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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Things that us step mums have to "suck up."

121 replies

malificent7 · 04/02/2023 17:32

Sorry bout the turn of phrase " suck up" but i think it sums up what we have to put up with as step mothers. Fwiw, dp is a wonderful man in many ways and is an excellent df to ddsd who I do love but i need to get this off my chest. So here follows a bit of a rant.
We have been together 7 years and due to be married.

When I 1st got with dp his ex wife ( who had cheated on him and set up home with her lover pushing dp out) got jealous and started reminiscing with dp about the good times...trying to reel him in.

Every other weekend I can't spend with dp due to daddy dd time. In some ways it's good but it also means I get less time with dp.

I've met with their mutual friends and most are great but some are off with me.

His dm ( late mil) found me and my dd hard to accept me at 1st and even after e years , showed me his wedding cake from ex wife that was kept frozen and pointedly placed a wedding photo of them when i came to visit.

Once , starting a new job in healthcare, the only annual leave i could get was in the middle of the holidays. Dp relayed a message from ex wife " in the future could i please take AL either at the beginning or end of the summer hols.

I had to really fight for his ex not to come to our wedding ceremony as for once I wanted something just for us. She threw a massive strop and ignored me for a few months as apparently she was " confused as she thought we were all one happy family."

Dsdd is lovely. I genuinely love her but sometimes i feel like I am not cut out to be a step mum.

OP posts:
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ThirtyThreeTrees · 04/02/2023 21:21

hourbyhour101 · 04/02/2023 21:11

@ThirtyThreeTrees thank you for the information. Just for reference I'm Irish. So thank you for correcting me, I really appreciate you explaining this to me.

@hourbyhour101 Unbelievable...you are Irish and use that expression. Wow..just wow.

BubziOwl · 04/02/2023 21:27

@Luredbyapomegranate I'm still not really understanding. Surely the childcare is up to the husband and ex wife to organise between themselves, why is it relevant if OP is at work or not? Why specifically must OP only take AL at start and end of holidays?

I'm very tired and probably just being dim. OP, the ex-wife sounds annoying. I'll leave you all in peace now as don't want to disrupt the thread with my stupidity lol

Justalittlebitduckling · 04/02/2023 21:28

I’ve always known I don’t have it in me to date a man with kids. I’m not nice enough. I wouldn’t love kids that weren’t my own and they would know it. Sounds like you’re doing your best and making a decent job of a difficult situation.

plumduck · 04/02/2023 21:55

Luredbyapomegranate · 04/02/2023 21:17

Because the daughter will split her holiday time between both parents, and her father’s holiday time is being dictated by the OP’s in this example. When you are a step family you have to organise your shit so the kids can go on holiday with both parents / be with the other parent when one parent is on a long weekend with mates / be looked after by one parent when the other is working and there is no childcare. It’s a lot of admin.

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No it isn't. Her father can take his annual leave whenever the heck he wants/needs too!

Just because OP took leave then doesn't mean Dad does too, he should take his to fit in around his kids. If he won't do that that's on him.

jimmyjammy001 · 04/02/2023 23:19

I'm not really sure what the problem is? Everything you have described in your post is quite normal for a step parent and the stuff they have to put up with, which is why most avoid a blended family situation for all the points you have noted. To put it bluntly you aren't cut out for step parenting, but you have chosen that lifestyle so in your own words you just need to suck it up because it will never change unfortunately.

Runnerduck34 · 04/02/2023 23:49

BubziOwl · 04/02/2023 21:05

I'm not a stepmother but I was kind of a step child (long story lol), so just reading this thread out of interest. I'm curious about this bit so just wanted to ask - what has your holiday got to do with your stepdaughter and husband's ex wife? I'm genuinely confused - what am I missing? I'm gathering she's being unreasonable, it certainly sounds unreasonable lol, but I don't understand why she'd even ask this specifically?

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Assuming your partner takes leave at the same time as you , if both parents wanted 2 weeks holiday with their DC when one parent takes the middle weeks then it makes it very awkward.

Original poster
malificent7 · 05/02/2023 00:58

I had to take the middle week as it was all that was left to cover shifts when i joined.
I do get it was a pain and will try to take the 2 weeks at the beginning and end in the future.

