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Original poster

Struggling to do this anymore...

76 replies

pippanda · 05/02/2023 19:32

This is coming in hot after an argument with my OH so might be a little dramatic but I don't know if I can do this anymore.

I've been with my OH for 6years now. We have a 9month old baby girl and he has a 10yrs old daughter from a previous relationship. Myself and SD aren't particularly close, we get on fine but that's about as far as it goes. She loves her little sister and loves to help with her which is great. The problem me an OH are having is we keep butting heads around SD. He is militarily and is away Mon-Friday so I'm single parenting in the week which can feel like a lot sometimes. I moved to where I am to be with my OH and have no family here meaning I'm completely on my own and him and my daughter are my only family. However we get in our own little routine in the week and he comes home at the weekend. On the weekends we have SD I can't help but feeling overwhelmed. It goes from just being me and DD to OH and SD and I can't help but feel like everything just gets taken over! I'm constantly anxious and on edge and I can't seem to help feeling this way! Anyway the argument... OH is finishing up early one week and his first thought is he wants to have SD for more time, which is fine but he hasn't even considered just having some time with me and DD. He says he wants to take the opportunity to have 1:1 time with SD but once again hasn't even considered having any 1:1 time with DD so will happily stick her in nursery all day and not think about utilising some of the time with her?! He keeps saying that DD gets him for more time than SD but that's not DD fault! Why shouldn't she have her dad all full time when that's the life I brought her into and the life I wanted for my child! I didn't have a baby with him so he could be a part time father to her to compensate for his situation with his other daughter. I just never feel that we are his priority, we are always an afterthought. DD literally only has me and her dad nearby and right now I feel all she has full time is me. It's actually starting to break my heart and worry if I'm enough for her. My parents absolutely adore her and Im breaking their heart being so far away - the mum guilt is seriously starting to get to me keeping her away from family that love and miss her so much for a dad that never puts her first. I just don't know what to do anymore? I love my OH with all my heart but don't know if this will ever get better or if I'll ever feel differently towards SD. He had now left for another week with this unresolved argument and I'm definitely spiralling right now! Is there a way past this or will this forever be our argument? I don't want to feel like this all the time and right now with all my emotions right now I want to pack up our stuff and travel 500miles back home and see how he feels if we aren't here anymore! (I'm not going to do this but it's how I feel right now). I'm sure I'm going to get some hate for the post but would be nice to hear if anyone has had a similar situation and felt similar? And what did you do to make it better?... feeling very alone, trapped and helpless right now 😔

OP posts:
hourbyhour101 · 05/02/2023 20:25

@AnneLovesGilbert well that wasn't my intention but your completely right as are others.

Just my take on what op put but you and others are right and I asked for my post to be removed.

hourbyhour101 · 05/02/2023 20:26

@pippanda please my previous comment above. Certainly wasn't trying to offend anyone and I have asked for it to be deleted.

Original poster
pippanda · 05/02/2023 20:27

hryllilegur · 05/02/2023 19:48

If work were possible… I think I would pack my stuff up and travel the 500 miles back home. He’s away Monday to Friday every week. So you’re miles from friends and family simply to facilitate his contact schedule but without gaining any actual family life for it.

He’s already a PT dad to your child and he views your child and you as a lower priority than his elder DD.

So take control of your life. Move where it suits you and he can alternate weekends for contact with his children. It’ll be much less convenient for him. But you’ll have support and can plan a life that works for you. You don’t have to split up, but you will only see him every second weekend because his work and his contact arrangements necessitate it.

Moving home would be the last resort. As much as I feel I want to right now, I know I'm coming in hot with the emotions right now. I want to find another way to make things better but unsure what that is yet. But you are right I'm here to facilitate his life right now and although this once felt fine and doable things now feel different having a little girl to consider. I didn't realise how guilty I would feel being away from family

OP posts:
Original poster
pippanda · 05/02/2023 20:28

Eastereggsboxedupready · 05/02/2023 19:52

In short op when you planned a baby you and him both knew he already had a commitment to a dc. Agreed he isn't managing 2 dc well at all but df guilt is A Real Thing. Suggest he takes your dc out with him and dsd. They also need chance to forge a relationship..

Agreed but he keeps saying he can't take them both out because the age difference and he can't work out what to do with the both of them 🫣🫠 fml 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 05/02/2023 20:29

It may well be he's just one of those men who's shit with younger children. A luxury that isn't afforded to women, oddly.

Would it help if he, for example, took them both to the zoo/walk/museum? If so, tell him. Once he gets his groove he might enjoy it. I know you shouldn't have to spoon feed him but still.

I do think moving away from family for a man who's gone mostly of the time may be something you need to reconsider.

Original poster
pippanda · 05/02/2023 20:30

Cuppasoupmonster · 05/02/2023 19:53

Ah, I thought he had her every weekend. Sorry but if she only sees her dad every other weekend I think it would be really unreasonable of you to cut this down. Look at it like this, your daughter sees him every weekend, half of those just her. His other daughter only sees him every other weekend and that’s always with her sister and you there. So your child will always have the better end of the deal. You’re just going to have to tolerate it really.

