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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Struggling to do this anymore...

76 replies

pippanda · 05/02/2023 19:32

This is coming in hot after an argument with my OH so might be a little dramatic but I don't know if I can do this anymore.

I've been with my OH for 6years now. We have a 9month old baby girl and he has a 10yrs old daughter from a previous relationship. Myself and SD aren't particularly close, we get on fine but that's about as far as it goes. She loves her little sister and loves to help with her which is great. The problem me an OH are having is we keep butting heads around SD. He is militarily and is away Mon-Friday so I'm single parenting in the week which can feel like a lot sometimes. I moved to where I am to be with my OH and have no family here meaning I'm completely on my own and him and my daughter are my only family. However we get in our own little routine in the week and he comes home at the weekend. On the weekends we have SD I can't help but feeling overwhelmed. It goes from just being me and DD to OH and SD and I can't help but feel like everything just gets taken over! I'm constantly anxious and on edge and I can't seem to help feeling this way! Anyway the argument... OH is finishing up early one week and his first thought is he wants to have SD for more time, which is fine but he hasn't even considered just having some time with me and DD. He says he wants to take the opportunity to have 1:1 time with SD but once again hasn't even considered having any 1:1 time with DD so will happily stick her in nursery all day and not think about utilising some of the time with her?! He keeps saying that DD gets him for more time than SD but that's not DD fault! Why shouldn't she have her dad all full time when that's the life I brought her into and the life I wanted for my child! I didn't have a baby with him so he could be a part time father to her to compensate for his situation with his other daughter. I just never feel that we are his priority, we are always an afterthought. DD literally only has me and her dad nearby and right now I feel all she has full time is me. It's actually starting to break my heart and worry if I'm enough for her. My parents absolutely adore her and Im breaking their heart being so far away - the mum guilt is seriously starting to get to me keeping her away from family that love and miss her so much for a dad that never puts her first. I just don't know what to do anymore? I love my OH with all my heart but don't know if this will ever get better or if I'll ever feel differently towards SD. He had now left for another week with this unresolved argument and I'm definitely spiralling right now! Is there a way past this or will this forever be our argument? I don't want to feel like this all the time and right now with all my emotions right now I want to pack up our stuff and travel 500miles back home and see how he feels if we aren't here anymore! (I'm not going to do this but it's how I feel right now). I'm sure I'm going to get some hate for the post but would be nice to hear if anyone has had a similar situation and felt similar? And what did you do to make it better?... feeling very alone, trapped and helpless right now 😔

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 06/02/2023 01:29

I'm sorry, but doing these activities with a 10 year old and 9 month old, aren't practical or something I'd want to do l.

Course it's practical. He's in the military FFS. Straps the baby on, gets out the door. No pram needed. There are about 1000 baby hiking backpacks so someone is doing it.

I was on the beach every day rain or shine with DD when she was just a little older than this. One of those rain suits and off we'd go.

Basically you do whatever the older one wants, taking the younger one with you. Unless you're a shit parent that is, and leave all the actual work to your wife.

Willyoujustbequiet · 06/02/2023 01:36

Cuppasoupmonster · 05/02/2023 19:53

Ah, I thought he had her every weekend. Sorry but if she only sees her dad every other weekend I think it would be really unreasonable of you to cut this down. Look at it like this, your daughter sees him every weekend, half of those just her. His other daughter only sees him every other weekend and that’s always with her sister and you there. So your child will always have the better end of the deal. You’re just going to have to tolerate it really.

This

You are being unreasonable. Its 2 weekends a month. He is barely a parent. He should be spending more time with her not less.

SD1978 · 06/02/2023 02:55

Every other weekend she gets her dad and you 100%. Sorry, but you're being unreasonable. He gets half the time with his other daughter he does with your joint child. And never without your joint child involved. I think you're being a bit selfish.

Lmgify · 06/02/2023 04:13

I’m a bit baffled why you moved to be with him and he’s still away Monday to Friday. We’re a military family as well and usually people choose to be away M-F so that their spouse could stay put and be close to their family/ work. Can you not move into quarters closer to his work so he can be with you during the week and spend more time with your DD? Or rent out your property and then rent somewhere closer to base if you don’t want to be in MQ?

toomuchlaundry · 06/02/2023 04:34

I assume he is based near his ex wife to facilitate seeing his oldest daughter

Yousee · 06/02/2023 04:37

he's trying to spend more time with the child who can remember and understand

As long as I live I will never understand the utter nonsense of this argument. If creating a memory that lasts a lifetime is the main reason to spend any time with your child then nobody would bother with them at all before the age of about 5 years. If that's when this guy is planning to start making an effort with his youngest then he's a bit of a shit really, isn't he?

hryllilegur · 06/02/2023 08:03

Willyoujustbequiet · 06/02/2023 01:36

This

You are being unreasonable. Its 2 weekends a month. He is barely a parent. He should be spending more time with her not less.