OP posts:
4thonthe4th · 05/02/2023 01:04

HashBrownandBeans · 04/02/2023 17:41

Being a stepparent is pretty thankless, I’ve been doing it for a looong time(23 yrs) and I’m well practised at the keeping quiet yet doing all the work.
I particularly enjoyed being screamed at this morning that nobody likes me and I’m horrible because I want to go somewhere alone tomorrow on my day off by 16 yr old SD. I just laughed 🤣

Ok, this timeline confuses me? 23rs step parenting a 16yo?

HashBrownandBeans · 05/02/2023 01:47

4thonthe4th · 05/02/2023 01:04

Ok, this timeline confuses me? 23rs step parenting a 16yo?

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She’s just the youngest of my stepchildren. We have many, many children. The eldest, from my previous marriage, is almost 30 now

DeeCeeCherry · 05/02/2023 02:09

It's usually the man not setting boundaries and not prioritising his relationship. Then 2nd wife/stepmum complaining about everybody except him. His ex wife is able to throw her weight around as he's not set boundaries with her. What does that tell you?

Eyerollcentral · 05/02/2023 02:47

None of your problems relate to being a step mother though. Also they all seem very petty. If you cannot cope with your partner having a past and a mother who valued the marriage of her son to the mother of her grand child, don’t marry him 🤷‍♀️ Are you unsure about the relationship and looking for a way out?

Eyerollcentral · 05/02/2023 03:00

hourbyhour101 · 04/02/2023 21:11

@ThirtyThreeTrees thank you for the information. Just for reference I'm Irish. So thank you for correcting me, I really appreciate you explaining this to me.

Are you Irish born in Ireland? As an Irish woman born and brought up in Ireland I have never heard another Irish person use that phrase. I have never heard an Irish person use it in Ireland, certainly I have heard it said in England and NZ by non Irish people. And yes @ThirtyThreeTrees is right, it is a racial slur, even if you are an actual Irish person

Quitelikeacatslife · 05/02/2023 03:14

One thing I do find odd with so many separated parents is the intensity of the time when they are with one parent in "their time" I had friends who would never do domestic tasks or even shopping if they had their child, just focus on them and what they wanted. I mean every child likes a bit of 1:1 but it's all a bit unreal and gives the child a bit too much power in the family dynamic. Most families that are not split actually learn more give and take . So if SDD is with you all for the weekend I don't understand why you can't just behave normally

roseheartfly · 05/02/2023 05:50

@ThirtyThreeTrees @Eyerollcentral

Got anything to say about the original post or are you just here to attempt to bully/humiliate @hourbyhour101?

@hourbyhour101 I can only assume they have some hatred towards step mothers and are part of that lovely MN community who aren't constructive, just mean.

OP I couldn't agree with you more. My stepchildren and partner make life wonderful. It's the other adults who make things SO tricky. Which is why when MNetters say 'it was your choice' .. really annoys me. Yes I chose a man and his children, I didn't chose the wild behaviour and unstable ex wives.

Eyerollcentral · 05/02/2023 05:54

roseheartfly · 05/02/2023 05:50

@ThirtyThreeTrees @Eyerollcentral

Got anything to say about the original post or are you just here to attempt to bully/humiliate @hourbyhour101?

@hourbyhour101 I can only assume they have some hatred towards step mothers and are part of that lovely MN community who aren't constructive, just mean.

OP I couldn't agree with you more. My stepchildren and partner make life wonderful. It's the other adults who make things SO tricky. Which is why when MNetters say 'it was your choice' .. really annoys me. Yes I chose a man and his children, I didn't chose the wild behaviour and unstable ex wives.

I’ve already posted on the topic? You are completely projecting with your comments. The phrase used is a racial slur. That needs to be called out.

Blagdoon · 05/02/2023 06:09

The ex is a nutter. Expecting to be invited to your wedding. Thinking she can dictate when you take your holidays. You need to nip that in the bud. That’s not something you have to suck up, nor is it a normal part of being a step parent. That’s her being a psycho!

plumduck · 05/02/2023 07:04

The wedding thing is not normal.

4thonthe4th · 05/02/2023 08:10

HashBrownandBeans · 05/02/2023 01:47

She’s just the youngest of my stepchildren. We have many, many children. The eldest, from my previous marriage, is almost 30 now

Show quote history

So did he have a child with someone else after you’d got together ? He had a child with someone else 7 years after you got with him?
You got with him in 2000 and the 16 year old was born in 2007?

watchingpullimgepisode6 · 05/02/2023 08:47

malificent7 · 05/02/2023 00:58

I had to take the middle week as it was all that was left to cover shifts when i joined.
I do get it was a pain and will try to take the 2 weeks at the beginning and end in the future.

