from family that love and miss her so much for a dad that never puts her first. I just don't know what to do anymore? I love my OH with all my heart but don't know if this will ever get better or if I'll ever feel differently towards SD. He had now left for another week with this unresolved argument and I'm definitely spiralling right now! Is there a way past this or will this forever be our argument? I don't want to feel like this all the time and right now with all my emotions right now I want to pack up our stuff and travel 500miles back home and see how he feels if we aren't here anymore! (I'm not going to do this but it's how I feel right now). I'm sure I'm going to get some hate for the post but would be nice to hear if anyone has had a similar situation and felt similar? And what did you do to make it better?... feeling very alone, trapped and helpless right now 😔

OP posts:
LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 05/02/2023 19:37

How much parenting does he do at the weekend? Does he do everything with and for both? Meals etc?

does he have his oldest every weekend?

are you going back to work? Are you back at work?

Cuppasoupmonster · 05/02/2023 19:40

Hmmmm. I understand where you’re coming from, but also where he is. What would be your ‘ideal’ scenario; what do you think would be fair and work for you all?

hryllilegur · 05/02/2023 19:48

If work were possible… I think I would pack my stuff up and travel the 500 miles back home. He’s away Monday to Friday every week. So you’re miles from friends and family simply to facilitate his contact schedule but without gaining any actual family life for it.

He’s already a PT dad to your child and he views your child and you as a lower priority than his elder DD.

So take control of your life. Move where it suits you and he can alternate weekends for contact with his children. It’ll be much less convenient for him. But you’ll have support and can plan a life that works for you. You don’t have to split up, but you will only see him every second weekend because his work and his contact arrangements necessitate it.

hourbyhour101 · 05/02/2023 19:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Original poster
pippanda · 05/02/2023 19:50

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 05/02/2023 19:37

How much parenting does he do at the weekend? Does he do everything with and for both? Meals etc?

does he have his oldest every weekend?

are you going back to work? Are you back at work?

So I still do most things so I'm still the primary parent, I'm still breastfeeding so do all night feeds etc too. She is weaning so he does feed her sometimes but I tend to have to ask him to do things rather than him just taking initiative. He has sometimes struggled I feel to slot back into parent mode without getting frustrated so I tend to take over as he just gets annoyed.

He has his daughter every other weekend usually but we have had her extra.

I'm back to work full time and DD is in nursery full time which I'm finding really difficult as I miss her so much.

OP posts:
Eastereggsboxedupready · 05/02/2023 19:52

In short op when you planned a baby you and him both knew he already had a commitment to a dc. Agreed he isn't managing 2 dc well at all but df guilt is A Real Thing. Suggest he takes your dc out with him and dsd. They also need chance to forge a relationship..

Cuppasoupmonster · 05/02/2023 19:53

Ah, I thought he had her every weekend. Sorry but if she only sees her dad every other weekend I think it would be really unreasonable of you to cut this down. Look at it like this, your daughter sees him every weekend, half of those just her. His other daughter only sees him every other weekend and that’s always with her sister and you there. So your child will always have the better end of the deal. You’re just going to have to tolerate it really.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 05/02/2023 19:54

pippanda · 05/02/2023 19:50

So I still do most things so I'm still the primary parent, I'm still breastfeeding so do all night feeds etc too. She is weaning so he does feed her sometimes but I tend to have to ask him to do things rather than him just taking initiative. He has sometimes struggled I feel to slot back into parent mode without getting frustrated so I tend to take over as he just gets annoyed.

He has his daughter every other weekend usually but we have had her extra.

I'm back to work full time and DD is in nursery full time which I'm finding really difficult as I miss her so much.

Show quote history

What was he like when he took over on parental leave?

tbh, having read your previous threads, id be going away on your own the next weekend he is home. You need a break.

hryllilegur · 05/02/2023 19:55

The problem is that he is utterly failing to support you.

You’re working FT and looking after your baby all week around that. Yes he’s working. But he works away. He’s no help at all - you’re struggling along with no support a long way from your friends and family. To make his life easier.

When he comes back, he’s not acting like a real parent because he is a very PT parent. He’s also driven by NR father guilt that means he actually can’t see how much he’s neglecting you and your DD.

You should not feel guilty about feeling anything you do. Or about wanting to reorganise your life so that you and your DD have practical, day to day support.

At the moment, it’s all revolving around what works best for him. And your needs are not being met.

Original poster
pippanda · 05/02/2023 19:56

Cuppasoupmonster · 05/02/2023 19:40

Hmmmm. I understand where you’re coming from, but also where he is. What would be your ‘ideal’ scenario; what do you think would be fair and work for you all?

Ideal scenario would be for us to just feel considered. If he had said oh I'm finishing early I'll have xx day with DD and then pick SD up on xx day and have some time with her it wouldn't be so bad!