Show quote history

This is a man who only sees his wife a kids at the weekend. Then on half of those weekends basically ignores them because he’s seeing his older child.

It’s half of all the time he actually spends with any family.

This is a man who is letting everyone down badly.

hryllilegur · 06/02/2023 08:16

Let’s stop pretending that he’s not letting everyone down because he’s choosing to continue a career that is always working away.

The OP is working FT and his youngest is in nursery. It’s not even a case that he’s supporting everyone.

We all make choices and sacrifices when we choose to have children. The OP has moved a very long way from her family so she can be conveniently located for his contact schedule. He’s got two women shouldering all the parenting responsibility for him.

And on MN apparently it’s unfair to expect anything better than a bit of attention 26 weekends a year, and that it’s totally reasonable that he choose to prioritise one of his children for the rest of his leave.

The OP isn’t even suggesting he approaches the 26 weekends he devotes to his older child differently here. She would just like him to act like a married father of two rather than a single divorced dad of one when deciding how to use the additional days he chooses to spend at home.

Cuppasoupmonster · 06/02/2023 08:30

hryllilegur · 06/02/2023 08:03

This is a man who only sees his wife a kids at the weekend. Then on half of those weekends basically ignores them because he’s seeing his older child.

It’s half of all the time he actually spends with any family.

This is a man who is letting everyone down badly.

Show quote history

He’s working Confused

JanusTheFirst · 06/02/2023 08:32

If you can get work then go home, OP.

He won't change and this is no life for you and DD.

gogohmm · 06/02/2023 08:36

Unfortunately a lot of the feelings are common in military families without the sd even, have you talked to military support organisations, other military partners? It's a lifestyle/pattern that you can either cope with or not. My dd will be working away non-fri from next year and they have already discussed how to make it work, deployments are then 4-6 months every 2-3 years. You have to be really committed to make it work both ways

watsthecraic · 06/02/2023 08:46

Why did you move 500 miles when he's working away in the week anyway?

hryllilegur · 06/02/2023 10:01

Cuppasoupmonster · 06/02/2023 08:30

He’s working Confused

Show quote history

That is not an excuse for a father of two to basically opt out of family life almost all the time.

You don’t see the OP fucking off Monday to Friday to further her career while someone else sorts out her child.

hryllilegur · 06/02/2023 10:03

Most people make career choices - often making big career sacrifices - because they have a family.

He chose to have children with two different women and chooses to not be there to actually bring the children up.

SandyY2K · 06/02/2023 10:04

This is a man who only sees his wife a kids at the weekend. Then on half of those weekends basically ignores them because he’s seeing his older child.

He has a weekend when his older child isn't there...so he should be more involved then and that's time to dedicate to the baby/OP.

hryllilegur · 06/02/2023 10:14

SandyY2K · 06/02/2023 10:04

This is a man who only sees his wife a kids at the weekend. Then on half of those weekends basically ignores them because he’s seeing his older child.

He has a weekend when his older child isn't there...so he should be more involved then and that's time to dedicate to the baby/OP.

He’s a father of two on all 52 weekends though. Deciding to only spend weekends with your family and then splitting that between two children is unbelievably shit parenting.

SandyY2K · 06/02/2023 10:14

Straps the baby on, gets out the door. No pram needed. There are about 1000 baby hiking backpacks so someone is doing it.

I was on the beach every day rain or shine with DD when she was just a little older than this. One of those rain suits and off we'd go.

This isn't everyone's idea of fun. It may not be his thing... to be hiking with a strap on just because he's a military man.

I imagine he'd want to something different.

He can do stuff that the baby would like.. and he should make the effort to do so.

Some of the activities cab be done with must him and the baby... but it sounds like he doesn't do anything with the baby at all.

Taking baby with big sis on a lot of these activities is nothing more than a headache and I don't see that any of them would enjoy it tbh. Baby starts fussing and ask his attention bag to be in her.

A little trip to the park is fine... but I certainly wouldn't take a baby and a 10 year old swimming as the only adult. OP could join in on the activity.

Unfortunately a lot of the feelings are common in military families without the sd even

This is one reason I never would have married a military man. You basically become a single parent most of the time.

MeridianB · 06/02/2023 10:18

Basically you do whatever the older one wants, taking the younger one with you.

This, with bells on. Totally support 1:1 time but he doesn't get to opt out of additional time with them both.