Oh no I'm not suggesting he cuts that down at all. This is extra time he's having at home which I expect him to share amongst the girls not just consider SD but our DD too.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 05/02/2023 20:31

he keeps saying he can't take them both out because the age difference

Zoo
Swimming
Park
Beach
Hike
Museum
Picnic

Off the top of my head.

Original poster
pippanda · 05/02/2023 20:31

hryllilegur · 05/02/2023 19:55

The problem is that he is utterly failing to support you.

You’re working FT and looking after your baby all week around that. Yes he’s working. But he works away. He’s no help at all - you’re struggling along with no support a long way from your friends and family. To make his life easier.

When he comes back, he’s not acting like a real parent because he is a very PT parent. He’s also driven by NR father guilt that means he actually can’t see how much he’s neglecting you and your DD.

You should not feel guilty about feeling anything you do. Or about wanting to reorganise your life so that you and your DD have practical, day to day support.

At the moment, it’s all revolving around what works best for him. And your needs are not being met.

Thank you for this. That's exactly how I feel that I've really struggled to articulate! Thank you x

OP posts:
hryllilegur · 05/02/2023 20:31

He participates in family life far more.

He recognises that he made choices here and has a responsibility to both his children and the OP.

That he recognises that his guilt about his older dd is not a reason to neglect his wife and other child.

Frankly, his job doesn’t seem to be compatible with the rest of his lifestyle at this point. Does it?

But he’s prioritising his career. And then choosing to prioritise 1-1 time with one child for the meagre time he has off, while taking for granted that his wife will just sort out his youngest.

DedicatedFollowerOfFashion84 · 05/02/2023 20:32

Of you and you OH separated, what would you want for your own daughter? You would want him to be able to carve out 1-1 time with her when he was available and make the most of those opportunities as non resident parent. Your SD deserves no less than what you’d want for your biological daughter.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/02/2023 20:34

pippanda · 05/02/2023 20:28

Agreed but he keeps saying he can't take them both out because the age difference and he can't work out what to do with the both of them 🫣🫠 fml 🤦🏼‍♀️

Show quote history

Shouldn’t have had another child then should he. Idiot.

We have a similar age gap and it’s easiest when the baby is under one, you just strap them on or pop them in a buggy and get on with your day. That’s the most pathetic excuse ever. He’ll really love trying to juggle a 3 year old and a 13 year old…

He did choose to have another child and he doesn’t get to pick one over the other like he’s trying to do.

I’d go home. I never advocate moving a child so far from their other parent but he’s barely ever around and disengaged and full of excuses when he is.

You say you have SD EOW but sometimes more, is she with you on your own for the extra time while he’s away working?

Original poster
pippanda · 05/02/2023 20:36

@AnneLovesGilbert so I'm lucky enough that I do work remotely, so hopefully would be able to take my job with me. I would need to move in with my parents until we sold our house so I could then buy somewhere. Honestly... I was thinking this today and I really don't know? He always has with his daughter but I have a feeling the situation would be so difficult and we would be so far I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't see her. That might be my hormones talking right now but I don't know if he would... and then he's probably blame me for moving back home.

OP posts:
ChampagneBlossom44 · 05/02/2023 20:36

That’s really not fair on you @pippanda , he’s talking rubbish about not being able to take baby along. If he takes the eldest to the park, soft play, (I appreciate she might be getting a bit old at 10) arcade, farm, zoo, anywhere really, he can take baby along with him in pram. The objective isn’t to necessarily do things your DD would find interesting but to spend time with your little one & help the two girls bond. I’m not saying every time he goes out with dsd he should take DD it’s not always practical such as cinema, but maybe he just can’t cope with tiny children, do you know if he was also hands-off with dsd at that age? I noticed with my DH that he copes A LOT better with his children now that they’re past the very young years (though he did still definitely 100% make the effort with them when they were little, but you could tell he was really struggling).

Whatsthestitch · 05/02/2023 20:37

Why can't you go down to your parents for a week of so op?

You already said they miss your dd extremely so don't do it to take space but just for that reason. The come down that the space will offer will just be an added bonus.

That way as well you can trail out your feelings and see how it feels to have that family support/involvement that you are lacking whilst the support with dd means you have more time to work on how it is you actually feel.

Then you can go from there and work out is it just you feeling overwhelmed right now or is there actually some truth in what you are doubting and wondering

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/02/2023 20:38

do you know if he was also hands-off with dsd at that age?

I'd lay serious money on it.

Cornelious2011 · 05/02/2023 20:38

I still am not really sure what you want. You had a child with a military man. He has 2 children. He wants to spend his time off with both children. To me that sounds normal from his perspective.

There's lots of things he could with both- swimming, park, animal park, even a trampoline park. At 9 months just being with her dad and being in the action would be enough stimulation.

However if it were me I'd move near my family. I was in your position when dh worked abroad for 2 weeks at a time for 2 years. Covid made us re- evaluate and we moved near my family. Otherwise our marriage wouldn't have lasted.