And then I wish he would make more of an effort to do something with both the girls so it didn't feel so much like he is pushing DD away. I mean she's 9mths so doesn't know any better, but I know... and it hurts

OP posts:
LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 05/02/2023 19:57

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Or, and I know this is incredibly difficult for some people to see, maybe the dad has just not been very good and op is finding being in charge of everything every single day as difficult as anyone else would and is reacting in a very normal way. Maybe if dad pulled his finger out of his arse, op would feel better.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/02/2023 19:58

I find the post by @hourbyhour101 to be incredibly patronising. OP’s feelings are perfectly normal and understandable, she’s not mentally ill. And you have no business trying to diagnose her.

OP, what would you do about work if you moved back to your family? Would you be living with them or have your own place? Do you think he’d make any effort to see DD? When did you last go and have a week there just you and DD? If it’s been a while and you need to get some space/distance it might be something you could plan soon.

I really feel for you.

Cuppasoupmonster · 05/02/2023 19:59

pippanda · 05/02/2023 19:56

Ideal scenario would be for us to just feel considered. If he had said oh I'm finishing early I'll have xx day with DD and then pick SD up on xx day and have some time with her it wouldn't be so bad!

And then I wish he would make more of an effort to do something with both the girls so it didn't feel so much like he is pushing DD away. I mean she's 9mths so doesn't know any better, but I know... and it hurts

Show quote history

So he has every weekend off - do you mean 1 day just with SD and 1 just with you and DD? I can’t quite figure this out in my head. Or if he finishes on a Friday morning, spending that day with SD so she doesn’t have to come to yours?

Rosie22xx · 05/02/2023 19:59

I think it sounds like you do an awful lot to accommodate his lifestyle and I find there is always a lot to take on when there are kids from previous relationships.
For me personally I would think does this person add value to my life? What does he do for me that I cannot live without, be it money, security, happiness, love etc. The value you see in your partner, is it enough?
Is there any compromise or movement to your current situation? Does he listen to your struggles? Does he actively try make things easier for you? Or is this it, is this the life you have to life forever?
I also would want to move back closer to my family and friends seeing as your partner is away majority of the time. So where you are living doesn't seem to benefit you in any way, seeing as you're the one who's actually there all of the time and him only being there on weekends.

excelledyourself · 05/02/2023 20:00

and your showing all the signs of it.

She really isn't

Justcallmebebes · 05/02/2023 20:01

He has 2 children and he wants to spend equal time with them is how I see it. That's perfectly acceptable and how it should be

Cuppasoupmonster · 05/02/2023 20:02

No fgs OP doesn’t sound depressed 🙄 I’m getting tired of this pathologising of normal feelings and this weird obsession with sticking a mental health issue on everything.

excelledyourself · 05/02/2023 20:03

OP, can your DP look at changing jobs?

I can see his thinking, that he's with your DD every weekend. But all that aside, his working set up doesn't sound good for the family in general.

determinedtomakethiswork · 05/02/2023 20:04

OP, do not worry, you are not showing signs of being mentally ill! God knows what that poster is talking about.

chupachump · 05/02/2023 20:17

I have absolutely no idea where the idea that the OP is mentally unwell is coming from. Bizarre.

He's very clearly not giving enough time to the OP and their joint child but nor is he to his older child if he works away and sees her EOW.

He's not parenting either of his children.

I'm absolutely not apportioning blame to anyone but him for that but was he working away when you got together and got pregnant OP?
How did you see this working for your family if he was away M-F?

It's not something I'd be happy with so it would probably be a dealbreaker for me.

chupachump · 05/02/2023 20:18

As others have said, this isn't about your step daughter, none of this is her fault.

hryllilegur · 05/02/2023 20:19

Justcallmebebes · 05/02/2023 20:01

He has 2 children and he wants to spend equal time with them is how I see it. That's perfectly acceptable and how it should be

The bar is so low for men. it really is.

The OP should be ever so grateful that the man she’s apparently in a relationship with pays his youngest daughter any attention two days a fortnight. 🙄

Cuppasoupmonster · 05/02/2023 20:20

hryllilegur · 05/02/2023 20:19

The bar is so low for men. it really is.

The OP should be ever so grateful that the man she’s apparently in a relationship with pays his youngest daughter any attention two days a fortnight. 🙄

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What would you suggest is fair?

Cheesetoastiewithsauce · 05/02/2023 20:23

hryllilegur · 05/02/2023 20:19

The bar is so low for men. it really is.

The OP should be ever so grateful that the man she’s apparently in a relationship with pays his youngest daughter any attention two days a fortnight. 🙄

Show quote history

And he spends one day a fortnight with his eldest Dd. I guess his Dd should be grateful too.

Original poster
pippanda · 05/02/2023 20:23

@hourbyhour101 appreciate you taking the time to post but as other posters have said I'm definitely not PND or mentally ill... hormonal still yes but not PND. I do appreciate some of your points though, it's definitely a DH issue not a DSC issue I think she's just the catalyst. But you are right, I'm not upset about him spending time with SD I do feel he is neglecting DD and I. I feel he can't balance having the two girls

OP posts:
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