Why does it make a difference to her when you take your AL?

aSofaNearYou · 05/02/2023 08:54

I’ve already posted on the topic? You are completely projecting with your comments. The phrase used is a racial slur. That needs to be called out.

I've never heard a single person call it a racial slur before. That's not to say it isn't and we shouldn't stop using it but let's not pretend it's common knowledge that it shouldn't be used and vilify one person for doing it.

Laurdo · 05/02/2023 09:13

VladmirsPoutine · 04/02/2023 19:28

I'm wondering if step-parents really have to 'suck up' anything, this is the choice they made.

No one ever says this to parents if they complain about parenting struggles do they? Parents are offered advice and support but step-parents get "well you knew what you were getting into".

When I got with my DH, yes I knew he had kids but like a parent you cannot know exactly what that's going to bring.

Laurdo · 05/02/2023 09:19

FenghuangHoyan · 04/02/2023 20:17

Yup. I've been ostracized to the bedroom as the kids felt like the living room wasn't "theirs". Apparently they're having a great time while I'm on the verge of tears. I know from the past that trying to get in between my partner and their kids is pointless as they can do no wrong and I'm the problem when I do.

Show quote history

You have a terrible DP then. That's his fault for allowing that. How awful.

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 05/02/2023 09:32

You can have chosen this and still moan it's hard work. Blimey you see enough threads of mums who give birth and then say how it's so much more hard work than they expected so I'm never sure why stepmums get such crap for saying it too.

hourbyhour101 · 05/02/2023 09:34

@roseheartfly @aSofaNearYou

Thank you both. If people want to be pendant it's a ethic slur as i personally don't consider being Irish a race. That's only imo of course.

Perhaps being Irish and having grown up with people using it in the exact same terms where i used it (and not meant as a racial/ethic slur) has normalised it. That may not be right in its self but here we are.

Some people may also consider the term nutter offensive. However I did thank the poster who mentioned it and was happily corrected if it offended anyone (especially any home grown from my neck of the woods). I thought that would be the matter done...

That's peoples right of course to be offended. And I always found people who get particular over word choice are picking holes because they can't pick at anything else that's stated and want to derail any type of debate. Which is was happens in iMO on nearly every thread by a series of the same names.

Maybe that's why those posters do it to make it as unpleasant as possible so that people stop commenting? Unfortunately it's had quite the reverse effect on me because I now tend to lurk around here because I find the fo concern over words often come by certain posters who have some horrific and down right nasty things.

It's also hard to vilify someone who genuinely doesn't not care about what certain posters say. I know what my intent was you and would think being part of the ethicality that's supposed to be offended would count for something, alas it's not. So I stand corrected.

People can read what I put and make up their own mind as to which way I was using it. Those same posters can also read what others have put and draw their own conclusions about those posters motives.

So much about being a step parent isn't so much leaning into the "wicked sm role" so much as knowing yourself, your intentions and ignoring the people who suggest theirs a set rule book of being a step parent (without there actually being a rule book). Being a sm has made me skin as thick as a rhino so I'm always happy for some introspection. I would just kindly advise those posters that point this out to do the same.

But I'm bored of the derailment that happens on here. Can we all get back to the topic ?

Laurdo · 05/02/2023 09:39

malificent7 · 05/02/2023 00:58

I had to take the middle week as it was all that was left to cover shifts when i joined.
I do get it was a pain and will try to take the 2 weeks at the beginning and end in the future.

Don't try to do anything, it's not your responsibility to babysit your DSCs. And it's certainly not for the ex to dictate to you when you take your annual leave.

I think you have a major DP problem here. He needs to be better at laying down boundaries and not allowing his ex to have such an influence on your lives. He should never have allowed his DM to treat you the way she did.

The fact that his ex thinks she has the right to attend your wedding shows the absolute lack of boundaries DP has. Until that changes you're always going to have these issues.

I have 3 DSC and actually love being a SM. DH ex is extremely difficult and has caused countless issues. The difference is, my DH always has my back and will stand up to his ex. There are boundaries in place which mean the ex impacts our lives as little as possible including her not being able to directly contact me, her being blocked on certain platforms, restrictions on what the ex can contact DH for and an understanding that what happens at each house is not the others business unless the kids health is at risk.

Step parenting has it's challenges but these can be made easier by having a supportive DP.