Original poster
pippanda · 05/02/2023 20:38

@Cuppasoupmonster no sorry I've probably not explained very well. So he's coming home Tuesday evening so has extra time at home so off that extra time it would be nice if he spent some with DD some with SD then some all of us together. I'm upset as he only seems interested in spending extra time with SD and not the rest of us.

OP posts:
parcelpuzzle · 05/02/2023 20:42

Why shouldn't she have her dad all full time when that's the life I brought her into and the life I wanted for my child! I didn't have a baby with him so he could be a part time father to her to compensate for his situation with his other daughter.
I doubt her mother had her knowing she would be in that situation either.

I just never feel that we are his priority,
Why would you be his priority? how would you feel if your dad cut back the time he spent with you so he could spend more time with his new family without you.

OP I do sympathise but I also feel your dh is trying to treat his dds equally and you feel you and your dd deserve to be prioritised over his dd that isn't yours.
If you separate from dh and he sees your dd eow and then meets someone else and has a baby, would you be happy for him to see less of your dd so he can prioritise that one?

Original poster
pippanda · 05/02/2023 20:43

@Rosie22xx thank you for this lots to think about for sure. I think part of the problem is I don't feel listened too or considered. Every compromise is for his benefit and everything revolves around his life. I do have to take responsibility and say I knew what I was getting into at the beginning but I guess my priorities have changed.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 05/02/2023 21:25

Totally understand the way you feel.

I do think it it’s really important that he has 1:1 time with SD. But that doesn’t have to be all weekend EOW. Equally, if he has extra time off, great that he sees her, but he should spend time with you and DD, too.

This sounds as much about his attitude as his time, though.

I suspect, as PP has mentioned, that he finds babies uninteresting and his 10yo is pretty self sufficient and chatty, so he doesn’t have to ‘parent’ much.

Can you have a proper chat about all this, and explain just as you have to us, that you need more interest and help from him?

Marblessolveeverything · 05/02/2023 22:09

I am reading this as his older daughter only has every second weekend then surely he should ring fence that time for her. I don't understand why he should have to take the baby along as of course it will change the dynamic and limit their choice of activities.

Now I say this with the proviso the alternative weekend is your daughters time.?

He may also be realizing he has limited time with his older daughter heading for teen years and being a little shook at how quick she went from baby to 10.

Apologies if I picked up the details wrong.

ClearMoth · 05/02/2023 22:14

He keeps saying that DD gets him for more time than SD but that's not DD fault! Why shouldn't she have her dad all full time when that's the life I brought her into and the life I wanted for my child!

but you chose to have her knowing that your sd already existed. It sounds like you resent any 1:1 time at all between your sd and her father.

sorry that he's a crap dad and husband but the solution isn't to cut down their relationship even more.

InternetRandom · 05/02/2023 22:17

How does he think it would work if his daughters both lived in the same house full time? He'd have to get on with looking after both simultaneously.

If he can only spend time with his younger child every other weekend, you could at least benefit from having your own family around in between if you moved home. Point that out to him.

SandyY2K · 06/02/2023 00:16

Agreed but he keeps saying he can't take them both out because the age difference and he can't work out what to do with the both of them

I agree with him. It's a big age gap

------
Zoo
Swimming
Park
Beach
Hike
Museum
Picnic

Off the top of my head.

I'm sorry, but doing these activities with a 10 year old and 9 month old, aren't practical or something I'd want to do l.

Hiking with a baby! Madness... it's just pushing the pram and probably in awkward places.

A 9 month old going to a museum is pointless. Hassle with the pram for a baby who won't remember it...nonsense.

Picnic... so she just has a bottle of milk.

Beach .. In the UK? With this crappie weather. Even in good weather...keeling his eye on a baby and 10 year old us a nightmare. What week the baby do at the beach ? Try and eat sand. I couldn't think of anything worse...

One needs a bottle and nappy changes... the other requires a different kind of attention.

The hard truth, is that a job taking one parent away from Monday to Friday EVERY week, just isn't condusive to family life and leaves one holding most of the parenting responsibility.

It's no surprise you feel like a single parent...because you pretty much are.

SandyY2K · 06/02/2023 00:27

He keeps saying that DD gets him for more time than SD but that's not DD fault!

It's not SDs fault either...he's trying to spend more time with the child who can remember and understand.

Why shouldn't she have her dad all full time when that's the life I brought her into and the life I wanted for my child!

This would be the case if he didn't have a child from another relationship. As he does, your daughter isn't always going to get him full-time, because he's not just her dad. Just as SD gets him 4 days a month... which is pretty low, your daughter will also feel the impact.

The advantage with your daughter, is that there is time for her... she's just a baby. If he's not doing enough with SD . She may soon lose interest and that relationship deteriorates. Seeing your dad just 4 days a month is crap... do it's the least he can do when he's got the extra time off.

On the weekends SD isn't there.. he can take the baby out on his own. A soft play area perhaps.