Cheesetoastiewithsauce · 06/02/2023 10:45

Yousee · 06/02/2023 04:37

he's trying to spend more time with the child who can remember and understand

As long as I live I will never understand the utter nonsense of this argument. If creating a memory that lasts a lifetime is the main reason to spend any time with your child then nobody would bother with them at all before the age of about 5 years. If that's when this guy is planning to start making an effort with his youngest then he's a bit of a shit really, isn't he?

So do you not think that he should see his eldest Dd every week then? If her mum agrees too obviously.
Or do you think that it’s ok for him to continue to see her every two weeks ? but should be with his baby Dd every week?

And the youngest will not be disadvantaged by not having her dad every week at this point in time, as she’s nine months old and so won’t remember anything!

His eldest Dd will, in around 5 or 6 years will likely be wanting to do her own thing with her friends, and contact with her dad might become less frequent. His youngest will be having all of his attention herself then.

Cheesetoastiewithsauce · 06/02/2023 10:48

SandyY2K · 06/02/2023 10:14

Straps the baby on, gets out the door. No pram needed. There are about 1000 baby hiking backpacks so someone is doing it.

I was on the beach every day rain or shine with DD when she was just a little older than this. One of those rain suits and off we'd go.

This isn't everyone's idea of fun. It may not be his thing... to be hiking with a strap on just because he's a military man.

I imagine he'd want to something different.

He can do stuff that the baby would like.. and he should make the effort to do so.

Some of the activities cab be done with must him and the baby... but it sounds like he doesn't do anything with the baby at all.

Taking baby with big sis on a lot of these activities is nothing more than a headache and I don't see that any of them would enjoy it tbh. Baby starts fussing and ask his attention bag to be in her.

A little trip to the park is fine... but I certainly wouldn't take a baby and a 10 year old swimming as the only adult. OP could join in on the activity.

Unfortunately a lot of the feelings are common in military families without the sd even

This is one reason I never would have married a military man. You basically become a single parent most of the time.

Sorry but military wives do not become single parents when their partners are away. They still have, at the very least, financial support and someone to talk to about child care issues or worries.
Actual single parents are doing EVERYTHING alone, and don’t have that support. It’s not right to compare the two.

aSofaNearYou · 06/02/2023 11:56

hryllilegur · 05/02/2023 19:55

The problem is that he is utterly failing to support you.

You’re working FT and looking after your baby all week around that. Yes he’s working. But he works away. He’s no help at all - you’re struggling along with no support a long way from your friends and family. To make his life easier.

When he comes back, he’s not acting like a real parent because he is a very PT parent. He’s also driven by NR father guilt that means he actually can’t see how much he’s neglecting you and your DD.

You should not feel guilty about feeling anything you do. Or about wanting to reorganise your life so that you and your DD have practical, day to day support.

At the moment, it’s all revolving around what works best for him. And your needs are not being met.

All of this. And the idea that he can't take the baby when he's out with SD is pathetic, totally unfair to you and her. You've made so many sacrifices to facilitate his life and he's not willing to do anything for you, even consider you.

I would move back to where your support network is.

nc1013 · 06/02/2023 14:13

Why shouldn't she have her dad all full time when that's the life I brought her into and the life I wanted for my child!

I'm sure nobody planned this for his first DC either. I'm sure when she was conceived or wasn't with the intention of the parents getting divorced.

Even then it's irrelevant. Why should his first Dd miss out because it's not what you had planned? Children are the innocent parties so even if she was brought into the world in an unloving/unstable relationship. That's down to her parents, nothing she has personally caused and not something she should suffer the impact of.

Your Dd gets every 2nd weekend with her dad to herself with the alternate weekends with her dad and stepsister. Surely that's a better deal than your dsd gets - she only sees her dad every 2nd weekend along with his new Dd and new partner.

Cuppasoupmonster · 06/02/2023 14:23

hryllilegur · 06/02/2023 08:03

This is a man who only sees his wife a kids at the weekend. Then on half of those weekends basically ignores them because he’s seeing his older child.

It’s half of all the time he actually spends with any family.

This is a man who is letting everyone down badly.

Show quote history

So what should he be doing? What is the solution here?

Bosabosa · 06/02/2023 14:41

Hi OP, I am also a step mum and mum and from a different angle I would say do not underestimate the importance of fostering a sibling bond between the 2 girls, it will pay massive dividends in the future. There are clearly some issues here to work out with your DH and your mum guilt about working but if the 2 girls grow close and love each other you are laying great foundations for the future.

funinthesun19 · 06/02/2023 15:09

Your Dd gets every 2nd weekend with her dad to herself

Nah I bet she doesn’t. Just a wild guess, but I bet he uses those weekends to catch up with “stuff” and life gets in the way of him allocating special time with his youngest DD.

Bet she gets him every once in a blue moon.